Also, if you guys are active on social media....I would highly recommend scaling that way back or quitting altogether. Everyone on there constantly gives the illusion that they have it together 100% and live the perfect lives. Even knowing that is BS, it can be tough constantly being exposed to this while you are going through these dark times. It can increase feelings of isolation and depression. If that is not a problem for either of you, then probably no action needed. But if you can relate, it might be best to take a timeout for a while and just focus on yourself and your family...but mostly yourself...as by doing so, you might become an even better husband, father, son and son in law. Just my .02.
Mental health venting thread
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Last: 1 yr ago by Pepper Brooks
Holy crap this! I turned off all social media notifications on my phone and just allow myself an hour on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram on Sundays and it's amazing. I miss Twitter during games and Instagram for checking out what friends are up to, but don't miss Facebook a bit. The damn algorithms on all of them give you incessant notifications that you really don't even care about. The only Sunday I spent more than 20 minutes on all 3 total was last Sunday when Kobe died.
Especially during a heated election year, ditching the social media will do wonders for your brain.
Especially during a heated election year, ditching the social media will do wonders for your brain.
All really solid advice. Fortunately/unfortunately we already practice a whole lot of that stuff. There honestly isn't any area that if I just cut back on or unplug from it will help. I already refuse to watch any news, I stopped listening to talk radio a year ago. I'm heavily involved at our church. We are just in one of those stages where life is going to suck for a while. And once the bleeding stops then it will take some time for the healing to finish and I'll be back where I need/want to be. The only thing I need to do is exercise more. I know that absolutely will help. But when you're scraping yourself off the floor and then have someone in your living room (my workout area) all the time it makes an already unenjoyable task completely miserable. I hate working out but it sucks less knocking out 20 minutes at home before everyone is up or after everyone leaves is tolerable.
In-laws got into a huge fight tonight. And they are being ridiculous about this whole situation. I imagine at some point here soon I will help them work through the math but it isn't my place to do so. I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. Like someone said earlier, we can solve the problem this year but we will be right back here in 5 years if the real issues aren't addressed. And their issues take a far far far back seat if they mean negatively impacting my daughter for much longer.
Everyone is in bed now and I am excited to see what tomorrow holds. Overall it's been a good day. Just a long one.
Thanks everyone. This discussion is healthy for me
In-laws got into a huge fight tonight. And they are being ridiculous about this whole situation. I imagine at some point here soon I will help them work through the math but it isn't my place to do so. I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. Like someone said earlier, we can solve the problem this year but we will be right back here in 5 years if the real issues aren't addressed. And their issues take a far far far back seat if they mean negatively impacting my daughter for much longer.
Everyone is in bed now and I am excited to see what tomorrow holds. Overall it's been a good day. Just a long one.
Thanks everyone. This discussion is healthy for me
This is an outstanding thread. Well done everyone. It would benefit pretty much anyone to read it, so thank you Seven for starting it.
My wife stood up for me last night and told them they need to be gone by Saturday. They are refusing any help or advice we try to give them. No idea where they are going to go or what they are going to do. Should make for a fun week but I'll manage. Hoping to work all day today and have meetings the rest of the week
I am praying for you brother.
Cant imagine all these things piling up at once and dealing with it through mental health struggles.
Your in laws situation is terrifying. To me it sounds like they are really the big straw stirring this terrible drink right now.
I think once they get things together and get out of your house its going to help you a ton.
I dont struggle with mental health but I know when my in laws(who I love dearly) spend even a full day at my house, I start to lose it a little.
Cant imagine all these things piling up at once and dealing with it through mental health struggles.
Your in laws situation is terrifying. To me it sounds like they are really the big straw stirring this terrible drink right now.
I think once they get things together and get out of your house its going to help you a ton.
I dont struggle with mental health but I know when my in laws(who I love dearly) spend even a full day at my house, I start to lose it a little.
I'm happy to hear your wife stood up for you. I'm hoping knowing you have her support will help alleviate some of the deeply negative thoughts you've been having. I'm also happy to see you use words like "good" and "fun" to describe your experiences. Keep up the positivity!
Seven --SO proud of you both...stay resilient.
Sorry that every day is a struggle, I know it all too well. I finally broke down around 5 years ago and finally saw my doctor, it was a rough day, probably the hardest phone call I've ever had to make. When you actually hear your doctor say "you have clinical depression" it's kind of hard to wrap your head around. I picked up a prescription for Bupropion that day, and while it keeps me out of the bottom of the hole I was in mentally, I'm certainly not cured...but definitely better than I was, I can at least make it through the day.
