My dad was gone a lot, so I had to learn things on the street. Unfortunately, there was an optometrist shop on my street, so I'm always attracted to women with big glasses.
"The Talk" w/ son
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Last: 37 min ago by ktownag08
firethewagonup said:
I looked forward to having this talk with my boys. I have two sons and enjoyed speaking with them about it. My dad was out of the picture when I was 5, so Grandpa was my mentor, mechanic, teacher, and everything in between. It took me many years to cherish the talk he had with me, and it will be years before my boys appreciate our talk.
Umm I didn't like the talk as a kid and I don't look forward to giving it either.
If the talk is about changing oil, cutting grass, sharpening knives or chainsaw chains etc etc then I'm all about it ha
Print out what child support costs on a $75k salary.
75k-25% income tax - 15k child support. = used cars and loss of deer lease.
75k-25% income tax - 15k child support. = used cars and loss of deer lease.
Well, thanks for all the advice yall! Took a lot of it to heart, and found this whole thread very helpful.
I started chatting with him about 45 minutes before we were going to stop for lunch. That gave a natural exit and end to the conversation.
It honestly went really really well. Wasn't awkward at all, truly. He was engaged and attentive, and asked a few questions about the biology. I think I caught him at the perfect time. He is in middle school and hears a few things, but by his questions it was clear he didn't really know anything yet.
We talked about openness, and that communicating is the most important thing. We talked about physical, mental, and emotional changes he will be experiencing. He seemed very comfortable with those things, and the changes he has already started seeing. We talked about emotions, and healthy ways to get those out (vs unhealthy ones).
I was planning on making the actually physical act a part 2, but he asked- so we hit the high notes of procreating. Will go though it again later. We talked about responsibly of raising a kid, vs and animal parent. We talked about how that's one of the reasons God designed families, to provide the stability, love, and guarding kids need to grow healthy and strong. And how if you aren't ready to provide that, you shouldn't be doing the things that lead to kids. That's why Scripture instructs us to wait. I didn't want to just use scare tactics, or "don't do it because God said no!" I want him to understand the reasoning. I think we took good steps toward that.
We concluded with talking about why it's important for him to talk with me and mom about stuff. I said you wouldn't go to your friends with financial advice, because they've never had any money. So, trust someone that has been doing this for a couple decades, not a bunch of people at your same stage just making crap up. That really clicked with him. We talked briefly about the realities of the Internet & porn. I think it was at a healthy level, and we will get into more next time.
We talked at as deep of a level as he wanted, laughed, got real, and bonded. There is a clear and open line of communication moving forward, and he knows we are on his side and looking out for him. It wasn't awkward in the least. We prayed together, which was really nice. I call that a success.
Thanks again for all the help!
I started chatting with him about 45 minutes before we were going to stop for lunch. That gave a natural exit and end to the conversation.
It honestly went really really well. Wasn't awkward at all, truly. He was engaged and attentive, and asked a few questions about the biology. I think I caught him at the perfect time. He is in middle school and hears a few things, but by his questions it was clear he didn't really know anything yet.
We talked about openness, and that communicating is the most important thing. We talked about physical, mental, and emotional changes he will be experiencing. He seemed very comfortable with those things, and the changes he has already started seeing. We talked about emotions, and healthy ways to get those out (vs unhealthy ones).
I was planning on making the actually physical act a part 2, but he asked- so we hit the high notes of procreating. Will go though it again later. We talked about responsibly of raising a kid, vs and animal parent. We talked about how that's one of the reasons God designed families, to provide the stability, love, and guarding kids need to grow healthy and strong. And how if you aren't ready to provide that, you shouldn't be doing the things that lead to kids. That's why Scripture instructs us to wait. I didn't want to just use scare tactics, or "don't do it because God said no!" I want him to understand the reasoning. I think we took good steps toward that.
We concluded with talking about why it's important for him to talk with me and mom about stuff. I said you wouldn't go to your friends with financial advice, because they've never had any money. So, trust someone that has been doing this for a couple decades, not a bunch of people at your same stage just making crap up. That really clicked with him. We talked briefly about the realities of the Internet & porn. I think it was at a healthy level, and we will get into more next time.
We talked at as deep of a level as he wanted, laughed, got real, and bonded. There is a clear and open line of communication moving forward, and he knows we are on his side and looking out for him. It wasn't awkward in the least. We prayed together, which was really nice. I call that a success.
Thanks again for all the help!
I think 2 main points for me when it's time to have that talk will be 1) do not use sex or women as a way to boost your own ego or mask your insecurities and 2) while condoms and birth control aren't total protection they are your best protection if you decide to have sex. If you do have sex, especially without protection, you should be prepared to possibly upend your current way of life. Missing out on being a normal high schooler or college kid. Getting a job and devoting yourself to supporting that child.
