What about a local Aggie former students club?

Boats and Hose said:

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Have you considered joining a crossfit gym (all joking aside) or attending a boot camp of some sort? Something that will be proactive for your health but will also give you the opportunity to meet some people? Rec league basketball, softball, running club, etc. Maybe a couple's small group or men's bible study at church? Just throwing out ideas.

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This. After moving to Nevada from Texas about 6 years ago, almost all of my friends were found from the local running community. Then through those connections I was able to meet other folks who are hunters, fishermen, dirt bike riders, hikers, etc. Joining a Crossfit gym or a local running club seems like a pretty healthy option.

I wasn't going to reply to this thread, but gosh - after reading all of these posts I just felt compelled to share.

Moving is so very hard. I moved to TX from AL - where I had a support system but a really awful job - 10 years ago. Lived in College Station (where I knew absolutely no one) for almost 3 years before moving to Houston. I've been here almost 7 years and still feel like I don't quite fit in.

I also get very moody this time of year. Today is the 10th anniversary of a shooting at the university in AL where I worked before moving to TX. I, thankfully, was not in the room, but I knew everyone involved. I am to a point where I don't think about it every day, but it's like my body remembers this time of year, even if I'm not actively thinking about it.

I don't really know what else to add, except feeling alone is so hard. I'm not married, but I often think feeling alone in a marriage would be worse than feeling alone single.

I started counseling last year and go a couple of times a month. Because of other family issues, I also go to ACA meetings.

I feel like I "know" a lot of people, but they aren't what I would call friends. And I've had to let a few (unhealthy) relationships go in the last year. Anyone that tells you making new friends at this stage of life is easy has probably never had to actually do it.

My support system (ACA and counseling) keeps telling me to just keep putting myself out there. It's so hard, and sometimes I do just stay home. But when I do have the motivation and energy, I do get out. Even if it's it's to do something solo (I went to a champagne tasting by myself a couple of months ago, and I'm going to a group cooking class and a concert by myself next month).

I've also started doing some daily meditation readings - one ACA-related and one about gratitude. I have a son, and he is no doubt what keeps me going. He has from day 1. As hard as it can be, focusing on the positive things - no matter how small - can make a huge difference.

The local A&M club meets rarely, only on game days and Muster, and it's in the city, which is 45 minutes away without traffic...haven't met up with them since we had our daughter. Don't have time to give basically a half day to watch a game. I don't get to watch a whole game when I'm at home, most I ever get to see is a half and that's on a good day.

I started going to a group fitness gym last year, not exactly CrossFit, but similar. I would have done CrossFit but their class times didn't work for me. It's good to work out with others, but the people there don't really have a collective social circle, it's good to be around people 4 nights a week. I'm hoping to get into an adult soccer league this spring, but it's all a matter of schedule. I work pretty crazy hours most of the year, I just don't know currently if there's one I can make work, but I'm looking into it.

Once again, I appreciate the encouragement, it's good to get some of this junk out of my system.

I would feel closer with my wife if she would just talk to me. We're married and we're supposed to be there for each other in good times and bad. Another day since Saturday and it feels like she's just pretending nothing happened. I'm pretty good about being able to break the tension with humor, I've been able to do that since I was a kid, it's just a coping mechanism I was able to develop. I've always been able to make other people laugh, even when I'm not doing well.

When we left the house to go to the family get together this weekend ironically Down in a Hole was on the radio, I almost made a crack about that, but it definitely wasn't the time, she might have punched me.

TXTransplant said:

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I wasn't going to reply to this thread, but gosh - after reading all of these posts I just felt compelled to share.

Moving is so very hard. I moved to TX from AL - where I had a support system but a really awful job - 10 years ago. Lived in College Station (where I knew absolutely no one) for almost 3 years before moving to Houston. I've been here almost 7 years and still feel like I don't quite fit in.

