Garret Gilbert: That's not very scary. More like a six foot outside linebacker.

Dr. Alan Grant: Try to imagine yourself in Kyle Field. You get your first look at this "six foot outside linebacker" as you take the snap. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like a defensive end- he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not Joker. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other Joker you didn't even know was there. Because Joker's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated blitz patterns and he is out in force today.

TTY

I mean, TTT.

quote:

---

Gilbert: That you, Von Miller?
[turns around to see a man]
Gilbert: Who the hell are you?
Joker: It's me, Von Miller.
Gilbert: Von? Oh, oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been...
Joker: Blocked? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a play-action. A *play-action*! You must be insane.
[Gilbert goes from the gun]
Joker: Don't bother.
Gilbert: Your pass-rush won't be worth spit!
Joker: I've sacked you once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy.
Gilbert: Von, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
Joker: Von? Von is dead, my friend.
[steps into the back-field]
Joker: You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, there's now two of us.
[laughs, and then proceeds to sack Gilbert]

---

Like many Aggies in College Station where the summer days are almost a football field in length, I often do not start drinking until the cool of the morning. Then under the unlit Letters of Kyle, all existence fades to a being of my soul and memories and the sounds of the Fightin' Texas Aggie Band and a four-count rhythm and the hope that the Wrecking Crew will rise.
Eventually, all o-lines merge into one, and our Jokers run through it. The o-line is cut by the world's great sack leader as he runs over blocks thrown from the basement of Big XII talent. Through some of those blocks are timeless sacks. Around the blocks are the records, and some of the records are ours.
I am haunted by Jokers.

Sherman: Miller, what is that patch on your jersey?
Von: A peace symbol, sir.
Sherman: Where'd you get it?
Von: I don't remember, sir.
Sherman: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Von: "Born to Kill", sir.
Sherman: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace patch. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Von: No, sir.
Sherman: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together.
Von: Yes, sir.
Sherman: Now answer my question or you'll be standing with the 12th Man.
Von: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of jokers, sir.
Sherman: The what?
Von: The duality of jokers. The DeRuyterian thing, sir.
Sherman: Whose side are you on, son?
Von: Our side, sir.
Sherman: Don't you love your university?
Von: Yes, sir.
Sherman: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Von: Yes, sir.

Jordan: I heard two noises coming from two separate areas of the field over there. One of them could have been a defensive back, but the other one sounded like a joker.
Colt: No way!
Jordan: Yeah, it was like a serious joker.
Colt: See, my problem is that I throw like a fooking rock.
Mack: If I heard a joker, I would have s**t in my pants!



[This message has been edited by AGinHI (edited 8/27/2010 3:32a).]

Jokers?? Don't talk about jokers. Are you kidding me?! Jokers!? I just hope we can win a game.

Col. Sherman: Smell that? You smell that?

Cessna: What?

Col. Sherman: Jokers, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that.

Col. Sherman: I love the smell of Jokers in the morning. You know, one time we had DKR Memorial stadium bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' t-sip body. The smell, you know that Joker smell, the whole stadium. Smelled like.......Victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

IMO, aggiealphpamale just landed the haymaker with his 'A River Runs Through It' version.

quote:

---

I am haunted by Jokers.

---

Effing brilliant!


Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied with knowin' I got no one left to blame

Sherman: Since you're a New DC I can't go any higher than 2 Jokers

DeRuyter: 2 Jokers!?!?!?!? are you nuts? That is waaaay beyond what I was thinking....2 Jokers!?!? Jeeeeebus...........listen I'm curious why can't I use any more than that.

Sherman:Good morning.
Team:Good morning.
Sherman:In less than an 9 days, the Jokers from here will join 9 others from this team, and you will be launching the largest defensive battle in the history of the Wrecking Crew. Wrecking Crew, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty defenses any more. We will be united with our ancestors of yesteryear. Perhaps it's fate that today we get to start all over, and you will once again be fighting for a Big 12 Championship. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to be, to exist and should we win the day, the Fightin' Texas Aggies will no longer be known as the whippin boy, but as the team that declared to the world in one voice, 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not leave Kyle Field without a fight! We're going to have a new "Hit", we're going to crush some helmets too.' Today we celebrate you, the mother friggin Wreckin Crew!"

Mackshanks: What does it say?

Prince Greg hesitantly: Miller... has... sacked Gilbert.

Mackshanks: WHAT???

Prince Greg: Miller has sacked Gilbert. [offers him the note]

I'm calling the twin joker formation, the KILL package.. and this thread is greatness..

-S

Do you have 2 Jokers?

It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

And can I get a hot tub?!

It's Okay, I speak Joker.

Jefe: I have put many beautiful jokers in the storeroom, each of them filled with little suprises.

El Guapo: Many jokers?

Jefe: Oh yes, many!

El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora of jokers?

Jefe: A what?

El Guapo: A *plethora*.

Jefe: Oh yes, you have a plethora.

El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?

Jefe: Why, El Guapo?

El Guapo: Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.



(p.s. This is officially the best thread in the history of interwebs. The Brick Tamland and the Dumb & Dumber ones rule.)

My little two jokers have the sweetest smile,
Dear little two jokers, won't you stay a while?
Come with me where moonbeams paint the sky,
And you and I might linger in the sweet by and by, oh...

