"I used to do drugs...I still do, but I used to too."
Mitch Hedberg quotes
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Last: 18 yr ago by txagfred04
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"Aaalll riiiight"
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
"you can talk, just, use your hands"
"Snakebite emergency repair kit.... is a body bag"
"i want it to be 2 easy payments and one payment that's a *****...the stamp will not stick, the envelope will not seal, and the currency will be in the wrong denomination....good luck ****er!"
"One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes."
"we need to embrace the contraction"
my friend asked me, "hey, mitch, would you like a frozen banana?"
i said, "no.... but i would like a regular banana later, so.....yeah."
imo, his funniest joke.
i said, "no.... but i would like a regular banana later, so.....yeah."
imo, his funniest joke.
"im not makin a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich....that will severly ruin my reputation"
"i order a club sandwhich all the time man but im not even a member man, i dont know how i get away with it"
"i order a club sandwhich all the time man but im not even a member man, i dont know how i get away with it"
"I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine."
"fish eat other fish all the time, if fish could scream the ocean would be loud as ****"
Really, it was just some insignificant ****, so now I'm yelling "Man, that tree is far away".
i wish i could play little league now. id kick some ****in ass
"if you ever get lost in the woods, **** it! build a house"
quote:
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son of a *****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"
"i got a buisness card, cause i want to win some lunches"
quote:ok, just listened to it...i butchered it
"i want it to be 2 easy payments and one payment that's a *****...the stamp will not stick, the envelope will not seal, and the currency will be in the wrong denomination....good luck ****er!"
quote:
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
"i saw a commercial for an above ground pool...it was 30 seconds long. you know why? because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool"
"id like to see a forklift lift a bunch of forks...it would be so...literal!"
"A severed foot is an excellent stocking stuffer."
From a live show in Houston
From a live show in Houston
anytime somebody hands me a flyer I feel like asking them "so you want me to throw this away?"
I'm reminded of this everytime I go by the MSC!
I'm reminded of this everytime I go by the MSC!
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever here buying nine apples, f***in’ BAG 'EM UP!”
rip mitch.
rip mitch.
"Never wave at somebody you dont know across a street. What if they dont have any arms? They'll think you're cocky.
"Hey, look what I got, mother****er, these things are useful. I"m gonna go pick something up..."
"Hey, look what I got, mother****er, these things are useful. I"m gonna go pick something up..."
"i like cherries just"
"i rarely drive steamboats dad"
quote:
"I used to do drugs...I still do, but I used to too."
My favorite line of his too, but this one is also a classic:
"I hate tennis...cause I'll never be as good as a wall."
I was standing in front of an emergency exit, and a security guard told me to move. Like I wouldn't run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking an emergency exit.
oops
[This message has been edited by RevSamAg (edited 8/1/2007 2:51a).]
[This message has been edited by RevSamAg (edited 8/1/2007 2:51a).]
"That joke was not funny, but it is ok. I am going to fix it. I am going to take out all the words and put in new ones..."
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up"
"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who'd get really mad if she heard me say that"
"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who'd get really mad if she heard me say that"
"If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat"
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