I saw a counselor for a while, but that didn't really do much because talking won't fix my underlying issues. I don't live in Texas anymore, I moved with my wife once we knew we planned on having a family and being near her family made way more sense as the support group would be far better than if we stayed in Texas near mine.
It's basically ruined me mentally living here. I don't have any friends now, I don't mean I don't have many good friends, I mean any friends at all. I work from home, and then on the weekends everything revolves around household errands and kid's activities. To make matters worse, I only get to see my family about 3 times a year, they usually visit twice a year, and then we go down there once. My friends don't visit either, which has thrown gas on my self-loathing to say the least. We've invited people, often, no one, not even the best man at my wedding has come once. He's been to countless Aggie road games and NFL road games, so I definitely feel like the people I was close with, whose weddings I've been in and vice versa, never saw me the same wayall it took was a move to figure that out.
The worst times I have mentally now are the nights where my wife goes out with her friends, because I don't get to do that, ever. I don't want to get into all the places my mind goes during that, because it's the darkest place my head goes to. No one in my life knows the depths of how I truly feel, not my wife, family, anyone. Because I'm medicated I'm at least able to put on a brave enough face every day that no one knows what's going on inside my head.
After listening to the Joe Rogan podcast with Sebastian Junger I know that my problem is I don't feel like I belong to a "tribe" anymore. Human beings are tribal to this day, that circle of people in your life, family, friends, coworkers, etc is your tribe. I was never in the military, but a lot of people who were have issues after they leave the military, they lose their identity, much like I feel I've lost mine.
I apologize if any of this feels like I'm trying to derail your thread about how tough things are for you, truly. I wasn't trying to turn your thread into a pity party for me.
Then, there's my daughter, she's my light in the darkness. I love her so much, she's solely responsible for keeping me grinding every single day of this life. I will keep going through every piece of my own personal hell for her. I never want to leave her, I never want to let her down. Regardless of the personal agony I'm in once I wake up, for her, I'll take it. She's the one blessing I feel like I have, and for her I'm thankful. She's the opposite of me, I think she got the brains from me, but her personality from my wife.
The point I've been working to make is that sometimes there might not be any feeling you have that things will get better, but finding that one single thing to focus your life on can give you a purpose. A purpose to wake up tomorrow, and the next day.
The crazy thing is an image from the Simpsons was burned into my memory long ago, when I was in high school, and it's true for me. I didn't know it would matter so much to me as adult, but it does and I can't sum up where I'm at any better than this picture.
My only advice, keep the fight going through the day, then do it tomorrow, even if it's not for you, someone out there needs you. I'll fight the monsters in my head every day for her.
I saw a counselor for a while, but that didn't really do much because talking won't fix my underlying issues. I don't live in Texas anymore, I moved with my wife once we knew we planned on having a family and being near her family made way more sense as the support group would be far better than if we stayed in Texas near mine.
It's basically ruined me mentally living here. I don't have any friends now, I don't mean I don't have many good friends, I mean any friends at all. I work from home, and then on the weekends everything revolves around household errands and kid's activities. To make matters worse, I only get to see my family about 3 times a year, they usually visit twice a year, and then we go down there once. My friends don't visit either, which has thrown gas on my self-loathing to say the least. We've invited people, often, no one, not even the best man at my wedding has come once. He's been to countless Aggie road games and NFL road games, so I definitely feel like the people I was close with, whose weddings I've been in and vice versa, never saw me the same wayall it took was a move to figure that out.
The worst times I have mentally now are the nights where my wife goes out with her friends, because I don't get to do that, ever. I don't want to get into all the places my mind goes during that, because it's the darkest place my head goes to. No one in my life knows the depths of how I truly feel, not my wife, family, anyone. Because I'm medicated I'm at least able to put on a brave enough face every day that no one knows what's going on inside my head.
After listening to the Joe Rogan podcast with Sebastian Junger I know that my problem is I don't feel like I belong to a "tribe" anymore. Human beings are tribal to this day, that circle of people in your life, family, friends, coworkers, etc is your tribe. I was never in the military, but a lot of people who were have issues after they leave the military, they lose their identity, much like I feel I've lost mine.
I apologize if any of this feels like I'm trying to derail your thread about how tough things are for you, truly. I wasn't trying to turn your thread into a pity party for me.
