Ok, let's hear some of your rules here! I have a 12 year old that is a pretty good athlete and smart kid. Problem is she (like most American kids now unfortunately) spends way too much time on her phone, and not enough time exercising.

The old "back in my day" speech isn't really that effective. For me and my friends, we couldn't get enough playing football, basketball, etc. outside and in gym. Getting enough exercise was never an issue. Of course, we had no cell phones. We did have video games (and we certainly played plenty), but we still preferred to be outside or in the gym with our friends.

Share your thoughts/rules on exercise, chores, homework, etc vs screen time.

If she doesn't wear glasses, show her the evidence that suggests a lack of time outside/sunlight exposure increases risk of near sightedness. And she's only got a couple years to help prevent it.

FlowCtlr said:

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If it's an iPhone, you can use the Screen Time feature of iOS to automatically limit the screen time after a certain amount of time has elapsed. You can keep certain apps always enabled, like Phone for example.

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This.

Very good point bagger05.

Recently saw a meme, but it hits home to this point very well - our generation had boredom as a baseline...we had to learn how to fill the time. This is the first generation doesn't know how to handle boredom because it's so easily filled by technology.

I think bagger's thoughts are great points. Figure out what your daughter really wants out of the phone and how you could provide that otherwise. If its mainly a tool for interacting/socializing with friends, try and make it easier for her to do that in person. Offer to make your home the hangout spot, drive her and her friends to the movies, take her over to her friends house, etc etc.

Nurture her interests and help her realize the reward of developing a hobby whether athletic, crafty, or tinkering/STEM.
My father used to hand me the local community college continuing education book and ask if anything looked interesting. As a middle schooler, I was taking robotics and coding classes with people two and three times my age.

Man that's awesome. Username checks out.

CC09LawAg said:

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There are a million different things that go into this, and I think every kid is different. But one thing that is important is, what apps is she using/what is causing her to use her phone so much?

If it's just apps, that is probably an easier fix. If she's using it to socialize via group texts/calls/etc., I think you're going to get more pushback and have to think about it more carefully. It's one thing to cut back on YouTube time for a 12 year old girl, but it's an entirely different situation if you're "cutting her off from all of her friends and ruining her life".

If it's the former, I think the screentime limit is an easy fix. If it's the latter, I think you have to explain to her that it's important to take time away from socializing with your friends, because inevitably when things like bullying start, or friends start talking/doing things she's uncomfortable with, etc., she will need the buffer of just being able to be "home". And tell her she can blame you (her parents) for being so lame and so awful so that her friends don't give her a hard time. Let her make you the scapegoat.

She may not appreciate it right away, but being able to avoid peer pressure a few hours a day is something she really needs at that age.

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Good stuff.

10andBOUNCE said:

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Why not take the phone away?

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That's not practical for a 6th grade kid, especially since she has had it for a couple of years.

There are a lot of factors, apps, what their friends like to do, extra curricular activities, etc. but then also what do you do as a parent? Are you constantly inside or are you also outside doing activities? I find my kids are a lot more willing to go outside when I am outside doing something.

At the end of the day you are their parent, not their friend. If you think they are doing something that is not the best for them long term and have the ability to change it then do it. You can be their friend later. I have kids ranging from 5-19, after they turn 18 you become more of a mentor than a parent, even older more friend than mentor.

I have a stepson that when he goes to his dads 90% of the time is spent looking at some kind of screen so breaking him of that when he gets back after spending long periods of time over there is difficult. Kid used to get upset with me when I limited his screen time but after I explained to him why it is bad for his health and development he tolerates it. Most of the time my biological kids know after a few games, shows, or whatever they are doing they need to get off and do something else.

My kids have ipads, chromebooks, and switch lites. They get 30 min a day. If they want more time, they earn it by doing chores, reading, or exercising. No social media. No new apps or new websites without permission. They don't even use their 30 min most of the time because they're so busy with activities.

We were really careful with screen time pre covid, but the *******s that closed the schools/daycares and my wife and I both working full time at home, it became a necessity, and then a problem.

