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I've seen films of prisoner of war camps in Vietnam, and I can say without hyperbole that being married sounds a million times worse.

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Says the man who couldn't get Elizabeth Taylor down the aisle.

Malt liquor is the only woman I'll ever need!

"Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."

I am a female who has been watching this site from afar for several months. This is the first time I have felt really compelled to jump in and add my two cents. Currently, I am married.... "C U R R E N T L Y". (ahem) You guys have given me some great tips to keep in mind .... in the future. (ahem)

1. Get more beer.
2. No moaning about the drinking.
3. Love the dog.
4. Make things happen in the bedroom.
5. Don't get fat.
6. Long hair is better. (Although I don't necessarily agree on this point. Have you ever seen an old lady with long hair? YUCK!)
7. Keep the in-laws in line.

oh.. almost forgot... 8. Kiss other females.

Does this about cover it?

9. When you have mis-behaved make sure your hubby gives you a nice spanking!

Yes, unless you want to elaborate a bit more on # 8.

LubBec, nice start. Also feel free to NOT order him around. When you ask him to do something, don't tell him how to do it (otherwise do it yourself). Never miss an opportunity to be silent (this is important).

It's quite simple really. Things guys like: sex, beer, food, sports, silence. The less hassle the better.

Simply put...give your better half a credit card with unlimited spending and she'll love you long time. She be so haaaawrny too.

LubBec,

Wow! You did leave off one thing, though. Where might I find such an enlightened mate?

Oh, and #10...on bad days when he calls and needs "fixing"...be prepared to spoil him for one night. But I have a feeling you already know that.

My wife is a few years older than me (over 40) and this is the second mistake...er..I mean marriage for both of us, so I don't have to put up with quite as much of the wacky, nutty BS that you poor souls with younger wives do.

If anything, sometimes my wife is such a cool, emotionless customer, I think she would make a good CIA operator doing Black Ops in Nicaragua.



[This message has been edited by kelleragMS04 (edited 12/16/2004 6:40a).]

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When you ask him to do something, don't tell him how to do it (otherwise do it yourself).

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I can't believe I'm about to say this about Scholz, but--wise words, my friend.

Ok.....take everyone's advise on this thread (Especially Urban AG's.....he will clearly have a long marriage)


and....


then.....






focus........

Just back from deer hunting and heard the best line...imagine around the fire, drinking your favorite adult beverage with your best buds after a great day hunting...

if you only had a pu***, this would be paradise

why do women hate you hunting with your best friend/bestman??

Can't tell you how hard it was to pack up and go home...

Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts....

Pagoda with a tv funhouse reference. First one I've ever seen on here. Nice!

Look at the fun bags on that hose-hound!!

YOWZA!

Indeed, I DO feel enlightened. Finding this site to be more and more educational all the time. Soon I shall be the PERFECT woman. I shall be well versed in rivalry smack AND I'll have all the answers to making a relationship work. Thanks for the tips.

I'll keep #10 tucked away in a very special place.

I should turn my girlfriends on to this site so they, too can be enlightened. nah.... think I'll keep this little secret to myself.

Gentlemen, let me sort this out for you:

1. Your spouse isn't mad at you for drinking, she's mad at you for HAVING FUN. Case in point: I got blown up two years ago when we played VaTech at Kyle. Bear in mind I'm an innocuous drunk...I have a chromosome that sends an electrical charge to my brain that reads "Keep your mouth shut, anything you say will be stupid and obnoxious". My buddy drops me off at home after the game, and Mrs.ADC is livid. My buddy says "Uhh...later dude". The spouse proceeds to tear into me...this is "justified" because I'm drunk, otherwise she couldn't rightly blast me for having a good time (though she wants to).

After 10-12 Bud Lights, 4 or 5 shooters at the Dry Bean, numerous shots of peppermint schnapps at the game and standing for 4 hours, I do not want to argue...I want to hit the fartsack. Before I do, however, I register my disapproval of her conduct by opening the candy decanter next to the sofa and firing a single 70 mph caramel 20 ft. across the room and into the kitchen window blinds. I do this not because I'm mad...this maneuver is similar to an attorney shouting "objection" for the record...if I did nothing this would represent tacit validation of her actions. I take off my clothes and make my way to the bed. As I emerge from the bathroom she is waiting in the shadows of the dark bedroom and I don't see her....bear in mind I am exhausted and moving at 2 mph, a ridiculously easy target...and she cracks me with a right cross to my left temple. Now I was pizzed, but I said nothing because it was too outrageous to discuss. Two days later she finally says "I'm sorry I hit you".

2. Wives cut their hair short because they're bored. Usually they go shopping because they're bored but they cut their hair when they're bored of shopping. When men get bored, we mow the lawn, put a new water pump in our car, or form up and pour a much needed sidewalk. When we're bored but don't feel like being productive, we throw a golf bag in our trunk, watch TCU vs. Memphis State or come to this board and call each other dumbasses and d@ckheads.

