AliasMan02 said:

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Telling a person his or her feelings are invalid is abuser behavior.

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No it's not. It's common sense in this case. Stop trying to intellectualize something that is incredibly simple. Getting all twisted off to the point of being "frightened" over the opinions posted by a random anonymous dude on an internet message board is not valid. It's ****ing stupid. Just click the back button and read another thread.

You might have a point if we were talking about a real relationship between people in real life who actually know each other. We're not.

SoupNazi2001 said:

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AliasMan02 said:

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Telling a person his or her feelings are invalid is abuser behavior.

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Abuser behavior on an anonymous message board. That's funny.

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Exactly. ****ing laughable. These people..

Either people are supposed to trust your information and facts because you are an expert observer of society and dating or they are supposed to shrug you off as some anonymous ******* on the internet.

Which would you like us to do?

swimmerbabe11 said:

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Either people are supposed to trust your information and facts because you are an expert observer of society and dating or they are supposed to shrug you off as some anonymous ******* on the internet.

Which would you like us to do?

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I don't care what you do. I'm just here marveling at nervy saying she is "frightened" by some anonymous dude's internet message board posts. That's laughably ridiculous.

Okay, so there are 4 posters that are parroting each other on the same stuff, saying that these are facts, and biology, and woman at 35 is basically SOL on getting a valuable partner..then following it up with "we are telling you this out of love" behavior.

If your team's argument was compelling! OMG WE ALL BELIEVE YOU GOSH, US UNMARRIED WOMEN, MUST LOWER OUR STANDARDS AND ACCEPT ANYTHING THAT COMES OUR WAY and the married (or very very recently divorced) women should cling to their man, regardless of his behavior and praising his every move, such as hanging out with his own children, then someone in a position such as Nervy, who has openly admitted that she is in the process of divorce and probably a year out from dating, would rightfully look at this thread and feel woe. Woe that if you are right, she is fooked and even if y'all are wrong, y'all exist and are out there in the dating pool.

Knowing that if I were single again and I could end up on a date with someone with your mindset, is actually pretty dreadful.

This thread is a masterclass in gaslighting

I dont think anyone is advocating clinging to your man regardless of their behavior. I see what this thread is discussing happening in 2 relationships with close friends right now. Both he dudes are very respected, caring thoughtful smart dudes who love their families. One is worth several million and has a stake in a multi million dollar business. Both have been married about 10 to 12 years, both have 2 kids. Both wives almost detest their husband's and the relationship. It is insanely awkward to be around due to the way the women treat their husband's in public. If those women left their men, they would be screwed, one more so than the other imo. Both of the dudes have good stable jobs and are loyal, trustworthy and offer security. I honestly do not understand how the men put up with the way they are treated. I have zero doubt that the men would be able to walk away from a divorce and immediately be eligible bachelors while the women would have an insanely tough go of it. Those women should absolutely be doing more to maintain a loving, happy and caring relationship.

Eta - I actively discuss with one of these dudes his relationship and I am an advocate for salvaging the relationship. Divorce is hell on kids, I should know because of my upbringing. Certainly there are times when it is impossible to reconcile differences, but personally I would not let my relationship get to that point, and I married a woman who had my same convictions in that regard. It is a tough spot to be in I am sure and one I am not personally familiar with as a parent, so can't fully speak to what it feels like. Thst said, I can easily see what would happen with these couples I am familiar with should divorce happen.

Sea Speed said:

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Both wives almost detest their husband's and the relationship.

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I have a couple friends that are in this type of situation as well. It's really weird. I just want to tell them, "sweetie, you need to work on building up your relationship with your spouse. If this thing falls apart, you're best-case replacement is maybe under 50 and has a job. This isn't a like-for-like situation."

swimmerbabe11 said:

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Okay, so there are 4 posters that are parroting each other on the same stuff, saying that these are facts, and biology, and woman at 35 is basically SOL on getting a valuable partner..then following it up with "we are telling you this out of love" behavior.

Maybe you have me confused with somebody else. I don't think I've made any arguments in this thread, other than saying most people have some kind of emotional damage by their mid-30s for one reason or another, and recounting my experiences representing clients in divorce proceedings. I don't know what all of this "value of men vs value of women" and "women should lower standards" talk is about. I don't think I've discussed any of that.

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Maybe you have me confused with somebody else. I don't think I've made any arguments in this thread, other than saying most people have some kind of emotional damage by their mid-30s for one reason or another, and recounting my experiences representing clients in divorce proceedings. I don't know what all of this "value of men vs value of women" and "women should lower their standards" talk is about. I don't think I've discussed any of that.

Quote:

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If your team's argument was compelling! OMG WE ALL BELIEVE YOU GOSH, US UNMARRIED WOMEN, MUST LOWER OUR STANDARDS AND ACCEPT ANYTHING THAT COMES OUR WAY and the married (or very very recently divorced) women should cling to their man, regardless of his behavior and praising his every move, such as hanging out with his own children, then someone in a position such as Nervy, who has openly admitted that she is in the process of divorce and probably a year out from dating, would rightfully look at this thread and feel woe. Woe that if you are right, she is fooked and even if y'all are wrong, y'all exist and are out there in the dating pool.

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Maybe she should just go date people in real life and not worry about what an anonymous dude posted on an internet message board that one time. That would be the rational, sensible thing to do.

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Knowing that if I were single again and I could end up on a date with someone with your mindset, is actually pretty dreadful.

