Alright, finally got this one down. Should be a good friday read. Again, I apologize for the length.

10) Cripple date from Match.com

Now while I know a ton of people who tend to be habitual daters, it's never really been my thing. I 've just never grasped the whole concept of dating in general. But that being said, when you go months or years without actually placing your member in something warm and wet, you gotta go outside your comfort zone. Unfortunately I'm in a dry spell more often than not and the online dating scene is always there bragging about their results, so I'm pretty much on every dating website out there for ****s and grins. Granted, I've been doing this a long time and have probably contacted less than 10 women, so I'm not very enthused about them. 90% of the time I just comment on something that gets my attention in thier profile and generally don't expect to get any sort of response. But the one time I did, it kinda snowballed on me.

I was on Match.com and came across a pretty low key profile. Only one grainy picture of a girl and her friend sitting in the booth of what appeared to be a Mexican restaurant was really all I had to work with. She lived on Galveston Island and described herself as very fitness oriented and loved working out, running on the beach, and swimming among other things. She also claimed to have a good eye for fashion and had been told on a regular basis that she looked like Natalie Portman or Julia Roberts. Now I hate Julia Roberts with a passion, but would do oh so many dirty things to Natalie Portman, so that sounded like a pretty good deal to me. I could almost see the resemblance if I stood back from the computer about 5 feet and squinted my eyes. Being that I was fairly certain that the picture was taken at the Tortugas Mexican restaurant on the Seawall in Galveston, I used that as an ice breaker. Simply shot her a note asking her if the photo was indeed taken at Tortugas and that I frequented that spot for lunch. I got a response within the hour telling me that it was indeed Tortugas and that we should exchange contact info and go out sometime. The instant response and apparent desperation to meet up with some dude that she knew nothing about should have been my first warning. But as always, I ignored all warning signs.

We eventually exchanged contact info and I told her I'd call her and we could set something up. Now one of the things I absolutely hate doing is talking on the phone and I'll come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid calling someone. Generally this would be no different, but she never really gave me a chance to avoid making the call as she took it upon herself to call me. We chatted for a little bit and in the process of feeling each other out and getting to know each other she did share with me that she had some sort of degenerative spinal cord disorder that occasionally affected her legs and required her to wear a knee brace whenever she went to the gym. Being that I know a **** ton of people that have to wear knee braces when the work out or run, this did not seem odd to me at all. We finally got to the discussion of going out and pretty much made the most cliche date plans ever. Dinner and a movie. 'Garden State' was coming out that week and she just had to see it since Natalie Portman was in it and she just loved her so much because they were so much alike in every way. So we were set to go out the following Wednesday night.

The following Tuesday I was out on a jobsite when I got a phone call from her. She asked me what I was up to and I told her I was just working. Then she asked me if I wanted to meet up for lunch. Thought this was a tad odd to preempt our date the following day, but just went with it. Told her "Sure, what time?" She said, "Well, I just woke up so give me about 30 minutes." I look at my phone to see that it's already afternoon. Figured at that point she either didn't have a job or if she died it wasn't what I'd considet a real job. "Alright, so 12:30ish? Where would you like to go?" and I get "Well, I don't have a car. So how about you just pick something up and come over to my place." Now I didn't have a mirror, but I'm pretty sure my face had quite the odd expression at that point. "Um, Ok...." She then proceeds to place her order, tell me where to pick it up and how to get to her place. I get off the phone just shaking my head thinking "What the ****?". But then my pen!s yelled out to me "Nooner dumb ass! Duh!". To which I thought, "Oh yeah, that could happen" Afterall, I do have a knack for getting into strange situations. I mean, I was still a little hesitant about the whole situation, but there was a chance I could get some lunch time strange, so it was worth the risk. So I was off to pick up our lunch.

Got the lunch and found her place. She lived in an old Victorian style house that had been converted into a quad plex. Her place was on the first floor and I could only assume it was the one with the door wide open. So I walk up to the door, peek in and say hello. I was correct. She was standing in the kitchen in her pajama bottoms and a baby tee just small enough to expose and accentuate her sweet muffin top. She was nice enough to pull her bed head up into a ratty ponytail and put on a little lipstick. She was neither pretty nor fit and the only similarity to Natalie Portman was that she had brown hair and brown eyes. There was absolutely nothing right about this scene except the fact she was barefoot and in the kitchen. But in reality, the place was about as big as my office and the only clear floor space was in the kitchen, so it only made sense that she be there. She then came to greet me and I realized she may have been a tad less than honest about her level of activity. Took a normal step forward with her left leg, and then with an exaggerated jerk of her upper body in the same direction she kicked her right leg around in front and continued to gimp on over to me. Honestly, my description doesn't even give the limp justice, she was legitimately crippled. This was definitely not what I signed up for.

