Gotta apologize for the length of this one. Had no idea it would be this long a story. But I have a feeling 10, 11, & 13 will be as long or longer.

9) Girl I picked up and slept with a couple times yet never saw naked.


Back in the day before the Dunvale Walmart was as notoriously scary as it is now, I used to live down off westheimer in some apartments off Old Farm Road right across the street from said Wal Mart. It was a fine area at the time where we could go out drinking at the area bars on Richmond and Westheimer and still feel relatively safe if we had to walk our drunk asses home at 2am. It really was the place to be back then, but occasionally we'd venture outside of our comfort zone and hit the burbs where some of our more grown up friends had settled. This is a tale of one such adventure.

For the life of me I have no idea who's house party we were attending, or why the hell we were there but I do know it had to be on the north side of town somewhere. As is usual for these type of parties, it's pretty much the same old faces every time. This was no different except for the one girl in the group who actually brought a friend, which turned out to be very nice of her to do for me. I never really introduced myself, but hopped out into the garage to grab a beer from the cooler and she was out there smoking with another friend of mine. I don't remember it being very cold, but it must have been cold enough by female standards as she was wearing a black jacket with a fur lined collar and two big fur balls hanging off the zipper that were very reminiscent of Fuzzy Dice that people used to hang from their car mirrors. She was henceforth dubbed 'Fuzzy Balls' both in real life and for the purposes of this story. Now I can't remember the conversation that went down in the garage, but I do remember that she hated me almost instantly. Whatever I said to piss her off, I thought was hilarious as I almost always do, so I just labeled her a wet blanket and went about my business of being drunk and funny.

Now how I knew the house had to be up on the north side of town was the fact that the second act took place at Tin Hall where we'd gone to see some old country singer. I want to say it was Charlie Robison, but I could have my Tin Hall nights twisted up. Anyways, at some point in the evening she must have warmed up to me, which was really surprising after I took someone's knife and cut the tacky ass Fuzzy Balls off her zipper and tossed them in the trash. But at that time of the evening she agreed they were too much and just laughed about it. Somehow from that point we bagan chatting which led to dancing and finally making out on the dance floor. Not a bad turnaround from someone who despised me earlier in the evening. After dancing and making out for a while she had to hit the bathroom. Once she was gone one of my buddies came over to ask who she was and I of course had no clue what her name was. So he offered to help me figure it out with the old introduction trick. She got back and he came over to say hi to me and then politely introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Jon"...to which she replied, "Hi Jon, I'm Fuzzy Balls, but I know your only introducing yourself because Catch has no idea what my name is." Totally busted. But I did make a point to remember her name from that point.

After Tin Hall we all went back to the house to continue the drinking. Obviously everyone had seen us at Tin Hall, so we cooled our jets a bit back at th house. Eventually we get back to each other and start chatting again. She asked me where I lived, and I told her I lived in some apartments off Old Farm Road. She instantly got mad at me and told me I was lying and her girlfriend that brought her told me to tell her that. Of course I had no idea why she was mad, but come to find out she lived off Old Farm Road too and thought I was just ****ing with her again. Pulled out my ID to prove that we were evidently neighbors. She lived in the apartments right across the street from my complex. Turned out to be a happy coincidence as she soon decided she wanted to leave and asked if she could catch a ride back with me. I had no problem with it, so we said our goodbyes and hit the road. Now while I always have hopes, I never just expect that I'm getting laid and this situation was no different, but for some reason she made sure to tell me that she was not going to have sex with me. Wasn't really sure how to respond to that so simply told her "OK".

Evidently she was hungry on the way back so we stopped at McDonalds and she got herself a 6 piece chicken McNuggets. Made it down the road to Old Farm and she told me she wasn't ready to go to sleep and suggested we watch a movie at my place. And again reinforced that she was not going to sleep with me, and I again responded with "OK". Sat around and chatted while she finished up her McNuggets and searched for a movie to watch. 6 McNuggets appeared to be a little too much for her so she kindly gave her last one to me. First time I ever had a McNugget. It was Meh. Anyways, she picked "Legends of the Fall" and then suggested that we watch it in bed. Again reminding me that we were not going to have sex. Now I'm not the most savvy guy out there when it comes to signals, but it seemed to me that her actions were contradicting her words every time she spoke. But again I just said "OK". She asked to borrow a T-shirt, so I yanked one out of the closet for her and she promptly kicked me out of my room so she could change.