The difference is we don't ask our spouses "Is my golf swing bad or good", "should I get a new or rebuilt water pump" or "will LonghornDub not like me anymore if I don't respond to his post". OTOH, the worst part about your spouse cutting her hair is suffering through the several hundred hairstyle photos she has clipped from People Magazine and being carpet-bombed with "what do you think about this one?". As if we're experts on the subject and should be consulted because we can look at photographs of Gene Keady and Jennifer Anniston side-by-side and say "That one looks good and that one looks bad". Then it gets worse...she burns a buck fifty on a cut and perm, comes home, doesn't like it, bawls her eyes out and you have to start hiding razor blades and firearms. Then she spends another $100 trying to fix what has been messed up. Then 8 months go by, her hair is finally back to where it used to be, and she starts browsing People Magazine again. It would be nice if Darwin, Orwell and Freud were alive and could weigh in on this.








[This message has been edited by AgDotCom (edited 12/14/2004 9:22p).]

1) Can someone explain why women have to continually screw with their hair or strive to be "different"?

Sitting at my daughter's choir performance earlier this evening, I kept pondering this question.... cuz you're right, we do this. hmmm (scratching head delicately as not to mess up my hair) Maybe AgDotCom is right... quite possibly we do this because we're bored. However, I think we do it to keep up. I mean... a guy gets a new boat. His neighbor gets a BIGGER boat. Guy #1, once happy with his boat, now HATES his boat. Guy #1 trades in boat for bigger, FASTER boat.... the cyble begins. Girl gets new haircut. She's happy with the "do" until she sees girl #2 with cuter haircut....... its like keeping up with the Jones's... only different. Dang its late and I need to go to bed. Sorry for the rambling... but then again, I'm female. *smirk*

Just tell her she's beautiful. Hug her when she's having a bad hair day.... just listen, you don't have to fix it.

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just listen, you don't have to fix it.

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Well, since we're giving lessons here, Lubbec, yeah - as a matter of fact we DO have to fix it.

It's what we do. We fix stuff and carry heavy crap. It's all we're good at (well, that, and beer drinking, farting, and masturbating, all of which make us happy).

So - my advice to you is that if you need to tell us something just to have us listen, give us something to fix while you're talking. That way we'll feel useful and it gives us something to do while we're pretending to listen to you.



-td

Testosterone, you guys need to up your dosage, to at least the level of the guy who left his clothes in the yard all day long....the only way to improve his response was to threaten to move her into a trailer park it she wants to act like trash...

If your woman *****es about what you are doing, i.e. loading the dishwasher incorrectly, quit loading the dishwasher, forever

if she *****es about your cooking, quit cooking....forever

if she raises her eyebrow when you grab one last beer, take the whole thirty pack with you

you are the head of your household and the alpha male, act like it and quit screwing it up for the rest of us

Greatest thread ever. After reading them all, I fear that some of you may have married my ex.

quote:

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Gentlemen, let me sort this out for you:

1. Your spouse isn't mad at you for drinking, she's mad at you for HAVING FUN. Case in point: I got blown up two years ago when we played VaTech at Kyle. Bear in mind I'm an innocuous drunk...I have a chromosome that sends an electrical charge to my brain that reads "Keep your mouth shut, anything you say will be stupid and obnoxious". My buddy drops me off at home after the game, and Mrs.ADC is livid. My buddy says "Uhh...later dude". The spouse proceeds to tear into me...this is "justified" because I'm drunk, otherwise she couldn't rightly blast me for having a good time (though she wants to).

After 10-12 Bud Lights, 4 or 5 shooters at the Dry Bean, numerous shots of peppermint schnapps at the game and standing for 4 hours, I do not want to argue...I want to hit the fartsack. Before I do, however, I register my disapproval of her conduct by opening the candy decanter next to the sofa and firing a single 70 mph caramel 20 ft. across the room and into the kitchen window blinds. I do this not because I'm mad...this maneuver is similar to an attorney shouting "objection" for the record...if I did nothing this would represent tacit validation of her actions. I take off my clothes and make my way to the bed. As I emerge from the bathroom she is waiting in the shadows of the dark bedroom and I don't see her....bear in mind I am exhausted and moving at 2 mph, a ridiculously easy target...and she cracks me with a right cross to my left temple. Now I was pizzed, but I said nothing because it was too outrageous to discuss. Two days later she finally says "I'm sorry I hit you".

2. Wives cut their hair short because they're bored. Usually they go shopping because they're bored but they cut their hair when they're bored of shopping. When men get bored, we mow the lawn, put a new water pump in our car, or form up and pour a much needed sidewalk. When we're bored but don't feel like being productive, we throw a golf bag in our trunk, watch TCU vs. Memphis State or come to this board and call each other dumbasses and d@ckheads.