I had no idea what to say, so I just acted as if it was all good. Handed her her lunch and asked where we could eat as she appeared to be lacking a table. So she just told me to have a seat at her computer desk. So now I'm eating off her keyboard and she's standing there next to me with her salad on the edge of the computer desk. I hand her the plastic to-go silverware and she politely declines. "Oh, no thanks, I don't need it." which I assumed meant she was going to use real silverware. But no, she just started eating her salad with her hands. So the was both cripple and classy. We chatted a bit while we ate but honestly I was focused more on getting out of there then the dull conversation. Finally I told her I'd already taken too much time for lunch and really needed to get back to the office. I was seriously considering just completely bailing on her the next day, but I could only imagine that happened to her quite a bit and really didn't want to be 'That Guy' so I basically reconfirmed everything. "So, the movie doesn't start until 7ish and I get off at 4:30, would you like to just meet at a bar and have a few drinks beforehand?" And was disappointed with the response, "No, I really don't like drinking all that much and would prefer to have drinks afterwards" So now I'm really regretting the decision to be a nice guy as I had been banking on alcohol to make the date bearable. Then she suggest, "Well, I have a bunch of newspaper I need to take to the recycler, you could come by early and help me take it." I couldn't even believe she'd make such an assinine suggestion so I quickly came up with an alternative that would suit me. Told her that didn't really seem like it would fill the time slot and that I had a company event after work that I was planning to skip, but would go ahead and go there and just pick her up after. Believe it or not that was actually true.

The event actually required me to stick around the office for an extra hour, but figured that was still better than the alternative. Made my way over to the Propeller Clubs monthly steak dinner around 5:45 and immediately began pounding beer. Only had about 45 minutes before I told her I'd pick her up so I managed to get in 5 beers. Called her up to make sure she was ready and I hit the road to get her. She told me to just park up front and she'd meet me at the street. I get there and she's already struggling to get her ass to the street. I could tell that she had at least gone through the entire make up process and did her hair this go around, but she was wearing an outfit that looked like something my grandmother wore back in the 80's. Evidently she had lied about her fashion sense as well as her disability.

We got to the theater with plenty of time, which was good because she moved really slow. I really can't say whether the movie was just bad or the experience itself ruined it for me, but it seemed as if it would never end. Finally it was over and we were heading back to the truck, which is when she fell over the first time. Luckily she fell into me and I was able to catch her, which I guess was better than letting her hit the ground and roll down the ramp, which is what I've always imagined would have happened if I weren't there. Kinda would have liked to be able to add that as part of the story. Anyways, now it was time for dinner, the only thing I'd actually been looking forward to the entire evening because I'd planned to take her to The Steakhouse at the San Luis. If nothing else I was going to get a good damn meal out of this nightmare. We get in my truck and she asks if I had a cell phone. I'd kinda figured everyone had a cell phone at that point, but evidently she did not, so I let her borrow mine. And then, "How do I use it?" All I could think was "Seriously?" but explained to her that she simply needed to dial the number like a regular phone and hit send. So she types in the number and asks, "OK, now what?" Again I tell her "Hit send, it's the green button." Considering everything up to then, I had to question whether she had lied about her education in her profile as well because she claimed to have a highschool degree.

She finally figured out the cell phone and I hear, "Hey, it's me"..."Yeah, we just got out of the movie"..."Yeah we're heading that way, I want Pepperoni" and then looks at me and asked "What kind of pizza do you want?" I realized at that point that I probably should have told her my gameplan and began mourning the steak dinner that could have been and settled for a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza. She finished up our order and handed me back my phone. Told me that was one of her quad mates who worked over at Murphy's Pub and they had the best pizza. The key word in that sentence was 'Pub', which instantly turned my thoughts to booze. Finally I could at least drink the rest of the date and surely alcohol would make her more interesting.

We got to Murphy's and headed straight back to the bar to check on the pizza. They weren't ready yet so I ordered a Guinness and asked her what she wanted. Of course she didn't want to drink until the pizza was ready so we sat down and started back on the small talk. Pounded my first pint and excused myself to take a leak. When I got came out she was up at the bar chatting up a couple dudes. I just assumed that they were some friends of hers, so I bypassed them, grabbed another Guinness and then went to introduce myself. Evidently she had just met them while I was taking a piss. They introduced themselves as John and Paul and I told them, "Really? I'm J.P. short for Jon-Paul". Paul thought this was pretty amazing. "No way, are you serious? Wow, there are two John's and two Paul's, but only 3 of us!" Evidently Paul was easily amused. Now these 2 guys were about as polar opposite as could be. John being about 6'2" with a large athletic build and full head of hair, while Paul was about 5'5" about 230lbs and had an unfortunate case of male pattern baldness workin. I couldn't think of a better pair of time share salesmen, as I soon found they were. So we bull****ted with them until our pizzas were ready and then returned to our table to eat. At this point I was ready for another Guinness and low and behold my date was finally ready for her first drink of the night. Hallelujah!

After we bagan our meal, John and Paul ventured by to ask how the Pizza was. Admittedly, it was pretty tasty so we recommended it and they ordered one of thier own. Once thiers came out, my date went back up to the bar and invited them to sit with us. Now normally I would have been annoyed with some random dudes intruding on my date, but I welcomed this situation. Gave me a chance to talk with someone other than my date. So now it's the four of us at the table. I think John was trying to talk my date into coming to interview with thier company, so she was pretty much locked in on that conversation and Paul and I were drinking and bull****ting about all sorts of nothing. All the sudden I hear John say "Oh ****". Paul and I look over and he leans to Paul and just nods over to this big blonde woman. Paul shakes his head and says "Oh God Damn!" They'd peaked my interest so I ask what's up. They explain that she works in thier office and they just absolutely can't stand her. John in particular seemed to have a **** ton of animosity towards her. It wasn't long before she found her way over to our table.