Then, there's my daughter, she's my light in the darkness. I love her so much, she's solely responsible for keeping me grinding every single day of this life. I will keep going through every piece of my own personal hell for her. I never want to leave her, I never want to let her down. Regardless of the personal agony I'm in once I wake up, for her, I'll take it. She's the one blessing I feel like I have, and for her I'm thankful. She's the opposite of me, I think she got the brains from me, but her personality from my wife.
The point I've been working to make is that sometimes there might not be any feeling you have that things will get better, but finding that one single thing to focus your life on can give you a purpose. A purpose to wake up tomorrow, and the next day.
The crazy thing is an image from the Simpsons was burned into my memory long ago, when I was in high school, and it's true for me. I didn't know it would matter so much to me as adult, but it does and I can't sum up where I'm at any better than this picture.
My only advice, keep the fight going through the day, then do it tomorrow, even if it's not for you, someone out there needs you. I'll fight the monsters in my head every day for her.
Do you have any hobbies or make time for yourself, away from the family/house? If you don't I think that's one of the quickest ways to meet like-minded folks, or at least folks with a similar interest where you might spark a friendship.
When I was going through my divorce I was in a bad place. I felt alone and even though I knew I had the support of my friends, I never really felt like they truly knew me, in that moment, or what I was going through. (most all them were [seemingly] happily married with kids). My therapist suggested time and time again that I lean on my hobbies or find a men's group to find my tribe. I took his advice and leaned in to one hobby and made some new friends and feel like part of "as tribe". I never did take his advice on the men's group but I often wonder what things might have been like if I did. There's still time and maybe I'll do it one day.
As an aside, I know through my divorce my now ex-wife was struggling with solitude as she didn't have a solid battery of friends. I think she used Bumble BFF and had some success. Maybe that's worth a shot.
I'm just rambling at this point, and maybe even using this thread as some therapy for myself, but stay strong, you'll find your way.
When I was going through my divorce I was in a bad place. I felt alone and even though I knew I had the support of my friends, I never really felt like they truly knew me, in that moment, or what I was going through. (most all them were [seemingly] happily married with kids). My therapist suggested time and time again that I lean on my hobbies or find a men's group to find my tribe. I took his advice and leaned in to one hobby and made some new friends and feel like part of "as tribe". I never did take his advice on the men's group but I often wonder what things might have been like if I did. There's still time and maybe I'll do it one day.
As an aside, I know through my divorce my now ex-wife was struggling with solitude as she didn't have a solid battery of friends. I think she used Bumble BFF and had some success. Maybe that's worth a shot.
I'm just rambling at this point, and maybe even using this thread as some therapy for myself, but stay strong, you'll find your way.
pasquale said:
I would suggest just seeing a psychotherapist as someone to generally talk with and communicate not so much for changing meds but just talk. As I've gotten older I've had to change my way of thinking (totally opposite of how I was raised) and have made myself more open and expressive in my feelings.
What he said! Just my two cents, but counseling is a must. I would suggest trying to find someone with a psychology background. I was not always open to therapy myself, but my ex-wife is a psychologist (does not do therapy though). Despite our differences, I learned over time the huge value in being proactive with mental health and the benefits to counseling. When we separated, we went through about 6 months of couples counseling, and I went through about a year and a half of therapy on my own. It made a world of difference in getting through that, and I came out much better on the back end. Medication can of course be beneficial, but that does not really deal with the underlying issues. You may need both, but you really need to find a good therapist that you are comfortable talking to. If money is an issue, many have sliding scales to help.
I'm a huge believer in therapy and feel most in the world would benefit greatly from someone they can talk to from time to time.
HAHAHAHAAHHQuote:
I came home one day after work and my wife completely rearranged the living room. It completely scrambled my brain. I couldn't even talk, I just went and laid down in bed. It's just a stupid couch and I normally handle change well but there has been so so so much that I just shut down.
sorry, i can totally relate to this exact feeling and ineffable ability to put words to said feeling. I'm laughing with you at the discomfort the mind can make you feel.
I feel for you, mental health has been an interesting world for me, for all I know i'm doing okay, but man some days it feels like theres definitely an edge looming in the distance.
Be careful starting your business, i hope you succeed, owning your business is an uphill battle especially when you're mental game is off, but most people who own their own business are already slightly crazy anyways.... channel the negative into the positive where you can. Find the things you're thankful for everyday, and work hard.