The difference is we don't ask our spouses "Is my golf swing bad or good", "should I get a new or rebuilt water pump" or "will LonghornDub not like me anymore if I don't respond to his post". OTOH, the worst part about your spouse cutting her hair is suffering through the several hundred hairstyle photos she has clipped from People Magazine and being carpet-bombed with "what do you think about this one?". As if we're experts on the subject and should be consulted because we can look at photographs of Gene Keady and Jennifer Anniston side-by-side and say "That one looks good and that one looks bad". Then it gets worse...she burns a buck fifty on a cut and perm, comes home, doesn't like it, bawls her eyes out and you have to start hiding razor blades and firearms. Then she spends another $100 trying to fix what has been messed up. Then 8 months go by, her hair is finally back to where it used to be, and she starts browsing People Magazine again. It would be nice if Darwin, Orwell and Freud were alive and could weigh in on this.

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YOU, sir, are a genius.

You guys break me up

Well, I am sorry I was not here to participate in this thread yesterday. Lots of good bull here and not too much BS.

A point that has been overlooked: These women picked their men. It was their choice. They had control at that time. No gun was put to their heads. No one forced them to marry our sorry asses.

I don't see many men here reminding their wives that they picked them out of all the others they could have had. This is a very important point because without mentioning this you cannot possibly set them up to realize they were the dumbass who did the picking in the first place. They are now forced to admit, if only to themselves, that they might have made the mistake. Of course, realizing the truth that makes their lives miserable, thus spilling over into ours.

Any women who chooses hoping for change, should have known that adults do not change. I have always assumed it was the lady's mom who taught the daughter that men can be changed and how to do it. After all, look at Dad. Most MILs will burn in hell for teaching that one thing.

The story of the clothes thrown in the yard was classic, but what is worse than seeing your clothes strewn like that is when you see the tubes of KY and condoms you have strategically placed around the house for strategic use if needed all gathered up and dumped in the trash can. That is a real low and sends quite a message. If you can hold out long enough, however, the sex will get better after menopause and the fear of reproduction is gone. However it is a real bummer when the Astroglide cannot be found then. Olive oil works well.

I hoped we would have a follow up on the neighbors wife's kissing abilities, but that looks like it will wait for another day.

The founder of this thread probably missed the MIL's calls while watching the New Orleans Bowl at the neighborhood bar, came home and brushed the dog for its appreciative pant, found the kid asleep, made up with the Mrs., had great sex last night and his outlook on life is much rosier today. It will get back to normal by this evening.

Gig 'em Aggies!

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a ridiculously easy target...and she cracks me with a right cross to my left temple.

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Chuck Finley, is that you?

You guys need to plug in to some ancient wisdom. I think it was either Confucious or Sun Tzu that said:

"Pimpin ain't easy but it's necessary."

But seriously, having some hormonally challenged estrogen monster b ^tch at you for having fun sounds great. I'm really happy for those of you who have found your "soulmate" at the expense of your dickmate. Perhaps one day I'll....


JESUS! LOOK AT THE CANS ON THAT BIMBO!

I don't see what the problem is with having an SO who is constantly tweaking her hair or overall look. As long as it doesn't blow up the budget or turn into an obsession, I consider it continuous improvement (caring what they look like), and who doesn't want that? You want to see scary?...go into a Wal-Mart and check out some couple who looked like they warped from the 70s.

And I think guys are more similiar to that more than they let on. Even though I don't change up my hair color or style every month or so, I do work out and wear fairly nice clothes. It's a two-way street...I want my SO to look good, but in return I want to look good for her.

[This message has been edited by Ramblin Ror (edited 12/15/2004 8:54a).]

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Just tell her she's beautiful. Hug her when she's having a bad hair day.... just listen, you don't have to fix it.

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So I can take back that 40k ring that I saw at the mall the other day?

40k rings?

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about it, a friend said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty new Jeeps?"

"She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Does anyone else think of "Hotel California" when they read the topic?

ce1994, your resilience is inspiring, and your brutally truthful story telling is both scary and funny. I've never been married, but i can think back to several ex girlfriends who were flat crazy. I can't imagine my life had I given in to their pressures. I currently have a girlfriend who likes aggie football more than I do, is smart, beautiful, and doesn't mind my bad habits.(poker, drinking)We'll see.... Oh, and dot com throwing a 70 mph caramel almost made me piss my pants.

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Astroglide cannot be found then. Olive oil works well.

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Laughing out loud!

LubBec

Give frequent oral sex to the husband and you can pretty much forget 1-9, er uh 1-8. In fact keep that habit up and you can probably do just about anything you want to do, and you husband won't care a lick.

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...oral sex to the husband...

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This is an oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp or hot ice or something.

yeah, I wanna get married real soooon...