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It has been much harder than we ever thought it would be and we knew it would be difficult. (Sorry to be vague)
I think we (married couples) are all surprised and possibly overwhelmed at how difficult it would be to raise a family.
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I think there is definitely work to do in our marriage. And work that I need to do as a husband. But my wife mentioned how she felt she had lost her identity. That after work and being a mom and a wife, there wasn't any room for her to be her. She recently had a birthday and I think there may be some things she's working through. It made me sad to hear this and I have committed myself to helping her where I can. I shared with her about how I grew up with probably a pretty poor example of a marriage IMO. My parents have been married for over 40 years but they fought quite a bit and threats (even divorce) were hurled too often. It's kind of incredible they've lasted this long. On one hand they are an inspiration. On another I can look at it and say with honesty "that is not the kind of marriage I want". Not only that but the situation my parents had was entirely different than mine and my wife's. It also made me stop and think, "what example are we setting for our children?" That was a kick in the butt that really got my attention.
There's really not one correct way to raise a child, just pick your battles and realize that not everything is about what she really thinks. Some of it is about how was she raised as a kid.
I think kids are pretty resilient and understand far more than we give them credit for. It's how they see you deal with conflict that will teach them how to deal with it. I read something about this that makes total sense, how you treat their mother will effectively teach them how to treat a woman and vice versa.
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Good news! I've made arrangements for the kids Friday evening and I'm taking her out on a date. We'll only have a few hours but I'm hoping it allows us to connect and we can go from there. I know this isn't an overnight fix. I fully intend on introducing many of the references and thoughts here to her in hope that we can start to really work on us as a couple and that I can be a better and more supportive husband - I can't control everything, but I can control what I do.
Don't short change yourself. By coming on here and admitting that you need help is huge and so is both of your wills to try to rediscover yourselves with one another. Whether it be 1 hour, a day or a weekend, it's uninterrupted time that counts the most. Cherish it! Once you start bickering about dumb stuff, you know it's time to schedule some one-on-one time.
For the record, I've been married for 16 years and currently have two kids under the age of 10. No matter how many kids you have or how old they (or you are), it changes your household dramatically. I'm not here to preach but just relay a bit of our struggles so you can see that everyone struggles just the same. It's what you do with that frustration that defines your marriage.
Over the years I've learned quite a bit with the most important one being communication. My wife is the one who is trying to manage her anger issues and I cannot stand anger because my dad was constantly angry when I was a kid. I've gotten angry about her anger which is sooo counter intuitive but in the heat of the battle everything seems so logical. I've also recently stopped taking score meaning you have a running calculator in your mind of everything that you do in the household vs what she does in the household. You will do more than your fair share at some point in your marriage just like she will do more at some points as well. It's a marriage, not a business partnership.
We recently had a discussion where she felt like she was doing more than her fair share of the work, but it wasn't really about that. She is a SAHM and was overwhelmed by everything that she had to do. A hug is what worked the best to first sympathize and then get her to start talking about what was troubling her. Sometimes a person just wants to vent but doesn't know how. You shouldn't take any offense to what she says when she vents; just listen. I used to have a short fuse about her saying things about me that weren't true, but it's not always the reality, that's just how she was feeling. One marriage misconception is that one partner doesn't understand what the other one is going through. At the end of the day, you're in this together; if there is no understanding, that means you're not talking enough.
I also recommend
The Love Dare book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. There's some really good advice on what to do if you think your marriage is in shambles. I don't know that you'd get a lot of the movie since it might not pertain to your situation, but it does kind of help to reinforce ideas from the book.
My wife is a career woman disguised as a SAHM and her time to rejoin the workforce is coming ever so closer. I'm fully aware that our household dynamic is once again going to change and hopefully we'll be able to navigate through those treacherous waters as a team.
Lastly, I pray for your marriage and those that are facing divorce reconsider for your own peace and sanity and those of your children. Good luck!
The conversations will be uncomfortable, but we all have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for progress to be made.
. I don't disagree with maintaining composure in front of his children and that he should not be seeking to inflict maximum pain upon his wife, emotionally, financially, etc.