I am on my way back from Vegas and didn’t get an upgrade to 1st class, so I am jammed in the back of a Continental flight hoping that they close the door asap since there is no one in the seat next to me (I am in the aisle seat). That’s when I hear it. The unmistakable sound of a grotesquely fat sack of goo’s thunderous footsteps coming down the jetway towards the plane. I think the plane actually began to slightly rock as this Oreo hoarding tub of sheet approached the door. As this rhino thighed hump landed the first hoof on board he gasped and nearly sucked all the oxygen off the freaking plane al la Chuck Norris. I couldn’t quite see him yet as there was a hillbilly sitting in front of me with a hat he stole from that crazy old neck who used to be on Gunsmoke (more on the rodeo crowd who was in town later). The guy sitting in the window seat had a horrified look on his face and muttered something to the effect of, “awww fock”. A quick glance around confirmed that the slowly approaching, heavy sweating, chimichanga nuking Orcan was in fact inbound to the seat in-between me and the poor ******* sitting in the window seat. When Kong (referred to as SOG – Sack of Goo from here on out) was about 15 rows away the guy sitting behind me just started laughing his a$$ off, uncontrollably. He continued to laugh as he verbally noted that SOG had a rather large bag of fast food which he was clutching like it was the hope diamond (he had a bag in the other which turned out to be a travel scrabble game). SOG couldn’t hear him as he had taken a break at aisle 23 to rest, I actually thought me might down one of the three burgers he had crammed into his feedbag. As SOG finished his cool down and began sauntering towards me he came into my full view.
Couple observations here: First, this guy was at least 4 bills and might have made 5 hundy after mowing down the grub in the feed bag he had in his paws. Second, dude had a serious case of gator arms which was further accentuated by the set of meat curtains he called a chest. Third, this guy hadn’t seen his crank in years due to the heinous keg fuda jutting out like patch’s deek at an SPCA open house. Fourth, SOG had alarmingly small feet, I mean dude was pretty skilled at balancing all that goo on those size 8’s, oh, and big surprise that SOG was sans socks and his shoes were untied.
When SOG arrived at row 31 I had already grudgingly accepted my fate and had rose out of my seat to let him collapse into the middle seat. Guy in the window seat was just staring blankly into the bulkhead shaking his head and the guy in the seat behind me was pretty much weeping from laughing so hard. That laughter would soon change to horror as SOG had brought a few friends with him on board. Their names were a$$ funk, horrific body odor, & sleep apnea.
Needless to say after they long thirty yard hike from the terminal to the plane, SOG was ready to cover down on some grub. Before ordering the belt extender to secure his gargantuan ass to the seat he already had a couple dozen fries smashed into his enormous pie hole. That’s when I realized that this guy smelled like rancid cheese from a goat’s nuts. I almost laughed but realized I was going to smell this for the next 2 ½ hours. I had lost sight of the dude in the window seat and feared for his well being especially if SOG mistakenly identified any of his fingers as fries. Shortly after take off SOG basically sheets his size 68W trousers. I can’t state it any other way. Dude, grunted and the sound that followed basically equated to mud hitting curtains. I heard something from the guy by the window but do to the distance the sound had to travel around SOG I couldn’t tell what the hell it was. I started belly laughing as did several around us including the guy behind me who had not stopped laughing since SOG arrived. SOG didn’t seem to care at all and continued his feast. The smell that followed can only be described as Chile Releno A$$. All laughter ceased and I actually thought I might vomit, my biggest fear was that this guys a$$ funk might knock the plane out of the sky. We had several more NBC a$$ releases from SOG an all were equally devastating. I stood in the galley for most of the flight. When I returned to my seat SOG was in a cheeseburger induced coma and was snoring very loudly and was sweating profusely. His travel scrabble game was littered all over his carcass and there were letters in my seat and on the floor. I still couldn’t see the guy in the window seat but was sure he was dead by now. I returned to the galley to ask the attendant if I could sit in one of their jump seats for the remainder of the flight and she just burst out laughing and apologized.
Anyhow, I hate fat people and travel scrabble.
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
- George Orwell
Couple observations here: First, this guy was at least 4 bills and might have made 5 hundy after mowing down the grub in the feed bag he had in his paws. Second, dude had a serious case of gator arms which was further accentuated by the set of meat curtains he called a chest. Third, this guy hadn’t seen his crank in years due to the heinous keg fuda jutting out like patch’s deek at an SPCA open house. Fourth, SOG had alarmingly small feet, I mean dude was pretty skilled at balancing all that goo on those size 8’s, oh, and big surprise that SOG was sans socks and his shoes were untied.
When SOG arrived at row 31 I had already grudgingly accepted my fate and had rose out of my seat to let him collapse into the middle seat. Guy in the window seat was just staring blankly into the bulkhead shaking his head and the guy in the seat behind me was pretty much weeping from laughing so hard. That laughter would soon change to horror as SOG had brought a few friends with him on board. Their names were a$$ funk, horrific body odor, & sleep apnea.
Needless to say after they long thirty yard hike from the terminal to the plane, SOG was ready to cover down on some grub. Before ordering the belt extender to secure his gargantuan ass to the seat he already had a couple dozen fries smashed into his enormous pie hole. That’s when I realized that this guy smelled like rancid cheese from a goat’s nuts. I almost laughed but realized I was going to smell this for the next 2 ½ hours. I had lost sight of the dude in the window seat and feared for his well being especially if SOG mistakenly identified any of his fingers as fries. Shortly after take off SOG basically sheets his size 68W trousers. I can’t state it any other way. Dude, grunted and the sound that followed basically equated to mud hitting curtains. I heard something from the guy by the window but do to the distance the sound had to travel around SOG I couldn’t tell what the hell it was. I started belly laughing as did several around us including the guy behind me who had not stopped laughing since SOG arrived. SOG didn’t seem to care at all and continued his feast. The smell that followed can only be described as Chile Releno A$$. All laughter ceased and I actually thought I might vomit, my biggest fear was that this guys a$$ funk might knock the plane out of the sky. We had several more NBC a$$ releases from SOG an all were equally devastating. I stood in the galley for most of the flight. When I returned to my seat SOG was in a cheeseburger induced coma and was snoring very loudly and was sweating profusely. His travel scrabble game was littered all over his carcass and there were letters in my seat and on the floor. I still couldn’t see the guy in the window seat but was sure he was dead by now. I returned to the galley to ask the attendant if I could sit in one of their jump seats for the remainder of the flight and she just burst out laughing and apologized.
Anyhow, I hate fat people and travel scrabble.
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
- George Orwell