I also get very moody this time of year. Today is the 10th anniversary of a shooting at the university in AL where I worked before moving to TX. I, thankfully, was not in the room, but I knew everyone involved. I am to a point where I don't think about it every day, but it's like my body remembers this time of year, even if I'm not actively thinking about it.

I don't really know what else to add, except feeling alone is so hard. I'm not married, but I often think feeling alone in a marriage would be worse than feeling alone single.

I started counseling last year and go a couple of times a month. Because of other family issues, I also go to ACA meetings.

I feel like I "know" a lot of people, but they aren't what I would call friends. And I've had to let a few (unhealthy) relationships go in the last year. Anyone that tells you making new friends at this stage of life is easy has probably never had to actually do it.

My support system (ACA and counseling) keeps telling me to just keep putting myself out there. It's so hard, and sometimes I do just stay home. But when I do have the motivation and energy, I do get out. Even if it's it's to do something solo (I went to a champagne tasting by myself a couple of months ago, and I'm going to a group cooking class and a concert by myself next month).

I've also started doing some daily meditation readings - one ACA-related and one about gratitude. I have a son, and he is no doubt what keeps me going. He has from day 1. As hard as it can be, focusing on the positive things - no matter how small - can make a huge difference.

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Tx, I encourage you to keep making progress with counseling and ACA meetings. That's awesome! The church I go to, Bayou City Fellowship, does Community Groups that meet weekly at homes during the school year. They're really laid back, meant to be an opportunity to connect with people in your area and there's like a 30 minute small bible study at the end. The Bible study is really a small part as it's geared towards getting people to meet and form a community. My wife and I love it and it was easy for us to get plugged in and make meaningful relationships. If you'd like to join us I'm happy to share our meeting times in a PM and the house address. The community group has childcare at the house whenever we meet. Side note, wife and I just had a baby so it'll be a while before we're back consistently.

Thank you - that's very thoughtful and kind. ACA has been a game-changer for me, and hard as it is, I don't think I will ever stop going. It's going to have to be a life-long commitment.

I actually live in The Woodlands, which some people might actually consider South Dallas rather than Houston. Honestly, living here has made connecting with people that much harder, I think.

My son is 15 and very independent. But I know that's part of the challenges I'm facing now and in the coming years - empty nest syndrome. It's hard for me to wrap my head around what my life is going to look like once he's out of the house.

Honestly, the hardest part about moving and changing jobs and trying to build new relationships is it begins to feel like a constant revolving door of people. It's hard to ever move past the superficial.

Sorry to hear this, you're in a tough spot, I certainly can sympathize. Perhaps you post on this board all the time under another name and no one knows your pain. No one knows who I am, so I don't have to worry about that part.

Lack of physical intimacy is a bad sign, could be a result of any number of factors. Luckily my wife and I are still intimate, though I have no idea if it's enough for her. As I'm kind of on an island here I have no idea if my wife has ever cheated on me. It's not like I'd find out from her friends, or have friends of my own to warn me about anything I need to know. Sometimes I wonder if I should get on her phone, but I don't want to be that guy. And what if I find something there that I can't come back from?

I definitely don't feel like we're on equal ground, as my posts on this thread indicate. She's surrounded by her family and friends. If for some reason our marriage didn't work out, she's in a much better position to rebound. I on the other hand would be in an entirely different world of hurt. I've never cheated, flirted, held hands or been anything but a faithful husband. With all I've given up for the sake of this marriage, infidelity would be unforgivable for me.

I get what you mean when you say you feel miles apart, even in the same room. The kids complicate things too, because your mind won't let you act on pure emotion, if you're anything like me the overwhelming sense of responsibility will not allow you to jeopardize their lives, even if they aren't your biological kids. It can be a blessing and a curse at the same time, a blessing to have something to live for, a curse for what you are willing to put yourself through.

