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Riddle me this:

I went down to take a leak here at work yesterday. Here at my place of business we have one residential sit down toilet in the men's room. This toilet serves about 25 people who are employeed plus any and all visitors that come through the facility. As you could imagine, this makes for a very FUNKY(not Funky good, but Funky bad), Texaco, nasty convenience store style restroom atmosphere. AS I entered this vestibule of horror, I noticed a common bad sign, the toilet seat was down. As I turned the light on and approached the toilet I noticed the previous occupant had left a gift for the next person. Unfortunately, this too, is an all to common occurance here and was not cause for suprise or shock just an instinctive lock down of any and all breathing, it usually also includes pulling one's shirt up to cover the mouth so that at least there is some psycological filtration of the putrid air. Usually when these gifts are left they fall into a couple of catergories: 1) the odd rabbit turd floater, that due to its incredible turd bouyancy refuses to "Go Down" on the intial flush and 2) The hard core Budweiser drinker who basically sprays the toilet with so much butt Mud that their initial flush does not remove it and you are left with a residual muddy water/ lettuce flake salad within the bowl after they make their first and only flush.

This however was a different gift all together. This was a fully formed solid turd approximately 6-8 inches in length and maybe 2-3 inches in diameter, give or take a little as I am sure it's true size is distorted by the water. But here is the kicker, it was not a floater it was resting comfortably in the bottom of the bowl and THERE WAS NO TOILET PAPER in the bowl. My mine raced as I used my shoe to first lift the toilet seat and then to deftly flush the toilet all without touching anything. I played this scenario over and over in my head, how could this happen, this was far too large a turd to be a residual floater, was far to solid to be from a Bud Man, and that would mean it would have to have been from a truly brazen gift giver that just completely refused to flush at all, which is quite possible around here. However, even the most brazen of these type gift givers always complete the gift with the "Wrapping Paper". How was this possible did the gift giver NOT WIPE? Had he achieved the penultimate cable cutting approach whereby he could deliver his log without soiling his cheeks? Or did the perpetrator pinch this loaf and did soil himself but did not care to wipe(a truly scary thought for his wife or whomever does his laundry) Or did this Turd just appear in the toilet as some cosmic sign or omen and was not delivered from Man nor Beast, and if it was a sign what was the meaning?

Please if anyone can solve this riddle I would appreciate any and all input.

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For the few days prior to the incident, some guys from the dorm had being taking toilet paper from the bathrooms and unraveling it all the way up and down the halls. It was funny as hell, but someone had to clean it up. Our janitor, who looked like someone straight off the show Cops, finally decided she had had enough and talked to her manager about cutting off our supply of toilet paper. I don't know what her manager's words were, but somehow she must have misconstrued them to mean "not to give [our] a$$es jack." No pun intended I'm sure.

One of the guys went to her and asked for toilet paper and she *****ed him out. Another student, known then as "Squeak", found out about this and decided to take his microcassette recorder and confront her. The priceless clip is what got recorded in the process.

The University was not happy at all that this clip got out. They desperately wanted to destroy the tape, but by the time they found out about it, it had been turned into mp3 format and sent to everyone in Hotard, and subsequently 90% of the University's students.

It truly is a thing of beauty. I realy hope you enjoy and appreciate it. Hollywood's best couldn't even come close to creating this. Honestly I was 20 feet down the hall listening to the incident as it unfolded and stood waiting to jump in if necessary, because frankly, I thought Squeak was about to get his a$$ kicked.

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Because waffles are awesome...that's why

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3. when you need a massage from your spouse because your legs went numb.

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