I would pay top dollar to see a video of Joey Gallo breaking down an at-bat.
Interviewer: "Joey, take us through that at-bat, pitch by pitch."
Joey: "Well the first one, was kind of like, some kind of a curvy pitch, I guess? I wasn't really watching because the beer vendor in the box seats was really loud. LIke, hey bro, we get it, Michelob Light goes down smooth. Anyway, I feel like the pitcher is probably throwing the pitch he thinks I might like the best first so I swung hard on that one but came up a few feet short."
Joey: "Second one, uhhhh, oh yeah, probably about 3 feet above my head. But one time in Little League back in Vegas, I swung at a pitch like that from Frankie Hernandez, who like, was so good, like he made All-Stars every year, and I got the bat on it, and it hit the third baseman in the nuts because he was crying already because his mom made him play that day even though he had the runs and he had just pooped his pants and I wound up with a triple. So I'm like, hey, lightning always strikes twice in the same place, but I think I pulled a muscle swinging on that one."
Joey: "Third one. Oh yeah, haha, third one bounced twice in front of the plate! Like I'm going to swing at that garbage! Like the old saying goes, bounce it once, shame on me, bounce it twice, we won't get fooled again. So now it's 1-2, and you know a pitcher doesn't want to get that 2nd ball, because I'm pretty sure 3 balls is a walk. Or is it a balk? Do you ever feel like someone just was trying to say balls and walk in the same sentence and they wound up saying balk but they didn't want to look stupid in front of all their friends at the bar, especially since Tommy finally brought his sister who I'd been trying to bang since 11th grade, so you just act like you meant to say balk?"
Joey: "Anyway, fourth one, I mean yes, technically if I hadn't swung it might have hit me in the face, but Coach Boone always says keep your eye on the ball. But I once told him, hey Coach, what if instead of that, I keep my BAT on the ball. And I mean, look, he's a great coach and his dad fought the Indians for our country, but he was SPEECHLESS. Like I just rocked his whole world when it comes to baseball insight. He sat there for like 25 minutes without saying a word. Eventually it got awkward so I went looking for Gleybar Torres to see who do the smelliest fart in the press box before they open it up to the media. Anwyay, I swung at that one, but the ball like defied gravity and kept rising and missed the bat."
WARNING: I have a deep-seated desire for others to love the Star Wars franchise as much as I do, in exactly the way I do, and get snippy and sensitive and passive-aggressive when they don't.