Now when I say big blonde, I don't mean tall, slender and buxom, think more East German Shot Putter. She finally got to the table John and Paul put on thier friendly faces and changed thier demeanor and the introductions begin. I introduce myself as J.P. and Paul starts in "Wait wait wait..., his full name is Jon-Paul, so there are two Johns and two Pauls but only 3 of us! Isn't that wild?" She gave a half hearted smile but did not seem to find it as amusing as Paul did. Anyways, she never sits down, but seemed to settle in standing next to the table and talking with us. Pretty sure she was drunk as she was extremely loud and pretty much all over the place conversation wise. It was very easy to see why John and Paul were not fans. Then she starts bragging about her deep throating skills. "hey hey, watch this!" She grabs a knife off the table, looks up opens her mouth and dips the knife all the way down her throat to the point her thumb and index finger were completly in her mouth as well and pulls it back out with a "Ta-Da! No gag reflex here" Not sure who she was trying to impress, but she lacked the body, looks and youth required to turn me on. However, none of that mattered when she said, "I can also lick my *****, would you like to see?" Even John and Paul were intrigued by that claim. "I said, yes, yes I would." John and Paul followed suit while my date just kinda sat there with a blank look on her face. All the sudden she whips out one of her tits exposing a cat tattoo, lifts it to her mouth and begins licking. John and Paul are just cracking up and I'm just dumbstruck. She then explained that was a trick she usually used to make money at the bars. Telling other drunks she could lick her ***** and then placing bets when they said she couldn't.

She sticks around a while longer and finally meanders off throughout the bar somewhere. We all just start busting out laughing about the events that just unfolded with thier crazy co-worker. But being that her presence was all that was keeping the conversation at the table together we quickly broke back down to our previous conversation pattern, John trying to impress my date with tales of time shares and Paul and I drunkenly blathering on about nothing. I see the blonde coming back around the corner and say "uh-oh" here she comes again." John is visibly annoyed at the idea of her return to the table, but Paul had a plan. As soon as she got to the table, Paul leaned over to her and whispered something in her ear. She perked up and goes "Really?!?" and bolted. I have no clue what's going on, but was laughing non the less and asked Paul what exactly he told her to get rid of her. Leans across the table and tells me, "I just told her that the guy in the corner over there wearing the cowboy hat had coke." I looked at him and said, "Are you ****ing kidding me? How'd you know that?" To which he explains, "I don't know ****, I just made it up to get rid of her. She'll be his problem now." So now I'm laughing uncontrolably, that **** was just too funny and obviously it worked because she was all over that poor cowboy. But no less than 5 minutes and she comes running back over to Paul and whispers something in his ear. This time he perked up. "Give me a minute" he says,"J.P. you got any cash?" Again I'm confused about what's conspiring here. "No, didn't bring any, what do you need it for" And he replies "Coke!". God damned if the mother ****ing cowboy didn't really have a coke connection and she was collecting cash to make a coke run. So Paul is scrambling for cash, got a little from John and then some from the bartender handed it over to Blondie and she was off again. I'm absolutely blown away with what just transpired and nudged my date, "Did you catch all that?" "Catch what? She says. I wanted to tell her she was ****ing worthless, but instead tried to give her a quick synopsis of the show I was watching since she was evidently on a whole different channel. She stared back blankly as if she didn't understand why I was so enthralled with what was going on.

I hop up and get another round of drinks and close out my tab. Looks like they completely missed the two pizzas, but at that point I was not going to bring it up. I sit back own and they are discussing hopping over to Molly's Pub down the way. My date had evidently agreed to this while I was closing my tab. This was not going to fly with me. So I politely explained, "Guys, I really don't think I'm up for another bar. I have to be up at 5am to drive to Victoria" This was only partially true, but damned if I didn't feel it was a good enough excuse. John looks at me and laughs, "Don't worry about that, as soon as she get's back, we'll be up all night." So I tell him that I appreciate the offer, but I'd really rather get some sleep in. My date of course is still completely oblivious as to what he was refering to. So we finish up our drinks and I hit the head once more. Come back out and ask my date if she was ready and she said yes, but then immediately says to John and Paul, "OK, we'll see you guys over there." She had not heard a single damn word I had said, but I just kept my mouth shut. So we head towards the front door, which is when she fell over for the second time. This time she fell away from me, but again as luck would have it, some Sea Aggie was right there and caught her. He made a comment to her about her being extremely drunk, which of course led her to go into the explaination that she was not drunk but had a spinal cord disorder, blah, blah, blah..... We were getting nowhere fast. She finally finished her life story and we made it outside. And damned if she didn't bump into some friend out front. I could see my ****ing truck, it was right there, I just couldn't seem to get to it. So another 15 minutes passes as shes catching up with this loser. This is the reason bars need to allow to-go beers.

Finally pull her away from that dude and get into the soothing comfort of my truck. She then proceeds to explain to me where Molly's was. I tell her, "Yeah, I know where Molly's is, but I was serious in there when I said I had to be up early for work tomorrow. I really need to get going." I think she actually processed the information that time and told me "Oh, ok. Well you can just go ahead and take me home then." I now see the light at the end of the tunnel. She makes a point to give me directions the entire way back, even though they only consisted of driving straight for about 10 blocks and taking a right. But evidently she felt I needed to know to continue straight at each individual intersection. Pulled up to her place and I don't even make an attempt to get out to walk her to the door. She hops out stands inside the door and thanks me for the evening and ends it with, "Well, you've got my number." And with a sour look I simply replied, "Yep!" The second that door slammed shut I layed rubber at her feet. Usually I'd at least wait to make sure she limped on up to her front door ok, but I was completely over it at that point. All I wanted to do was get as far away as quicky as possible. Pretty sure she got the hint as I never heard from her again. But that was officially my first and last online date ever.