I think a little screentime is OK for kids when you are doing something else when you need them doing something where you cant give them attention (cooking breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner), etc. It becomes a problem, to me, when both kids are sitting on the couch watching screens and we are all home and can do something else.

One thing we tried to do is instituted "No Power Hour" which is the first hour after school where they cannot use any electronic devices. They can go out and exercise, read books, do some art, whatever -- just no screens/electronics of any kind.

The first day they whined about it, the second day they loved it, and we've been doing so ever since.

I agree - in today's world, kids are going to be exposed and have access to screens, apps, and who knows what else over the course of their lives. I think it's important to expose them to the technology while they're under your care (to a safe extent, obviously not multiple hours a day) and get them to understand that they are a tool to be used and to help them form a healthy relationship with technology.

Video games are "bad", but I played a ton of RPGs and strategy games growing up. They taught me a lot about critical thinking, strategy, math, etc. There is a huge difference in giving your kid a tablet with YouTube and them zoning out for 4 hours vs. kids playing an educational game for 30 minutes or an hour while mom and dad cook/do laundry/etc.

Like all things, moderation, monitoring, and having a clearly defined goal for WHY you're choosing to do things the way you are doing them are key.

Jbob04 said:

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WestTexasAg said:

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10andBOUNCE said:

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Why not take the phone away?

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That's not practical for a 6th grade kid, especially since she has had it for a couple of years.

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Sounds like your kid runs the house and not the parents.

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I think about this when I'm in waiting rooms for doctors and what not all the time. I look around and see everyone on their phone and think man, what did we all used to do for an hour and a half?

I agree that what you should do depends on what she is doing with the phone. My 10 year old has a phone that only calls and texts, no games or apps. She's allowed to have it for 30 minutes a day after she's finished with whatever homework or extracurricular stuff she has to do after school. Some days that means that she doesn't get it at all. Usually when she has it, she texts or calls her dad or her sisters (this plus her needing to be able to call me if theater rehearsals ended early were the main reasons we gave her a phone in the first place), sometimes will exchange texts with friends. But since the phone doesn't really do much, it's not that appealing to her. It helps that most people in our circle have similar rules, so it's not like she's missing out on group chats or gaming that everyone else is getting to do.

If it's possible for your family, I would look into giving her a phone with limited capabilities and I bet the issue will take care of itself. It will be a little harder if she's mostly using it to communicate with friends because that (in my experience) is a lot harder to cut down on than gaming or scrolling.

As for the exercise piece, I think it just takes trial and error to figure out what kids are interested in/willing to do. My rule for my daughter is that she has to have 30 minutes of physical activity every single day. She has either dance or PE at school 4 days a week, so that's that. On her "off" days we will go for walks or bike rides, or she'll jump on the trampoline, or friends come over and they choreograph dances or play gaga ball. In the summer we hike pretty much every day. My kid is not now nor will she ever be an athlete, but I figure if I can at least instill some amount of daily movement into her as routine, she'll hopefully carry that through into her adult life.

I think most parents let their kids decide too much on their own when it comes to things like exercise. My kids know they have no choice when it comes to training BJJ, I explained why they are going to do it for a while and they have embraced it.

P.U.T.U said:

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I think most parents let their kids decide too much on their own when it comes to things like exercise. My kids know they have no choice when it comes to training BJJ, I explained why they are going to do it for a while and they have embraced it.

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Interesting. Mine actually does BJJ and likes it. She also is a good basketball player. She just hasn't reached the point where she is going out and practicing on her own.

Mine like it, they just know for at least a year they don't have a choice

Set boundaries for your kids. Its that simple. Being a parent is friggin hard but you have to make the tough choices, even when the alternative is easier. The kids may get pissed and resent you...let them.

During the school year I don't let them play video games during the week. My 12 yo doesn't have a phone, he has an Apple Watch so he can get ahold of us or vice versa. He complains about it, but when I mention that he can text his friends on his iPad yet doesn't he admits he just wants one to scroll through stupid stuff or be like the other kids. I understand this is very different with girls but after hearing all the drama and problems with girls and group chats etc, I'm glad I have boys. The rules change during the summer and even on really crummy weather days. But when I tell them to get outside and play I also make it a point to go out with them the majority of the time. There is nothing I hate more than seeing a group of kids together staring at phones and not talking. It's why I've made it a point to hold out on the phone for as long as I can.

