My oldest son and I are heading to the ranch tomorrow. Will have a coupe hours of windshield time, and a few hours in the blind together. Going fishing Saturday am w/ Grandpa and youngest boy too. So it should be a great weekend.

It is time to have the birds & bees talk with my oldest. From fathers who have done this before, I would deeply appreciate any advice or lessons you learned (other than biological). I know it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable no matter what, but what did you do that made it less so?

My son and I have a pretty open and very healthy relationship. He listens intently, but isn't super talkative or contemplative- as most teenage boys aren't. I'm guessing he won't say much, but I will for sure open the door for questions. My #1 goal is to keep the line of communication open- so he knows he can ask me anything, rather than learning from friends at school or the internet.

Sadly, my Dad was a great example of what not to do in this instance- so I don't have healthy personal experience to draw from on this one.

Obviously an important conversation that should be initiated by his father. Cover both the biology and the morality. Of course it will be awkward, but better to hear from you than some dumb kid on the playground.

How old is your son?

We focused on three things…God, Biology, and Humor. Lots of questions were asked!

Good luck and good on you for putting some thought into it!

Also…I highly recommend the "God's Design for Sex" book series…made the conversations a lot easier to get started!

https://www.amazon.com/Full-Set-Design-Revised-Paperback/dp/B00O5DIVTU/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k0Dn7cOU57PsBsmRxLU2v4jH3EUSbUubtuMN_PrudE5RQigL_Iz8jTR80D-EEBg48z6XjAA0tsrouG6mrDsxuGvwTxj_XFhFbd6XHZDEEGNWbjl-WgrSQ4joBVJAAa6Pq3ZvebAWJ2KO34iNCdFw5WGGl2XAWCHuF9FDZDDUaGwaR1zR1qT5iJFl4Ou0uE9pzm3y5OdnCd_deAUizBO3FQ.f0U5B4l5h-tZpYItVz4bLeH5Ae_5Tgi9IdjO7bOtG2g&dib_tag=se&keywords=god%27s+plan+for+sex&qid=1735268380&sr=8-1

Great advice by DC.

Don't be surprised by or question how much he may already know. Be prepared to clarify or elaborate.

Something that was a lightbulb moment for me (in my late 20s after accepting Christ) was a sermon that shared some points about how powerful sex can be and why it is best left to the confines of a marriage.

The short version is sex helps people overlook flaws and deepen their connection. In the context of a marriage, this is a great thing. It's part of God's design for us. Outside of that marriage covenant, it keeps you in relationships you shouldn't be in and massively magnifies the hurt when they end.

Reiterate respect for himself and respect for the young lady. Not just the first time, but every time.

Since you're going to the ranch, I assume he either has exposure to hunting or livestock. If so, the biology is easy. Don't make it weird. Explain it in terms of whatever animal he is familiar with... yearlings, rut, etc. Chances are he's seen a buck mount a doe, or animals at the zoo, or the neighbors dog.

Then the segue into "so what"...again, don't make it weird. Either tie it to your/his spiritual beliefs, dads rules, or statistics/best practices.

ETA: your kid is as only as young as his friends oldest brother. Chances are by this age he knows enough to make his momma blush.

I don't have a son and my dad never had this talk with me, so...I can't really give any experienced based advice. And I'll not give advice in general. I might, however, suggest things you should think about being prepared for and what *I* would do. You may or may not agree and since you're the parent, you get to decide what you say.

-- Did your dad have the talk/was it effective...: I'm not going to hang my dad out to dry in this situation, so I'll focus on he (the son) and I. A lot of what I'd say is based on my personal experience and that of those I know first hand.

-- Did you follow all of what you're talking about here: I'm, again, going to keep the focus on him and not me. This talk is based on what's in his best interest and not what I did or didn't do, certainly not my mistakes (if any).

-- If he wants to talk about your and his mom's sex life, I'd keep that private and focus on him.