I swear I haven't forgot about this. I don't know if my stories are legitimately getting longer or if I'm getting more longwinded. Hopefully this is up to snuff.

11) Fight with a magician in Vegas in defense of his "Lovely Assistant"

One of my closest girlfriends has always been what most would consider a free spirit. She has a dual degree from A&M, but never really settled down in a traditional job. Instead she'd pick up random 'gigs' on craigslist and work on her own terms. One night she'd be Go-Go dancing at a club, another night she'd be bartending somewhere, yet another she'd be working promotions for a liquor company handing out free shots, and another working a booth over at Specs sampling wine. You really just never knew what she'd be doing, and generally neither did she. It was an odd way of making a living, but it seemed to work very well for her. The one consistency in her schedule was the Burlesque Troupe she ran that danced every Wednesday night at the Continental Club. The were called The Panic Dolls and all the girls had "doll" names. There had been a few dolls in the lineup; VooDoo Doll, Baby Doll, and China Doll, but the two that kept it going were Vanity Doll and Lone Star Doll. Lone Star Doll being my closest girlfriend that I will simply refer to as Lone Star for the purposes of this story.

Lone Star called me up one afternoon to tell me about the latest gig she picked up. She was going to be a magician's assistant for a three week traveling show. This was a lot different than the standard odd jobs she'd picked up, especially since it was going to take her out of state. But she rarely ever found the time to get out of Houston, let alone Texas, so it was a great opportunity to get away for a bit. The trip itself was actually a road trip from Houston to California and back, with shows along the route in New Mexico, Arizona and California. She'd call periodically to tell me tales of her trip and the little podunk towns they'd been to. But then one night she called with some really exciting news. Evidently after they finished up in California they were going to be stopping off for a short break in Las Vegas. This was exciting for her because she'd never been to Vegas, it was exciting for me because it gave me an excuse to go to Vegas. I didn't know, nor did I really care, if she was joking when she told me I should come out to visit, but she seemed pretty surprised when I told her I would. I mean, when I saw I could get a $50 flight with points and had free rooms through Harrah's, I saw no reason not to go.

I went ahead and took advantage of those deals as soon as I could and was all set. Took off Thursday afternoon and arrived around sometime after 3pm Vegas time, checked into my room at Paris, and was off to meet them at Caesars Palace where they had evidently been wandering the Forum Shops. Actually caught them right as they made their way back into the casino from the shops. The Magician was about 5'7"-5'8" and about 210-220lbs with his head shaved completely bald and had a blonde mustache & soul patch working for him. He was wearing a bowling shirt with animal print accents and chain smoking, which even with the smoke filled casino could not cover up his body odor. I can honestly say that he struck me as a bit of a creeper right from the get go. I could tell once I was introduced to the magician, who I'll just call "Houdini", that he was not all that keen on my arrival. Not long after I showed up, he excused himself to let us roam around a bit on our own while he went back to their hotel to prepare for the nights activities. It was then that I got the low down that ole Houdini had a habit of trying to "date" his assistants, which just added to his creeper factor and reinforced that the vibe I got that he didn't want me there was spot on. Evidently he'd been grilling Lone Star from the moment her heard I was coming about who I was and why I was coming all the way out to Vegas to see her. He didn't seem to understand that I was just a degenerate alcoholic with a gambling problem.

Evidently the game plan for that evening was to go see a magic show. Now, Personally, when I'm on a break from work, I don't generally wander around construction sites that are much bigger and better than anything I'll ever be in charge of or even a part of, but that's just me. I guess magicians still have delusions of grandeur long after they've failed at life. But of course, this was not just some magician we were going to see, it was one of his good friends, Steve Wyrick, who headlined at Club Triq in the mall of the Planet Hollywood casino. Personally, I'd never heard of this guy, but Houdini name dropped a lot of other prominent Magician 'friends' he had hoped to visit like Chris Angel, Penn & Teller, and The Amazing Jonathan, but of course Houdini was just too busy to make the rounds to visit all of his friends. In all honesty, I really had no problem with the game plan, it just seemed odd that a magician wanted to go see another magician and the namedropping really annoyed me. He actually did get us in to the show for free, or at least I didn't pay for anything, so that was nice. The show turned out to be pretty good and we ended up hanging out at the bar at Triq waiting for Steve to be free so Houdini could pal around with him. And by Pal around I mean watch Houdini go out of his way to catch him for the 35 seconds he was actually in the bar so he could introduce Lone Star. to him as his lovely assistant. It seemed like a blow off to me, but Houdini was certain that he'd come back out to the bar and have a few drinks with us. This never happened.

