OK, I think I can knock another out before works over.

3) Aftermath of my Cousin catching his dumb ass on fire.

So, when I was kicked out of A&M my freshman semester I just slid on over to Blinn so I could stick around while trying to get back in. My cousin was a second year senior at the time and in need of a roommate, so it worked out perfect. Moved in with him in some house across the street from campus. To our family, the place was a little dirty ****hole that reeked of rotting wood and mildew, but in reality it was a little dirty ****hole that reeked of stale pot smoke. It was in this dank hole that I was introduced to the beauty of weed.

Anyways, It was a couple months in when I hit the road for a beach weekend. Made my way back late Sunday afternoon. Phone rang and it was one of my cousins girlfriends.
"is Scott there?"
nope.
"How's he doing?"
I don't know, just got in.
"you heard he got burned didn't you"
Really? I got burned pretty bad too.
"No, I mean burned bad."
Yeah, me too. My back is blistered already.

It was right about that time I turned around to see his favorite RUSH concert t-shirt on the floor, arms completely burned off and the back burned up pretty good.

Holy ****! You mean he really got burned!
"yeah, he has been in the hospital, but I thought he was coming home today."
Well ****, I'll let you know when he gets in. I gotta hear about this one.

Obviously word had not gotten to me, and in the age before Cell Phones there was no real way to call around and get all the info.

He finally got home with his parents in tow. He had second and third degree burns on his arms and a few second degree burns on his back.

His mother told me that he had been wearing too much hairspray next to a little fire they had built in the back yard, So I knew I'd have to get him alone to get the real story.

In reality, he and his dumb ass buddies got drunk and stoned and torched a couch. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum both hurdled the flaming couch so of course my cousin had to follow suit. He was not very athletic unfortunately, clipped a flaming cushion and it overturned on him and lit his ass up.

So of course my cousin was in a lot of pain and did not want to stay with his parents because it would hinder his pot smoking ability. It was needed medically at this time, regardless of legality. So he insisted he stay at the dirty ass house with me and go back and forth for treatment.

This at least got the house clean, as his mother came through and cleaned the everliving hell out of it to keep him from getting any infections.

The problem being, that both his arms were 100% bandaged and he could not do a whole lot for himself. So for the remainder of the time I lived with him I had to drive him everywhere, wash his hair in the sink every day and roll all of his joints for him. I mean, I probably would have been rolling the joints anyways, but still, I like to guilt him with that still as well. To this day, I still don't know how he wiped his ass when he **** and hope to God that it's not just one of the memories I blocked out.

The only real positive for him is that due to the excruciating pain he was in and all the therapy he had to go through, he got some leeway in class towards graduation and got a lot of sympathy head.

I only got free weed out of it.

Gonna be on the road to Aggie Toob Trip soon, so this will probably be the last story until Monday.

4) Dead woman found in the parking lot of my Apt.

Semester after I graduated I stuck around A&M taking some additional courses that would apply to the Masters program I applied for, hoping I'd actually get in.
During this time I moved into the Doux Chene Apartments.  Place was pretty ghetto to begin but my roomie was cheap and $400 for a 2 bedroom was in his budget.
 
I was making dinner at our place that night for me and some friends and one of my buddies who had a pretty severe Nintendo 64 addiction had to bring his system over to play while we got everything ready.  The fact that we didn't have cable probably had something to do with that as well.  
 
Anyways, he set it up and promptly began playing James Bond Golden Eye.  I was waiting my turn, but ****er never died.  Meanwhile his dog Zoey, that he also brought along looked like she was ready to go out.  So I told him I was gonna walk her.  He acknowledged with a grunt so we went on our way.
 
As I walked her out to the parking lot some dude over by the dumpster started yelling at me for help.  So we jogged over real quick to see what was up.  What was up was a ragged old woman layed out by the dumpster.  Dude was freaking out.  "Is she dead!?!?!"  Looks like it, did you check for a pulse?  "No, I didn't want to touch her."  I'm a little cautious here thinking it could be some scam they were pulling together and he was just waiting for me to check her vitals and crack me over the head and jack my stuff.  But no, I rolled her over and she was definitely dead.  Still checked for a pulse just to be safe.  Chick was wearing blue jeans that had been unbuttoned and unzipped wide open shirt tucked into her panties and the tell-tale Wal*Mart vest, so we knew exactly where she came from.  Told him to run in and call the police.
 