-- Lots of things to say on peer pressure, but one thing I'm definitely saying is this: all those guys you're talking about in the locker room -- would you invite them over to watch? If not, why would you involve them in what is your's and only your personal business?

One thing I read in like Jr. High that has stuck with me: sex is like fire. Used responsibly, it cooks food, warms houses, etc. Used irresponsibly, it burns things down and destroys. Also, as someone who gives advice professionally, people need to understand that something I said or did 10, 20, 40 years ago may or may not apply today or in a different circumstance or with different people. As a teenager, I was my parents' problem. He's your son; he's YOUR'S, not his own.

Good luck.

Never had "the talk". Pretty much figured it out on my own. Would have been less fun and way more awkward to have had my dad explain it all to me.

My brother is older than me.

So I got to play third wheel, at the ripe age of 9, to the conversation in which my dad taught my brother how one is supposed to utilize a condom...on a banana.

Awkward.

FYI,
A burger and a grape snowcone doesn't mean what it used to. Just WOW when I had a buddy that had high school aged boys enlighten me.

Some good advice above for sure. I'd also say take some pressure off. This shouldn't be the only "talk". lol at it as the first of many.

Don't make it a one-time talk
Make it so that it isn't awkward being talked about all the time so he knows you are a resource of wisdom.

Frame it as part of God's work in his children. The books above helped us as well.

Talk about it naturally. If you show awkwardness, the kids will too.

Pray together at the end of talking. Everytime.

Good on you. Couple points from my experience, after having 5 boys:

Main point is to get them comfortable ( or as comfortable as possible) in understanding that they can always come to you to talk or for advice. That covers this topic or any others they have in life.

This is priority number one. If you can accomplish that to some degree you are winning.

As mentioned, this isn't "the talk"…. It's hopefully the first of many of "the talks" . I learned very quickly either the world will teach your kids or you will teach your kids. Getting comfortable having uncomfortable conversations is crucial. Open dialogue moving forward is key.

It's not as awkward as you think, as long as you don't make it that way. Be honest and be clear, but be on their level.

Wait until the last 20 minutes of so of the drive. Give him an out for the awkward conversation.

My dad's directive that stuck with me the most was, "If you get a girl pregnant, you WILL marry her." That scared the hell out of me. What I have told my sons during the talk was NEVER, EVER, EVER trust a woman with the birth control until after marriage. And then be guarded with your trust.

I really don't have anything for you, other than I recall my dad speaking with me on the subject and I remember it being awkward as hell for the both of us.

But, neither of us was scarred by the experience, so no matter how it goes with your son, you get points for trying.

Now, to lighten the mood, I recall a preacher sharing the following pertinent story:

Quote:

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Father: Son, it's time we had a little talk about the birds and the bees.

Son: Sure dad. What would you like to know?

---

I was honest and truthful with both my son and daughter. Yes, even my daughter. As a father, you are the head of the household. I was open and told them both that I was a partying, outgoing, womanizer when I was in highschool and college. I wasn't saved until I was 32. But then I met their mom, after meeting her I wanted to be a better man! I told them both that being with a lot of girls/women had caused alot of trust issues that my wife could never truly trust me . She always wondered if I was going to cheat or was she good enough. Unfortunately, I brought that into my marriage. I told my daughter that the boy I used to be would lie, manipulate, and sweet talk his way into a girl's pants so be on guard, play hard to get, and don't give away a part of you to someone who doesn't truly care for you. Make sure he's a keeper, knows the word of God, and can protect you from the world. My daughter listened to the wretch I used to be and found a good man. She waited until marriage to have sex because I told her that I wish that I could go back in time so her mother didn't have to wonder about why I had to be with so many women. God has a plan, and the bad of my past helped my daughter understand the importance of waiting until you are married because it is a covenant. Till death do you part, a vow, a promise! Not just a piece of paper, but a spiritual tie for life. I pray more young people truly understand this truth. It's our job as the head of the household to protect our family, teach them about the truth, and make them understand the importance of what a true marriage is. A blessing from the Almighty God, if you follow his word! Get out of context and there are consequences. The truth will set you free, but sometimes the truth hurts because we are prideful men that need to be humbled. I am thankful that I had the strength to tell my kids the truth.
Iron sharpens Iron
Be the Iron for your son!
God bless