So we had a few more drinks at Triq, were we got to know Mike the bartender. He gave us all the ins and outs of the Vegas club scene and enjoyed our company so much he created a shot for Lone Star. He literally named the Lone Star Doll shot. Now my real assumption is that it is a random shot that he made up and names after any pretty girl that comes in, but they were free so I wasn't going to complain. Now the one thing I always loved about Lone Star is that she could go drink for drink with me all night and in most cases I'd actually have to be the one that backed off on the shots. All and all, that's pretty impressive for a 5'4" 100lb chick. This night was no different, as I finally had to tell her no more shots. So we left Triq and Houdini drove us down the strip to the Venetian. I have absolutely no idea why we went to the Venetian, but he was driving and I wasn't arguing. Once we got there we promptly found ourselves sitting at another bar on the casino floor. At this point I went back to my old faithful Bud Light so I could sober up a bit while she and Houdini continued with liquor. This all lasted until Lone Star decided she wanted to get on the bar and dance. We yanked her down ASAP upon the bartenders request. Surely Mike at Triq would have allowed this to continue, but alas, we were stuck with some uptight ***** over here. Houdini then left to take a piss, which was when Lone Star suggested that we ditch him and go party elsewhere. Generally I'd have been all for it cuz the dude did creep me out a bit, but I suggested that might not be the smartest thing, ditching her boss and all. Pretty sure that's when she remembered she was working for him and agreed.

When he got back from the pisser we decided it was time to go. Lone Star is pretty toasty at this point, so I end up giving her a piggy back ride from the bar through the casino and back to the van. Houdini is doing his best to keep a good 50 feet ahead of us, just trying to get back to the van as quick as possible I guess. So I yell for him to hold up because I couldn't keep up. He stopped, turned around and asked where I was going. I explained to him I was following him to the van. Then he asked, "Why?, I thought Lone Star was staying with you tonight." Now this really was not a part of my game plan as I thought I'd be leaving her with him and make my way to the Craps table somewhere and see what kind of damage I could do to my bank account. But I asked her "Oh, are you staying with me?" to which I get a yes. So I apologize, "Yep, sorry about that, you're right, I've got her." and turn back around to hit the cab line. I sit her on a bench outside the lobby for a bit hoping she'd be able to get up and walk on her own at that point, when all the sudden ****ing Houdini comes running back over to us. He goes straight to Lone Star and starts in, "Are you ok with going with him?" which get a yes. "Are you sure?, I don't want to leave you with him if you're uncomfortable." To which she explained that she had known me a long time, we were good friends, she trusted me and there was nothing to worry about. Meanwhile I'm standing right there thinking "What the **** is this all about now?" I mean seriously, a minute ago he was trying to run away and pawn her off on me and now he's back trying to protect her from me? I reinforced what Lone Star said and told him not to worry and promised him I wouldn't rape her. He didn't seem to catch the sarcasm in that statement as he was not amused. Finally he calmed down, accepted that she'd be safe with me and took off all by his lonesome. I somehow got the feeling he was hoping she'd have chosen to go back with him given the choice, which was why he had run back to make sure she wanted to go with me. Just in case.

Anyways, we make it over to the cab line and try to get in the first cab in line. Dude locks the door as I reach for it. Rolled down the window and told me she was too drunk and didn't want her getting sick in his cab. I tried to assure him that she never got sick, but he'd have nothing of it. Moved down to the next cab and boom, same god damned thing. Locked as soon as we walk up. Finally I get one of the cab hosts from the Venetian to help and he went cab to cab to find us one that would allow us in. I was utterly shocked how hard it was to convince one of these guys to let us in, especially in a city like Vegas where they thrived on drunken debauchery. We get in and thank the cabbie for taking us and tell him we're down at Paris. He takes off and I look over at Lone Star and say, "Where the **** is your skirt?" as I notice she's just sitting there in her panties. She looks down slightly confused as she was definitely wearing her skirt when she got in the cab. The cabbie was smart enough to make a complete stop and turn around for a gander, I mean why not, right? It was then that I realized I was sitting on it. Evidently when we got in, she hopped in first and I sat right on her skirt as she scooted over and pulled it right off. Now this really has nothing to do with the storyline itself, but it always gave me a laugh, so I felt like including it. Anyways, she got her skirt re-situated and made our way back to Paris where I put her to bed and she promptly passed out. This time with her skirt on.

Next day we met back up with Houdini and wandered the city and the sights with plans to go see a Cirque show later that night. We finished sight seeing and broke to take a couple hours to clean up and get ready and then planned to meet at New York New York to catch the show. They show up and Lone Star is wearing black knee high **** me boots and a skin tight purple sleeveless dress that was so short it barely covered her crotch. Turned out it was a $2000 Versace dress that Houdini had bought years ago and he just had laying around until he could find someone to fit in it. Now I believed it was Versace, because the tags were in fact Versace. I believed it could have cost $2000 because it was Versace, but would have guessed closer to $1000 since it was very simple design and took up very little clothe to make. But no way in hell did I believe that creepy ****er just happened to have a $2000 Versace dress sitting around that coincidentally fit Lone Star like a glove. Though, as creepy as he already was, I think that would have actually made him more creepy. So we hit the show, grab some dinner and then make our way back over to Club Triq so that Houdini could hopefully catch Steve Wyrick again for drinks.

