Bingo. It was on page 4 when I posted.

The setup in my office building has a door from the hallway going into a room with 2 sinks. Past that through another door is the 3 stall and 2 urinal setup. So why the eff do I walk into the first room and see a guy standing there in front of the sink with his pants literally around his ankles like a 3 year old in all his tighty whitey glory? Cmon man, ain't no excuse for that. I call man foul.

Had to share my proud moment though.... Friday afternoon I was crowning my handicrapper throne in the back corner of the room and laying down a serious funk of man mess. Plus I had to get my A&M to the SEC updates on my phone. Anyway, one of my employees takes one step into the room and drops a "LAWD UUGGGHHH". I can tell he hesitates from the sound of his feet. After a few seconds he decides to come on in anyway and hits the correct stall per his man math. Kept his wits under fire. Meanwhile, I am doing all I can to keep from busting out laughing.

this is an oldie but a goodie...and so so so true...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try toConvince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may becomesuspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have juststunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment ifsomeone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretendthat the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can beavoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with anewspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
theoffice for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH!
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
SILENT SWIPER:
This is a common term used in bathroom etiquette. You must make sure not to make any noise with the toilet paper roll when taking a WORKPOOP. The more times you go back to get toilet paper, the messier your poop was....and this is not what you want your co-workers to know that you have- MESSY POOP. Try slowly turning the roll so that no noise is made so supposedly only one grab from the roll was done and you look as though you just went to the bathroom to pee. If you did not do a courtesy flush and you stunk up the bathroom, go ahead and roll loudly to your hearts content.....everyone knows you pooped! This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Cant remember if I posted this here or not

quote:

---

Oh Sprays oh sprays it seems it’s me that you have chosen,
I sit here in tears and my legs have long ago frozen
As I sit here and leak my day seams very bleak,
Estimating how long I’ll have to sit in my own stink
To ease the agony I bite down on my leather belt
And I can’t help but wonder if my intestines really did melt
Oh why oh why does this always happen to me,
Looks as if someone spilled and entire bucket of iced tea.
Oh sprays you are a prison with in ones self,
It’s even a gamble to get up to grab the Imodium off of my shelf.
You never know when you are ever really done,
You have to be on call 24 -7 with a toilet close enough to run.
Every time I fart it’s a dangerous game of sorts,
It’s like playing Russian Rullet with my poor under shorts.
I lay down, cross my legs and try and fall asleep,
Hoping that I can find some new bed sheets on the cheap
You never give me warning nor a second to prepare,
Basically you say lets go, but challenge me if you dare
Oh sprays we dare not fight you as it’s a losing war we know,
We can just pray your kind by having a news paper next to wear we go
That isn’t even the worst as there is another main issue,
It’s the beating and the abuse my @$$ takes from the dreadful toilet tissue
I’m soar and cranky and my co-workers are starting to wonder what is that scream?
And when cleaning myself the paper is looking like Neapolitan ice cream.
So sprays please be gentle now that you know my beef,
Be kind and considerate and please send me some relief
I am so so so sorry my breakfast was about 9 eggs,
But can you please send some blood flow back into my legs
I promise I’ll treat you better if this is my last batch of the day,
When I look in the toilet I am reminded of Galveston Bay
Finally it’s all over so I walk back to my desk in pain,
Right when I sit down I realize, aww ****, I have to go again

---

[This message has been edited by Ferris Wheel Allstar (edited 8/16/2011 3:11p).]

So sad that I had to actually do a search to find this, but ecstatic for the reason behind my pulling it back up. I am happy to announce that after upgrading to the iPhone 4s with iOS5, I now have a perfect signal in the shitter at work. Many times I've sat down to drop a deuce and pulled out my phone to see what my fellow TexAgers are doing, just to be disappointed with an error message that I have no service or can not connect to the server because I have no signal. So I end up wasting valuable pooping time trying to position myself and hold my phone in just the right spot and just the right angle to get enough bars to recognize the internet; usually to be let down by a half page load before it loses signal again. Now I can browse and poop simultaneously, in any posision with no fear of disconnect. It's nice to know that from here on out I never have to *****alone again!

huzzah for Catch shitter-signal and thread bump

Welcome to the 21st century! Where no man shall ever shat without the capabilities of looking at whatever website he may choose for as long as his legs will stay awake.

