My niece is dating this dude. Here are some facts.

- They started dating in September.
- This dude lives in an apartment.
- A couple months ago his (most recent) ex-gf moved into the same complex.
- Today he called to say that the apartment floor plan he was interested in moving into was open but the apartment was next door to his ex and he's thinking about taking it.

Let's assume for the sake of the following that:
- no cheating has occurred,
- and that he decides to move into the apartment.

QUESTION: You're my niece. How do you feel about this? What do you do - keep dating him? Set some firm boundaries and then trust that he's adhering to them? Dump him?

First, how old are they, and, second, why hasn't she ended this relationship already?

Her - 30
Him - 32

…is your second question regarding the aforementioned situation? As in, that's your way of saying that you'd dump the guy if you were in her place?

IMO everything about this says that this guy is not that serious about your niece.

Whether that's a problem or not depends on a bunch of info we don't have.

I'm extremely cynical, so take this with a grain of salt. But the proximity is to just too convenient to assume that nothing will ever happen. And the guy might not even intend that, but why create a situation where something could just "happen."

Assuming she's not deeply in love, I'd tell her to cut her losses and move on. If she is, or if there are no other red flags and she sees a long term future with him, then she needs to tell him that this makes her uncomfortable and see how he handles it after that.

They've been dating six months in their 30s. Fun time is over. If this isn't a marriageable prospect just move on now and this isn't something a marriageable man would do.

A 32yo dude living in an apartment sounds like a real winner. She needs to stick with him...he's going places

You're inferring he's not serious about my niece because he would move into the apartment next door to his ex?

The ex informed her bf that she was moving into the complex at the time that it occurred; it was out of his control and he wasn't aware that she was considering it.

Is the dude moving there assuming that niece will pay a significant part of the rent? If not, she can stfu and probably move on to someone else. If so, she needs to have a say in this. If she doesn't get a say, she should gtfo. In short, she should probably gtfo.

Perhaps she is gordo and this is her peak. If so, maybe latch onto homeboy and get herself pregnant before it is too late. Gravy train don't wait.

FIDO*98* said:

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A 32yo dude living in an apartment sounds like a real winner. She needs to stick with him...he's going places

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Your judgment about someone living in an apartment is out of touch and unnecessary.

This post hasn't grabbed me

She is not paying any portion of his rent.

And gordo people are equally deserving of love and respect in relationships.

A couple of thoughts:

If I was dating and serious about that relationship, then I wouldn't want to jeopardize that relationship, and its potential by moving next to an ex.

Also, who really wants to live close to an ex? Not me. In fact, if I had an ex who moved to my complex/neighborhood then I'd consider moving elsewhere if I the proximity caused frequent interactions.

whatever she does, she needs to do it fast. the wall is quickly approaching.

WE STILL HAVE RULES AROUND HERE

Is your niece hot?

As a guy, the only reason I would move next to an ex was if I still wanted to bang her at 2am every now and then, but also wanted to bring other girls over

She needs to tell him no and he needs to move to another complex. It's a loyalty test and if he fails, move on. Though if she's not hot then just nod in approval.

I would NOT enjoy living to my ex, and he and I are on amazing terms. I would feel like I would need to hide my happiness or future relationships to spare his feelings. The fact that he's entertaining the thought of this is a res flag to me. But, I'm a 44 year old woman living in an apartment. Divorced. Fat. Take my advice with the grain of salt it is apparently worth.

There's a lot of me to love

This ain't 'Nam, woman. We have rules here and you damn well know them.

FIDO*98* said:

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A 32yo dude living in an apartment sounds like a real winner. She needs to stick with him...he's going places

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People get apartments for different reasons. And some people are paying more than you do on your mortgage.

ETA: Back to the discussion at hand. This sounds like he's hedging his bets. I would probably break it off if I'm her.

who has bigger tits if the ex does your niece is cooked

Non-serious answer:
Seinfeld had an episode about this when Elaine wanted to take the apartment above Jerry's apartment. He was worried it would cramp his style. And she would intrude on any dates he brought home

Semi-serious answer: none of this matters because your niece is going to go to Kyoto with you in April after you decompress from quitting your job and decide that three months in Japan to learn their language in an immersive setting is just what you need after a tough year of work

Bonus to the Japan trip: your niece's soon to be ex-boyfriend can watch your apartment and new cat while you are in Japan

He wants to make the ex jealous by having your niece come over and make animal noises in the sack. Then she'll come crawling back, or in this case, just open the door because he's like right there.

713nervy said:

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You're inferring he's not serious about my niece because he would move into the apartment next door to his ex?

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Yes.

I think to most sensible people it would be pretty apparent that moving in next to the ex looks bad. At best he's putting himself in a situation that opens him up to some kind of ex drama. At worst it is a sign that he is up to no good (or would like to be up to no good).

And what's the payoff? A better floor plan?

I see three possibilities.

1. He has bad intentions and wants to entertain the possibility of hooking back up with his ex. If so, he's not that serious about your niece.

2. He doesn't have any bad intentions. But he's not an idiot: he knows it looks bad, he knows it will probably bug your niece, he knows it could cause a bunch of drama, but he doesn't care. Getting a better floor plan is more important than considering your niece in this whole thing, i.e., he isn't that serious about your niece.

3. He doesn't have any bad intentions but he IS an idiot. If he doesn't recognize any of this as a problem it seems like he is pretty immature. So if he is serious about your niece, he's serious like a high schooler is serious about his prom date. Not really that serious.


And they've only been dating for four or five months.


Maybe this floor plan is amazing in some way I don't understand and it'd be worth the downsides.

Right on, I see what you mean.

How many nights a month does your niece plan on sleeping over?

Is she loud in the sack?

When I was 24, living in an apartment on Wells Branch Pkwy in Austin (exactly like the Morningwood Apartments in Office Space - "Hey Peter, check out the chick on Channel 9"), the girlfriend of my upstairs neighbor was a screamer.

If she reenacts the scene from "When Harry Met Sally" often enough, the ex will move out.

Dude is just playing the long game for the threesome.

AggieArchitect04 said:

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FIDO*98* said:

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A 32yo dude living in an apartment sounds like a real winner. She needs to stick with him...he's going places

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People get apartments for different reasons. And some people are paying more than you do on your mortgage.

ETA: Back to the discussion at hand. This sounds like he's hedging his bets. I would probably break it off if I'm her.

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When I was 34, I was making $150k/yr and was living in an $1,800/month 2 bdr apartment that was basically Melrose Place. Life happens.

If he's a 55 y/o cooking meth, or a 60 y/o getting a sex change, then I'd be more concerned.

Forgot to ask, does the ex gf lay out by the pool in a thong?

Why is it so hard for some adults to act like adults?

FIDO*98* said:

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A 32yo dude living in an apartment sounds like a real winner. She needs to stick with him...he's going places

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I live in an apartment

Japan trip? Mail me a Super Famicom and a couple of Sega Saturn controllers! Will totally pay you back, TIA!