Again, we're back at Triq, and again it's just the 3 of us at the bar with Mike the bartender. Lone Star is sitting in between me and Houdini and I hear him lean over to her and say, "We have to check out early tomorrow and find another hotel, so you are not going home with Catch tonight." And then he went off to the bathroom. She looks at me and asks, "Did you hear that?" I laughed and said, "Something about you not coming home with me?" She said, "Yeah, that was weird" And we began to laugh about that, it's implications and then proceeded to make fun of him and his B.O. until he returned. Then one of Lone Star's friends from High School stopped by. I believe he was a restaraunt manager at one of the local chinese spots out in the Vegas Burbs. So she introduces us and we start bull****ting a bit.

Now the booths at Triq all had little coffee table sized 'Stages' with a pole in the middle just in case any of the young ladies wanted to try out a little pole dancing. I knew it was only a matter of time before Lone Star made her way on to one of these. Eventually she got up and started twirling, which of course prompted Houdini to bring out his camera to snap a few pics. Normaly I wouldn't have had an issue with it, as I took a few pics myself. But this joker was getting down as low as he could and snapping upskirt shots, which seemed really unnecessary since her panties were easily visible everytime she raised her arms above her head. I just shook my head and turned to Lone Star's friend and said, "Seriously?, have a look at this..." and nodded thier way. Dude just looked at me and said, "Damn, thats ****ing creepy." right as Houdini literally placed the camera on the stage between Lone Star's legs to snap a pic. So at least I was not alone in my assessment. But Lone Star seemed to be enjoying herself and didn't seem offended at the creepy magician trying to zoom all in her business, so I just blew it off.

The booze was flowing quite well that evening and I wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention to what was going on around me at this point, but all the sudden I look over to see Lone Star sitting on the bar over by Mike, just bawling her eyes out. So I get over there to see what the **** was going on. I ask her why she's crying and she tells me "Houdini's going to fire me." I asked, "what do you mean he's going to fire you? He's not going to fire anyone." and she replied, "He said if I didn't come home with him right now I'm fired." and I was like, "Excuse me? He said what?" She re-confirmed his threat. I didn't know what kind of power trip this ****er was getting off on, but that **** wasn't going to fly. Right about then he makes his way out of the bathroom and comes back over and I was immediately in his face. "Houdini, what the **** is this **** about you firing Lone Star?" And told me, "Yeah, I told her if she didn't come home with me right now she was fired, We have to be up early tomorrow to check out and she wants to go home and **** the bartender." I just looked at him stupified and said "What the **** are you talking about?" And he again claimed she was going to go home and **** the bartender and she was fired if she did. So I looked over at the Bartender, "Mike!" and he reponds "Yeah, what's up" and I tell him "You're not ****ing Lone Star tonight.". To which I simply get a confused "OK?". So back to Houdini, "Alright, That problem's taken care of. Now what?" He was still not convinced. "That's fine, but I'm ready to go now and if she doesn't come with me then she's fired." So I made it simple for him. "Alright, go ahead and fire her. Right now." He was confused. "What do you mean?" To which I explained, "If you're going to fire her, Do it, You tell me right now that she's fired and I'll take her with me tonight and book her on the flight back with me tomorrow." At that point he started grasping for straws. "What about my dress?" Which admittedly confused me for a second, "What about your dress?" He clarified, "That's a $2000 Versace dress, I'm not just going to let her have it." I looked at her, and then her dress and told her "Lone Star, go to the bathroom and take off your dress. I'll be there in a minute to get it." At that point I got a bulge eyed WTF look from both Houdini and Lone Star. She said "Do What?" And I told her again to go take off her dress. She asked what she was going to wear, which I just told her not to worry about it and to just take off the dress. So she starts heading to the ladies room. That's when Houdini realized I was serious and started trying to crawdad out of this situation.

At this point Houdini appeared to have a change of heart. "No, No, don't do that. It's OK, I'm not firing her." and I'm very happy knowing I called him on his bluff. "That's fine, But obviously you want to leave and she does't, so how about you go ahead and get out of here and I'll take care of her. I'll drop her off at your hotel at 9am tomorrow? That should be plenty of time to pack up and check out." He said, "You don't need to drop her off that early, we don't check out until 11" I'm not sure what point I was trying to make at this time, but I told him again, "I said 9am, I'll have her there at 9am." He agreed and then it seemed as though he was trying to make nice nice with me. "I'm really sorry about all this, I don't have any problems with you Catch, I respect you. I just wanted to make sure she was going to be safe." and as calmly as I could I told him "Good, I'm glad to know you respect me and don't have any problems with me, but right now, I have a problem with you. You really need to get out of here before you do have a problem with me." Then he claimed to understand, "OK, I get it. Again, I don't have any problems with you, you're a good guy." I just said, "Yeah, I know. See you at 9am. Good Night!" as I was starting to get agitated with him again. Finally he high tailed it out the back door to the parking garage. I turn back to the bar and Mike, who'd been quitely observing, high fived me and bought us a few rounds of shots.