You probably also worry about whether or not your wife wants to put in the effort to get to a better place. You obviously do, even posting on a message board is something. As others have said on this thread, couples therapy would be a place to start. The risk of hearing that she doesn't think things are repairable is almost too much to ask the question, if the worst case scenario is losing what little you have left, even when the potential for things to improve is there. Like last Saturday I told her I was in a tough spot, right before she left to go out with her friends, I couldn't keep it in, I was hurting, I just needed to say it. I didn't want her to not go have fun and resent me, I wanted to go back in time and take it back. She probably thinks I was passive-aggressively trying to sandbag her fun, though it's not true. I'm jealous that she has a social life, but not the kind of person who thinks she shouldn't have one just because of my position...I don't think that highly of myself to harbor those kinds of intentions.

I'm happy to hear you were strong enough to not stray, it means you still think there's something there to fight for, you haven't given up, regardless of how dire things may feel at time. You say you have nothing, if you truly felt that way you probably would have either cheated or filed paperwork to leave.

In terms of what to do now, I'm of little help. I wish there was a magical third party out there to help people remedy these situations. I don't want my marriage to fail, I want to be a good husband and father, I just hate feeling so alone in this battle with myself. Just talking about stuff I have inside on this thread helps.

It sounds like your marriage specifically needs some help. I'm not sure when the last time you did something just the two of you was, but it's something to consider. My wife and I on occasion will have a stay-cation or go downtown, eat a nice meal, get a hotel room, no kid. We take small weekend trips just the two of us. Maybe there's a place she's always wanted to go, try to get the two you there, no kids, see what happens. You might be surprised what getting dressed up and having a nice meal away from the kids can do for you two.

Just some food for thought - I'm not married, but I am mom to a kid whose parents are separated.

1) No one should have to suffer in an unhappy or emotionally abusive marriage just for the sake of the kids.

2) Dysfunction is generational. I've come to believe that it's better for my son to have parents who are separated but respect each other than it is to have parents who live together in misery. If children only experience a dysfunctional/loveless/emotionally abusive marriage, that's what they are going to think their relationships/marriage should look like.

I may not be able to give my son the example of a happy marriage, but at least he's not going to grow up thinking a dysfunctional marriage is normal or to be expected.

Kids know when their parents are unhappy and/or don't love and respect each other. Staying in a bad marriage is never really about the kids, it's about the parents' own fears and insecurities that they just aren't ready to face.

Seven - I can relate to you. I am sorry all of this is going on. Thank you for being open and sharing because it is helping me deal with my life right now.

I moved my wife and I to Florida so that I could start Grad school to pursue medicine. It has been nothing but stress and a grind. Pack it onto 10 years of a complete S show of family problems that I have swept under the rug while pursuing this "dream" (Absolute **** show). The stress and anxiety of all of that compounded with having to excel in this program finally caught up to me.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 2 weeks ago, prescribed an SSRI, and had to take medical leave from the program before I failed out. Started counseling to start processing my past and present. I also found a mass in myself back in the summer I never went in to have checked out because the program was too demanding, so I have an ultrasound coming up for that. I might be the next Lance Armstrong.

I feel like I can't finish this thing because medicine is a whole other monster than being Dr. Dreamy. It's not what I thought it would be and I am afraid of killing a patient/being sued by them for any and everything under the sun. I left the business world and willed my way into this thing for all of the wrong reasons and it caught up to me. Everyone pushed me to do it and I didn't want to let anyone down. I'm not sure what to do right now. I wake up and want to disappear. I put us in a terrible situation (I feared this from the start and didn't listen to the feeling) and am afraid that I could make it worse if I stay in the program and fail out with even more loans. Regardless of my decision, I have dragged my wife through hell and that alone makes me want to puke daily. Top it off with all of this medical stuff and I feel like my life is in a spiral.

I feel like Job right now.

Job 3:25-26
25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil."

I am trying to find assurance that everything will be okay, but it is hard to see through this storm. I read verses like this in Isaiah and some days it is hard to actually believe it. Is God letting me feel the weight of my scheming? Maybe so, but I don't know. I know He is good, but doubt creeps in especially in seasons like this. I am confused, feel like I was given/played a bad card.