I think keeping #1 a focus can protect from a lot of bad decisions and unhealthy relationships.
It might also help to ask your wife for her perspective as a girl that you can share (and maybe you don't mention it was coming from his mom). Girls experience things on a totally different wave length than men and sex can mean/cause different reactions and feelings for them.
I think keeping #1 a focus can protect from a lot of bad decisions and unhealthy relationships.
It might also help to ask your wife for her perspective as a girl that you can share (and maybe you don't mention it was coming from his mom). Girls experience things on a totally different wave length than men and sex can mean/cause different reactions and feelings for them.
Pop never had the talk with me about the how's and why's........he didn't have to. I was raised on a dairy and pretty much had it all figured out by the time I hit the first grade......... my brother and I weren't sheltered in the least bit about procreation. It didn't take long to figure out the process as it would apply to humans was the same as with cattle, horses, canines and cats. Pulling afterbirth from a cow that has given birth by wrapping it between two boards is not for the faint hearted 10 year old.
AnScAggie said:
Never had "the talk". Pretty much figured it out on my own. Would have been less fun and way more awkward to have had my dad explain it all to me.
Me neither, my mother took me to see the movie 5 Easy Pieces with Nick Olson and Sally Struthers, that was eye opening for me, nickolson banged her all over that bedroom, she rode him like a bucking pony!
,
When I was a freshman in high school I was hanging out with an FFA buddy at his house. His dad walks up to my buddy and hands my buddy his wallet he had found and informs my friend that he saw the condom behind the cash.
He tells my friend: "I have two pieces of advice for you. First, do NOT let your mom find this. Second, get all you can now because when you get married and have kids you ain't gettin' it anymore."
And he walked out and left us stunned. According to my friend, that was his one and only 'talk.'
He tells my friend: "I have two pieces of advice for you. First, do NOT let your mom find this. Second, get all you can now because when you get married and have kids you ain't gettin' it anymore."
And he walked out and left us stunned. According to my friend, that was his one and only 'talk.'
We may not always get what we want. We may not always get what we need. Just so we don't get what we deserve.
When I was 16 and hanging out with an identical twin from Huntington, her stepdad named "Catfish" walked up to me in his shirtless overalls and said "You get her pregnant, you marryin er." It wasn't a father to son talk, but it was effective. We never dated again after that.
Thank God my dad never had "the talk" with me, cringing just imagining that. I never had "the talk" with my son, that would be cringe worthy to me, and I bet to him as well. He and his wife will be having a son in June. Too early to know if he will ever have "the talk" with him but I won't be around if and when he does.
As per someone mentioned above I was told if I ever slept with a woman I had better be prepared to marry her. I actually did that 33 years ago.
You did good brother. You did good.
I'll never forget when we watched a video on sex in elementary school. After, I guess?, the teacher was trying to normalize stuff so talked about how he had a wet dream. Literally every boy thought the just pissed his pants. We had no idea what he was talking about.
Fatherhood is the anecdote for everything wrong with modern times. It's encouraging to see so many engaged in it.
I will tell mine the truth.
Wear protection even though it feels like ***** Smash all you can in college and high school. Do NOT wait for one girl. When you do find the one girl you have to shut it down and don't cheat. Again, smash all you can in high school and college. Maybe even a few years into your mid 20's too.
Wear protection even though it feels like ***** Smash all you can in college and high school. Do NOT wait for one girl. When you do find the one girl you have to shut it down and don't cheat. Again, smash all you can in high school and college. Maybe even a few years into your mid 20's too.
So what would you tell your daughter? Put out to every guy she can?
Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a talk I wish I had had growing up.
Teslag said:
I will tell mine the truth.
Wear protection even though it feels like ***** Smash all you can in college and high school. Do NOT wait for one girl. When you do find the one girl you have to shut it down and don't cheat. Again, smash all you can in high school and college. Maybe even a few years into your mid 20's too.
Not to be contrarian, but this advice seems to be based on the assumption that enjoyment goes down when you have to "shut it down" for one- ergo why you need to get all you can beforehand. Personally, and this is just my opinion and personal experience, that the polar opposite is true for me.
After 17+ years, what I have now can't hold a freakin candle to what I could get back then. On top of that, I would trade every single experience l had in a heartbeat to be able to give my wife what she was able to give to me.
Not saying you are wrong, and forgive me if I misread. I'm
just offering a different perspective of what makes it truly enjoyable, and it's not quantity imho.
aggiesherpa said:
Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a talk I wish I had had growing up.
You and me both, brother. This would have helped me out tremendously, as opposed to what I did experience. Thanks for the encouragement.