I was going to recommend exactly this. If she's somewhat open-minded, maybe even show her the post above, which is brutally honest and unfiltered and was never intended for her eyes. And maybe even marriage counseling. May be a deep reserve of resentment built up as a result of many things...moving away for her...never getting to see your family...never seeing friends, while she routinely sees friends etc etc. That type of stuff would chip away at most men over time til not much was left.SoupNazi2001 said:
You definitely need to tell your wife how you feel.
Got to establish some boundaries imo or either (a) Divorce, or (b) A miserable marriage may be the most likely outcomes. Neither of which is good for the daughter. WHat is good for the daughter is mommy and daddy finding away to love each other just as much as they love her imo.
I've worked from home for a decade and it really can **** with you mentally. The lack of human connection. Even going to the dentist sometimes I come away on a mental high just from having interacted with people.
I'm not depressed at all but just identify with the alienating nature of working remotely. We live in a small town and do lots of kids sports so I usually get social interaction almost daily talking with parents at practices.
Maybe try striking up some conversations at a kids activity or practice. Every bit helps.
I'm not depressed at all but just identify with the alienating nature of working remotely. We live in a small town and do lots of kids sports so I usually get social interaction almost daily talking with parents at practices.
Maybe try striking up some conversations at a kids activity or practice. Every bit helps.
I can read your post and place a pretty educated guess that you are an introvert. I relate because I am too... and my wife and I moved our family away several years ago from our home base in Texas. We've since moved back but are moving away once again in a short amount of time.
My wife is extremely extroverted and her making friends when we moved away and building a base of great friends was quick and easy. For me? Not at all. It took about a year for me to realize that when you move into an area where you know nobody, it almost doesn't matter what your lot in life is: you hold the entire need to meet new people... but people have no need to know you. That sounds harsh... but it is true. Now that's not to say people wouldn't like you if they got to know you, but it means that making friends is really going to be a near 100% effort by you if you are in a new place initially. Acquaintances and friends almost never just happen out of thin air... you have to make some leaps on your side to make that happen. For us introverts, that takes a ton of energy for us. That means sometimes when you do have time without your family, you can't do the comfortable thing for introverts and look for quiet time or whatever. It means you need to figure out ways in those times to participate in the contact sport we call being social with others because when you have a family... there really isn't a cheat code to find extra time beyond what you have already. You need to just take that time and dedicate it to being social with others even when you really don't want to. All of this was a really hard realization for me, but once I figured that out (and sort of the avenue to be social in), I was able to build myself a network I was really happy with.
TLDR: you own cultivating relationships in a new place for yourself. Lack of time is a problem for all adults so, if a support system is what you want, you need to spend spare time on that and not other stuff.
My wife is extremely extroverted and her making friends when we moved away and building a base of great friends was quick and easy. For me? Not at all. It took about a year for me to realize that when you move into an area where you know nobody, it almost doesn't matter what your lot in life is: you hold the entire need to meet new people... but people have no need to know you. That sounds harsh... but it is true. Now that's not to say people wouldn't like you if they got to know you, but it means that making friends is really going to be a near 100% effort by you if you are in a new place initially. Acquaintances and friends almost never just happen out of thin air... you have to make some leaps on your side to make that happen. For us introverts, that takes a ton of energy for us. That means sometimes when you do have time without your family, you can't do the comfortable thing for introverts and look for quiet time or whatever. It means you need to figure out ways in those times to participate in the contact sport we call being social with others because when you have a family... there really isn't a cheat code to find extra time beyond what you have already. You need to just take that time and dedicate it to being social with others even when you really don't want to. All of this was a really hard realization for me, but once I figured that out (and sort of the avenue to be social in), I was able to build myself a network I was really happy with.
TLDR: you own cultivating relationships in a new place for yourself. Lack of time is a problem for all adults so, if a support system is what you want, you need to spend spare time on that and not other stuff.
MIL somehow managed to get her old job back in Fort Worth and tentatively is moving Monday the 17th. They are going to be house searching this weekend so we will get a small break from them. It's kinda relieving but we've been down this road twice before since they've moved here so until I see tail lights on a van I won't get my hopes up.
