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No one is advocating the usage of anger as foolish and ill-advised. When Solo uses it, he is referring to a righteous "fury" and zeal to accomplish the goal.

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Solo even said he should be prepared to show no mercy. That's not "righteous", especially since Christ explicitly called us to show mercy because the Father shows mercy.

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He (and I) also advocate calling out someone for their sins and risk turning them away even further if it protects the children.

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Nobody is arguing against calling out sin. I'm arguing against an approach that is explicitly rejected by Christ.

BTW, I'm certainly not trying to argue, but I just think that it's important to guard against certain urges and emotions that lead us to behavior that is not in accordance to how Christians should act. I totally get the desire to "show no mercy" and to go after the wife, but that's not imitating Christ. Hosea and Gomer are such a beautiful story because it reflects the love God has for us. I think we need to be more like Hosea and less like the world.

RetiredAg said:

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I agree that righteous anger isn't inherently wrong. It's what we let that "righteous anger" lead us to do that becomes a problem. Such as...

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As harsh as it sounds, he must be ready to show no mercy because I doubt his wife will be giving any herself.

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Christ said for us to be merciful, just as the Father is merciful. We are to forgive seventy times seven, and never seek revenge. Blessed are those who are merciful, for they will receive mercy.

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If it was only him, I wouldn't disagree.

But he can not afford to do so for the sake of his children.

Solo Tetherball Champ said:

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RetiredAg said:

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I agree that righteous anger isn't inherently wrong. It's what we let that "righteous anger" lead us to do that becomes a problem. Such as...

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As harsh as it sounds, he must be ready to show no mercy because I doubt his wife will be giving any herself.

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Christ said for us to be merciful, just as the Father is merciful. We are to forgive seventy times seven, and never seek revenge. Blessed are those who are merciful, for they will receive mercy.

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If it was only him, I wouldn't disagree.

But he can not afford to do so for the sake of his children.

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Okay, but that's just not consistent with Christ's teachings. He can stand up for his children while also being a witness to Christ and showing mercy.

swimmerbabe11 said:

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A bad wife =/= a bad mother

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I don't necessarily agree. One builds upon the other. But that is a different discussion.

The wife in this case has already felt like she is losing herself in being a mother. I have been witness to the aftermath of several divorces in which the woman felt that way, and I have seen her fight for and win custody of the children and witnessed the children suffer for it.

He must resolve himself to do everything to protect his children.

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Solo even said he should be prepared to show no mercy. That's not "righteous", especially since Christ explicitly called us to show mercy because the Father shows mercy.

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I think you're being a little bit pedantic. "Show no mercy" is generally used as a euphemism for defeat your opponent and don't allow them to defeat you. No one is condemning her to hell or anything, and protections must be made for the children.

Showing mercy can looking like "You will get visitation as I see fit, as in you stop doing destructive behaviors that might hurt our children". Showing mercy is not allowing for joint custody.

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A bad wife =/= a bad mother

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In General, this might be a correct statement, but I don't see how it can used here. Considerable risk was added to the child's lives by potentially involving someone of questionable morals.

Except when I voiced my objection to his "show no mercy" position, he didn't say I was being pedantic and that it was a euphemism. He said that if there were no kids involved, then he'd agree. He didn't object to my understanding to what he said, but just created an exception that isn't found in Christ's teachings.

diehard03 said:

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A bad wife =/= a bad mother

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In General, this might be a correct statement, but I don't see how it can used here. Considerable risk was added to the child's lives by potentially involving someone of questionable morals.

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We have very limited information, but there is no reason to believe that the kid's lives were put in any danger. She left town. If she were moving in with the dude, then yes, absolutely fight for them not to be allowed to have them overnight. If she's gonna be going out and partying every night, then okay. So far, she left town a couple of times...other dude might not even know her real name.

In fairness a connvicted drug felon could be a cartel coke mule or an 18 year old caught with more than an ounce headed to a party. Guys should definitely fight for his kids and not making any comment on that stuff or anybody's character

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In fairness a conservative nvicted drug felon could be a cartel coke mule or an 18 year old caught with more than an ounce headed to a party. Guys should definitely fight for his kids and not making any comment on that stuff or anybody's character

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Nope. Dude spent time in jail on a drug offense and was willing to sleep with someone elses wife. (there's no way he didn't know). Hell, even discounting him, HER willing to sleep around is enough of a character issue that I don't want joint custody.

it's not about just impugning someones character. it's about protecting young children. I can afford to consider all the facts after I have full custody.

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I am willing to bet that as poor as poor a wife as this woman is, she is not much of a mother either. There is more to parenting than simply soccer practice and changing diapers.

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I think this a bit of a stretch. It's sufficient to simply that poor decision making in one's personal life reflects on expected decision making on behalf of children.

