TLDR: Pray for me.
Well friends, I think it's time I disclosed this. I've been suicidal off and on for decades. Dealt with depression, dealt with anxiety. Part of the issue that I ultimately came to realize, is the very Nietzschean dilemma of nihilism. For pretty much ever, I saw absolutely no reason to continue to exist. As you can imagine, this was a fatal blow to virtually every aspect of my external and internal life, and I lived this out for many, many years. So, I tried a bunch of reasons and beliefs on for size. I needed a compelling reason to live. I needed a compelling reason to take any kind of action in life, even at the most rudimentary level. Obviously, I didn't have it. The awesome thing is, I recently came to a crazy realization. I do have a reason to act, and by God, I've been acting it out and I had no clue I was. This revelation immediately dissolved the suicidality. And I feel great. Really. A sense of persistent, positive emotion and even meaning in living. Truth is though, I'm not all the way there yet. I need a little help. In the midst of my existential crisis of being, I developed a number of poor habits and addictions, and boy are they ingrained in me mentally and neurologically. My shift in problem has been from a problem in being to a problem in living. I need some help. I need to break these habits and addictions. God, I've been trying so hard to, and not just since my realization. I've been trying to break them for a long, long time. I need some prayers. Please pray for me. Pray for me to let go of the cravings. Pray for me to let go of the resistance. Pray for me to surrender these issues. Thank you. I'd like to close by saying that I love each and every one of you, and not in spite of anything you might think is a negative about you, but because of it. Thank you.