Had a good meeting this morning and a rough afternoon but not a bad afternoon, nothing worked right but no biggie. Got home and my AC isn't cooling so that's always fun. Hopefully just some Freon but I've been expecting it to go out any day now for 5 years. Luckily it is going to be cool the next few days
Had a good meeting this morning and a rough afternoon but not a bad afternoon, nothing worked right but no biggie. Got home and my AC isn't cooling so that's always fun. Hopefully just some Freon but I've been expecting it to go out any day now for 5 years. Luckily it is going to be cool the next few days
I have more long-term worry for the people who have pretty good lives on paper, yet are still miserable. You seem to have every reason to be frustrated at the moment, but these seem like circumstances that will eventually be resolved. You're going to get another job and your wife's parents are going to move out. Your stability and sanctuary should be back at that point.
enjoy your weekend without the in laws! still praying for you man
Thanks. Been a fairly decent week so far. Especially getting the news of their plans. Hopefully it works out. Told my daughter what the plan was today so hopefully she will help encourage them to stick to schedule. My sister is coming in town today for a few days with my nieces so I'm looking forward to that. Really hope my Saturday panic attacks stay away for the weekend since I'll have more space and something fun to do. Going out of town for a night with my wife on Thursday next week and we had a dinner date last night.
5 days now without suicidal thoughts first thing in the morning. Think I had a one or two passing ones on Monday or Tuesday.
Decided to play a prank on my father in law and I ordered a Trump 2020 license plate frame to put on his car this weekend while they are gone. Also need to sign my parents up for Bernie texts. Rejoice in the little things. Thanks guys, one day at a time
5 days now without suicidal thoughts first thing in the morning. Think I had a one or two passing ones on Monday or Tuesday.
Decided to play a prank on my father in law and I ordered a Trump 2020 license plate frame to put on his car this weekend while they are gone. Also need to sign my parents up for Bernie texts. Rejoice in the little things. Thanks guys, one day at a time
Seven - It's so encouraging to read that you're stringing together multiple good days. Your positive outlook definitely makes my day better 
Selfishly, I hope you keep updating the group on how you're doing. I'm sure there's some science to the benefits of writing out your thoughts, but sharing it with a group of Ags who truly want the best for you is awesome to witness.
Still praying for ya!
Selfishly, I hope you keep updating the group on how you're doing. I'm sure there's some science to the benefits of writing out your thoughts, but sharing it with a group of Ags who truly want the best for you is awesome to witness.
Still praying for ya!
Seven, glad to hear you are doing better and your in laws are slowly moving out. For your father in law, is there a place he can go during the day to volunteer? I know they are short on cash, but getting him out of the house and giving him some autonomy can save a lot of ailments that spill over.
Last night at bible study I had some great advice I think all men could benefit from, especially those who have dependents and mortgages. Your value isn't derived from whatever you finish on your list that day. You aren't measured by the money you make, the car you drive, or things you can check off your to do immediately. Its about your heart and your relationship with Jesus. This world will pass and the only thing that matters it the relationships we had here and the love we shared to all in the meantime.
I will pray for you, your family, and your in laws. Your FIL certainly has to be struggling with the realization that he hasn't fulfilled his career's role as a provider. Getting him off the couch, reading the bible, working out, eating healthy, on a schedule, and volunteering will do wonders for him, your MIL, your wife and you. Does your church have an older men's bible study or a support group? Could you FIL volunteer at a high school/community college to share his knowledge?
Last night at bible study I had some great advice I think all men could benefit from, especially those who have dependents and mortgages. Your value isn't derived from whatever you finish on your list that day. You aren't measured by the money you make, the car you drive, or things you can check off your to do immediately. Its about your heart and your relationship with Jesus. This world will pass and the only thing that matters it the relationships we had here and the love we shared to all in the meantime.
I will pray for you, your family, and your in laws. Your FIL certainly has to be struggling with the realization that he hasn't fulfilled his career's role as a provider. Getting him off the couch, reading the bible, working out, eating healthy, on a schedule, and volunteering will do wonders for him, your MIL, your wife and you. Does your church have an older men's bible study or a support group? Could you FIL volunteer at a high school/community college to share his knowledge?
We've tried and tried to get him involved at church. He's 66 and refuses to change. He would go to church every now and then but rarely goes at all and has no interest in it. Doubt he can volunteer any, he can't even stand up long enough to take a shower. His health is pretty bad and he refuses to change his habits to improve his physical health either. Pretty sad
I told my wife how I've been feeling recently, and it went poorly to say the least. She was going to go out with her friends, about 90 seconds after she left she comes back in crying. Says she can't go out and have fun knowing I'm at home miserable. I try to tell her she was missing the point, I want her to have a life and do what she wants, I wasn't trying to get her to stay home or feel bad, I thought I'm supposed to share these things with her. She gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the night, I've been so upset I didn't eat anything and I've basically been nauseous. I can't win, if I keep my feelings in I feel like ****, if I tell my wife, she makes me feel like ***** Why can't I have one good day? Sometimes I just want to fall asleep and not wake up, ****!