So I went and got a few slices of pizza and hot wings from the Flying J truck stop for lunch. That was probably a faster bowel movement than a JCI aftermath.

Went outside to the warehouse bathroom to spare the innocent noses of the women inside. It was one of those where you somehow know beforehand that it may defy gravity and end up on the bottom of the toilet seat.

I was in my office not 10 minutes after this epic shat and I hear a truckdriver yell "Holy s***!!! WTF????" I snickered in my enjoyment.

5 minutes later I hear the same guy say calmly(to another truck driver) "I wouldn't go in there if I was you." Same story "Good God!! WTF happened in there?" He responds " I don't know? Whoever did that is an ***hole"

quote:

---

Flying J truck stop for lunch

---

Do you work for Aries by any chance?

This whole thread is golden, people are staring at me

Catch derailed the entire "4s review" thread on The Nerdery by admitting to being a bathroom internetter.

Rod Ryan discussing bathroom phone use now. Evidently 1 in 6 phones has fecal contamination.

Phone user as well, but I mainly for angry birds.

Well I thought my office had only one, but while I'm mid-*****in a new bathroom, one of our IT guys walks in and starts brushing his teeth.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

Awesome bathroom related prank. This guys work performance has gone to the sh*tter.

Anyone ever bought a roll of TP from a gas station then taken said TP intp the shitter bc the supplied TP was too rough

never brought my own, but try my damndest to make it til i get home for the home roll advantage. The TP at work can wreak havoc on ones cinnamon ring.

[This message has been edited by jetch17 (edited 10/20/2011 2:07p).]

Baby wipes, FTW

It took me 3 days off and on, but I have read this entire thread.

I have no words outside of "kudos" for the entertainment.

"The Crapping Safety Meeting"

Back when I lived in AZ, my casa was way out on the northwest side of Phoenix. My jobsite was convenently located on the SE side of Phoenix, so I had a lovely 1-2 hour drive to and from every day.

Well, I had gotten in the habit of taking my morning coffee for the drive in. I also generally took my morning Copenhagen at a certain exit - this allowed me to get to the office, fire the computer up, take a gander around the jobsite and generally get everything loosened up so that my morning growler was roughly at the same time every morning.

This morning, for some reason, my internal clock was about a half hour early. I knew I was off about 1/4 of my way to the jobsite, and by halfway, I knew that the irresistable force was pressing hard against the immovable object that was the chocolate starfish. So I haul ass to the jobsite - mistake #1. Should have stopped on the way.

Our jobsite only had a porta-can, but we had a small crew and it was relatively little used for the most part. Except that week, we had some new additions to the crew. Upon opening the door to my outhouse of glory, I was greeted with what can only be described as semi-petrified refried beans all over the floor, walls, seat and even some in the urinal. FML, because it was groundhog day down below and we were checking for a winter shadow every few seconds. Few things in life are more demoralizing than getting to what should be the end of the trip, only to discover you made a wrong turn. So I had to haul ass to the convenience store up the road and obliterate the bathroom, and probably sinus cavity of anybody that walked in there for the next 6 or 7 hours.

The next day I had a jobsite safety meeting on the proper way to crap. I even found some instructional signs and printed them out for handouts, and had the instructions (english and spanish) hung on the shitter walls.

That was my safety meeting. Actual safety didn't even enter the conversation - just the fact that if anybody were to destroy my crapper again in such a manner, it will get a lock and you will be on your own when the bean burrito comes a calling.

Many years ago, back when I was a junior in HS, we were enjoying lunch one lovely summer afternoon, when all of a sudden a buddy and me were grabbed by a couple of the seniors in the group (both who were near certifiably insane), and with a crazy look in their eyes said "you need to come see this, trust me".

What the hell, we were on our way into parts unknown. When they led us into the boy's locker room of the regular (non sports) gym, I started getting worried, because again, these dudes were freaking crazy. I got even more nervous as we made a beeline towards the communal head.

