That's what Patch does these days

it's the thread that keeps on giving

I seriously doubt that Patch has the time or energy for that in between bacha bazi parties.

Wow I was catching up on this thread while dropping the afternoon shjt, and went to page 20 to see what all the buzz is about.

I was just happy I could contain the laughter before someone else came in the bathroom. Can't be good for someone to walk in and hear me giggling to myself in the stall.

So I just moved to a new floor at my office. I was previously on the 16th floor and the women's restroom had a key, which was understandably annoying as you couldn't just swing in, you had to somewhat plan ahead.

So I move down to the 6th floor and ask about a restroom key. There isn't one - hallelujah!! But then I hear that there is a key for the men's restroom, which was weird to me. I asked someone about it, and she told me it was because the men's room on the 6th floor had been defaced by poop 3 times in 2 weeks. They believed it was someone from another floor that was coming to the 6th floor to do it, so they had to restrict access.

What did I think of? This thread.

First time to see this thread....man have I been missing out. Classic!

Here's my story. I shared this years ago on the GB, but its been a while since I told it, so I doubt many remember.

When I was 21, I went to Thailand. While there, I went on the most effective crash diet plan, called DYSENTERY.

I went from 185 to 135 lbs in about 3 weeks in the most explosive and disgusting ways possible.

I pretty much had explosive diarrhea with little to no warning all the time. This is what happened as one of my first indications that I was sick.

We had piled into a taxicab and headed to a mall across Bangkok. It was about an hour drive from where we were and would be about a 2 hour drive back home. It was closing in about 2 hours, so we took some Thai friends that were with us to one of our favorite places - Pizza Hut. I had the medium meat lovers (about the same size as a DiGiorno frozen pizza) piled high with versions of 'meat' and 'cheese.' Shortly after finishing it (I was really sick of Thai food after about a month and a half there) I felt a rumble in my stomach. I knew I had to take a dump, and I knew it would be soon. That's about all I knew.

I get directions to the restroom from my Thai friends and start doing the turtle head squeeze shuffle.

This mall wasn't in a very touristy area, so all the signs were only in Thai. This included the restroom signs that didn't have the little figures of male and female. It was just written out in their terrible, unreadable scribble they call a language.

Clearly, I pass the restroom. I ask a Thai I find where it is. The Thai doesn't speak English, so in my terrible, broken Thai, I ask for directions. And receive them obviously in Thai. I am trying to translate a language I barely understand while squeezing my butt as tight as possible and feeling the pressure building up. I am visibly sweating as I do my best speedwalking impression to the restroom while repeating the directions to myself in Thai.

I get there, and restrooms there aren't quite like in America. When you walk in, there are urinals on the left and right walls and stalls down the middle of the room. Sinks on the wall right next to the door and on the wall with all the stalls are the toilet paper rolls.

Thats right, you have to guess how much toilet paper you need before you get in the stall, because there is no toilet paper actually in the stall. And it is in those giant containers that are super, super thin and dont let you just take an entire roll. I pull as much toilet paper as I can while squeezing every tighter. The pressure is so high at this point, I am pretty sure my body temp was north of 105. I was burning up, sick to my stomach and my ass was about to explode.

As I am walking in, pulling toilet paper with my left hand, I am unbuttoning/unzipping with my right hand. There are Thai men in there seeing me do this, but WTF, this is an emergency.

I grab what little toilet paper I can, back into the stalls I drop my shorts and underwear and before I can seal my ass to the seat, my ass explodes. Simultaneously, I violently throw up into my shorts and underwear. All this with the door to the stall open. I lean forward and shut it, then survey the damage.

The damage is immense. Remember, I just finished a huge meat lovers pizza by myself along with a few cokes.

The walls, toilet, my shorts, my underwear, my shoes - everything is covered in **** and puke. It was like putting a grenade in a 5 gallon bucket of chocolate pudding. Only the chocolate pudding has lots of chunks of pepperoni and sausage.

And I can't spend too long surveying the damage, because round two is following closely behind round one. If no one has told you before, dysentery truly horrible. No time to clean, I actually had to sit on the **** to finish up, because I was way too weak to hover. And hovering would probably make you spray everywhere.

So after we are completely certain there is nothing left in my body that could possibly come out of any orifice, I have to some how make it back across Bangkok with my friends. Only my shorts, underwear and shoes are covered in **** and puke.

My hands and everything above the waist is clean. Off comes the shirt and thankfully I was wearing an undershirt. The shirt was hung on the stall hook and the undershirt was used to clean the back of my legs and ass, then tossed on the floor next to the toilet.

Then, I use the TP to clean myself some more. I take my short off (that are filled with puke and ****) and toss them aside. No, I don't have a second pair. The socks come off and help clean.

I'm now mostly clean and completely naked in Bangkok, Thailand.

Time to open the door to the stall. First, I put my clean shirt back on and tuck it under my armpits so it will stay clean, then I grab my ****ty shoes, and ****ty shorts and leave the stall. If cell phone cameras existed, I would have taken a pic of the disaster zone. But this was 2001.

