I created my account in 2002 to post the following, a mash-up of A&M's offense and Return of the Jedi that I wrote in my head one morning on the way to work.
In light of A&M's dazzling 156-yard effort Saturday against Virginia Tech, I present this dramatic recreation of a key scene from the 1983 film Return of the Jedi, starring Texas A&M offensive coordinator Dino Babers as Darth Vader and a disenfranchised Aggie fan and season ticket holder as Luke Skywalker.
INTERIOR, ATHLETIC OFFICES TAMU
Stormtroopers Dustin Long and Reggie McNeal bring a handcuffed season ticket holder into a long hallway, where Lord Babers awaits.
Long: "This is the two-percenter that surrendered to us. Although he denies it, I believe there may be more of them and I request permission to conduct a further search of the Northgate area."
Babers: "Good work, backup/starter/thirdstring, conduct your search and bring his companions to me."
The troopers depart, leaving Babers and and the season ticket holder alone in the hallway.
Babers: "The Slocumperor is expecting you."
Ticket Holder: "I know ... loser."
Babers: "So, you have accepted the truth."
Ticket Holder: "I've accepted the truth that you were once Dino Babers, a competent offensive coordinator."
Babers (turning to face him quickly): "That name no longer has any meaning to me."
Ticket Holder: "It is the name of your true self. You've only forgotten. I know there is still innovation in you, the Slocumperor hasn't driven it from you fully. That was why you couldn't lose the Gallery Furniture.com Bowl ... that is why you won't bring me to your Slocumperor now."
Darth Babers looks down from the ticket holder to the ragged 12th Man towel in his own black-gloved hand. He seems to ponder his words. Babers lifts the 12th Man towel above his head and slowly waves it.
Babers: "I see you have held on to your old 12th Man. Your faith is complete (he lowers the towel). Indeed you are a sucker, as the Slocumperor has forseen."
Ticket Holder: "Come with me."
Babers: "Steve Kragthorpe once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the draw play on third and long. I MUST obey my master."
Ticket Holder: "I will not watch ... and you'll be forced to take away my season tickets."
Babers: "If that is your destiny."
Ticket Holder: "Search your feelings, loser. You can't do this! I feel the innovation within you, let go of your hate."
Ticket Holder: "It is too late for me, Army. The Slocumperor will show you the true nature of the conservative offense. He is your master now."
Ticket Holder and Babers stand staring at one another for a long moment.
Ticket Holder: "Then my alma mater is truly dead."