I have never really shared my story in detail on this thread, but I would like to today. This is only part of the overall story, but it's the center of the timeline. My desire in sharing is not at all self serving and is simply that someone may read this and feel less alone or more hopeful. My greatest hope is that someone may read it and have confidence to take a step in their own journey based on the common threads of the human existence in and around addiction.
Two years ago today, I woke up completely alone in a hotel room in College Station. I had gotten blackout drunk alone in that hotel room the night before. There had been many, many blackout alone nights over the years, and they had taken their toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. I had either alienated or was well on my way to alienating pretty much everyone who meant anything to me and had an increasingly strong feeling of having no direction, no point, and no hope.
Like many other mornings, I had managed in my blackout to leave four beers in the hotel fridge the night before. The four beers that would take the edge off, get the cobwebs out, get me through, pick me up, and whatever other bull**** terms I used to use to justify succumbing to a really dark and daily addiction.
For some reason that is still not 100% known to me but I am ever so thankful for, the talk with myself in the mirror that morning went different than the thousands of mirror talks that had been occurring over the years. I cried, I screamed, I felt lost, I felt scared, I was broken. I knew what I had to do but i didn't know if I had it within me to do it. But something came over me that morning. It had come over me before, but I never had the guts to act on it and always had given into the beast before. That morning, though, I acted on it. Took a shower, got dressed, and left those damned four beers in that hotel fridge.
The very most important thing that I did that entire day was to call my mom crying and simply say, "I need help." Just saying those three words to someone who I trust was an unbelievable weight off my shoulders. It was scary as hell, but it was the beginning of turning a corner.
I vibrated into my first AA meeting an absolute wreck about eight hours later. I found people who cared, I found some structure, I found some hope, and I found some tiny glimmer of light on a way that could be different than what I had known for ten plus years. A whole lot has gone on since then. Recovery has been the most challenging thing I have ever done, but it has been the absolute best thing I have ever done. Life hasn't stopped - relationships starting, relationships ending, death, birth, career change, good times, bad times, a bunch of in between times - but I have done that life without blunting it through a dependence on a substance.
Things are far from perfect, but I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to live that imperfect life unchained. I am eternally grateful to every single person who has supported that journey in some way. By no means do I have it all figured out, but I am grateful for the chance to keep figuring it out in a healthy, positive, clear minded, and full hearted way every day.
My name is Perry. I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is March 19, 2017.