I had to have the talk with my oldest earlier than I wanted due to. Wast too bad, started with the religious/moral aspect and moved on to the anatomy/physical aspect. At the end the only question I remember was "mom's been pregnant 5 times, sooo (disgustedly) YALL HAVE DONE THAT 5 TIMES?!" "yeah kid, give or take a few"

My dad was orphaned when he was 13. Lied about his age and went into the service from 1937-1945 when the war was over. Then became a cop.
He was a no BS man that talked little and was always right to the point. He simply told me how it worked and said to not be stupid and never let my little head do the thinking for my big head or I would end up like the whitetail bucks we shot being stupid during rut.

My dad just took me out to watch how farm animals do it and said "you got that son?" Later on my honeymoon I jumped up and started braying "He-haw.... He-Haw". It was a little embarrassing. Thanks Dad.

I started with mine by asking him what he has heard or other tell him. Gave him free rein to be completely open and that how we started. I'd explain the biology and how things work for men and women. Id tell him what was right or wrong about what other boys thought or said. Then we moved on to the morality and discussed how most of the world will tell you that certain actions are normal and/or ok, but what matters is how God views your actions. From there, we discussed how strong the hormonal challenges would become. There has always been an open invitation to come and discuss further.
I agree with others who said it should start with Dad for sons. I also think Dads should be having discussion with daughters and helping them understand how boys minds work.
You're a good dad OP. Keep it up.

My Dad just told me to put a helmet on my soldier.

I bought a helmet and kept it ready but it was still a couple of years before I got to use it.

For context: I grew up in the 80s and early 90s and everyone was scared of AIDS.

Tumble Weed said:

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My Dad just told me to put a helmet on my soldier.

I bought a helmet and kept it ready but it was still a couple of years before I got to use it.

For context: I grew up in the 80s and early 90s and everyone was scared of AIDS.

---

Dude, you arent kidding.

Kids today don't understand how they scared the hell out of everyone about getting AIDS.

Also, and this obviously depends on your personal beliefs, but I'd set up an entire conversation at some point to proactively talk about pornography. It's crazy how much pornography addiction is affecting young people in our society and no one is preparing them for it.


I have made my case against it with each of my boys and I am confident I am 3-for-3 on raising boys who avoid it. I present the why as multiple reasons:

1) the religious or morality of it in the eyes of God. Since this isn't R&P board I won't expand, but I bet if your a Christian you can make this case compelling,

2) i explain the biology of dopamine responses in the brain and how addiction works, plus its affects on the entire way your brain works. Going down any of these addictive, obsessive paths will alter the state of your brain for the worse

3) we discuss what happens to the vast majority of the girls in these videos, human trafficking and a lifestyle trap that incredibly difficult to get out of - effectively enslaving most of them

4) I explain the effects of frequent practicing stimulation and response, and how you are basically training your body to make sex happen very fast. You're basically training yourself to be awful at sex and your future wife is going to be the one disappointed. This point hits pretty hard for a teenage boy.

5) we talk about the difference between actors in highly edited films following a curated script , and the false expectations it sets that become HUGE problems in marriages between real people. A good friend of mine who my boys know is a marriage counselor and he's shared a lot of insight into how many relationships are doomed by this trend.



Take it FWIW, but to me it was very important to get in front of this with each of my boys.

all good points above.

I also added a lot a talk about social media and locker room talk, etc.

Most of us didn't have to worry about social media back in our day. I'm so glad it wasn't a thing (for multiple reasons). Now, lives can be ruined by sending a pic or video to your bf/gf. Both from a social standpoint and potentially a legal standpoint. There are even cases of suicide when things go wrong.

My dad's talk was short and simple. "If you get a girl pregnant, don't come home."

I'm in my 50s and no kids, so I guess I took his words to heart.