Gold Star Mother's Gift

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LostTexasBoy
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5:14p, 12/16/23
AG
Cross Posted from the Outdoor Board

So I'm going to Christmas with my girlfriend at her family's house for the first time. Obviously I want to make a big impression. They do Secret Santa. I got the matriarch of the family. Can't mess this up. Don't wanna get get kicked out of the family lol. But seriously. She's huge into West Point. She's a Gold Star Mother. Apparently she was the national president for a while. She already has the flag and the pin. But I'd love to get her an awesome and unexpected gift that has something to do with that. I figured y'all know things too, and can be my answer to this search. Please help me. Spending level is $25-50 but I'm willing to go a little more if needed. All the thanks in advance.
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Aggie12B
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In reply to LostTexasBoy • 11:33p, 12/16/23
AG
If you can find out what unit her family member that died in combat was in, you might give her something specific to that unit
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OldArmyCT
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4:48a, 12/17/23
AG
Gold Star Mother means she had a son die in combat. Ask your GF the details and see if his unit has a fund set up in his name or a group of names he is associated with. For example, my Vietnam unit has a scholarship fund and each recipient has the name of one of our KIA's attached to their scholarship and they get his bio enclosed with every semester's check. $50 isn't a lot of money but if you set up a $50 annual donation and tied it to matching funds from your company, if they have it, she'd appreciate that.
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Aggie Therapist
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In reply to LostTexasBoy • 10:07a, 12/20/23
AG
Just be cautious on how you give the gift and set up expectation management on how she reacts to it. I'm connected to a few gold star mothers and children.

This isn't some fancy bottle of wine you bring over to make a good first impression or something you use to buy your way into the family. I think it's a thoughtful gesture but maybe do it one on one with her. Let her talk about her love for her lost child and respond with empathy.

You could even ask her what's the best way possible I could make an annual donation that impacts the gold star community. What ever she says, go that route. I think you asking that question will go far with her.
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Koko Chingo
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In reply to Aggie Therapist • 2:32p, 12/20/23
AG
Aggie Therapist said:
Just be cautious on how you give the gift and set up expectation management on how she reacts to it.
I was thinking along the same lines. This seems a bit risky.

To the mother, you are the boyfriend of her daughter; not, her son-in-law. It is slightly different if you are a fiance. Its a much better situation if you are the son-in-law and father of her grandchild.

I don't think there is a high percentage that giving her a gift to honor her as a Gold Star Mother will be a complete disaster. To me, there is enough of a percentage that opening your gift will at least put a little something in the air to make an awkward moment.

As a veteran, a few of my daughters boyfriends over the years have felt like they have had to prove something to me because they did not serve. I always though that was funny because it made them look a little weak while they are trying to show how macho they are.

As a dad, it is normal for boyfriends to try and impress girlfriends and their parents. I have done all kinds of things (some were very stupid) to impress my girlfriends and even some of their parents. I know you are focusing on the mother. The young man who died had at least your girlfriend as a sibling, maybe more, a father, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, childhood friends.... All who could be at the gift exchange or arrive shortly after and ask where the gift came from.

I believe you are being genuine, but as a boyfriend versus a husband, that still puts you in a delicate situation. If you have never served and/or had a child or sibling killed in combat; that puts you even farther out of the circle. Personally, I do not believe parents ever heal 100% after losing a child. They can get functional again, but never completely heal.

You know the situation better than any of us. This is my dad perspective. Whenever my daughter had brought a boyfriend over, I swear my wife tells me every 5 minutes until they arrive to , "Be nice."

You will just have to do your homework and make you best guess.

Good Luck


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cavscout96
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8:59p, 12/20/23
AG
Do not go this route. Find out what she likes (wine/desserts/dinner places) and get her something like that.

This is NOT the way to ingratiate yourself to your GFs mother.
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Aggie Therapist
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9:34p, 12/20/23
AG
Glad to see I wasn't the only person who felt that this was inappropriate
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hds
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12:45p, 12/21/23
AG
A normal thoughtful gift is the best route if you are new to this family. I know a Gold Star wife is not the same as a Gold Star mom but there will always be time to do what you are asking about in the future. Holidays can be a very emotional time.
Good luck from a Gold Star Wife and Aggie
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bigtruckguy3500
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12:09p, 12/22/23
Agree with others, seems to personal.
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Aggie Therapist
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In reply to LostTexasBoy • 1:27p, 12/22/23
AG
You know what. You mentioned she is huge into West Point. I would see if you can make a donation in her name to West Point or a West Point Sweater or shirt or something like that.

I'm assuming her son went there so that is a gift for the mom and a tip of the hat to the son.
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Ulysses90
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In reply to OldArmyCT • 7:18p, 12/23/23
AG
The criteria for membership doesn't require that the deceased was killed in combat. As long as the deceased was on active duty at the time of death or their death resulted from service on active duty they are eligible to be members. Quite a few Gold Star families had their family member die in training mishaps.

https://www.americangoldstarmothers.org/membership.html#/
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Aggie Therapist
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In reply to Ulysses90 • 7:21p, 12/23/23
AG
Yeah, I was think about that comment but forget about it.

Thanks for clarifying
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USAFAg
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In reply to Koko Chingo • 5:12p, 12/24/23
AG
Koko Chingo said:
Aggie Therapist said:
Just be cautious on how you give the gift and set up expectation management on how she reacts to it.
I was thinking along the same lines. This seems a bit risky.

To the mother, you are the boyfriend of her daughter; not, her son-in-law. It is slightly different if you are a fiance. Its a much better situation if you are the son-in-law and father of her grandchild.

I don't think there is a high percentage that giving her a gift to honor her as a Gold Star Mother will be a complete disaster. To me, there is enough of a percentage that opening your gift will at least put a little something in the air to make an awkward moment.

As a veteran, a few of my daughters boyfriends over the years have felt like they have had to prove something to me because they did not serve. I always though that was funny because it made them look a little weak while they are trying to show how macho they are.

As a dad, it is normal for boyfriends to try and impress girlfriends and their parents. I have done all kinds of things (some were very stupid) to impress my girlfriends and even some of their parents. I know you are focusing on the mother. The young man who died had at least your girlfriend as a sibling, maybe more, a father, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, childhood friends.... All who could be at the gift exchange or arrive shortly after and ask where the gift came from.

I believe you are being genuine, but as a boyfriend versus a husband, that still puts you in a delicate situation. If you have never served and/or had a child or sibling killed in combat; that puts you even farther out of the circle. Personally, I do not believe parents ever heal 100% after losing a child. They can get functional again, but never completely heal.

You know the situation better than any of us. This is my dad perspective. Whenever my daughter had brought a boyfriend over, I swear my wife tells me every 5 minutes until they arrive to , "Be nice."

You will just have to do your homework and make you best guess.

Good Luck


"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

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Gunny456
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2:43p, 12/28/23
AG
Yea. I would not go this route. If you guys stick it out and a relationship grows there will be other opportunities.
If she is a fan of West Point maybe go on EBay or some other sites and find a really cool piece of West Point memorabilia or something.
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