No more than a couple minutes passed when Houdini comes back in on the scene. Goes straight to Lone Star and starts in again like the previous night, asking her if she was sure she wanted to go home with me. I'd had it at this point, "********** Houdini!, Yes, She's ****ing sure! Didn't we go over this last night? What don't you understand? I told you I'd take care of her and have her on your door step at 9am did I not?" He just stood there, "Yeah, but I just wanted to make sure." And I questioned, "Why? What the **** do you think changed between last night and tonight? Better yet what's changed in the last five minutes?" Now I'm not sure if I'd just bowed up, if he had begun cowering, or both but it felt to me as though I were towering over him at that point. Either way, I think he knew better than to press the issue any further. Again, he began apologizing and telling me how much he respected me. I yelled "No ****! We just had this ****ing conversation too! I don't give a **** if you respect me, I sure as **** don't respect you! Now get the **** out of here!" I could tell that he finally got it as he seemed mad that I told him I didn't respect him. In a huff, he finally said, "Well I'm sorry you feel that way." and once again took off. When I turned back to the bar this time, I noticed that Lone Star was completely oblivious to the latest confrontation, as she and Mike had continued plowing through shots during the entire exchange. That, as it turned out, was a bad idea.

It got to a point that it was time to go. Mainly because Lone Star had completely passed out. So I close out, thank Mike and then toss her over my shoulder with every intention of carrying her back to my hotel. As soon as I tossed her over my shoulder, Mike pointed out that I should probably cover her up a bit as the skirt was not covering much in that position, So he helped me and grabbed her shawl or whatever the thing was and tossed it over her to cover her ass. So I get about two shops down in the Mall area walking towards the casino when I realize that 100lbs of dead weight is a hell of a lot more to carry than piggybacking an active 100lbs, so I put her down to rest, re-position and re-evaluate. About that time one of the maintenance men walks by and sees us. "Man, you need some help?" I tell him thanks, but I think I've got it. Then he asked "Is she ok?" and I'm sure she is, "Oh yeah, she'll be fine, just trying to get her back to the room." He disagreed, "Man, she's ****ed up, you need to take her to the hospital." I just laugh and again tell him, she'd be fine. Luckily he wouldn't let me go about it on my own from there and radioed in security. Now I wasn't sure what to think about that at first, but damned if they didn't show up rollin with a sweet new wheel chair. That turned out to be a god send. So I picked her up and plopped her in the chair. First thing out of the maintenance man's mouth, "Dude, you probably ought to cover her up" So again, I take her shawl and put in in her lap to cover her up. No sooner than I cover her up does she slump over and start to vomit. Somehow she managed to miss her lap, but literally filled up both of her knee high **** me boots, in addition to leaving quite a mess in the middle of the mall area. Not sure what the hell she'd been drinking while I wasn't paying attention, but evidently there was a lot of red involved. I don't know what to do except apologize, even though there was not much I could really do about it. So they begin rolling her towards the casino leaving a trail of cherry red vomit behind her, and I hear the maintenance man in the background get back on his radio "We need BioHazard clean up down by Club Triq!"

So now I'm rollin 3 deep, with 2 security guards and a passed out chick in a wheel chair. First thing they ask is where I'm staying, so I tell them I'm at Paris. One of them hops on thier radio and says they have a delivery of one for Paris. Wasn't really sure what to think about that. Just before we hit the casino floor I hear Lone Stars phone ringing. So I answer it, and it's ****ing Houdini once again. "Hellooooooo" I answer sarcastically. Which gets an instant "Where's Lone Star?" So I tell him, "Dude, she's passed out in a ****ing wheelchair being escorted out by security, but don't worry, I'll have her to your place by 9am." He said "What!?" And I told him the exact same thing and then hung up. Now we find our way to the casino, which of course puts a lot of eyeballs on us as we roll through, but we made it out without incident. Once outside they did an emergency shut down on their escalator type ramps so they could wheel her down safely. If only she'd been awake to see it. I've never had them shut down **** for me in Vegas. Now luckily, Paris is directly across the street from Planet Hollywood. As we roll up to the intersection, I look across the wasy to see two Paris security guards sitting in wait with an empty wheel chair. The delivery of one comment finally made sense, and I was very happy to see how well the casinos worked with each other to take care of thier guests.

Once again I have to pick Lone Star up and move her from one wheel chair to the next. I thank the 2 security guards that escorted us out for thier help, and of course all they can tell me is that I need to cover Lone Star again. So I transfer the shawl onto her lap once again. Now we're in the home stretch, through the Paris Lobby, down the hall, to the elevator and soon enough safely in my bedroom. I pick Lone Star up and carry her to the bed ad lay her down. Both the Paris security guards are women and wish me well with my girlfriend. I explain that she's just a friend and they both look over at her on the bed, give each other at odd look, look back at me and tell me I must be a very good friend. I told them that I liked to think I was, and they took of with the wheel chair in tow.

Once I turned around and got a good look, I realized why I'd been getting all the odd looks and comments. While I knew the dress didn't cover much, I'd just blindly tossed her over my shoulder and went about my buisness from there. What I did not know was that her thong had completely shifted over and I'd been showing off her buisness to everyone. I was too focused on getting her back to notice. So again, I took her shawl and covered her up and began trying to figure out what to do with her. She was dead to the world passed out on my bed, but no way was I going to put her in bed covered in vomit, yet I also had an issue with stripping a drunk chick down and bathing her while completley incapacitated. We were good friends, but no telling what could be misconstrued out of that situation. So I took her phone and called her best friend in Houston. Forgetting altogether it was 4am in Vegas and therefore 6am in Houston, On a saturday no less. Should have known I'd get no answer. So I simply left a message forewarning her best friend that I was going to do what I had to do to clean her up and that hopefully I wouldn't end up labled some sort of perved out roofieing rapist when all was said and done.

