"Keep you head about you, even while all those around you are losing theirs and blaming it on you."

Since highschool I have collected quotes that I found funny or witty. Here are a few I believe to be the most true.

"Ignorance is bliss."

"Might makes right."

"All's fair in love and war."

"Women say they like funny guys, but what they really want is a guy who isn't fat. I know funny fat guys who never get laid."
-Rob Schneider

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

Always ask for a paternity test

If you shake it more than once, then you're playing with yourself.

You say that like there's something wrong with that.

You can sleep pole to pole
And you can sleep hole to hole
But you CANNOT sleep pole to hole

quote:

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You can sleep pole to pole

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That's gay!

If you're a plumber don't put your fingers in your mouth.

quote:

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I believe its, "Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."

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No, it's

"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm."

Never leave your wingman

if it floats, flies, or f****, you are better off renting

"Quando Omni Flunkis Moritati"


In English: When All Else Fails Play Dead

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….

You’re not as fat as you
imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. "

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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can read this in English, thank a Soldier.

Tools/Internet Options/Delete History

[This message has been edited by BaitShack (edited 5/24/2006 4:24p).]

You may thing its funny
To kiss your honey
When your nose is runny


But its snot.

"Might makes right." and it continues, "and the weak shall perish."

anyone remember this one: "Never fake the funk on a nasty dunk"

Mothers will always pull out baby pictures of you at the most inappropriate times. Be prepared: have pictures of her doing the macarena.

I find the video of mom doing a kegstand at my college graduation party does the trick too.

I have pics of my 70-year old mom drinking Jager straight from the bottle at my house last year for my parents 50th wedding anniversary.

I have pics of my dad drunk dancing at my cousin's wedding.

Underwear - it does have two sides.

"Anything that bleeds for days at a time every month yet still lives is not something to be trusted."

[This message has been edited by MattAg06 (edited 5/24/2006 6:20p).]

P@ssy & Gunpowder:
Live for one,
Die by the other,
and love the smell of both of them.

Don't ever confuse kindness for weakness

If it's wet and not yours, don't touch it.

dont poop anywhere but a designated place

Don't sheet where you eat.

Don't mistake ambition for ability.

As you go through life
two rules will never bend;
Never whittle towards yourself,
or pee against the wind!

[This message has been edited by matt_phel (edited 5/24/2006 11:44p).]

Never loan a girl you just met your cell phone unless she's hot and you don't mind receiving calls from her all the time...

If it has tires or testicles you're going to have problems with it.

If nobody shows up for your funeral, don't blame them.

Azzholes are usually born that way and they aren't likely to change.
(Jimmy Buffett c1970)