Isaiah 41:10
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Hang in there my friend. Know that there are others (Me) in the storm with you and we have to rely on each other (strangers, friends, family, counselors, pastors, medication) to get out. I am having to learn that I can't white knuckle everything in life and trust even when we don't see a way out.

It takes time to find the right medicine and the right dosage and it take time for them to really be effective. I have been on 4 and finally think I got it nailed down but may go up on the dose at some point. I started out on Zoloft and it worked really well but the side effects were unbearable. I would sweat through two thick beach towels every night. Then I got off it and did ok for a bit. Then got on lexapro for about a week and hated it then switched to Paxil. Paxil worked really well on my anxiety but it irritated my nose to the point that my wife couldn't sleep with me because of the snoring, I gained 35 pounds, and I couldn't climax during sex to save my life. Then got on Celexa and the first week was similar to lexapro but it got better, few months now and virtually no side effects and it's effective on my issues. Probably should've stayed on lexapro for longer as it's a cousin to celexa but I'm really happy with this one. Then once you can tell it working and the side effects diminish it takes 4-6 weeks to see full benefits. So stick with it. Lots of folks, professional folks are perfectly capable of working high functioning high stress jobs while on anti depressants, it just takes some time.

Now is it worth it for your career? Only you can decide that. If you are close to being finished then I'd encourage you to stick it out unless you just can't stomach the idea of doing what it is you will be doing.

Hang in there. Do what you can, control what you can control and take it one day and one hour at a time

Have had another good week so far. Nothing happening with work this week but my in-laws are sticking to their plan and they found a place to live. Kids have all been sick and wife and I are fighting stuff off so that causes the walls to close in some. But we left the kids at home and went to a concert out of town tonight and have had a really good time. Had to shake thoughts out of my head once around 3:30 am when my son woke up and I had a hard time going back to sleep and I had had a couple drinks. That combo isn't the healthiest I know. But the thoughts were very short lived (seconds) and I was able to think about more pleasant things and get back to sleep. Seems like early morning could be more of a trigger. But think as long as I know what sets them off and either manage around it or know what to expect then it isn't a big deal. The end is in sight

Sorry to hear all that. Any idea why the in-laws shut you out? Doesn't make sense for them to separate you from your wife especially since you're unemployed

Casual observation here. Stop drinking. It is a drug and acts as a depressant. My guess if that one step will greatly improve your attitude and internal thoughts.

Sorry to hear that man. Praying for you right now before I go to sleep.

As well as for Seven and Max Power.

I'll echo the thoughts of staying away from alcohol when you're not in a great head space. Alcohol has always just amplified what I'm feeling, if I'm happy, it makes me happier, if I'm sad, it makes me sadder. Since being on Bupropion for the past several years I basically don't drink at all anymore. It just doesn't mix well, I can have a couple of beers, but if I overdo it, even a little, I feel like garbage for the entire next day.

One piece of advice I can put out there is anyone that feels like they're painted into a corner they don't know how to get out of emotionally is to try and do something for someone else. One good thing my counselor told me as I don't put myself first in many things was that there's a way to use that mindset for your own benefit, help someone else. If you can find some way to volunteer your time for the benefit of others, it can be largely beneficial for yourself.

Curious if your in-laws made it out of the house. Hope it went off without a hitch.

Help_needed: If your wife isn't interested in going to counseling with you, then you need to have a deep-seated intervention with her ASAP. As in tonight, tomorrow, or before the weekend.

You'll need to be bold and direct, but also vulnerable and not overly-emotional. Open up to her about your feelings, but understand the conversation needs to be focused on what's keeping her from connecting with you. Maybe she thinks you are in fact, having an affair? You won't know unless you truly sit down with her and talk through this.

I agree with this. Helpful_ag the only way to a healthy marriage is through communication even if painful. Your spouse absolutely needs to talk with you at some level. When they don't want to have a fight with you then that is a major red flag. By the time most people think "my marriage needs help" it is generally too late

Help_needed said:

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So I have decided to go to counseling. I have to. Things don't seem to be getting any better and my wife doesn't think there is a problem.

