Here ya go. Another long one. Cut and pasted from the original do the lead in may not make sense.

I feel like this is something I should share here. Y'all probably figured out that I was drinking at Twin Peaks last night, and I know I mentioned early that I had to stay out of strip clubs until mid april because I am nursing a broken clavicle. But evidently that was just an excuse. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts like a mother ****er, but I seem to have managed just fine last night when I decided to hit up Crazy Horse again. It's not an eventful story, so if you've gotten this far looking for something good, well, at least I was upfront about it.

Anyways, found myself sitting at the bar straight away. I'm generally pretty particular about my women, and my strippers must fall within the same guidelines. I like to call them spinners, but my friends call them 12 year old boys. Which is dumb, because I always verify age and sex after I'm done. But that's beside the point. Saw 2 right off the bat that were in my wheelhouse, but they disappeared into a corner with some ******bags shortly after they finished eating. They were likely not of drinking age anyways, so I wasn't too upset. Next one that caught my attention was on stage. A little too tall for my taste, but tight little body. But once I got up close, the bad overbite and meth face killed it. And anyone that really knows me knows that meth is not a game changer in my book. So long as it doesn't affect the face like in this case.

But then I saw her. Not a striking beauty by any means, not as meth skinny as I like, but she what she was wearing just struck a nerve. Teeny, tiny little school girl skirt with her butt slightly exposed. It wasn't the schoolgirl aspect of it so much as it was the fact that it reminded me of someone I am sure will be the death of me, but I can't seem to get away from. Go figure I'd fall for a girl that dresses like a stripper on the regular. But the skirt was almost identical to one she has and looks oh so good in. In my opinion that is. Again, not everyone likes the suicide girl with a drug habit look. Regardless, I was drunk enough and with the skirt on, she was close enough.

She was a fairly easy takedown as far as getting her to notice me and seek me out. It's amazing what $3 will do in a strip club. But after stage 3, she got off and made her way over to assure me she'd be back to see me as soon as she took a little hooker shower in the locker room. Admittedly, she had worked up quite a sweat up there. But the good kind of sweat you don't mind licking off. Or maybe that's just me, but I'm sure Aggs03 will agree. Just assuming, as he comes off as even more depraved than me on this board.

She finally made her way over to me at the bar and we got to talking a bit before getting into the business of dancing. And yes, believe it or not I actually do talk to strippers and usually listen. I find that 90% of the time they actually make me feel like I have my **** together. It's that 10% of the time that I get really sad since I can relate too much. Luckily, this was one of my 90% conversations.

We started off with a random shot. I can remember the bartenders name was Shawn, but couldn't tell you for the life of me what the shot was. Something gay. Anyways, right off she began talking about how hungry she was and wanted to look at a menu. She had only been working there for 5 days, so she didn't know what they had. But she started going through what she couldn't eat. She claimed she was allergic, but everything she said she couldn't eat was so random and the stuff she could eat usually included bits of items she was "allergic" to, so I quizzed her a bit. She finally admitted she wasn't allergic. She just couldn't eat certain items because of her dentures.

Her ****ing DENTURES. She is 27.

This required more intel. Of course my first though goes straight to meth. But I know that the whole toothless wonder the anti-meth campaigns advertise is not the true "Face of Meth" as they like to say. I mean, all the meth heads I know have all of thier teeth and are generally no worse for wear considering their past. Well, except that a few have gained quite a bit of weight since quiting, which actually makes me a little sad occasionally. But back on track, this was strictly a case of being a stupid hillbilly out of vidor.

As the story goes, her dentist was evidently a huge crook and was defrauding dental insurance companies by doing unnecessary dental work on the insurance company's dime. He had convinced her that her teeth were all rotten and needed to be completely pulled and replaced. Evidently they busted him after he had yanked them and put him in the pokey for insurance fraud and she manage to get a $100,000+ settlement out of the deal. Unfortunately, full dental reconstruction was going to cost over the 100K she got, so she went the denture route and spent the rest on her kid. All and all the story was just too elaborate not to believe. I didn't even bother questioning why the **** a stripper would have dental insurance.

Again, I was drunk and she was a stripper, so the fact she had no real teeth was a non-issue as far as I was concerened. It's not as if I was looking to make her the future Mrs. Catch. Especially since she had recently divorced her 3rd husband. I didn't need to be #4 on that train. Seriously though, does it get any more cliche? 3 time divorced Stripper out of Vidor with a kid? The only thing better would have been if the kid was half black. Not a shot at any black folk, but surely anyone from Texas knows Vidor's history and can find the irony in that.

So, we drink a bit and chat a while until the inevitable "so, do you want a dance?" question came about. This was already pre-determined as far as I was concerned, but god love her, she jumped right into negotiations. Now this was a first for me. I usually jump right on in at $20 per dance without question. But she offered up 7 dances for $100 instantly. I mean, that's 2 free dances as far as I'm concerned and I already planned to give her 2 bills anyways. So I asked how much for $200 and she quoted me 19 dances. ****ing $380 value there. Sold! Got a few dances and somehow found our way into the champagne room. Another $25, a deal within it's own right. Not really sure why as I already knew the layout wasn't condusive for extracurriculars. But it didn't matter. Drank and partied our ass off all night. She even brought in another girl who had struck out all night and I let her give me a couple dances. All and all a good time. Didn't even matter to me that I only got about 7 out of 19 dances in the 7 hours I was there.

At 2am the lights come on. Another first for me. Never seen the lights on in a strip club before. Shocker right? She flat out told me I needed to come back because she still owed me a bunch of dances. Now, oddly enough I acutally believe she would honor those dances if I did see her again. I mean, she knew I was in pain and made me a make shift arm sling out of her top. What kind of stripper does that? Just plain weird.

I guess sometime before the night ended, we exchanged numbers. Which is not so out of the ordinary for me. But what is out of the ordinary was the fact that she friended me on Facebook. I only know this because I noticed when I woke up this morning (2 hours late for work mind you) that I had posted a status update around 3am and she had responded to it.

So of course, like any good facebook stalker, I check out her profile to snoop through her pictures. You know, to see what she actually looked like in clothes and while sober. And as expected, lots of pics of her little boy. And then there was this pic, of the kid, and his teeth.....



I think her dentist may deserve a re-trial....