Sorry that every day is a struggle, I know it all too well. I finally broke down around 5 years ago and finally saw my doctor, it was a rough day, probably the hardest phone call I've ever had to make. When you actually hear your doctor say "you have clinical depression" it's kind of hard to wrap your head around. I picked up a prescription for Bupropion that day, and while it keeps me out of the bottom of the hole I was in mentally, I'm certainly not cured...but definitely better than I was, I can at least make it through the day.
I saw a counselor for a while, but that didn't really do much because talking won't fix my underlying issues. I don't live in Texas anymore, I moved with my wife once we knew we planned on having a family and being near her family made way more sense as the support group would be far better than if we stayed in Texas near mine.
It's basically ruined me mentally living here. I don't have any friends now, I don't mean I don't have many good friends, I mean any friends at all. I work from home, and then on the weekends everything revolves around household errands and kid's activities. To make matters worse, I only get to see my family about 3 times a year, they usually visit twice a year, and then we go down there once. My friends don't visit either, which has thrown gas on my self-loathing to say the least. We've invited people, often, no one, not even the best man at my wedding has come once. He's been to countless Aggie road games and NFL road games, so I definitely feel like the people I was close with, whose weddings I've been in and vice versa, never saw me the same wayall it took was a move to figure that out.
The worst times I have mentally now are the nights where my wife goes out with her friends, because I don't get to do that, ever. I don't want to get into all the places my mind goes during that, because it's the darkest place my head goes to. No one in my life knows the depths of how I truly feel, not my wife, family, anyone. Because I'm medicated I'm at least able to put on a brave enough face every day that no one knows what's going on inside my head.
After listening to the Joe Rogan podcast with Sebastian Junger I know that my problem is I don't feel like I belong to a "tribe" anymore. Human beings are tribal to this day, that circle of people in your life, family, friends, coworkers, etc is your tribe. I was never in the military, but a lot of people who were have issues after they leave the military, they lose their identity, much like I feel I've lost mine.
I apologize if any of this feels like I'm trying to derail your thread about how tough things are for you, truly. I wasn't trying to turn your thread into a pity party for me.
Then, there's my daughter, she's my light in the darkness. I love her so much, she's solely responsible for keeping me grinding every single day of this life. I will keep going through every piece of my own personal hell for her. I never want to leave her, I never want to let her down. Regardless of the personal agony I'm in once I wake up, for her, I'll take it. She's the one blessing I feel like I have, and for her I'm thankful. She's the opposite of me, I think she got the brains from me, but her personality from my wife.
The point I've been working to make is that sometimes there might not be any feeling you have that things will get better, but finding that one single thing to focus your life on can give you a purpose. A purpose to wake up tomorrow, and the next day.
The crazy thing is an image from the Simpsons was burned into my memory long ago, when I was in high school, and it's true for me. I didn't know it would matter so much to me as adult, but it does and I can't sum up where I'm at any better than this picture.
My only advice, keep the fight going through the day, then do it tomorrow, even if it's not for you, someone out there needs you. I'll fight the monsters in my head every day for her.