quote:

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"Yup these steaks are medium rare."

"But what if somebody wants theirs well done?"

"We ask them kindly yet firmly to leave."

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Say this one all the time:


(In reference to some feminine thing Bobby was doing that Peggy was encouraging):

"Damnit Peggy, I'm trying to control an epidemic here and you're driving the monkey to the airport!"

"What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?"

Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

"Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine."

"Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you right now."

Bobby: "Can I put a gun rack on my bike?"

Hank: "Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?"

Bonus:

Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

Bobby:

"My dad says butane's a ******* gas."

Episode where Bobby was taking Home Ec and Hank didn't know about it.

Hank walks into Bobby's room and Bobby is holding a cheerleader uniform

"Bobby, there'd better be a naked cheerleader under your bed"

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"North Texas?....More like southern Oklahoma!!" - episode where they went to Cowboys training camp near the panhandle

In the episode where he has to get a gender test at the doctor's office because his drivers license is accidentally marked female:

"Can't you tell the difference between one that's God given and one that's been jerry-rigged out of an old toe and some extra skin?!"

No offense but he's from Oklahoma.

Pastor K: "Don't you think God's at this half-pipe?"
Hank "I'm sure God is a lot of places he'd rather not be."

"But Jesus had long hair."
Hank: "Only because I'm not his father."

You got an F in English? Bobby, you SPEAK English!

Hank: The only thing i'm pimping is Sweet Lady Propane, and I'm tricking her out all over this town!

Cotton: Hank, them's the keys to my Cadillac Car. Don't let the wife in it unless she's in a bag in the trunk

Cotton: What's the matter Hank's wife? Havin' your monthlies?

Tons of good ones now that I googled... too many to list.

• You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.

6am in the morning and already that boy ain't right.


You ruined my lawn but you saved my son, so I guess... We're even.


Sometimes we can pick up the news from San Antonio. (Quietly laughs to himself) San Antonio...

"Something's missing here. Something ain't right. It's like a pretty girl with short hair."

Two from one of my favorite episodes ("Husky Bobby" - where Bobby becomes a husky boy model and walks the cat walk at the mall):

[Hank goes to mall to retrieve Bobby]
Bobby: Why are you always trying to turn me into you? Why can't you accept me for who I am?
Hank: [sighs] Yeah yeah, we both saw that after-school special, but I'm not an alcoholic and you're not an ice skater, so let's go.

[As Hank is carrying Bobby out of the mall, and the local hooligans begin pelting the remaining husky boy models with doughnuts]
Bobby: Dad how did you know this was going to happen?
Hank: It's a fact of life Bobby. When you have teenaged boys, husky boys, and doughnuts all in the same place you're just asking for trouble.

Is this John occupied? Es esta Juan ocupado?

HANK: I thought you were busy teaching girls to blow up basketballs. When did this turn into a desire to ruin wrestling?
PEGGY: Oh, give me a break. I don't see how having a girl on the team would ruin it. Did a woman judge ruin the Supreme Court?
HANK: Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.