About 10 feet outside the entrance, the smell of death hit me. It was all I could do to satiate my curiousity, because if something smelled that bad from that far away, you just have to see it. And see it we did. In the far stall semi-submerged was the single largest turd I have ever seen. This thing was about a foot long and a good 4" in diameter. It had a ring of grease surrounding it, and I swear it created its own weather. All I could think of is how horrifying and impressive that was all in one, and how much pain and relief passing a turd the size of the Century Oak trunk base must have presented for the former owner.

We also had a guy leave a black mamba in the football locker once - Royce McDougal was the hero of the day. He never pinched it off, so it was one continuous turd coiled up in the toilet with the tail running up the center and ending just below the rim. Nobody flushed it for a week out of respect for such a feat of human engineering.

My family owns a beach house on Galveston. The house was a couple rows back, but Ike moves us up to front fow. A couple months ago, I was down there for the weekend. It was a Sunday and I was headed back home. It was one of those early summer days when it isn't too hot and the breeze is blowing nicely upon tanned bikini girls. I had a few things to do before I left, but they were all under the house, so I closed it all up. I finished my tasks and there in the shadows were two early twenties girls in bikini's. They were the kind of small town looking girls that were kind of pretty, but as you looked closer, could tell they hadn't enjoyed the niceties of modern society. Both of them had the look of girls who were popular in high school because they were the first ones to sprout breasts, but now the rest of them was starting to catch up to them and they were too proud to admit they didn't have the bodies for their bikini's anymore.

As I'm wondering what they were doing there, one of them asks, "Can my friend use your bathroom? She has to go.............Number 2!"

Being a gentleman, I say sure. I unlock the house and let them in. As the pooper was heading her way into the bathroom, I told her that the toilet runs, so I shut the water off at the silver knob behind the tank near the floor. So, now I'm left with a muffin top country girl making small talk in the kitchen of the house while her friend demolishes my crapper. Not the easiest converation I've made, but we passed the 5 minutes or so.

Now I hear pooper start trying to flush the toilet and not having any luck. I guess she didn't hear me when she was rushing to the throne. She comes out, obviously embarassed, and tells us that it won't flush. Her friend understood what I said and told her to turn the valve below the tank. Well, pooper still doesn't understand and non-pooper decides she will go in to show her. I guess the smell in there was too much for non-pooper and I hear "Oh my god, what the f>>>! I think I'm gonna puke." Then sure enough, I hear her puking and coughing. I guess that was too much for pooper, cause then I hear "Oh ****, me too!" And now, I have two girls puking into my toilet.

Thankfully, they both had good aim. I heard the water turn on, then eventually I hear the toilet flush and they both came out. I had to send one back in to turn the water off again, but thankfully, no puking this time. They thanked me for my kindness and I thanked them for a wonderful story to tell!

Rule #1!

2 Girls 1 Toilet!! Awesome.

quote:

---

because it was groundhog day down below and we were checking for a winter shadow every few seconds.

---

Nice page 54 stories gents.

Think I got bit on my ass by a mosquito that was hiding out there during this plague. I didn't have time to do a precheck

You haven't had fun until you've gone camping up in a primitive national forest campground in the mountains, and tried to use one of their 2 room pit toilet cappers that share a common tank. You'll be sitting there taking a semi pleasant dump in the lingering stink of 1000 turds drowning in blue stuff and piss, and then someone will open the door to the crapper on the other side. Well, they share one cesspit, so when the door opens on the opposite side, if there is any kind of breeze outside, the air pressure in the crapper changes and suddenly a cool, stanknasty breese starts coming up OUT of the crapper on your side! Try dropping a deuce, then wiping, only to have a gust of breeze outside blow the used TP back up toward your bare ass from below.

It is also an interesting experience in the early morning, when it is cold as hell. You want some other person that had too many beans and beer last night to get up and hit the stall first...to warm up the seat for whoever is next. The drawback is that the morning poop gets an extra dose of stink, because the latent heat from the cesspit rises into that cool early morning mountain air. The flies are less active in the early morning, though, and you're much less likely to be hurried in your dump by someone knocking on the door.

If you haven't had the campground pit toilet experience, you're really missing out on one of the classic dumps.