Legalize-It-Ags said:

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Don't know if anyone still comes to this thread but I want to blow my ****ing brains out. Don't know why I feel the need to share it some what anonymously online, but it just feels better to see it written out. Just gonna wait for this Xanax to kick in so I can numb the **** out.

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Please do not do this. Please call 1-800-273-8255. Life is too precious. If you feel like this it is temporary. I promise. I know I have no idea what you are going through but I do know that it will get better and taking your own life will only devastate so many people that love you. Many more people than you probably know.

Please reply.

Please don't do it man. I've had those same thoughts and it will get better. It's not worth it at all. Please call anyone or call the suicide hotline mentioned above.

Just don't do it.

You are loved by many people including the Aggie family. Don't do it. Call the hotline above.

Legalize-It-Ags said:

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Don't know if anyone still comes to this thread but I want to blow my ****ing brains out. Don't know why I feel the need to share it some what anonymously online, but it just feels better to see it written out. Just gonna wait for this Xanax to kick in so I can numb the **** out.

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Whatever is going on with you, please know that things will get better. They ALWAYS get better. Life has a whole lot of ups and downs, but no matter how far down you feel right now, there is ALWAYS another up coming your way.

Please reply and let us know you're ok. As much crap as we give each other on this site, we care about each other like family which means you are NEVER alone.

I've back off the ledge, Ags. I'm just really exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have problems and no one to talk to about them. It's frustrating as hell to ask for help when you're raised to be mentally strong and capable. Thanks for being there.

aggieqt12@hotmail.com .. If you ever need a stranger to talk to

Thanks for replying. I'm very glad to hear that. This stuff scares me. Too many times I have known people who get into a dark hole and lose the ability to think rationally. Smart people. Happy people. Successful people. They think it is "the best" for those they leave behind, but it never is.

Don't let yourself get into that dark place.

Gig ' em, L-I-A. You've got a whole Aggie network that cares about you. Even if you need to vent to strangers to get past it, we're here and listening. Hang in there.

Legalize I am relieved you responded positively. What may have felt to you like a whisper in the dark on the web board was heard by your Aggie family as a scream. And it was answered. Please seek help.

I have a good friend who is giving the keynote address at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention tomorrow. PM me and I will put you in touch with her and the support resources she can help you access.

She shared with me the backbone of the speech she plans on giving tomorrow. I want to share it with you. You are not alone and the ripples of suicide are terrible and long lasting. Seek help.

Her speech -

The first time mental health was a part of my life, I was sitting in my OB/Gyn office. In that fabulous
gown, open in the back, sitting on the exam table just waiting. It was so quiet and all I could do was cry.
I was a mother of my second beautiful baby girl. I should have been on top of the world, but all I could
see was darkness. I would scream to myself what is wrong with you? Over and over. My doctor came
into the room after a quick knock on the door, I didn't have time to pull myself together, I was still
crying. After going through the exam and all that glory, my doctor informed me I was doing great. Then
she whispered to me, "all that crying, it's post-partum depression, don't worry no one will need to
know"..and no one did, I kept it all to myself. I didn't even whisper it to anyone.

Mental health affected my family again just a few years later, when my now ex-husband fought a battle
with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. The doctor's in the ER whispered to me, "he's mentally
ill". So to help him I signed on the dotted line to have him committed to a mental health facility.
After I stopped by a friend's house, crying desperate to scream to anyone what was going on. When I
explained to them what was going on, I could see in their faces this would be the last time they would
speak to me without a whisper. Several days later I ran into them at the store and they whispered to
me, "how is he doing?" I couldn't even whisper to anyone what was happening. I just smiled and said
"Better".

During this long battle he was having, my baby, that sweet baby girl that lead me to my post-partum
depression introduction, at just age 7 became suicidal.yes 7 years old. I am her mother; how do I fix
this how do I help her? She is too young to feel like she shouldn't be here. I fought and advocated for
her and all she needed. The doctor's whispered again to say things like depression, anxiety, and suicidal.
When I spoke with people, I whispered too.