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Would you say it . . . FRIGHTENS YOU??!!!

The woman that treats any person like that is awful. Regardless if you are unhappy in a marriage, I dont agree on degrading someone.

I already mentioned in this thread, but my favorite thing about you is the way you talk about your spouse and the fact that you do that probably has a very positive overall effect on your marriage.

I have very little respect for any woman or man who doesn't treat their significant other like they are the best thing since sliced bread in public. However, I also have seen first hand that how someone acts in public doesn't necessarily reveal what is happening at home. The wives are probably bringing stuff to the table that we don't realize. (this does not excuse cruel behavior) or they are terrible creatures...and if that's the case, you can find an equal amount of women that bear most the weight in their relationship and are taken for granted. These things really aren't all that gender specific.

Dating is super hard for anyone looking for a serious relationship and not just a hook up these days. Either gender, regardless of age. Anyone can get laid or find a fun date for a month. Finding someone who wants something real and is really willing to commit to making these work is the struggle.

swimmerbabe11 said:

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Anyone can get laid or find a fun date for a month.

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man, we all got old. nice to see everyone is still horned up though.

swimmerbabe11 said:

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Knowing that if I were single again and I could end up on a date with someone with your mindset, is actually pretty dreadful.

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First of all, yes. Dreadful is the perfect word to describe it. It isn't frightening because no, it's not going to HURT me if some dude calculates my value based on my age and my status as a divorced mother as opposed to who I actually AM. But obviously I wouldn't like it. No more than most men would enjoy going on a date with someone and being dismissed because they didn't make enough money.

Anyway, I'm mystified why this has to be so difficult. It seems like most emotionally intelligent, well adjusted, healthy adults want the same thing. So just be honest about it. Actually effing talk to people and get to know them a little and if it's a good fit, wonderful. If not, it is possible to part ways in a kind and decent manner. Just because someone isn't for me doesn't mean they're flawed or don't have value. And vice versa.

And for what it's worth, I'm not actually competing with 25 year olds. The type of man I would be interested in may or may not be interested in a 25 year old, all other things being equal. But he wouldn't be comparing me to a 25 year old in the first place because he wouldn't be comparing me to anyone. I'm not down to be with someone who is constantly assessing my value or attractiveness relative to other women. I'm just not. If a man who won't do that doesn't exist, that's perfectly fine because I've settled for less than I deserve from an emotional/commitment standpoint, and I won't do it again. And anyway, I'm objectively hotter and definitely cooler than I was at 25, so I've got that going for me.

aglaohfour said:

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swimmerbabe11 said:

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Knowing that if I were single again and I could end up on a date with someone with your mindset, is actually pretty dreadful.

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First of all, yes. Dreadful is the perfect word to describe it. It isn't frightening because no, it's not going to HURT me if some dude calculates my value based on my age and my status as a divorced mother as opposed to who I actually AM. But obviously I wouldn't like it. No more than most men would enjoy going on a date with someone and being dismissed because they didn't make enough money.

Anyway, I'm mystified why this has to be so difficult. It seems like most emotionally intelligent, well adjusted, healthy adults want the same thing. So just be honest about it. Actually effing talk to people and get to know them a little and if it's a good fit, wonderful. If not, it is possible to part ways in a kind and decent manner. Just because someone isn't for me doesn't mean they're flawed or don't have value. And vice versa.

And for what it's worth, I'm not actually competing with 25 year olds. The type of man I would be interested in may or may not be interested in a 25 year old, all other things being equal. But he wouldn't be comparing me to a 25 year old in the first place because he wouldn't be comparing me to anyone. I'm not down to be with someone who is constantly assessing my value or attractiveness relative to other women. I'm just not. If a man who won't do that doesn't exist, that's perfectly fine because I've settled for less than I deserve from an emotional/commitment standpoint, and I won't do it again. And anyway, I'm objectively hotter and definitely cooler than I was at 25, so I've got that going for me.

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If you're hotter than you were at 25, can you post pics of yourself so we can rate them and assess your value? I think that would be a good thing for everyone involved.

I think it's cute that all the women freaking out on this thread about men "assessing a woman's value" based on soft factors, are completely ignoring the fact that women do the same **** about men.

Have you ever seen a group chat between women and how they talk about men and their perceived sexual or relationship value? It's just as vulgar, if not more so, than a similar conversation amongst men.

Why can't we all just admit this universal truth: people are shallow in general. Blame biology.

BenFiasco14 said:

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I think it's cute that all the women freaking out on this thread about men "assessing a woman's value" based on soft factors, are completely ignoring the fact that women do the same **** about men.

Have you ever seen a group chat between women and how they talk about men and their perceived sexual or relationship value? It's just as vulgar, if not more so, than a similar conversation amongst men.

Why can't we all just admit this universal truth: people are shallow in general. Blame biology.

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This whole thread feels about as healthy as eating South Dakota shellfish. I hope y'all have a reason to smile soon.

Anchorhold said:

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This whole thread feels about as healthy as eating South Dakota shellfish. I hope y'all have a reason to smile soon.

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This is the best thread here in about 5 years. How can you not love everything about this thread?

Girls rank guys all the time based on success, power, money making -- this is an old, well known phenomenon -- that just happens to be ~40yo for guys

Guys rank girls based on looks -- this is an old, well known phenomenon

I'm surprised that people are still surprised to hear this