Obviously at this point I had to stick around.  Cops showed up with an ambulance and a couple fire trucks.  Obviously a slow day in the C.S.  They put yellow tape up all over the place to block off the area, which just brough about a bunch of gawkers.  Spent about two hours out there between the find and sticking around to give the police my statement.  I was a little uncomfortable when they questioned me about her pants being undone, but luckily the other dude was there to confirm.  I mean, if she were a hot dead chick I might have taken a peak at the tits, but I've heard too many stories about voiding bowls to be that curious about the nether regions.  Especially with a washed up old woman from Wal*Mart.  
 
They speculated that she had been walking home from work and had a heart attack.  Unbuttoned her pants in an attemt to relieve the pressure she was feeling, not realizing she was dying.
 
Keep in mind, I'm still out there with my buddies dog.  Right about the time I'd finished up with the police he finally noticed we hadn't come back.  All I heard was his frantic voice at the top of his lungs yelling ZOEY! ZOEY! as he comes running around the corner to find us.  He was so excited to see his dog and said he had begun freaking out when he came out and saw all the commotion because he thought something had happened to Zoey.  I believe my response was something along the lines of "No Dumbass.  I found a dead body by the dumpster.  You really thing they'd bring out all this **** for your damn dog?...Wait a minute,... Did it seriously take you this long to figure out we were still missing??"  He just gave me a goofy smile and laughed.   Evidently it took him longer to beat the level than he thought.
 
Wish I could say I made a great dinner to salvage the remainder of the evening, but the oven blew up when I went to pre-heat so all and all the dead body was the highlight of the day.  
Thank God my roommie worked at Papa Johns.  
 

Cooler iced down with beer, truck gassed up and ready to go, but still waiting on everyone else. Looks like I can squeeze one more in today.

5) Dad's souvenir concrete Astronaut cock.

So I already touched base on the dads porn collection back in the day.  Well, along with that I found a much more disturbing item.  A fake cock fashioned out of what appeared to be concrete.  I recently got the origins storyline. 

Was having dinner with the folks a couple months back and they started asking about my roommate (See story #13 title)  They were just curious if she ever came out with me to hang with TNDC or anything.  

Now no offense to the gays on here, but I went on a little rant about the gays and how open minded they think they are, all the while shutting themselves off from experiencing new things because they generally refuse to go outside the boundaries of the gay community and hang out at normal places.  This is just an observation I've made about my gay friends.  Not all mind you, as I know some that will come hang out in straight town, but the majority.  My roomie being in that majority.

Anyways my Mom made the comment that it might not be safe for her to go to a straight bar being gay with the hate crimes and all.  I tried to explain to her that the gay bashing she sees on the news is not really all that rampant, but she retorted with, "well, ya never know, there are a lot of rednecks out there."  To which I responded, "that doesn't mean ****, she'd still be safe because everyone loves hot lesbians.  Hell, I guarantee every redneck homophobe out there owns some lesbian porn."  My dad then made the mistake of scoffing at this remark.  

Since I had already breached the porn discussion at the dinner table, I figured it was time to call the old man out.  I started listing off every porn video and magazine I'd ever found along with location, making sure to go into detail about the lesbian scenes.  He never denied any of them, but just claimed not to remember and that if anything it was all stuff given to him because of course he would never buy such smut himself.  Mom was just laughing, already knowing some of the things I had found when I was a kid.  Then I bragged about what I considered my greatest discovery.  That being the top drawer of their dresser which my dad had nailed shut.  I had found the nails and pulled them out to discover some Hustler Magazines, a **** ton of handguns, and as I mentioned earlier, a concrete cock painted black with a red tip.  

Dad's response, "Oh you found that drawer?  Then I guess you found the *****."  He then proceeded to explain, mostly stuff I already knew because my mom had already told me.  Took it out to dinner and placed it with the silverware on the table at the restaurants, left it sitting around at parties, tied it to his belt loop and let it hang tip out just below his short line, ya know, normal **** to get a rise out of folks.  But then he told me the origins.  

All these years I had assumed this thing was just some random ***** shaped in cement.  Thought maybe the old man was into some weird art projects back in the day and the cock was a keeper.  But no.  It was an actual mold of one of the Astronauts cock's from back in the 60's.  Evidently they had to make custom condom type fittings for their junk back in the day for bathroom use on missions and made plaster replicas to shape these fittings.  No clue why they had to be erect, but that's just the way the did it.  Evidently my dad just found it laying around the office one day and stole it.  No clue whose cock it actually is, but I am now slightly more disturbed about it now than I have ever been before, yet at the same time am amused to know about this odd bit of trivia on NASA history.  They just don't tell you that sort of **** on the discovery channel.  



[This message has been edited by Catch (edited 8/5/2011 12:11p).]