As my little firecracker grew up and continued in her treatment, she DID NOT whisper. She screamed and shouted about what she felt like and the darkness she was fighting. As she fought with a loud roar, so did I.
The first time I sat at my computer to share a post about mental health, I held my breath as I pressed the keys..this was NOT a whisper. I hovered over my computer, waiting.waiting.waitingoh dear lord, I'm just going to delete that post. Then it happened, someone "liked it" then they commented, my child is struggling too, I understand. Thank you for sharing.
My little firecracker showed me more about HOPE than I knew, she is a fighter and although she still fights a battle with the darkness, she has learned she does not have to whisper!

Then came the day my oldest daughter's battle against the darkness reared it's ugly head. She shouted to herself and whispered to the world. The shouting she shared with herself came out in some very self-harming ways. She whispered them to the world and it took me so long to hear it. She was battling a screaming darkness in her head, yet only shared a whisper with the world.

After time the whispers built up, I began to see the marks she made, the slices, and the wounds to let it all out. The first night she almost died she was still whispering for help, not fully understanding what was going on, just that she wanted it to end. When the paramedics came in, it wasn't a whisper she screamed when they brought her back. She screamed for me with a voice I hadn't heard before.

For months, I screamed to get her help. I screamed to anyone that would listen. What do I do, where do I take her, how can we fix this screaming darkness that is taking the light from her? Still she whispered. She was slipping away from me whispering and all the screaming I could do seemed worthless.
I reached out on social media for support, and we received it tenfold. Everyone wanting to help, to share their love.

What I didn't see at the time is that her friends that were also battling were reaching out to her for help. She was everyone's confidant, everyone's counselor. She spent countless hours consoling, talking, and listening to friends that needed her help, she would scream out to them to help them hold but she was drowning in her own pain. She still whispered.
For 6 years we battled and fought against the darkness that was over taking her. She nearly died 3 more times. The doctors, the medications, the therapy, it felt like we were doing everything. We were screaming at this mental health condition that kept her whispering and suffering. I often explained it as a stage 4 mental health condition to others, we needed more answers.

The whispers were over, on March 24th, 2016 when my girl quietly took her life. The rest of the world seemed to be screaming for answers, and all I could do is just scream in pain. Losing my girl and seeing my baby lose her sister and best friend was more pain than anyone should ever have to know.
Slowly I began to scream again, taking my tears and turning them into armor. I found a home with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, to provide hope to those affected by suicide, and to stand and advocate for more research, so someday we can all live in a world we don't have to whisper about mental health. I stand before this world a broken woman screaming for more help for those that need it, even if they are only whispering.

Legalize-It-Ags said:

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I've back off the ledge, Ags. I'm just really exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have problems and no one to talk to about them. It's frustrating as hell to ask for help when you're raised to be mentally strong and capable. Thanks for being there.

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My man - I'm gonna suggest that since this was only 20 minutes after your initial post - you may have backed away from the ledge, but you're still probably too close.

Calling the hot line number given above is the best advice you got. A real human person to reach out to is the best first step. They will be able to help you in ways us here cannot possibly help.

I will remember you, by username (God knows who's on the other side of the screen), and your needs in my daily prayers, for the foreseeable future.

Legalize-It-Ags said:

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I've back off the ledge, Ags. I'm just really exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have problems and no one to talk to about them. It's frustrating as hell to ask for help when you're raised to be mentally strong and capable. Thanks for being there.

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If you live in College Station, let me know. I would be glad to be a sounding board for you if that would help you.

Thank you for all the words of encouragement, Ags. Sorry I can't reach out individually but I'm sure ya'll understand. I'm going to get help, but I have a month long waiting period until my benefits kick in and I can go get some psychiatric help. But I do have one question for you all that have gone through something similar. I feel like ever since I got accepted in 2012 to A&M (which was my largest accomplishment of my life by far at that point), my life has just been a list of boxes and checkmarks. Go to school, graduate, struggle to find a job, take GRE, get into grad school, work on thesis, finish thesis, graduate, finally get a job, do social obligations, etc.

(None of this is a flex btw. I'm pretty ADD and adderall helped me a lot through the schooling)

I'm not finding any satisfaction out of any of it. I didn't give a **** that I graduated with my masters last year. Like none at all. and I should be proud of myself, but it was just like a quiet relief because that box was checked. And that's how my entire life feels right now. Like I'm sure in the next 3-4 years I'll have my student loans paid off but that will once again, just be quiet relief.