Hey Max - Sorry for the long night and recent rut you've been in. Sounds like one thing y'all need to work through together is how to start building relationships with other couples. That way one person isn't sitting at home while the other is out. Is that a possibility?
Been trying to get her to talk to me all morning, nothing. She knows I have good times and bad times, we've been together over a decade. I'm regretting opening my mouth even though just to tell her I have been down. I'm worried for my marriage. Any time she feels there's some sort of conflict she just won't talk to me. I just want her to talk to me so we can try and move forward and I can get out of the bottom of this place I'm in.
You shouldn't regret telling her how you've been struggling. If anything, more of us should probably open up to our spouses. Good for you on being brave because I'm sure it wasn't easy.
Without knowing the details of the conversation, her not talking to you sounds a bit odd, but then again, some people need time to process conversations like that. Especially if y'all have been married for 10+ years.
Without knowing the details of the conversation, her not talking to you sounds a bit odd, but then again, some people need time to process conversations like that. Especially if y'all have been married for 10+ years.
Just went through the same stuff this morning. My wife and I got into an argument while slightly sleep deprived dealing with a sick kid. I told her about half of the stuff that I've been deal with and how if I'm anything less than totally chipper and happy then daddy is mad and in a bad mood. Well then she starts freaking out, understandably, and then takes all the guns and ammo out of the house and gives them to one of my friends. She has had some mental health training, enough to know when someone needs help but not enough to separate normal depression issues and emergency situations.
I'm not mad at her, I'm glad she loves me that much. But its another thing I have to deal with now. I want her to be happy and as soon as I let my guard down a bit then it shatters her world. Life is more simple when I keep my mouth shut sometimes.
Hang in there max. Sorry you're going through a rough time. Y'all might benefit from some counseling.
I'm not mad at her, I'm glad she loves me that much. But its another thing I have to deal with now. I want her to be happy and as soon as I let my guard down a bit then it shatters her world. Life is more simple when I keep my mouth shut sometimes.
Hang in there max. Sorry you're going through a rough time. Y'all might benefit from some counseling.
If you guys are taking encouragement from all the responses and support on this thread, keep in mind there are probably 10 times more people reading this and nodding in agreement and thinking they've been there also and directing some positive vibes your way.
I appreciate y'all letting me sound off, it feels like my only release valve at the moment. The positive responses are much appreciated.
Had a family get together last night, and she seemed like she was warming up, but the second we got in the car to go home it was like she flipped a switch, was cold and silent. It just feels like she's trying to flush it away, cover it up. She knows I struggle from time to time, I don't know why this time is impacting her more. I know a part of her blames herself for my isolation, even though I've never blamed her, not once, not out loud or to myself. It's not her fault I have no social life, I don't want to move back to Texas, I would never take my kid away from where she's growing up. I'm just trying to tread lightly right now as I have no idea what direction this ship is headed.
If she wanted to go to couples counseling or therapy I'd go, but I don't think she would. She's not as open emotionally as I am, she's much more repressed. She went to see a therapist I think once after the birth of our daughter when she was dealing with some postpartum issues. She wouldn't call one, I had to find one and setup an appointment for her because I was worried about her. When things are going okay maybe it's just easier for her to hide from things, when I'm on shaky ground and let it be known, she takes it personally.
She's thanked me before for me working on my issues, she seems to only show appreciation when she talks to someone about me. I don't know if she talks to her friends or her family, I have no idea. It just feels like she'd rather I be silent about the times I'm feeling down, but I don't have anyone else to tell or talk to, it's just her. And her reaction generally makes me fee worse. When I was close to my breaking point and I finally talked to my doctor and was diagnosed with clinical depression it felt like she was more mad at me than concerned. I know she loves me, and I love her, I just wish we could have a two way conversation about when I'm feeling down. The medication isn't a cure, it just keeps me out of the worst parts of the pit of depression. The worst part of this is that when I'm at my worst, I don't fee like she's an ally, I just feel like I'm an inconvenience.
