Doomed Marriage or Bump in the Road?

67,226 Views | 372 Replies | Last: 4 yr ago by Cromagnum
austinrb10
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Update: Woman txtd wife to apologize for the detail they shared. And, that they were seeking a counselor, and are encouraged by the communication coming about.


TDLR; married couple lacking intimacy sought our help. We couldn't relate, and had a hard time providing good advice.

We recently celebrated our 19th anniversary(yes a brag), and I assume our milestone prompted our church to ask if we would sit down with a younger couple going through some problems. Yesterday, we met with said couple. We came away very grateful of our own, but sad for them. We didn't seem to know how to answer to their primary issue. So, I come here to the all knowing GB for bad advice:

This couple has been married for 10 years. Male is 35, wife is 31, and they have 2 boys under 5. When they first met, he was single, she was dating a guy over 2 years. After a few months of talking and getting to know each other, she broke it off with the boyfriend, and they started dating. They married 2 yrs later.

Their biggest issue is the bedroom. The husband says sex is very important to him, but feels like the wife doesn't desire him. They have sex 1-2 per week, but he feels like she is just 'doing it' to appease him. That if he didn't initiate she would go a few weeks or longer without any need. We asked her if there was any truth to his comment, and she said sex just wasn't important to her. That she still wanted it, but didn't need it all the time. Husband then brought up her relationship before him. Said that she and her friends would talk/laugh about how much sex she was having with this guy (before they started dating), and wondered why it was never that way with him. The wife started crying, and said "that was over 12 yrs ago. That relationship was all lust. It was primal. There was no real love there. I love you for so much more than just sex."

Well, that didn't sit well with the husband. I kinda cringed when I heard "primal" too. So, it had to sting. I stated it looked like he was jealous of the ex, and that after 10 yrs of faithful marriage he needed to get over that crap. Again, he brought up that desire is not felt, and sex is just a function for her out of obligation to him. He said he lusts for her, and wonders why she can't for him. Her response was that marriage isn't supposed to have lust. That love is supposed to be intimate not primal; her desire for him is not a lustful one. We asked what she meant by that and she struggled to answer. My wife and I both looked at each other with raised brows.I knew we couldn't really offer any real advice, but told them our marriage had desire, trust, love, confidence, and understanding. We also made them aware there were going to be times where it seemed intimacy was in the backseat, but you both worked to bring it back through communication. At the same time, we suggested they seek professional counseling since their conflict was so emotional

Edit to add both are very attractive, educated, and have professional employment

Thoughts? They are really nice people. Seemed genuine, and you could tell they loved each other a lot. Hopefully, just a rough patch.
SidetrackAg
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Post some pics of wife, may be able to help out

Edit for info. I haz the dumbs
MonkeyKnifeFighter
How long do you want to ignore this user?
tennisag13
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Tough situation. Probably not the best place to ask for advice though.
Tatem
How long do you want to ignore this user?
page uno
mrad85
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Did she have nice cans?


Geralt of Rivia
How long do you want to ignore this user?
S
tennisag13 said:

Tough situation. Probably not the best place to ask for advice though.
This definitely IS the best place to ask for advice
Lonestar06
How long do you want to ignore this user?
Wtf I don't remember going to counseling.
OregonAggie
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Corinthians 7 5

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I think it means **** like rabbits unless you need to pray, then have sex again so Satan doesn't tempt you to sex someone other than your spouse. This ****s biblical man.
Milwaukees Best Light
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Dude probably can't get it done with his little worm, but I can get it done with my super sperm.
wbt5845
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
The problem started right here.

Quote:

We recently celebrated our 19th anniversary(yes a brag), and I assume our milestone prompted our church to ask if we would sit down with a younger couple going through some problems.

