Update: Woman txtd wife to apologize for the detail they shared. And, that they were seeking a counselor, and are encouraged by the communication coming about.
TDLR; married couple lacking intimacy sought our help. We couldn't relate, and had a hard time providing good advice.
We recently celebrated our 19th anniversary(yes a brag), and I assume our milestone prompted our church to ask if we would sit down with a younger couple going through some problems. Yesterday, we met with said couple. We came away very grateful of our own, but sad for them. We didn't seem to know how to answer to their primary issue. So, I come here to the all knowing GB for bad advice:
This couple has been married for 10 years. Male is 35, wife is 31, and they have 2 boys under 5. When they first met, he was single, she was dating a guy over 2 years. After a few months of talking and getting to know each other, she broke it off with the boyfriend, and they started dating. They married 2 yrs later.
Their biggest issue is the bedroom. The husband says sex is very important to him, but feels like the wife doesn't desire him. They have sex 1-2 per week, but he feels like she is just 'doing it' to appease him. That if he didn't initiate she would go a few weeks or longer without any need. We asked her if there was any truth to his comment, and she said sex just wasn't important to her. That she still wanted it, but didn't need it all the time. Husband then brought up her relationship before him. Said that she and her friends would talk/laugh about how much sex she was having with this guy (before they started dating), and wondered why it was never that way with him. The wife started crying, and said "that was over 12 yrs ago. That relationship was all lust. It was primal. There was no real love there. I love you for so much more than just sex."
Well, that didn't sit well with the husband. I kinda cringed when I heard "primal" too. So, it had to sting. I stated it looked like he was jealous of the ex, and that after 10 yrs of faithful marriage he needed to get over that crap. Again, he brought up that desire is not felt, and sex is just a function for her out of obligation to him. He said he lusts for her, and wonders why she can't for him. Her response was that marriage isn't supposed to have lust. That love is supposed to be intimate not primal; her desire for him is not a lustful one. We asked what she meant by that and she struggled to answer. My wife and I both looked at each other with raised brows.I knew we couldn't really offer any real advice, but told them our marriage had desire, trust, love, confidence, and understanding. We also made them aware there were going to be times where it seemed intimacy was in the backseat, but you both worked to bring it back through communication. At the same time, we suggested they seek professional counseling since their conflict was so emotional
Edit to add both are very attractive, educated, and have professional employment
Thoughts? They are really nice people. Seemed genuine, and you could tell they loved each other a lot. Hopefully, just a rough patch.
TDLR; married couple lacking intimacy sought our help. We couldn't relate, and had a hard time providing good advice.
We recently celebrated our 19th anniversary(yes a brag), and I assume our milestone prompted our church to ask if we would sit down with a younger couple going through some problems. Yesterday, we met with said couple. We came away very grateful of our own, but sad for them. We didn't seem to know how to answer to their primary issue. So, I come here to the all knowing GB for bad advice:
This couple has been married for 10 years. Male is 35, wife is 31, and they have 2 boys under 5. When they first met, he was single, she was dating a guy over 2 years. After a few months of talking and getting to know each other, she broke it off with the boyfriend, and they started dating. They married 2 yrs later.
Their biggest issue is the bedroom. The husband says sex is very important to him, but feels like the wife doesn't desire him. They have sex 1-2 per week, but he feels like she is just 'doing it' to appease him. That if he didn't initiate she would go a few weeks or longer without any need. We asked her if there was any truth to his comment, and she said sex just wasn't important to her. That she still wanted it, but didn't need it all the time. Husband then brought up her relationship before him. Said that she and her friends would talk/laugh about how much sex she was having with this guy (before they started dating), and wondered why it was never that way with him. The wife started crying, and said "that was over 12 yrs ago. That relationship was all lust. It was primal. There was no real love there. I love you for so much more than just sex."
Well, that didn't sit well with the husband. I kinda cringed when I heard "primal" too. So, it had to sting. I stated it looked like he was jealous of the ex, and that after 10 yrs of faithful marriage he needed to get over that crap. Again, he brought up that desire is not felt, and sex is just a function for her out of obligation to him. He said he lusts for her, and wonders why she can't for him. Her response was that marriage isn't supposed to have lust. That love is supposed to be intimate not primal; her desire for him is not a lustful one. We asked what she meant by that and she struggled to answer. My wife and I both looked at each other with raised brows.I knew we couldn't really offer any real advice, but told them our marriage had desire, trust, love, confidence, and understanding. We also made them aware there were going to be times where it seemed intimacy was in the backseat, but you both worked to bring it back through communication. At the same time, we suggested they seek professional counseling since their conflict was so emotional
Edit to add both are very attractive, educated, and have professional employment
Thoughts? They are really nice people. Seemed genuine, and you could tell they loved each other a lot. Hopefully, just a rough patch.