Catholic Wedding Ceremony Outside of the Church - Question

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Saint Pablo
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2:27p, 7/11/19
I plan on proposing in the very near future. My girlfriend is Baptist and comes from a family of devout Baptists (her father was a deacon and prior to getting to know me was not thrilled his daughter was dating a Catholic). She plans to convert to Catholicism after we get married so that she can undergo RCIA once we are under the same roof and living in the same town again (I am graduated and she isn't until December).

Given the circumstances and her family background, she has expressed that she would prefer to have the wedding ceremony at a wedding venue as opposed to the Church so that it would make the situation more comfortable for her family. I still want to have a Catholic wedding ceremony. I have read online that the Church will allow this, but the Bishop's permission must be obtained in order to do so.

I am wondering if anyone here has gone through this before and if they know how likely it is the Bishop is to allow this or where to move forward with this. Thanks in advance!
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Dad-O-Lot
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2:35p, 7/11/19
AG
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
People of integrity expect to be believed, when they're not, they let time prove them right.
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Martin Q. Blank
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2:56p, 7/11/19



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Saint Pablo
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In reply to Dad-O-Lot • 3:02p, 7/11/19
Dad-O-Lot said:
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
I would prefer to just have one ceremony for a few reasons
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SoulSlaveAG2005
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In reply to Martin Q. Blank • 3:06p, 7/11/19
AG
Flagged for being obtuse and trolling on a sincere question. This isn't the GB.
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SoulSlaveAG2005
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 3:07p, 7/11/19
AG
Saint Pablo said:
Dad-O-Lot said:
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
I would prefer to just have one ceremony for a few reasons


I've been through it and did something very similar. I'll post later when I have a break and wal you through my experience.
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Dad-O-Lot
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 3:08p, 7/11/19
AG
Saint Pablo said:
Dad-O-Lot said:
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
I would prefer to just have one ceremony for a few reasons
That's understandable. The truth is, the Catholic validation doesn't have to be much of a ceremony at all.

I've seen it done in less than 5 minutes after the Homily at a regular Mass.
People of integrity expect to be believed, when they're not, they let time prove them right.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to Martin Q. Blank • 3:13p, 7/11/19

Bad bull.


[So is quoting it. -Staff]
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to Dad-O-Lot • 3:14p, 7/11/19
Dad-O-Lot said:
Saint Pablo said:
Dad-O-Lot said:
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
I would prefer to just have one ceremony for a few reasons
That's understandable. The truth is, the Catholic validation doesn't have to be much of a ceremony at all.

I've seen it done in less than 5 minutes after the Homily at a regular Mass.
Interesting, I have not heard of such a thing, I will have to look more into this if what I am seeking is not allowed.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to SoulSlaveAG2005 • 3:14p, 7/11/19
SoulSlaveAG2005 said:
Saint Pablo said:
Dad-O-Lot said:
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
I would prefer to just have one ceremony for a few reasons


I've been through it and did something very similar. I'll post later when I have a break and wal you through my experience.
Thank you!!
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Dad-O-Lot
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3:31p, 7/11/19
AG
It's what I did; although we didn't have a big ceremony.

We initially got married by a JP, then about 6 years later had our marriage validated in the Church. It was a short ceremony during the regular Saturday evening Mass.

Had our 30th wedding anniversary last year.
People of integrity expect to be believed, when they're not, they let time prove them right.
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dermdoc
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3:39p, 7/11/19
AG
First of all, I am not Catholic. To expand on Dadalot's suggestion, I would validate the marriage in the Catholic Church before the big ceremony. Have the simple service after a Mass sometime in the week before the ceremony and then have the big deal.

Congratulations and God bless!

And edited to add would it be possible to have the Catholic validation the Friday of the rehearsal dinner? Then if close friends or family wanted to come to the ceremony they could and then celebrate at the rehearsal dinner. And that would also unify the two ceremonies which is essentially what your two families are doing.
No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See full Medical Disclaimer.
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SoulSlaveAG2005
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 6:06p, 7/11/19
AG
Saint Pablo said:
SoulSlaveAG2005 said:
Saint Pablo said:
Dad-O-Lot said:
You could have a nice wedding at a venue she likes, then have a small ceremony and validation at a Catholic Church.
I would prefer to just have one ceremony for a few reasons


I've been through it and did something very similar. I'll post later when I have a break and wal you through my experience.
Thank you!!


Alright. My story is similar to Dad o lots. However our con validation ceremony we did at noon mass on a random day. Was awesome. Just the priest, me, my wife and a couple parishioners there for the brief ceremony after the homily.

Long story:
I was the unbaptised heathen. Wife is cradle catholic. We were married in '09 in Jamaica on a beach. She hadn't been to church in awhile and I was indifferent at the time. Fast forward to 2011 and We decided to start going to mass together and after a change in my faith I started the RCIA process and we started the process of having our marriage be blessed and in the church. 6 months later after going through the pre marital classes, and counseling, and living as brother and sister for 6 months, we had said or vows at the alter and had our rings blessed. We call it our "churchiversary".

