Screw it. I'm going tonight.

We can start a support group together.

Regardless of what happens the story revolving around the Transformers being on this planet since the middle ages is less bonkers than Patrick Dempsey's family getting rich off of being accountants for the Decepticons in the third one. Or Mark Wahlberg being from Texas.

In 15 years when we're getting ready for Starscream 2: AllSpark Bugaloo and the crossover Bumblebee Meets The Minions!... I'm holding each and everyone of you that see this movie personally responsible

Honestly, I'm kind of shocked by these pleasant reactions. Not because it's a terrible movie, but because - HO. LEESH. IT. - that was, hands down, the WEIRDEST, longest, most randomly nutzo blockbuster I have ever seen in my life. How are you people acting this normal after what we just saw?

Seriously, it's not a terrible movie. Or maybe it is. Either way, I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly strange, random, and especially looong this movie is, with so many plot lines going on that it feels like five different movies in one. Don't get me wrong - it's definitely BAD - but I have never been in such awe and yet so bored and confused at the exact same time.

I just... what the *****did I just watch??? It felt like something I dreamed. I can't get over how simultaneously confusing and nonsensical that was, but also maybe the most coherent of the bunch? It made sense! Kind of!? But I'm also pissed that it did... and yet didn't. I truly can't describe it.

This movie seriously broke my brain like never before.

Anthony Hopkins, for one, is far more game than I ever thought he'd be, to the point where I'm certain he was on drugs during half his scenes. It's the most unexpected performance and one that keeps getting increasingly unhinged. It's just shocking that not only he, but EVERYONE involved - from the cast to the crew to the effects team - put THAT MUCH effort into making something so stupid and disorienting. It's seriously one of the biggest and most audacious blockbusters I've ever seen, but I just can't comprehend devoting 16 hours a day to it for months on end, knowing how utterly insane the foundation was they had to work from. It's just baffling.

I mean, there's what had to be a 20 MINUTE scene toward the beginning of just Whalberg yelling at Autobots in a junk yard, Wahlberg and Jerrod Carmichael yelling at each other in the same junkyard, and then Autobots yelling and wrestling among themselves in the junkyard, where the plot advances in no way whatsoever. It's SO WEIRD. And you're just wondering how on Earth did human beings A) conceive this, and B) think it was ok to just let this scene NEVER END.

There's even a point at which Wahlberg's character gives a motivational speech to a group of soldiers and I sh*t you not he somehow quotes the lyrics from like three different hip hop songs from the '90s unironically. As in, I don't think any writer or filmmaker on set knew they were quoting famous '90s hip hop lyrics and I'm pretty sure one of the lines was from one of Wahlberg's own songs, but there's ZERO wink-factor. This movie is full of sh*t like that. Just a bunch of crazy weird lines and exchanges that make no sense whatsoever. Some you've heard a thousand times before, but shoehorned where they don't belong, and others - so many others - where it feels like you're truly going mad because it's just random words and sentences being spoken that don't form cohesive conversations in any way.

It really does feel like this movie was written by the characters in Idiocracy - like, their idea of what a 21st century Transformers movie was - and then somehow filmed on the biggest budget ever given to any movie in history. It's like they heard that the Transformers movies of the '00s featured incredibly stereotypical, racist robots, and decided to double down on that conceit in particular. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

Overall, I'm not mad and I'm not disappointed. In fact, I kind of even had fun. Yet, at the same time, I feel like the world is absolutely going to end any minute, as long as this is a world in which this kind of movie can exist. I was so embarrassed to even be in theater watching it, and even more embarrassed for humanity after. That said... I wouldn't begrudge anyone for spending money on it, much less actually liking it.

Sex Panther said:

---

In 15 years when we're getting ready for Starscream 2: AllSpark Bugaloo and the crossover Bumblebee Meets The Minions!... I'm holding each and everyone of you that see this movie personally responsible

---

I fully expect to pay for my sins.

This is an incredible review. That is all.

16% on RT

Besides TCTTS' review, these reviews made me chuckle:

"Freed of concerns like plausibility or story, you can simply gape in wonder at the ruthlessly thunderous images in front of you. Maybe that's the feeling of brain cells dying a painful, anguished death" Jake Coyle, Associated Press

"Transformers: The Last Knight isn't so much a film as it is a catalogue of everything wrong with western civilization." William Bibbiani, CraveOnline