I need a place to post the random assortment of crap flowing through my head. Comment, post advice, tell me to get help, post your own troubles. I don't care. I just need to vent.
I am not ok. I wake up every day and convince myself I'm ok because I have no other choice. But the reality is I'm not. That uphill battle is completely exhausting. Even my good says it's a fight and if I let my guard down slightly then "daddy is angry" or "daddy is in a bad mood". Which then actually does get me in a bad mood.
2019 was absolutely brutal on me and my wife. Started the year off with fighting with a former friend to get him into rehab after he allegedly tried to commit suicide. That ended badly and did some really deep emotional damage to me. My best friend almost died twice, ended up in the icu for 24 days. My marriage was almost on the edge because of my wife's job and the other crap going on. My in-laws decided to retire too early and move to the same town with us only to realize they are broke and need to work again and couldn't find work. I was unexpectedly fired without reason from a job that I was very successful at in September. I went from making 120k a year to on unemployment and working hourly as I can find something overnight. Ended the year with my in-laws moving in with us and then kicking my daughter out of her room until they can find a house to rent.
My mental health genetics suck and my anxiety and depression can be rough. Was having suicidal thoughts 8-10 times a day not long after the firing. Ended up reaching out to a hotline in Octoberish and got on meds soon after. Luckily that is all helping a lot but GDit it is still a battle. 3-4 days a week my first thought the second I open my eyes is about putting a bullet in my head and I have to talk sense into myself to get them out. Sunday through Friday for the most part I feel fine most of the day but you can set your watch by panic attacks and depression on Saturday as everyone is home and I have no more refuge to regroup.
My symptoms have improved enough that I'm hesitant to increase my dosage for now but certainly not ruling it out. I have decided to start my own business and is going ok, but building a business is tough especially like this.
I would never actually go through any suicidal stuff as I have way too much to live for but my understanding is that these thoughts are a pressure release valve in my brain so please don't freak out about me. I really just need to vent into the void for a bit.
I am not ok. I wake up every day and convince myself I'm ok because I have no other choice. But the reality is I'm not. That uphill battle is completely exhausting. Even my good says it's a fight and if I let my guard down slightly then "daddy is angry" or "daddy is in a bad mood". Which then actually does get me in a bad mood.
2019 was absolutely brutal on me and my wife. Started the year off with fighting with a former friend to get him into rehab after he allegedly tried to commit suicide. That ended badly and did some really deep emotional damage to me. My best friend almost died twice, ended up in the icu for 24 days. My marriage was almost on the edge because of my wife's job and the other crap going on. My in-laws decided to retire too early and move to the same town with us only to realize they are broke and need to work again and couldn't find work. I was unexpectedly fired without reason from a job that I was very successful at in September. I went from making 120k a year to on unemployment and working hourly as I can find something overnight. Ended the year with my in-laws moving in with us and then kicking my daughter out of her room until they can find a house to rent.
My mental health genetics suck and my anxiety and depression can be rough. Was having suicidal thoughts 8-10 times a day not long after the firing. Ended up reaching out to a hotline in Octoberish and got on meds soon after. Luckily that is all helping a lot but GDit it is still a battle. 3-4 days a week my first thought the second I open my eyes is about putting a bullet in my head and I have to talk sense into myself to get them out. Sunday through Friday for the most part I feel fine most of the day but you can set your watch by panic attacks and depression on Saturday as everyone is home and I have no more refuge to regroup.
My symptoms have improved enough that I'm hesitant to increase my dosage for now but certainly not ruling it out. I have decided to start my own business and is going ok, but building a business is tough especially like this.
I would never actually go through any suicidal stuff as I have way too much to live for but my understanding is that these thoughts are a pressure release valve in my brain so please don't freak out about me. I really just need to vent into the void for a bit.