I know this is beyond the scope of this thread, but I'm surprised at how young kids are getting phones. Seems like it's pretty much the norm, so not faulting anyone. Guess the good thing about homeschooling is that we really don't have a need to provide one for quite a while. We've talked about doing the Garmin Jr watch that tracks their location and allows texting.

RustyBoltz said:

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Nurture her interests and help her realize the reward of developing a hobby whether athletic, crafty, or tinkering/STEM.
My father used to hand me the local community college continuing education book and ask if anything looked interesting. As a middle schooler, I was taking robotics and coding classes with people two and three times my age.

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Love this idea. Filing that away.

I have two boys, age 13 and 11. The screen time is atrocious. You don't realize how bad it is until a parenting app like Qustodio spells it out for you in weekly reports. We put limits, but they are pretty large. More online gaming on their laptops (Roblox) than anything else these days.

However, a lot of is because my older one is autistic (pretty high functioning). So his obsession started early and is difficult to deal with. He doesn't have a lot of friends, can't really do team sports, and tough to get him to do something he doesn't enjoy. He does run and is pretty good at it. So I'll take him along on some of my 10-12 mi runs and make sure he does 3-4 mi every few days on his own. But screen time isn't as simple as just cutting him off. His brain just doesn't comprehend the reasoning, and the consequences of him getting really upset is more than what we can deal with as parents.

My younger kid is an angel and self-regulates to a degree, but tough to give him much stricter sets of rules than his brother just because he could handle it.

Both are at healthy weights and such.

Thankfully, they have shown zero interest in phones so far. In fact, I don't think most of their friends have them either...we live in a community where all the parents seem really strict about that.

My 9 yo son has friends with a phone. It's stupid. Then they come over and both the 9 and 12 yo are like why can't we have one??!! I get a 12 yo who gets left places like practice, but seriously a 9 year old doesn't need a phone to call mommy for a play date. It blows my mind.

My 9 year old stepson has a phone but its so he can talk to the other parent when he is not with them. His dad is not legally allowed to contact his mom unless it is text through a court monitored app.

When he is at my house he knows he doesn't get his phone unless he is contacting his dad. When he is at his dad he has like 8 hours of usage on the phone per day, its crazy.

WestTexasAg said:

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For me and my friends, we couldn't get enough playing football, basketball, etc. outside and in gym. Getting enough exercise was never an issue. Of course, we had no cell phones. We did have video games (and we certainly played plenty), but we still preferred to be outside or in the gym with our friends.

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It's funny… a couple months ago a good friend I grew up with and his family were in town and we all got together. He has a 13 and 15 year old. He was busting their chops about being on their phones too much and said some schpiel like this about how in our day (we are 80's/90's kids), we all spent all of our time playing sports, riding bikes etc etc. My friend was that kid with all the latest video games and big TV at his house and we used to joke in our neighborhood about how hard it was to get him outside. I didn't say anything because I don't think he was trying to deceive his kids and genuinely remembers his childhood like that. I remember my childhood like that too, but it made me question whether I was outside raising hell and playing sports as much as I actually did or if I actually sat around inside watching TV or playing video games more than I remembered… the answer is I probably did.

On that note, I also think kids emulate parents with this stuff to an extent. My daughter tends to be more attached to her phone at times my wife and I are too and it's notable my friend and his wife were on their phones a LOT… not in a rude all attention is in the phone way, but they weren't in their pocket and both of them just couldn't help but sneak a peek every so often and even did that thing that annoys the **** out of me where they describe some YouTube or Instagram clip they saw while scrolling that morning then finding it and showing it to me at dinner.

In short… I felt like they were casting stones at their kids for bad screen habits but clearly had some bad one themselves too. If their lives were clearly so ingrained in the internet and phone access..l why would they expect their kids to be any different?