Mando Brings Lando in Cold, Crashes Exegol Elite 8
So this is your Elite 8, Star Wars fans. Seven characters you've known for at least 40 years, and one you met six months ago.
On Sweet 16 Friday, the sixth-seeded Mandalorian crushed smooth operator Lando Calrissian 72.9%-27.1% to become the only character in the final eight who is not a #1 or #2 seed. Calrissian was scoreboard watching all day while relaxing in the high rollers room at Flotsam Paradise (I was going to say the casino planet from The Last Jedi, but I skip that part every time I watch it and I've forgotten the name). Onlookers noted Calrissian sweating and muttering "This deal's getting worse all the time," between hands of sabaac, although he did win a small fortune when his Idiot's Array beat a natural 23 in the final hand of the day.
And so the Big Beskar Bopper gets the only man quicker on the draw than him, #1 seed Han Solo, who carved up #5 seed Jabba the Hutt into bite-size pieces and fed him to the Rancor in a 97.9%-2.1% laugher. In the first three rounds of the tournament, Solo's opponents have combined for exactly one vote.
The Mando-Solo winner will take on someone strong in the Force when the Final Four rolls around on Sunday. That's because the top two seeds in the Republic, Rebels, and Resistance bracket are full of sorcerer's ways. Top-seeded Luke Skywalker stopped the Cinderella run of #13 Rosario Dawson 68.8%-31.2% and will face #2 seed Obi-Wan Kenobi, who handled #3 Princess Leia (Obi-Wan, you dog!) 89.4%-10.6%. So it will come to pass that the master takes on the student, but also the student takes on the guy who took off three of his father's four limbs and stole his lightsaber, only to later get killed by the father, but opted not to tell the student that the student was the son of the father, only to have the father then cut off the student's arm who lost his lightsaber, then in an ironic twist of fate the student cut off the father's arm after learning he was the father, and having the master - now a ghost - admit he had been spreading fake news about the father to the student. Then the student took the grandson of the father and screwed that all up, but eventually the student and the father and the master all whispered some words of encouragement in this chick's ear to defeat the real bad guy.
Speaking of convoluted relationships, the Men in Black Regional Final will pit #1 seed Darth Vader against #2 seed Emperor Palpatine. The senator from Naboo struggled against his granddaughter's platonic smoochy-smooch partner for most of the day before getting his Sith together to post a 56.2%-43.8% victory over #3 seed Kylo Ren. Meanwhile, Vader treated #4 seed Darth Maul like the one-trick pony he is with an easy 87.5%-12.5% victory.
The winner of the Sith slumber party will duke it out against either the greatest Jedi Master who ever lived or a walking carpet. #1 seed Yoda and #2 seed Chewbacca both posted easy wins in the Sweet 16 matchups. Yoda treated #5 K2SO like the Tin Man without his oil can in a 79.2%-20.8% victory. Chewbacca would have ripped R2D2's arms out of his sockets if he had arms ... well he has that grabby thing he used to get Luke's Nutragrain bar away from Yoda that time, but does that really count? Remember the good old days when R2 had 2 legs, some funny noises, and that one little arm/taser thing? Suddenly in the prequels he's flying and fighting super battle droids and ejecting himself from a cockpit (that sounds nasty) with no problem. Then in the sequels he mostly sits there doing nothing. It's like he's a paranoid schizophrenic. Anyway, Chewie clobbered him 77.1%-22.9%. Talk about letting the Wookiee win! (snare drum/cymbal)
The Elite Eight starts in a few moments.
I have spoken.
Elite 8 Matchups
#1 Luke Skywalker vs. #2 Obi-Wan Kenobi
#1 Han Solo vs. #6 The Mandalorian
#1 Darth Vader vs. #2 Palpatine
#1 Yoda vs. #2 Chewbacca