RetiredAg said:

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The best revenge in this scenario will be a life well lived. Going to church, being the best father you can be, being patient and loving and forgiving in any time that you can, moving on, improving yourself, etc.

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Agreed, and this also provides the best opportunity for reconciliation. Reconciliation should always be the goal, IMO, because that's always God's desire with us. It's why I always think of Hosea and Gomer at times like this.

I know reconciliation may seem impossible right now, but we never know what the future may bring, especially after she wakes up one day regretting her course. In the meantime, just be the most devoted father, husband (even in divorce) and follower of Christ possible.

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Just wanted to highlight this. This is the goal. I know numerous couples that have reconciled and it's not easy but it's not impossible either. It takes two to reconcile though, so this may never be possible. Only forgiveness will help you move on and while easy to say, this will be a long and painful journey.

We will keep praying for you and your children for the years ahead and for her as well. I'll pray for wisdom and patience, especially with your children because they won't understand but also because you'll be exhausted and tired without someone to relieve you in conflict and aid you in resolution.

I would suggest you stop posting details here. Nothing good will come and you're only giving her leverage.

I can't say I follow your strategy, but it's your life to lead. We will all continue to pray for you.

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It is cathartic for me to talk or write about it

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We know it is, but this will be used against you in court if it's discovered.

diehard03 said:

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I can't say I follow your strategy, but it's your life to lead. We will all continue to pray for you.

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What do you mean as far as strategy? What would you do differently I guess?

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I would suggest you stop posting details here. Nothing good will come and you're only giving her leverage.

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Fair point.

Thanks for the thoughts (and prayers).

TrueAggie2004 said:

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OP here.

Thank you for all the comments and support. I know many people get divorced and mine is nothing special. It is cathartic for me to talk or write about it. So thanks for listening/reading.

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I hate this is happening for you.

Having been through a custody fight, I have one very important piece of advice for you: Get as good a lawyer as you can afford. And by afford I mean figure out a number and then stretch beyond it. You want to bring a bazooka to a knife fight, and yes it matters.

Custody fights (in a court room now, not in person or in front of the kids) are bare knuckle, no holds barred things.

Take nothing your ex says at face value. Assume that she is going to move to Austin and shack up with the felon druggie and you have to fight to keep your kids safe. Do not leave anything to chance. Do not assume "she would never do that", after all you never thought she would cheat on you. Try to have every variable locked down. Trust hitched a ride to Austin with your ex and stayed there, and compromise is a 4 letter word.

How you split up the marital assets is one thing. Your children however, are THE most important thing in this entire event.

This might not be what you want to hear and might get me a lot of pushback from other posters, but this has been my experience.

Thanks for the reply.
I feel like I hired a pretty good attorney. They have been super responsive and I've been pleased thus far. They were able to file the same day I hired them and that was important to me.

The kids are my entire focus. She won't be able to move to Austin. At least not with the kids. She will have a court order prohibiting her from leaving not just the county but the school district. Those restrictions apply to both of us as far as the kids are concerned. She also has a son from a previous marriage and she's under the same restrictions. Between his dad and me, I'm pretty sure she isn't leaving with the kids. And if she tries, we're back in court and she knows I will fight like hell.

As far as Mr. Wonderful, I'm not certain how much I can do to keep them from being around him and vice versa. I've researched this and it appears that once divorced I really have little control who she chooses to being into contact with my children, except for child abusers or drug abusers. His history of being a drug dealer, while in the distant past, is alarming and I think could show some grounds. Believe me...I'd love to make sure he's never around them.

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What do you mean as far as strategy? What would you do differently I guess?

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Not knowing the nuances of everything, I am struggling to find a reason to not push for sole custody with supervised visitation rights in your case. This doesn't sound like a situation where playing nice for the kids (like what ATM is saying) is warranted, but I maybe projecting. There's a difference between being vindictive and wanting to hurt her in retaliation and trying to provide adequate protection from someone in a bad mental situation.

diehard03 said:

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What do you mean as far as strategy? What would you do differently I guess?

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Not knowing the nuances of everything, I am struggling to find a reason to not push for sole custody with supervised visitation rights in your case. This doesn't sound like a situation where playing nice for the kids (like what ATM is saying) is warranted, but I maybe projecting. There's a difference between being vindictive and wanting to hurt her in retaliation and trying to provide adequate protection from someone in a bad mental situation.

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To be clear, protecting your kids and being civil are 2 very distinct things in my view and should overlap little if at all on a Venn diagram. In other words, don't take divorce proceedings personally. You can fight like hell to protect your kids, but make sure you ask the question is this action about protecting my kids or is it about sticking it to my wife. I think it is possible and important to remain civil outside of a courtroom no matter what though.

diehard03 said:

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What do you mean as far as strategy? What would you do differently I guess?