Grabbed my clothes and went to the sinks to wash out what I could. So I am standing completely naked at the sink. My undershirt, socks and underwear are on the floor of the stall, never to be seen again. I'm taking a pseudo-shower at the sink, making sure all the **** is off me. Its going to be at least 2 hours until I can get home. I wash out my shoes in the sink and put the wet shoes back on. So I have a shirt pulled up and tucked into my armpits and soaking wet tennis shoes on. No shorts, no underwear. And I am washing **** and puke out of my khaki shorts in the sink.

And what happens? The two cleaning ladies for the mall come in to the bathroom as I am standing there in all my glory, dripping wet and completely naked. They were about as shocked as I was and promptly left.

So I got my stuff all clean and tried to run in a store real quick to buy clean, dry clothes. Everything was closed and my friends were standing there waiting for me to grab a cab back.

Now, we were in Bangkok in the rainy season, so it wasn't too unusual to see one of us completely soaked. Only it hadn't rained at all today. My friends saw me walking up with water squishing out of my shoes, my khaki shorts completely soaked and mostly see through, and my shirt tail wet from the shorts and asked how I got drenched. I told them it was a long story and I would tell them later.

I didn't say a word the whole cab ride back. I was sick like that for about three weeks in Thailand, lost about 50 lbs and got to stay in a Thai hospital and be treated by a doctor that spoke no English. Got home and had surgery about a month later and wasn't completely recovered from the dysentery for about two years. I never told my travel companions what happened. Unless they read Texags, I doubt they know.

I know a few people that caught something in Thailand... but 'dysentery' is a new one. Your secret is safe with me.

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Unless they read Texags, I doubt they know.

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i mean, i'm sure you cleaned up as much as possible but SURELY there was some "eau-de-meat lovers" in the air...

[This message has been edited by spider96 (edited 2/5/2011 12:32p).]

Saw Bob Schneider last night, and between songs he told a story about eating sugar-free chocolate-covered almonds that forced him to stop to take a dump at a gas station while driving on I-10, only to find no TP. Pretty funny.

How did it take GS 33 pages to post that?

How is flippers picture still there.

don't bring attention to it.

Is that a stirring straw??

For Pg 20 and GS

Pregame: 3 deviled eggs, bowl of chili and jalapeno popper dip and chips.

1st quarter: kiwi, pineapple and few chocolate mint chip cookies.

2nd quarter: 4 ribs, half link of sausage, mini pulled pork sandwich, mashed potatoes, coleslaw and saffron rice.


halftime: charmin, wet wipes and air freshener.


gotta love the superbowl.

Pre-game meal ... sausage, pork tenderloin, bacon-wrapped dove

2 **it sessions by half-time

followed by a third explosive trip to the pot during the Packers' game-winning drive ...

today is going to be brutal

sts' food spread was awesome


No issues today...well done, sir

[This message has been edited by Stimulus Package (edited 2/7/2011 9:27a).]

Debating nuking one of the terminal b crappers at IAH pre departure. 7 layer dip is knocking.

Had a double flusher with a plunge this mornIng, and boy was it foul smelling

I eradicated most of the cheese dip I had yesterday at lunch.

Best way to describe it would be air cannon + mud.

GS's story. Holy ****!

Seriously, how did that take you 2 or 3 months of this thread going on to tell that story?

So in what way were you not fully recovered after 2 years?

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So in what way were you not fully recovered after 2 years?

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After reading his story I'm pretty sure it would have to be a psychological recovery. I'd be flat scared to **** ever again if that happened to me.

This could of been useful in GS's situation....

Just enjoyed a post-Ninfa's-lunch emptying of my bowels in a peaceful handicapper at the back of the hospital.

just got a scorching reminder that i had Thai Gourmet for dinner last night. Yama hama.

Was offshore earlier this week - four to a state room. Heavy rich food at almost every meal.

Pinched a loaf after evening chow and gave a courtesy shot of Lysol after flushing. One of the roomers came in to use the head and I warned him he may want to wait a bit.

Not wanting to wait, he heads in and comes back out after attempting to shut the door. He grabs a small unlabeled spray can, applies it to the present funk and then goes in. After he's done he comes out and laughing says "good thing that spray is stronger than your sh*t..."

After lunch the next day, I go back to the state room to get my laptop and go to the head to drop a load off. Same roomer comes in to use the head after me. He comes out and says "bro, I think you got something dead in you".

I said, "yeah, but I'm trying like hell to get it out..."

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How did it take GS 33 pages to post that?

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Seriously, how did that take you 2 or 3 months of this thread going on to tell that story?

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I never opened the thread. Didn't really care about lunch teeth brushers. I don't work in a real office.

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So in what way were you not fully recovered after 2 years?

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I came back to the states and had a small part of my intestines removed. This was summer 2001, I flew back on August 28th - two weeks before 9/11.

It took me about two years to really be able to eat what I want. For the entire fall 01, I was pretty much eating nothing but bland food. Rice, chicken broth, etc.

Oops!