So spend a decade or so training your brain to avoid attaching to the people you sleep with, then, when you decide to settle down with one of these women you've been sleeping with, change on a dime?
Not saying it is impossible, as I had my fair share of fun prior to becoming a believer and getting married, but it also makes truly committing to my wife (which includes not looking at pron) more difficult. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Not saying it is impossible, as I had my fair share of fun prior to becoming a believer and getting married, but it also makes truly committing to my wife (which includes not looking at pron) more difficult. Comparison is the thief of joy.
cupofjoe04 said:Teslag said:
I will tell mine the truth.
Wear protection even though it feels like ***** Smash all you can in college and high school. Do NOT wait for one girl. When you do find the one girl you have to shut it down and don't cheat. Again, smash all you can in high school and college. Maybe even a few years into your mid 20's too.
Not to be contrarian, but this advice seems to be based on the assumption that enjoyment goes down when you have to "shut it down" for one- ergo why you need to get all you can beforehand. Personally, and this is just my opinion and personal experience, that the polar opposite is true for me.
After 17+ years, what I have now can't hold a freakin candle to what I could get back then. On top of that, I would trade every single experience l had in a heartbeat to be able to give my wife what she was able to give to me.
Not saying you are wrong, and forgive me if I misread. I'm
just offering a different perspective of what makes it truly enjoyable, and it's not quantity imho.
Don't be a coward. Stand up for what you believe in. He's dead wrong and you know it. Sex was not designed to be the pagan ritual he talks about.
NRH ag 10 said:
Something that was a lightbulb moment for me (in my late 20s after accepting Christ) was a sermon that shared some points about how powerful sex can be and why it is best left to the confines of a marriage.
The short version is sex helps people overlook flaws and deepen their connection. In the context of a marriage, this is a great thing. It's part of God's design for us. Outside of that marriage covenant, it keeps you in relationships you shouldn't be in and massively magnifies the hurt when they end.
Can't emphasize the last part of this enough. I shared it with all of my children. unfortunately my oldest son didn't take it to heart and is in the most toxic relationship I've ever known. He's struggling to break it off and we know a big reason was sexual intimacy way too early in the relationship. "The crazy ones are fun."
Yup - this idea is almost as bad as most of his others shared across the many boards.
Been there, got the cheating (now ex) wife that I stayed loyal to and offered forgiveness due to my beliefs until she filed for divorce.5StarShield said:NRH ag 10 said:
Something that was a lightbulb moment for me (in my late 20s after accepting Christ) was a sermon that shared some points about how powerful sex can be and why it is best left to the confines of a marriage.
The short version is sex helps people overlook flaws and deepen their connection. In the context of a marriage, this is a great thing. It's part of God's design for us. Outside of that marriage covenant, it keeps you in relationships you shouldn't be in and massively magnifies the hurt when they end.
Can't emphasize the last part of this enough. I shared it with all of my children. unfortunately my oldest son didn't take it to heart and is in the most toxic relationship I've ever known. He's struggling to break it off and we know a big reason was sexual intimacy way too early in the relationship. "The crazy ones are fun."
I got lucky, no kids with her so she was out of my life for the low low price of around a quarter million dollars. Maybe it's what I needed to learn to do things the right way and go for character first. I have a wife and son I'd die for now.
I don't know if it'd be any help at all, but if he wants to talk to a random stranger from the internet about how sticking in a bad relationship could turn out, let me know.
Your son will be a better man because you took the time to talk with him.
Keep the door of communication wide open.
Keep the door of communication wide open.
Don't forget about the follow up.
This is the hard part. ( And kind of hard to write on a message board w/o being taken the wrong way).
'The Talk' is awkward and is not a checklist item. It's not over once you have the conversation.
From there on out, start to sprinkle in more more mature conversations. Use real life examples from around you or even the media. Don't constrain the topic to just sex. Start having conversations that include all the moral and ethical choices that we all face every day.
If your son is old enough for the talk it's also time to include drugs and alcohol.
These don't have to be over the top examples. It can be something small like a new hire at work was stealing time by clocking in for remote work and using a mouse mover to show productivity. Then have a conversation about it.
They can also be one sided at times where you make a statement. This is one area that I had a hard time with.
It's easy to rant at the TV and say 'that idiot' or ' that piece of trash'. Instead take the opportunity to say something like, "Be careful that kind of stuff happens to regular folks too, not just celebrities." Then give a little PSA on what to watch out for and then leave it alone.
Over time increase the depth, questions, and amount of feedback you want from your son.
Make sure your wife is involved too. The big thing is to normalize having conversations with your kids that involve difficult topics.