Had a family get together last night, and she seemed like she was warming up, but the second we got in the car to go home it was like she flipped a switch, was cold and silent. It just feels like she's trying to flush it away, cover it up. She knows I struggle from time to time, I don't know why this time is impacting her more. I know a part of her blames herself for my isolation, even though I've never blamed her, not once, not out loud or to myself. It's not her fault I have no social life, I don't want to move back to Texas, I would never take my kid away from where she's growing up. I'm just trying to tread lightly right now as I have no idea what direction this ship is headed.
If she wanted to go to couples counseling or therapy I'd go, but I don't think she would. She's not as open emotionally as I am, she's much more repressed. She went to see a therapist I think once after the birth of our daughter when she was dealing with some postpartum issues. She wouldn't call one, I had to find one and setup an appointment for her because I was worried about her. When things are going okay maybe it's just easier for her to hide from things, when I'm on shaky ground and let it be known, she takes it personally.
She's thanked me before for me working on my issues, she seems to only show appreciation when she talks to someone about me. I don't know if she talks to her friends or her family, I have no idea. It just feels like she'd rather I be silent about the times I'm feeling down, but I don't have anyone else to tell or talk to, it's just her. And her reaction generally makes me fee worse. When I was close to my breaking point and I finally talked to my doctor and was diagnosed with clinical depression it felt like she was more mad at me than concerned. I know she loves me, and I love her, I just wish we could have a two way conversation about when I'm feeling down. The medication isn't a cure, it just keeps me out of the worst parts of the pit of depression. The worst part of this is that when I'm at my worst, I don't fee like she's an ally, I just feel like I'm an inconvenience.
I would like to add a story, for what it's worth.
When I was a teenager and my mother was in her 30s, my grandfather committed suicide by shotgun. He left her a note that I have never read, but nothing in that note gave her any peace at all. She has never really recovered from that. In a small way I haven't either.
Taking note of your children as a bright shining light in the darkness, sounds absolutely like the right path to stay out of the darkness. Focus on that light, regardless of what age they are, because that light is certainly relying upon you.
I have talked myself out of several bad ideas, just because of how much I love my kids. Everything can fall into place after that.
When I was a teenager and my mother was in her 30s, my grandfather committed suicide by shotgun. He left her a note that I have never read, but nothing in that note gave her any peace at all. She has never really recovered from that. In a small way I haven't either.
Taking note of your children as a bright shining light in the darkness, sounds absolutely like the right path to stay out of the darkness. Focus on that light, regardless of what age they are, because that light is certainly relying upon you.
I have talked myself out of several bad ideas, just because of how much I love my kids. Everything can fall into place after that.
Outside of holding them to their deadline my in-laws situation is not improving but my sympathy for them is gone as their problems are entirely self inflicted. The issue is that it is emotionally draining my wife and my mother in law is crying all day because they are going to be homeless in a week. As far as me, I'm continuing to have good days and i think it's been since Saturday before last since I've had any dark thoughts. We have some good stuff planned for this week but we may have to cancel because of illness but hopefully not as I've been looking forward to it.
Max I've been thinking about your situation especially with your wife. Do you think it's possible she feels guilty for moving y'all and thus causing your issues which is why she is shutting down? Or maybe she feels that you expect her to be the source of your happiness? Or that you blame her for your depression? If she feels that then maybe that could explain her distancing herself, which I'm sure is only making it worse on you and her. Do any of her friends have a husband that you have anything at all in common with? Even if that commonality is that y'all both like beer, it could be something and could be healthy for you
Max I've been thinking about your situation especially with your wife. Do you think it's possible she feels guilty for moving y'all and thus causing your issues which is why she is shutting down? Or maybe she feels that you expect her to be the source of your happiness? Or that you blame her for your depression? If she feels that then maybe that could explain her distancing herself, which I'm sure is only making it worse on you and her. Do any of her friends have a husband that you have anything at all in common with? Even if that commonality is that y'all both like beer, it could be something and could be healthy for you
Things seem to be normalizing, purely by her I guess just repressing stuff, it's weird. It feels like I'm married to a woman from the 50s that just locks away her emotions from me.
I truly don't know the way my wife feels about a lot of this. We moved here at my suggestion, when it came time to decide where was the better place to raise a family it was a no contest, we would have a better support system here for a kid, period. I don't know that either of us thought about me, she was happy to get back here, but I honestly think my well being never played into this situation. I've certainly suffered for it, but this move wasn't about me.