Just because you've been married 19 years doesn't make you a marriage counselor. My wife and I have been married 28 years and wouldn't think we're qualified. We are world class experts on exactly one relationship - ours - and rank amateurs on all the others.
Aries
How long do you want to ignore this user?
The husband sounds stupid.
AliasMan02
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
I expected HBCanine to have chimed in by now.
Schrute
How long do you want to ignore this user?
Sounds like a case where the wife is hot and the husband has a small peen. But I'm no therapist.
MonkeyKnifeFighter
How long do you want to ignore this user?
DevilD77
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Depends on if the husband can accept his wife's feelings about sex. My wife is much the same way and we working on year 41.
mrad85
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG


Maybe this will spice it up for them?
bmc13
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
someone needs to tell her marriage can have lust

did I you ask how much they did it earlier in the relationship
gigemJTH12
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
bmc13 said:


did I you ask how much they did it earlier in the relationship
this was my question.

If she was banging the other dude more often it makes since. She was like 19 years old.

Curious how often this married couple was doing it early on.
AliasMan02
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
I bet she has a weird kink that she's ashamed to bring up to him.

Duncan Idaho
How long do you want to ignore this user?
It simply sounds like the husband doesn't know how to ****. He wants to make love, she wants to ****. It is as simple as that.

Maybe he should learn how to ****.

Maybe she should teach him how to ****.

Because she is going to end up finding someone that will **** her.
gigemJTH12
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Duncan Idaho said:

It simply sounds like the husband doesn't know how to ****. He wants to make love, she wants to ****. It is as simple as that.

Maybe he should learn how to ****.

Maybe she should teach him how to ****.

Because she is going to end up finding someone that will **** her.
it doesnt sound like that at all. It sounds like she wants neither.

If she the girl you described, she would be wanting to have sex, and telling him how to do it.
austinrb10
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
I completely agree. It was awkward, and we were very off-guard. I'm not sure the pastor knew the depth of the issue either, and was just looking to provide support for them. Hence, our reasoning for instructing the couple to seek professional guidance.
Duncan Idaho
How long do you want to ignore this user?
She isn't interested in sex with him. The "primal" comment shows she wants to ****.

If it is more than wanting a good ****, it is wanting a good **** by a guy she wants to ****. I'd guess he is fat or a wuss.
ClickClack
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
I would've told her that a marriage should have lust and "primal" feelings. Not every day, like you said that stuff ebbs and flows, but there are definitely days it feels primal for us. But that has been kept up through communication - what we like, meeting her emotional needs, etc.
Martin Q. Blank
How long do you want to ignore this user?
austinrb10 said:

TDLR
Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation
powerbelly
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Quote:


Thoughts? They are really nice people. Seemed genuine, and you could tell they loved each other a lot. Hopefully, just a rough patch.
They probably need to go to a real marriage counselor, not some random couple at church.
OregonAggie
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
Are there differences in the attractiveness of the two parties? That certainly can make a difference if he's fat and she isn't.
GigEmBevo
How long do you want to ignore this user?
Sounds like she thinks he is a little boring.
austinrb10
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
This was asked. Actually brought up by the husband. They've always been 1-2 weekly whereas her former relationship was almost daily.
proc
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
There are hundreds of reasons why she and he could be having issues so it is difficult to speculate. If they are both believers in the Bible, Song of Solomon can give them a lot of answers. Any faith based marriage can overcome issues if they communicate and work on it together.

Marriage is hard work, by both sides. Any other approach will lead to disappointment.
Talon2DSO
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
They have sex 1-2 a week??? Sounds like a great problem to have
The Collective
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
She is 30s. If she isn't putting out now and enjoying it, then I have my doubts that she ever was early in their marriage. Hard to give good advice (being good at something doesn't make me a counselor), but both people are way too self-focused. They both misunderstand what lust is... I find this is pretty common amongst Christians, especially females who had lots of premarital sexing and now suffer with whatever guilt they won't let go off because of it.

edit to add, it sounds like the husband is part of her guilt issue with her past. Bringing it up at all is way out of bounds, imo. He needs to let it go and work on their problems.
Frederick Palowaski
How long do you want to ignore this user?
AG
she sounds like she gives unenthusiastic handjays.
FTAggies
How long do you want to ignore this user?
Well if she wants to keep his eyes at home she should probably initiate something, maybe once a week, even if it's planned. They just need a compromise, and she should be willing to make the effort to somehwat placate him.
 
×
subscribe Verify your student status
See Subscription Benefits
Trial only available to users who have never subscribed or participated in a previous trial.