October 17, 2020,
Dear Astro Fans - October 31, 2019
Not much reason to celebrate this Halloween, huh guys? We lost the World Series at home last night to the Nationals, as I'm sure you already know. I'm sure you weren't so crazy about seeing Geritt Cole wearing the non-Astro hat either.
That wasn't just a coincidence, either. He was granted free agency effective immediately. And your worst fears are going to be realized on December 18 when he signs a deal with the Yankees for 75 years and $11 billion. Well, not really, but close enough that he'll be there forever.
That's actually not all. Will Harris is going to sign with the Nationals on January 3. Yep, he's a traitor, too.
We try to turn the page on that bitter ending, but things get a lot worse in 2020.
On January 13, the commissioner of baseball releases a report on the investigation into the cheating accusations leveled against us during the 2017 regular season ... it's messy, and it turns almost everyone against us, including a lot of our own.
Do you remember that dirty ****ing rat Mike Fiers? He's the one who squeals. Our players get diplomatic immunity, like the guy who kept on yapping about it during Lethal Weapon 2 (until Danny Glover kills him, spoiler alert). But that means someone's left holding the bag. And that same day, the bottom drops out of our Camelot when Jim Crane fires A.J. Hinch and Jeff Luhnow. Yep, that happened.
Sixteen days later, Dusty Baker is named our new manager. Turns out he's not dead, just 71. Four days after that, James Click is the new general manager.
We go to spring training and the words on every reporter's lips are CHEATING and TRASH CANS and TAINTED. It gets old really quick.
People spend actual money buying hats and T-shirts calling us the Houston Asterisks. I was wearing my 2017 championship hat at Disney World in early March when a kid, maybe 17 or 18 told me the Astros sucked. Since I was in line to get my family some food at the Snow White Haus and none of them were in earshot, I told that kid to go **** himself. For the H!
Of course, by mid-March something else took the focus from everything else in the world. The entire season was postponed until August and reduced to 60 games. The playoffs were expanded and no fans were allowed in the stands. We sat in our houses for 4 months watching Korean baseball and pickleball and whatever other BS ESPN could dig up.
When the season started, Justin Verlander got hurt on opening day and didn't pitch for the rest of the season. He's going to miss all of 2021 too. He might never pitch for us again. Our hitting coach Alex Cintron got suspended for 20 games for getting into an altercation with some ****** bag for the A's. Also, the A's boatraced us for the AL West title this year. Yeah, we finished second.
Yordan Alvarez started the year on the DL, came back on August 14 and hit a home run in his first at bat, got hurt again, and missed the rest of the year.
Alex Bregman got hurt in August. He was on the DL a while. So was Altuve. So was Brantley. So was McCullers. Brad Peacock was hurt, then pitched 3 innings, then got hurt again. Altuve had his worst year as a professional and all the haters mocked him for it, claiming he couldn't hit without cheating.
We finished with a losing record, two games under .500. It was a terribly frustrating regular season full of blown leads, terrible bullpen outings, and a lack of clutch hitting.
Oh, and one more thing, guys. Today we're one win away from going back to the World Series.