Priest walked us through the whole process. My advise.

1. Talk to the priest. The church will still want you to go through the classes/pre marriage prep. It's actually a lot of fun. I would think doing this in advance would help with the process and get the blessing to have an outside the church ceremony. And then having the vows con validated at a Mass. doesn't have to be anything big or crazy.

Congrats and good luck. This has been the adventure of my life coming into the church and the blessings God has granted us.

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RebelE Infantry
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6:33p, 7/11/19
AG
I'd say talk to your priest first to make sure you don't run afoul of the rules. Hopefully you have a home parish and a good priest who is willing to take the time to counsel you both. If not, maybe think about taking the time to find one.

I'm sure you'll still have to do the prep classes and whatever else is required in your diocese. Congratulations!
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(removed:10EA24-2)
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7:43a, 7/12/19
Do her parents know? That may be dicey.

Marry in the church - you won't regret it.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to (removed:10EA24-2) • 11:52a, 7/12/19
Beachbabe19 said:
Do her parents know? That may be dicey.

Marry in the church - you won't regret it.
I do know her parents pretty well...it is an interesting dynamic. I am close with her family, but the "difference" in faiths is an unspoken subject I guess. Her dad freaked out initially after hearing I am Catholic and her mother told her in the past that she would not attend a Catholic wedding...she has since revoked that statement, but it obviously created a level of discomfort with that idea with her. They have never really confronted me about it or addressed it directly with me.
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dermdoc
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 12:06p, 7/12/19
AG
Before you get engaged, I think it would be a good idea for y'all to talk about it directly.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to dermdoc • 12:11p, 7/12/19
dermdoc said:
Before you get engaged, I think it would be a good idea for y'all to talk about it directly.
I am preparing for that whenever I talk to her father about his permission!
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dermdoc
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 12:14p, 7/12/19
AG
Good
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Serotonin
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In reply to dermdoc • 12:31p, 7/12/19
AG
dermdoc said:
Before you get engaged, I think it would be a good idea for y'all to talk about it directly.
I completely agree with this. If you have plans, better to get everything out in the open up front.

///

A hand-written note to her mom and another to her dad might go a long way too.

The tricky dynamic here is that typically it is the bride's parents who arrange and pay for everything associated with wedding day. Imagine the time and effort they've spent bringing their daughter up in a church, planning on the pastor officiating the wedding, and now that's not going to happen. It's a really big deal (although you understand that). So I'd tread carefully and let them have control over as much of the rest of it as possible (assuming they're paying).

Glad you are thinking about all this ahead of time.
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Dad-O-Lot
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1:26p, 7/12/19
AG
Actually, having the big celebration with her family, and Catholic convalidation at a Mass could be a good compromise.
People of integrity expect to be believed, when they're not, they let time prove them right.
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ntxaggie
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11:31a, 7/13/19
We are currently trying to plan the wedding of our non-Catholic daughter and her Catholic fiance. Her fiance's only "must have" for the wedding is to have his childhood priest perform the ceremony. This one thing has complicated everything.

While Catholics are allowed to get married outside of the church, each diocese and parish has their own rules. 'Our' Fr's parish rules are that their priests only perform weddings in a Catholic church. We had to scratch a dozen suitable reception venues that aren't anywhere near a Catholic church.

This also doubles the decorating and clean up responsibilities. If you have a traditional weekend wedding, you will be planning around mass and reconciliation times, which all seem to straddle the blocks of time that venues offer for festivities, forcing you to pay for a full day rental of the venue.

Most Catholic churches will not allow a wedding during Lent or Advent (we stupidly had been thinking a Spring Break or Christmas wedding to accommodate my daughter's grad school schedule).

More and more Catholic churches do not allow non-parishioner weddings in their building.

There are restrictions and expectations on form of ceremony, music, readings, etc.. My daughter took a hard stance against having a full mass and Communion, as she didn't want to have a wedding in which she, and all the non-Catholic guests, could not participate in some part of. This seems to be okay (but I wouldn't be surprised if it changes!)

I am not sure how much "help" your fiance will want, or how helpful your parents might want to be, but we have found that having a Catholic make the calls to churches to ask about rules and availability goes over much better and yields more favorable responses.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 11:48a, 7/15/19
Saint Pablo said:

Bad bull.


[So is quoting it. -Staff]
Staff, why is quoting their response bad bull? I did not know that was against any kind of rules or what not.
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Saint Pablo
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11:50a, 7/15/19
Thank you to everyone who had insightful and helpful responses! Will update with how everything turns out.
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Zobel
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5:53p, 7/15/19
AG
Maybe unpopular opinion. Faith isn't a place to bargain with In-laws. It's your life, it's going to be your house, with your rules. You're the leader of your house. Be kind, be loving, but don't adulterate your views to make other people feel good.

If you're a catholic, get married in the church. Marriage is a sacrament. Would you have a secular Eucharistic celebration then a quiet validation later just to keep from offending people?