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Not knowing the nuances of everything, I am struggling to find a reason to not push for sole custody with supervised visitation rights in your case. This doesn't sound like a situation where playing nice for the kids (like what ATM is saying) is warranted, but I maybe projecting. There's a difference between being vindictive and wanting to hurt her in retaliation and trying to provide adequate protection from someone in a bad mental situation.

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Based on the advice I've received sole custody, for either parent, is a bit of a stretch. She hurt me and deserted her kids, both physically and emotionally, in the process, but I'm not sure that will go far in getting sole custody.

But I do see your point. I've considered a lot of things, including asking that the court request for her to submit to a mandatory drug test. It's hard to understand what's been going on with her since it does seems like an abrupt change in behavior.

On the other hand, It's not like she is a meth addict that left the kids in the car while she went around the corner and traded her body for dope. Unfortunately, given the perception (and it is changing somewhat, slowly) mom's still hold quite the trump card in court.

She keeps defending herself saying, "I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a bad person." The fact that she has to keep saying (telling herself) that says something.

How does one define what it means to be a good mother?

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"I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a bad person."

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None of this really matters, honestly.

This fight isn't about right or wrong, really. Its about rights. She has rights. You have rights. The kids have (some, but not many, in a practical sense) rights. The court is going to try to find the balance between those conflicting sets of rights, ostensibly in the best interests of the kids.

Fundamentally courts are loathe to restrict anyone's rights without a really good reason to do so. On the surface at least this is good.

From a practical perspective it always seemed to me that the kids (when younger) were treated by the courts as if they were a favorite couch that the parents were going to split time sitting on. In other words, the primary concern was for the parents' rights and the kids' were secondary.

My point is simply to say that looking at the courts as moral arbiters or a source of right/wrong/justice is a fools errand. The court's primary function is to balance everyone's competing rights until someone screws up so badly that the court can't ignore it (which you honestly have to hope never happens).

Keep in mind that your situation may seem really important or even egregious to you, but the judge has seen a parade of human debris come through before and after you, and your nice, suburban middle class complaints are hard to take seriously when the case before you featured some person that left their used heroin needles out where the 2 year old found them or some similar human disaster.

Exactly. Well stated.
I have a sister in another state who is an attorney representing parents appealing their parental rights having been revoked by the state. I hear all kinds of stories. An affair (even with someone of a checkered past) will have little influence in a judge. Those are a dime a dozen each day in court.

My wife and I have been trying to reach agreed orders outside of the court. We present it to a judge and he makes sure everyone is in agreement, then it's signed and becomes an order of the court. For me, this seems the best course.

TrueAggie2004 said:

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UPDATE.

It's happened. I'm crushed and this is truly devastating to me.

About a month before I came to post the first message my wife and I sat down and agreed that our marriage was in trouble and needed attention. She had said things about "losing her identity" since the kids came along and that she "needed more me time". Being an understanding husband, I supported her and obliged. When she wanted to go out to dinner with friends or have drinks after work with co-workers I stayed home with the kids. She wanted to take a few trips out of town. Looking back it is obvious - she had an emotional investment somewhere other than with her husband, her marriage or her family.

Eventually I noticed she was frequenting Austin and stronger suspicions began to surface. She met someone one of the times she was up there. They talked for about a month and then she arranged a reason to take a day off work and went up there to have sex with him. A couple weeks later she was ready to do it again. Except I caught her. I did not need another reason to hate Austin, but now I have it. She came home and we talked and argued. This is all my fault by the way. Her behavior after this told me everything I needed to know. She was out. I did a background check on the guy. Felony drug conviction - 2 counts for narcotics. Pleaded out of the higher charge and got 90 days in jail. Also sports 2 foreclosures to his name. Great job honey.

Despite all this, I didn't want to divorce. I was willing to take things slow and try to work through it. I discovered she hired an attorney. I hired one immediately and made sure to file the same day. I wasn't about to be the husband that got cheated on AND served papers.

Obviously, I'm struggling with this. Dealing with the fallout of the affair and the realization that my life is about to abruptly change. I am truly terrified of how my kids will take this. And I am dreading the first "where is mommy?" or "I want mommy" moment.

So that's it.

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Man, I am so sorry to read this thread. You may never really know the true reason why she sacrificed her kids and family for a relationship that almost zero chance of working out long term. When that relationship fails, she may want to come back; you could be faced with a tough decision.

Swimmerbabe made an excellent comment about the best revenge is you leading the best life you can from here on. Although impossible to think about at this point in time, a man who is an excellent father to his kids and lives his life as believer will be incredibly attractive to a different woman in the future.