She's already in bed under the covers when I'm allowed back in. So I toss in the movie and hop in bed next to her. She tells me how much she loves the movie and then tells me to fast forward to the sex scene as that was her favorite part. In my head I'm screaming at the top of my Lungs "You've Got to be ****ing Kidding Me!". So now we're in bed watching Brad Pitt plow Julia Ormond from behind and all the sudden the starts talking to herself.... "I'm not going to sleep with him, I've got to be good, I've got to be good, I've got to be good."..."Dammit!, do you have a razor?" I just looked at her with a befuddled expression. "What?". She reiterates "A razor, like to for shaving." Tell her yeah that I kept it in the bathroom like most normal people. And without another word she jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom and I soon hear the bathtub running. About five minutes later she comes back out, hops in bed and tells me "OK, now I'll have sex with you, rewind back to the sex scene." I really have no idea if her *****ly legs were the excuse she was using for herself from the beginning or if shaving was just an afterthought, but no matter how I looked at it, this ***** was ****ing crazy. Rewound back to the sex scene and we had at it. It was very odd. No foreplay, just sex. Tried to take her shirt off: No Go, Tried to go down: No Go, Tried a little genital fondling: No Go. All I managed was to get her panties off and to get in there. So all and all the desired end result was achieved. Now I'm not really sure if it was the alcohol or fear that she was going to kill me when I finished, but I do have to say it was one of my finer performances.

Wake up the next morning and she's ready to go again and since I'm a huge fan of the morning sex I happily obliged. Obviously I had sobered up or my fear had subsided at that point because we were quickly just laying there involved in conversation. She asked what I was doing for the day to which I had no real response. "Got nothing planned". Then the kicker "Would you like to come to Church with me?" I busted out laughing like no ones business. "Absolutely not, sorry sweetie" She has a horrified look on her face at this point. "Well you are Christian right?" Which got a resounding "No" "Well you do at least believe in God right?" to which I laughed and told her "Sorry sweetie, Strike 2". This is when she begins to freak out. "Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!, You're the Devil, I just slept with the Devil, Oh My God I slept with the Devil! I'm going to Hell! Oh My God!" It may have been a bit callous of me, but I could not stop laughing the entire time she was going through her little break down. She finally calmed down and must have realized she was over reacting, because she promptly ****ed the Devil again.

We wrapped up the morning sessions and I finally took her home. Exchanged numbers and sarcastically told her to have fun at church. That got me the stink eye. Now I've never been much for one night stands and she seemed to have come to terms with demon semen, so I went ahead and called her that night. I was given an instant invitation to come over to her place. I was definitely up for another round so I made my way over. First words out of her mouth hen I got there: "You didn't bring me any beer?" To which I had to apologize. I'd have been happy to have brought some and quickly learned that I really really needed some as I soon met her puppies. These two little yippee ass pomeranian's come running out of her bedroom and start nipping at my ankles. The first thing I noticed about these two pups outside of the fact they were annoying as **** was that they were both wearing diapers. Now before you go assuming they had not been spayed and were on their period I'll just let you know that Pooh and Tigger were both boys. I inquired about the diapers which lead her to tell me the sob story of her first Pomeranian pup that her ex-husband took out to use the bathroom without a leash and was instantly flattened when it ran into the street. So, now she NEVER let her pups out of the house. She just put them in diapers and let them piss and **** themselves and cleaned up after them like they were damn babies. The minute she started talking to them in baby talk was the moment I knew this was not going to go beyond the night.

As it was approaching bed time, she finally asked if I was going to stay over. Asked her where the dogs slept and she told me she kenneled them in the bathroom. So I told her "Of course!" I mean, I hadn't come all the way across the street for nothing. I had hoped that she had loosened up a little about the whole nakedness thing since we'd already aquainted ourselves, but no. Same story. Kept the shirt on, no foreplay, just straight P to the V. I did manage to roll her over this time and see a little ass crack this go round, but that was the extent of what I saw the entire time. Knocked it out a couple times and passed out. 4:30am rolls around and her alarm clock starts blaring. I asked her what kind of job she had that required her to be up at 4:30 in the morning. But she evidently set it for more sex. Now I did appreciate the enthusiasm, but 4:30am alarm clock sex just isn't the same as morning sex. Luckily groggy sex has some of the same attributes of drunken sex, so it wasn't all bad. It was about that time she started talking about our future. I made a few incoherent grunts as if I was sleeping, but I was very much wide awake and remained so for the rest of the night planning my escape. Had one more round in the morning and then parted ways. Told her I'd call her, But I think we all know how that turned out. I did of course, are you kidding me? Sex is sex regardless of the crazy, but as luck would have it, she was busy and I just happened to hook up with another girl a few days later who loved being naked and all the other fun stuff that came with it. Ended up dating her for a couple months and never saw Fuzzy Balls again.

To this day that was still the most sex I ever had within a 36 hour span, yet still never saw all the good stuff that usually comes along with it. Not sure if she had body image issues, a third nipple, lopsided tits or an oversize ****, but she was hiding something. But I guess if I didn't see it I can't really complain about it. It was also the first and only time I manage to have sex without spending a single dime on the girl. Technically, I actually cost her a single McNugget. That's pretty much still my going rate. I won't even get into what a beer gets ya.