Anyone who would be offended by you taking a firm, kind stance about something like this is unreasonable anyway.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to Zobel • 9:03a, 7/16/19
I get where you are coming from, but as long as it is a Catholic wedding ceremony, I am happy. If the bishop won't allow that, then it will be in the church. Otherwise, I don't have as strong an opinion on the location of the wedding.
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Zobel
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In reply to Saint Pablo • 9:37a, 7/16/19
AG
I'm more suggesting that you don't have two ceremonies. You are only married once. So why have two ceremonies? One is the real marriage. And if you do have two, certainly don't treat the one in the church - the actual wedding - as some kind of formality or check box. Just my two cents.
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Saint Pablo
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In reply to Zobel • 9:40a, 7/16/19
Ohh I follow you. I don't intend to do that!
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Dad-O-Lot
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9:55a, 7/16/19
AG
The wedding is more important than the celebration.

I see no issue with Sacramental wedding, secular celebration.
People of integrity expect to be believed, when they're not, they let time prove them right.
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Zobel
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In reply to Dad-O-Lot • 9:58a, 7/16/19
AG
I'm not sure what a secular celebration is unless you're just talking about a reception.

But you initially said - nice wedding at a venue she likes, with validation in the church. I personally don't think that's the way to go. That's more what I was talking about. Get married in the church, then have the reception wherever.... but that's pretty typical anyway.
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Duncan Idaho
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10:03a, 7/16/19
A catholic Buddy of mine got married off site in a simplified but catholic approved service.

It was a nice service. Not as long and drawn out as some of the catholic services I have been in but materially longer than some of the 5-10 min baptist wedding I have been in

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PabloSerna
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11:07a, 7/16/19
AG
What's that Bible verse??

For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Always took this to mean that you are really marrying your wife and not the family. My suggestion is you do what is best for you and your wife. If you can have this ceremony in the Church it would be memorable. Wish I had done it that way - got married by JP then validated in the Church years later (but that's another story).


Congratulations! Last bit f advice (was told this by an old priest when I went to confession at St. Peter's)

"The sanctity of your marriage - is your salvation!"

I will never forget it!

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Quad Dog
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11:18a, 7/16/19
AG
To give another opinion: You are marrying her, and her whole family. You'll have to see them for the rest of your life whether you want to or not. You may have to make concessions and do two ceremonies. Part of being married is doing things you are indifferent about to make your spouse happy
We all know families that have cut out other family members for many reasons, often it is over religion. If you put your foot down on a catholic ceremony, then you run the risk of her Baptist family cutting her out and not attending the ceremony (it happens). Why start your marriage together with that kind of stress? Why put your fiance in the position of choosing between you and her family? I have a buddy who's parents didn't attend his wedding for stupid reasons and it is a constant strain on their marriage. Most of the time it seems to an outsider like they are together to spite his parents and prove them wrong.
If your religion is important enough to you to run the above risk, then go for it. But do it knowing the possible consequences.
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Zobel
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In reply to Quad Dog • 12:01p, 7/16/19
AG
Quad Dog said:
To give another opinion: You are marrying her, and her whole family. You'll have to see them for the rest of your life whether you want to or not. You may have to make concessions and do two ceremonies. Part of being married is doing things you are indifferent about to make your spouse happy
We all know families that have cut out other family members for many reasons, often it is over religion. If you put your foot down on a catholic ceremony, then you run the risk of her Baptist family cutting her out and not attending the ceremony (it happens). Why start your marriage together with that kind of stress? Why put your fiance in the position of choosing between you and her family? I have a buddy who's parents didn't attend his wedding for stupid reasons and it is a constant strain on their marriage. Most of the time it seems to an outsider like they are together to spite his parents and prove them wrong.
If your religion is important enough to you to run the above risk, then go for it. But do it knowing the possible consequences.

No way no how, you are not marrying her whole family. There's only two folks up at that altar, two become one flesh.

Yeah, you're inheriting her family, but that should be a known quantity at this point. The truth in your statement is that the issue isn't going away. Making a concession now isn't going to make them happier about you being catholic later. If her family is going to cut her out over your faith, what is that to you? "A man's enemies will be the members of his own household."

You can't control other people, and you're not accountable for what her family does. However, your wife is your responsibility and you most certainly are accountable for her and yourself. "If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone." But this is a one-time deal that is far from trivial.

Remember. Baptists do not believe that marriage is a holy mystery or sacrament. Their view on this is far from in line with that of the Orthodox or the Roman Catholics.
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Quad Dog
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In reply to Zobel • 12:39p, 7/16/19
AG
Fair, and your faith/beliefs are strong enough to have that opinion and to accept the consequences of it.
I don't know how strong OP's convictions are. If he isn't that devout, then he can spend an hour smiling with his mouth shut at a ceremony to avoid a lifetime of tension with his in-laws. If he can avoid it, my advice would be to put his wife and marriage in a position to succeed instead of making a decision that will create a lifetime of headaches.

You'd be surprised (or maybe not) at how irrational people can get about weddings and funerals. I've seen people hold grudges for years because of relatively minor slights at these ceremonies. I'm just as guilty: I haven't spoken to an uncle in 10 years because of somethings he did at my Dad's funeral.
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