I've learned to be open about my feelings, her not so much One wrinkle in this might be the fact that I wasn't diagnosed with depression until we lived here for a few years. But given my answers to the questions the doctor asked I figured out I've probably been depressed since high school, it blew my mind when I figured it out, put a lot of my past into perspective. Makes me wish I would have sought help earlier, it definitely hurt my grades in college going through some dark times where I couldn't pry myself out of bed to go to class, and I didn't know why. The diagnosis was a truly profound moment for me, it was like the past 20 years could have been so much better, I feel like I missed a lot of the best times in life due to what's been in my head and it makes me sad that the me from today can't help the old me.
I think it's definitely possible that she blames herself for a lot of why I'm unhappy. I literally don't have a relationship with my dad anymore since moving here... but we don't need to get into that though.
I've met her friends husbands and we're not a match shall we say. I think the biggest thing is people in the Midwest are not like Texans/southerners. People here in this state literally don't have an accent, or even a food identity. Growing up in east Texas I definitely feel a kinship with Texans and Louisiana people, you just feel it. People here don't say y'all, it sounds like a small thing but I notice, people here are nice, but not the same. If you travel much around the country, you notice it, I miss Texans, they're the best. I need to get out there and find some, but in a midwestern suburb it's hard. People here don't know how to bbq right, make Tex-mex, or gumbo...if I want those it's on me. I know if I want a change it's on me, but it's difficult.
I'm not sure what's worse, me being here alone with my thoughts, or an intrusive presence in your home like you've dealt with. If there were people living in my house, even if it's family, impacting my sanity I don't know how I could deal with it. When you're sanctuary is gone I could see how difficult that would make your mental health on a daily basis. But once they're gone it sounds like they will be a hurdle. My parents saved and are responsible, my wife's family keeps it a secret she has no idea if they have money or not, they aren't open about those things like my family. Only advice I have to offer is what I do, try to make it through the day, then do it again tomorrow.
I truly don't know the way my wife feels about a lot of this. We moved here at my suggestion, when it came time to decide where was the better place to raise a family it was a no contest, we would have a better support system here for a kid, period. I don't know that either of us thought about me, she was happy to get back here, but I honestly think my well being never played into this situation. I've certainly suffered for it, but this move wasn't about me.
I've learned to be open about my feelings, her not so much One wrinkle in this might be the fact that I wasn't diagnosed with depression until we lived here for a few years. But given my answers to the questions the doctor asked I figured out I've probably been depressed since high school, it blew my mind when I figured it out, put a lot of my past into perspective. Makes me wish I would have sought help earlier, it definitely hurt my grades in college going through some dark times where I couldn't pry myself out of bed to go to class, and I didn't know why. The diagnosis was a truly profound moment for me, it was like the past 20 years could have been so much better, I feel like I missed a lot of the best times in life due to what's been in my head and it makes me sad that the me from today can't help the old me.
I think it's definitely possible that she blames herself for a lot of why I'm unhappy. I literally don't have a relationship with my dad anymore since moving here... but we don't need to get into that though.
I've met her friends husbands and we're not a match shall we say. I think the biggest thing is people in the Midwest are not like Texans/southerners. People here in this state literally don't have an accent, or even a food identity. Growing up in east Texas I definitely feel a kinship with Texans and Louisiana people, you just feel it. People here don't say y'all, it sounds like a small thing but I notice, people here are nice, but not the same. If you travel much around the country, you notice it, I miss Texans, they're the best. I need to get out there and find some, but in a midwestern suburb it's hard. People here don't know how to bbq right, make Tex-mex, or gumbo...if I want those it's on me. I know if I want a change it's on me, but it's difficult.
I'm not sure what's worse, me being here alone with my thoughts, or an intrusive presence in your home like you've dealt with. If there were people living in my house, even if it's family, impacting my sanity I don't know how I could deal with it. When you're sanctuary is gone I could see how difficult that would make your mental health on a daily basis. But once they're gone it sounds like they will be a hurdle. My parents saved and are responsible, my wife's family keeps it a secret she has no idea if they have money or not, they aren't open about those things like my family. Only advice I have to offer is what I do, try to make it through the day, then do it again tomorrow.
Where do you live? I'm in Minnesota and yeah they don't have accents and don't know decent BBQ or Tex Mex if it hit them in the face, but many of them are more true outdoorsman than many I grew up around in Texas. Look for just one common thing.
Have you considered joining a crossfit gym (all joking aside) or attending a boot camp of some sort? Something that will be proactive for your health but will also give you the opportunity to meet some people? Rec league basketball, softball, running club, etc. Maybe a couple's small group or men's bible study at church? Just throwing out ideas.