It pays off in the long run even if you don't get instant feedback or gratification.
My oldest is almost 30. Even now we are barely finding out things where our parenting advice was actually beneficial and she actually listened and took our feedback.
Don't worry too much. You sound like you are an awesome dad. It's not about being perfect, it's about being intentional and trying. You are doing that. Over time you will find what works best for each kid and adapt.
This is the hard part. ( And kind of hard to write on a message board w/o being taken the wrong way).
'The Talk' is awkward and is not a checklist item. It's not over once you have the conversation.
From there on out, start to sprinkle in more more mature conversations. Use real life examples from around you or even the media. Don't constrain the topic to just sex. Start having conversations that include all the moral and ethical choices that we all face every day.
If your son is old enough for the talk it's also time to include drugs and alcohol.
These don't have to be over the top examples. It can be something small like a new hire at work was stealing time by clocking in for remote work and using a mouse mover to show productivity. Then have a conversation about it.
They can also be one sided at times where you make a statement. This is one area that I had a hard time with.
It's easy to rant at the TV and say 'that idiot' or ' that piece of trash'. Instead take the opportunity to say something like, "Be careful that kind of stuff happens to regular folks too, not just celebrities." Then give a little PSA on what to watch out for and then leave it alone.
Over time increase the depth, questions, and amount of feedback you want from your son.
Make sure your wife is involved too. The big thing is to normalize having conversations with your kids that involve difficult topics.
It pays off in the long run even if you don't get instant feedback or gratification.
My oldest is almost 30. Even now we are barely finding out things where our parenting advice was actually beneficial and she actually listened and took our feedback.
Don't worry too much. You sound like you are an awesome dad. It's not about being perfect, it's about being intentional and trying. You are doing that. Over time you will find what works best for each kid and adapt.
CactusThomas said:cupofjoe04 said:Teslag said:
I will tell mine the truth.
Wear protection even though it feels like ***** Smash all you can in college and high school. Do NOT wait for one girl. When you do find the one girl you have to shut it down and don't cheat. Again, smash all you can in high school and college. Maybe even a few years into your mid 20's too.
Not to be contrarian, but this advice seems to be based on the assumption that enjoyment goes down when you have to "shut it down" for one- ergo why you need to get all you can beforehand. Personally, and this is just my opinion and personal experience, that the polar opposite is true for me.
After 17+ years, what I have now can't hold a freakin candle to what I could get back then. On top of that, I would trade every single experience l had in a heartbeat to be able to give my wife what she was able to give to me.
Not saying you are wrong, and forgive me if I misread. I'm
just offering a different perspective of what makes it truly enjoyable, and it's not quantity imho.
Don't be a coward. Stand up for what you believe in. He's dead wrong and you know it. Sex was not designed to be the pagan ritual he talks about.
I get what you are saying. But I would caution you not to confuse respect for cowardice. He wasn't disrespectful or rude to me, so I saw no need for me to come hard in the paint either. He stated an opinion, which I read a certain way. I responded by simply stating a different opinion. If there was a response, question, or pushback, I would certainly be happy to continue standing up for what I believe and know to be true, by whatever means and fortitude the situation demanded.
I certainly didn't agree with everything posited on this thread, but chose only to respond to this because I felt that it was based on some faulty and dangerous assumptions, which I pointed out for all to see.
I'm sorry if you see that as cowardice. I see it as the way Jesus often dialogued with those whom He disagreed.
Right and wrong is not an opinion and Jesus never acted like sins might be ok.
Is it true if you don't use it you lose it?
My dad was never one to discuss things like this. My mom basically said think about how your life will be impacted if you get a girl pregnant. Be smart. That was it. I'm hoping I can be a touch better. But remember how old you were when you started hearing stuff and realize parents always wait too late.
Good on OP for having "the talk"...
My parents never did in a direct manner, and I think it would have been awkward if they did. Only talked about other kids that were older than us that got pregnant. Always just heard that boy better get a job, and he'll have to quit all the stuff he likes to do. That worked well enough for me until I was 18 as chose not to have sex until that point. Did enjoy some other things thankfully before that though!
As for my kids, my daughters will get some sort of talk. My wife has already said she's taking the lead, but I'll support her. Biggest thing is I want them to trust us should they have questions.
My parents never did in a direct manner, and I think it would have been awkward if they did. Only talked about other kids that were older than us that got pregnant. Always just heard that boy better get a job, and he'll have to quit all the stuff he likes to do. That worked well enough for me until I was 18 as chose not to have sex until that point. Did enjoy some other things thankfully before that though!
As for my kids, my daughters will get some sort of talk. My wife has already said she's taking the lead, but I'll support her. Biggest thing is I want them to trust us should they have questions.
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