Dear little two jokers with your eyes so blue,
Oh little two jokers, you're a dream come true!
You and I will settle down in a cottage built for two,
Oh, dear little two jokers, I love you...

I'm a joker Farmer motha....!

Corky St. Clair: How tall are you jokers?
Jokers: 6'3", 6'5".
Corky St. Clair: Really... Wow!

So get this. No seriously, get this. So I'm driving, I'm driving safely, I'm obeying the rules... of.. the road... and out of nowhere, SERIOUSLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, THESE TWO JOKERS COME UP AND JUST EFFING SACK ME! AND I'M LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT?!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

(pause for laughter)

But you can't hold a whole defense responsible for the tackles of a few, asskicking Jokers. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole team? And if the whole team is kickass, then isn't this an invitation to meet in the Big XII Championship game? I put it to you, Aggies - isn't this an invitation to play in the National Championship game? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the Jokers of Texas A&M. Gentlemen!

Mack: (to Tuberville) Jokers. A handful of Jokers. You stupid mullet head. He beat you with jokers. Just like today when he kept comin' back at me - with jokers.

DeRuyter: Yeah, well, sometimes Jokers can be a real cool hand.



[This message has been edited by AggieArchitect04 (edited 8/27/2010 9:53a).]

What's the deal with jokers? I mean seriously, who are these people? They aren't linemen, they aren't linebackers, sometimes they rush the quarterback, sometimes they don't. I mean seriously, who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?

And these guys over here, they're talking about putting two of these jokers on the field at the same time. Now I don't know about you, but I've always felt that when jokers are involved, let's just stick with one and end it.

DeRuyter: All right. Where is the Joker? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide on which side to block and the Joker will Blitz, and find out who is right... and who is dead.
Gilbert: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the Joker onto the Blind Side or his Right Side? Now, a clever man would put the Joker onto his Blindside, because he would know that only a great fool would expect a blitz from the right side. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the Blitz from the Right side. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the Blitz from the Blindside.
DeRuyter: You've made your decision then?
Gilbert: Not remotely. Because Jokers comes from Aggieland, as everyone knows, and Aggieland is entirely peopled with Aggies, and Aggies are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the Blitz from the Blindside.
DeRuyter: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Gilbert: Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?
DeRuyter: Aggieland.
Gilbert: Yes, Aggieland. And you must have suspected I would have known the Jocker’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the Blitz from the right side.
DeRuyter: You're just stalling now.
Gilbert: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my Left Tackle, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've sent the Blitz from the Blindside, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the Blitz from the Blindside. But, you've also bested my Running Backs, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that Backs are mortal, so you would have sent the blitz as quick as possible, so I can clearly not choose the Blitz from the Rightside.
DeRuyter: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Gilbert: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE JOCKER IS!
DeRuyter: Then make your choice.
Gilbert: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
Gilbert: [Gilbert gestures up and away from the Field. DeRuyter looks. Gilbert Switches the play to throw with his Left hand]
DeRuyter: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Gilbert: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's Play. I’m Blocking my Blind Side.
DeRuyter, Gilbert: [The center snaps the ball ]
DeRuyter: You guessed wrong.
Gilbert: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched my throwing hand when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Oklahoma" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sip when Recruits are on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
Gilbert: [Gilbert stops suddenly, he is hit from the Left side and goes down in the pocket dead]
Sherman: And to think, all that time the Joker was on his Left.
DeRuyter: They were both Jokers. I spent the last few years building up a blitz package for two Jokers.


[This message has been edited by ThemApples (edited 8/27/2010 9:55a).]

The Dane Cook one was... accurate!

Deruyter: Do you believe in 2 Jokers?
Gilbert: Yes, yes I do.
Deruyter: Good. Cuz you're gonna meet 'em...

Remember, football is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger Jokers for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones, like Potts here.

A+, ThemApples

These are getting good.

The Princess Bride one is an investment but all comes together nicely.

DeRuyter: Now there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to get any messages saying that "we are dropping back into pass protection." We're not dropping back into anything. Let the 'sips do that. We are blitzing constantly and we're not interested in dropping into anything except the opposing team's offense. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're going to go through him like crap through a goose!

The number of the jokers shall be two, and two shall be the number of the jokers. Thou shalt not count to three jokers, nor shalt thou countest to one joker, unless thou then proceedest to two jokers. Four jokers is right out!

and now the prayer...

Oh Lord, bless these, thy holy jokers, that with them, we may blow the enemy quarterback to pieces, in thy mercy.

[This message has been edited by watty (edited 8/27/2010 10:00a).]

quote:

---

Scary. You're really scary.



What do you mean?



It's scary, you know.
It's a good tackle.



You're a scary guy.



You mean the way I hit? What?



It's just, you know. You're just scary.
You know, the way you sack the quarterback.



Scary how? What's scary about it?



You got it all wrong.



He's a big boy. He knows
what he said. Scary, how?



Just, you know. You're scary.



Let me understand this.



Maybe I'm a little ****ed up.
But I'm scary how? Scary
like a joker? I frighten you?
I'm here to ****ing frighten you?
What do you mean, scary?!?!?
How am I scary?!?!?



You know, how you blow up a play.



I don't know. You said it.
You said I'm scary.
How am I scary? What the
**** is so scary about me?
Tell me what's scary.

---

Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied with knowin' I got no one left to blame