One thing I have done is shut off social media. I think that's something. Also my alcohol use is way down.

I still am not happy but I seem to be surviving.

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Get a divorce. I'm not kidding. Marriage is not supposed to be like you are describing.

Glad to hear your situation is truly improving. My wife and I appear to be back to "normal" in that she's not giving me the silent treatment anymore. I still have no idea if she has any issues with me, if she does she just buries them deep down. I think I hit an extra-low point from seasonal affective disorder due to the soul-sucking midwestern winters. The winters are always the worst time of year for me. I can only take so many days of grey skies and ice-cold temperatures. Weather is starting to get better, my mood is generally better when I can see the sun, even if it's cold.

We're house shopping now so it's also a project for the both of us to get the house ready to sell, and also look at houses together, forces us to be on the same team with a common goal. The only thing that worries me is if she falls in love with a house that I have issues with, once she has her mind set, it's hard to change it. We've only just started the process, only looked at few houses, trying to stay positive as we're looking for the house we want to be in or the next 15-20 years, till the kid is ready to go to college at least, and hopefully through college as well. She's more stressed than I am right now, I won't be until our house is officially on the MLS, because at that point we gotta be ready to move into another house soon, don't have the luxury to wait around for the perfect house to come available...just gotta find the thing we can live in.

It doesn't appear that alcohol has much to do with me waking up depressed early in the morning. I have abstained for a few days to see if there was any improvement. Since things have gone so well last several days I wanted to make it even better. While I am substantially better than I have been, my son woke me up around 4 this morning and then I got into a depression and anger funk. Ups and downs are to be expected I guess, I'm just trying to understand why I have the downs. I have a tremendous amount of bitterness towards my old employer and the way things went down in September and I know it's going to take time to work through it. That is what was pouring through my head this morning. Planning on exercising this morning again and continue my progress, minor set backs because of my screwed up brain are frustrating though

Some improvement today over yesterday but still in my head a bit. Exercise didn't do much yesterday but maybe the effects are more evident today. I keep reflecting on the past 8 years of my professional career.

I'm smart, I'm a hard worker, I'm a self starter, I don't have a drug or alcohol problem, I have a stable home life, Im a team player, I'm involved in my community, I'm a leader at my church, I relate well to my customers, I am extremely trustworthy and honest, and I pay for myself more than 5x over. So why the hell do I get fired or laid off? Especially when I'm surrounded by ineffective people who cause HR issues, who have been divorced 3 times, are borderline alcoholics, and their sales numbers aren't as strong. It makes no sense

I know it isn't healthy for me to think about this stuff but it's what is going through my head today. I don't define success as many others do and maybe that's my problem. If I can keep my lights turned on, have a healthy marriage, and healthy kids, then that's a win for me. I'm excited about being on my own so I won't have to deal with that BS any more but it still pisses me off.

And my best friend has been fairly distant from me lately. I think he has been busy at work and worried about his family but he has been a little off since my wife brought him all my guns last week. I got them back that day but seems like he doesn't want to be involved as much. I'm pretty sure I'm reading too much into it but it's also frustrating and I am lonely. My friend group is very very small

I try to be patient with my kids but they don't listen to unless I yell at them so I feel like a drill sargent half the time. Today has been a little easier in that regard but it's still a battle. The joys of a 6 and 4 year old. They are perfect at school though so I guess that's a win.

This roller coaster is exhausting. Two days ago I was thinking about the possibility of getting off my medication in a few months. Yesterday and today I'm thinking I'm not taking enough. Maybe I'm just processing all the junk over the last 6 months that has been especially pent up because I've been dealing with my in-laws. Hoping once work starts getting busy it will help a lot.

Sorry for the rambling mess. I'm all over the board today. I'm trying to do everything I know to do to improve myself, I will NOT take this laying down. But I'm so tired of this freakin fight. Gotta put the mask back on I guess and keep at it. Day by day and hour by hour.