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How about:
Lisa: Dad, women won't like getting shot in the face with makeup.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.
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I like right before that when Marge says "Homer, I think you have it set on 'hoar.'"

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and right after this, he changes the setting and points the gun back and marge and goes:

"Alright, this time try and keep your nostrils closed."

No one's mentioned McBain?

Ice to see you!

and when Bart asks him what kind of mileage he gets in his Hummer:

1 Highway, 0 city

You ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.

I don't know how I missed this thread in the last day or two. But if there is a best Simpsons quote, it no doubt has left the mouth of Mr. Burns or maybe Troy McClure or Lionel Hutz

You suck, McBain!

THE PTA HAS DISBANDED??! AHHH! (jumps out 2nd story window)

Flanders: "No, no! The PTA has not disbanded!"

Some classic Burns quotes:

"Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?!!
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course."


Mr. Burns: "This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir."


"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"


My favorites include any of the antiquated American words Burns uses from the turn of the century or earlier:

"Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered."

and an excerpt from SimpsonsWiki:
Mr. Burns uses archaic phrases and antiquated expressions that have either changed meanings or fallen out of common usage in American English, including score (meaning 20), post-haste (quickly), petroleum distillate (gasoline), gay (jolly), dean (principal), velocitator and deceleratrix (a car's accelerator and brake), jumping box and picto-tube (television), Autogyro (helicopter), and the New York Nine (New York Yankees). He also answers the telephone in the same way as its inventor, Alexander Graham Bell, is purported to have answered it ('Ahoy, Hoy?'). In one episode, he also calls Smithers and says "Smithers, come here, I want you.", a take on what are reputedly the first words spoken by Alexander Graham Bell on his telephone ("Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you")

Salesman: This car gets 300 hectares to a single tank of kerosene.

Homer: What country is this from?

Salesman: It no longer exists.

(Cut to salesman pushing the car with Homer driving)

Salesman: Put it in H!!

Troy McClure showing the alternate ending for Who Shot Mr. Burns, where Smithers does it:

Troy McClure: But of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty.

Dr. Nick Riviera, helping Homer gain weight so that he can qualify as disabled and work from home:

:Now, there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow, steady gorging process combined with Assal Horizontology. Of course, you'll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group, the congealed group, and the chocotastic!

Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor?

Dr. Nick: Well, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Homer: You could brush your teeth with milk shakes!

Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain!

Nananana leader
Nananana leader
Nananana leader
Leader leader
Homer: batman, I mean leader. I love the leader

Marge: Now Homer, don't you eat this pie.

Homer: Okay. Alright pie, I'm just gonna do this "omph omph omph omph" and if you get eaten it's your own fault. "omph omph omph omph omph D'OH!" Oh My...Awe to hell with it.

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Nananana leader
Nananana leader
Nananana leader
Leader leader
Homer: batman, I mean leader. I love the leader

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I love this episode. A couple other gems:

Jane: A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.
Homer Simpson: [gets given a leaflet] Hmm. Makes Sense.
Jane: We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
Homer Simpson: How much is this free resort weekend?
Glen: It's free.
Homer Simpson: And when is this weekend?
Glen: It's this weekend.
Homer Simpson: Uh-huh. And how much does it cost?
Glen: Um, it's free.
Homer Simpson: I see. And when is it?
Glen: It's this weekend.
Homer Simpson: And what are you charging for this free weekend?
Bart Simpson: Come on, Dad. The team's arriving.
Homer Simpson: [being dragged away by Bart] It's free, right?
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Homer Simpson: Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
Glen: What are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there!
Homer Simpson: Oh, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span. Oh look! A bird!
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Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.
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Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
Smithers: Absolutely, sir.
Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you?
Smithers: Boy, would I.
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Homer (on several occasions): Outta my way, jerk-ass!
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Homer: Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na FISHING!

[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: (wipes away a tear) Excellent.

Principal Skinner: Ahhhh...diorama-Rama. My favorite school event after hearing test Thursday.

Radioactive man: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!!!

Grandpa: UH-OH!

Marge: Did you sit on the pie!?

Grandpa: I sure hope so.

Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you.
Homer: [distant, barely audible] No you won't!
Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: Won't!

________________________________________________
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

Alien: I bring you love!
Lenny: It brings us love! Don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs!!

Homer: Faster boy! He's got a taste for meat now!

A few from C. Montgomery Burns

Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won.
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I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
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This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.
[reads a page]
All right, let's see... "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.
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Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.
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Groundskeeper Willie: You've got the Shinning
Bart: I think you mean Shining
Willie: Shhh, you want to get sued

Apollo Comic: Black guys drive like this . . ., White guys drive like this, . . .

Homer: Yeah, us white guys are so lame!

Someone's probably already posted it but:

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Lionel Hutz: "Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, I'm not a doctor, the boy's not a doctor. The only person in this room that even comes close is this man."
Dr. Nick: "Stop...you're embarrassing me!"

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Bart Sells His Soul.

It's not a great quotable episode, but it's one of my favorites, and it has this gem:

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Sunday school room. Reverend Lovejoy has assembled all the children to find the culprit. Reverend Lovejoy: Everyone, repeat after me. Reverend Lovejoy & Children{in unison}: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola. Children are visibly terrified except for Bart. Bart{sarcastically}: Where my soul will be chopped into a million little pieces and used as confetti upon a parade of murderers and single mothers. Milhouse{serious}: Where hungry birds will eat my soul! Outdoors a raven looks through the window at Milhouse Raven: Squawk! Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart over there! Bart: Milhouse!

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Nibbles the squirrell rolls in his hamster ball through the snow to Principal Skinner, who is tied up in a dodge ball bag.
Principal Skinner: good job Nibbles! Now chew through my ball sack.
Nibbles - looks confused, rolls away

Chief Wiggum: [running up after Homer throws a souflee, fearing it may be low fat, and it explodes] Thank God it landed in that smoking crater, that could've hurt someone!

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Homer: Hey, Lenny, want some nuts? [shows a can]
Lenny: Hey, thanks. [Opens the can. Springs spring out and one stucks in Lenny's eye] Ow, my eye! [Homer laughs]
Moe: Homer, get out of here.
Homer: Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Want some nuts?
Moe: Thank you, I love nuts. [Opens the can and a spring stucks in Moe's eye] Ow! God, my eye!

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Abe: That's my brass knee! Steel hip! That one's news to me!

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Marge: Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
Homer: That's not how she tells it.

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Paul McGuiness (U2 Manager): Who are you? This is off limits.
Homer (with Irish Accent): Potato Man.
Paul McGuiness: Where the bloody hell have you been? Get in there!

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Bart: Nothing you say can upset us, we're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs nor lows.
Homer: Really, what's it like?
Lisa (shrugs): Meh...

Principal Skinner: Willie, the students are over stimulated. Remove the colored chalk.

Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya!?! That colored chalk is forged by Lucifer himself!!

Homer: "i love beer. And I love you, Marge, the bringer of beer."

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Mr. Burns uses archaic phrases and antiquated expressions that have either changed meanings or fallen out of common usage in American English, including score (meaning 20), post-haste (quickly), petroleum distillate (gasoline), gay (jolly), dean (principal), velocitator and deceleratrix (a car's accelerator and brake), jumping box and picto-tube (television), Autogyro (helicopter)

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Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

[Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.
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Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...
Homer: The Springfield River!
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Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Homer: Kids, I don't want to alarm you, but there may a Boogey Man or Men in the house!
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Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute... this sounds like rock and or roll

I was quoting the casino episode repeatedly and can't believe I forgot this one!

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Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

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