Now anyone that says it doesn't matter where you stay in Vegas because you're only going to be sleeping there, can **** the hell off right now. Sometimes you need a big God damned bathtub, and based on the bathroom layout of most other rooms I've stayed all I can say is had I been anywhere else, I'd have been **** out of luck. But here, In addition to a full sized shower, my room also had a big ass garden tub. This comes in uber handy when you have to manuever a full grown body from the bedroom into the tub. So I left her on the bed while I prepped the bathtub for her. Which turned out to have been the wrong sequence of events, because when I went back in, she'd vomited once again in the middle of the bed. Luckily I was able to catch it quick and soak it up before it made it's way through the comforter to the sheets. Then I had to figure out how to remove the **** me boots filled with vomit and how to get her out of a skin tight Versace dress without damaging it. I finally managed to strip her down and get her into the tub. Once she hit the water she finally woke up and at that point she'd pretty much reverted to childhood and was like a child in a kiddie pool, splashing around and making a hell of a mess. She seemed to be enjoying herself for what it was worht, but all I was concerned about was getting the vomit out of her hair and off her legs. The legs worked themselves clean in the tub, while the hair took a little more effort.

After I got her cleaned up and put her down to sleep, I decided that I'd probably ought to stick around an extra day just in case there were any reprecussions to my little disagreement with her boss man. So around 6am I hit the front desk, added another night and called Continental and pushed back to a Sunday flight. I then perused the gift shops that were actually open at that hour to find some clothes for Lone Star the following morning. This was not an easy feat as medium/large was the smallest they had in most cases. But I made due with some medium sweat pants with a draw string. Figured that could be modified to work in a pinch.

Her friend called back around 8am, not having checked the message I left, just returning a missed call. She did not expect me to answer, but got a hell of a kick out of the reason for my call. Luckily she gave me a post event blessing to strip her best friend naked and bathe her. So I felt a little less dirty about it. At that point I tried waking Lone Star since I had promised to have her back by 9am. This proved to be a bigger challenge than I thought. In her drunked sleep she had curled up into a little ball, that for the life of me I could not break open. I tried yellin gat her, bouncing her around, pinching her, prying her apart, holding her nose and mouth closed, but nothing. If it weren't for her pulse, I'd have thought she was dead. Finally I just whispered in her ear, You have to wake up, I promised Houdini I'd have you back by 9, and I'll be damned if she didn't snap to and groggily mutter, "Oh yeah". Now it was time to explain why she was stark ass naked in my bed.

Warned her about the nakedness, so she didn't just hop out of bed, and gave her some new clothes to wear back to Houdinis place. She was up and moving, but not coherent by any means. Managed to get her clothes on and explain to her why she couldn't put her socks and boots on. I had to hand her one of her socks in order for her to get the full effect. She agreed that the $4 flip flops were a better option at that point. Tossed her panties, socks and boots into one of the dry cleaning bags and folded the dress as best I could and took off. Made our way to the elevators and back out to the cab line. She was spent the majority of this time leaned up against me so as not to fall over, and if only I had some sort of reference to describe the hair. It was lovely. I told her the entire story of my confrontation with Houdini on the cab ride back to their room. She was coherent enough at that point to agree I shouldn't go in with her. Managed to make it back to Houdini's room with 3 minutes to spare. Told her that I was sticking around an extra day and to call me if any issues came up, and waited in the hallway to make sure she did in fact make it inside before 9am. Now, my job was done.

In an odd turn of events, I just happened to have a group of girlfriends in Vegas that weekend for a Bachelorette Party. This was a complete surprise, but nice to have someone else there I could share my story with at the time it went down. Mainly because it was so fresh at the time I needed to vent a little. They happened to have had lunch planned at Mon Ami Gabi in Paris, so I took a short nap after dropping Lone Star off and went downstairs to meet with Sassafrass and the bachelorette party for a bite. It wasn't actually Sass's party, but she was there and I figured a special Tine board guest appearance in the storyline would be a welcomed twist at this point. So I told the tale of Catch vs. the evil Magician and got the impression that my disdain for the ***** was well warranted. I made plans to meet them later that night over at Tao, but I guess they didn't understand me when I told them to tell me when they planned to be there, not when they were already there and inside. Knowing that being a single dude I'd be waiting in line forever to get in, and having been to Tao before knowing I'd never ever find them once I did get in, I opted to stay and get obliterated at the craps table when the text arrived, both physically and financially. But had I gone, events would have surely swayed and Sass & Crew wouldn't have any Vegas Tales of the E.R. to share, so it worked out on both ends.

When I finally heard from Lone Star again, she had no recollection of anything. Didn't remember me and the magician getting into it, Didn't rememeber the wheel chair ride, didn't remember me stripping her naked and bathing her, didn't remember waking up at my place, and didn't remember me taking her back to Houdini's in the morning. While I on the other hand remembered everything and thought about all the things I could have/should have, done but didn't. I didn't beat the piss out of the Magician, I didn't take advantage of a hot naked chick passed out in my bed, I didn't make it to Tao to party with the Bachelorette party, I didn't win enough to retire at craps. But still, the one thing I regret most out of the entire experinence is the fact that I had a ****ing camera on me the entire God damned time and was too focused on taking care of her ass to take pics of all the fun stuff. Those priceless moments will most likely never occur again and I'll never forgive myself for not documenting them. Especially the wheel chair ride, that **** was tits!