I just don't know how to find meaning in anything that I do in my life.

Thanks in advance for any help, advice, or insight!

Do you exercise regularly? Lift weights? When I got into fitness (lifting) it added new meaning for me and it makes me feel so good. You get accomplishment from it, feel better and look better.

This may be a little difficult for me to capture completely in written form, and I apologize up front if it gets lengthy.

Your description of the checkboxes and lack of fulfillment from them sounds the same - at least to a strong degree - as what I have experienced and felt a great deal in the past and still experience to a lesser degree today. As you mentioned, I found myself checking all the boxes that I felt that I was supposed to be checking and getting nothing out of it other than being able to tell/show others that I checked them. The dissonance that was being caused by the extrinsic box checking and the lack of intrinsic reward or fulfillment was extremely hard for me to manage.

I spent countless hours with a counselor working through the different facets of the "path", as we came to call it, and to get to the underlying reasons for me feeling like I had to be on that path. That time with the counselor was not always easy or comfortable, but the work - and to be clear, it is hard work - has paid great dividends for me. Through that counseling and then subsequent, sometimes difficult, conversations with people who I am close to - and therefore felt the most "path pressure" from - I have been able to get to much better level of comfort with where I am in live and enjoy the things that I am doing and achieving rather than constantly focusing on the things that I think I should be doing and am not. The counseling to break down the walls inside me was vital in this process, but the conversations with others around me were extremely important as well.

Through this process, I have learned - likely better put as relearned - to focus on the present much more than I used to. I constantly lived in the future and tried to plan each step before which greatly contributed to anxiety around it as I had no control over the future. I have better learned that when I do things for myself that are fulfilling to me that I am a better member of my circles - juxtaposed against trying to achieve what I think they want me to or whatever it may be.

Another step that I have taken that has been extremely positive for me is that I got off of all social media except for LinkedIn (I only kept that for professional reasons) and got myself out of the habit (at least moreso) of constantly comparing myself to others highlight reels. While my circle of contact has gotten much smaller because of this, the relationships have become much more real and tangible and ones where I can talk to people about real stuff like challenge, success, fulfillment, etc. instead of the more surface stuff that social media leads to.

And finally, in any conversation like this, I do have to fully acknowledge that through all of this time, I quit drinking altogether as I had a very abusive relationship with that stuff that was greatly contributing to a lot of anxiety on my part. My situation is just mine, but stopping the daily deal with the beast of addiction has been immeasurably life changing.

Lots of words, and I apologize again for length, but this entire topic is one that I am very passionate about. My hope is that in typing them that you (and/or others) may be able to connect to some parts or themes or whatever it may be. The things that you are working through are unique in that they belong to you, but they are not unique as they are all part of the human existence. I would just encourage you to seek any and all support that you need and know that you are not alone in that existence. Stay strong.

Email if you ever want to use it for any reason. I'll send you my phone number if you would prefer that, I would just rather not post it. pcmoore21 at yahoo dot com

Dude, your post about checking boxes really resonated with me. Was definitely feeling the same as though life had no meaning and I wasnt valued because my contributions didnt matter. It was a huge demotivator for me and I withdrew from quite a bit. Ended up divorced and alone which reinforced the lie telling me I didnt matter. What changed things for me was looking for a mission I could be passionate about. Something that was outside of the "check the box" norm. That led me to volunteering at a local shelter. I didnt do more than clean up and prep meals but I got to know people there. Also met some really good people. Eventually they introduced me to Team Rubicon and Project Healing Waters and looked to find ways to help veterans. Not sure if this helps you or not, but I found that forcing myself out of the house to volunteer was helpful in getting my mind re-wired. For me initially, volunteering was more a focus on getting myself involved in a mission again.


A few years have passed and my life has completely turned around for me since then. I dont know if you're a Christian or not, but discovering the extravagant love and grace of God became comforting to me. Granted I didnt discover this until last year, learning this was the culmination of a many year battle with self-worth, anger, depression, and futility. We all have our battles and you're in the middle of one now but know that you are loved and you matter.