When life gives you lemons. Make Lemonaide. Then find someone whose life gives them vodka and make a party.

"Koopuns"

Q: How far will the plane go on one engine?

A: All the way to the crash site.

gary, I like that one too

Dunno my favorite, but the 1st that pops in my head is drunk in publIC

The Mexican doctor with the hot plate from Blue Collar 2

quote:

---

They call me tater salad

---

Tire college

"This is my son, Tater Tot."

The story he tells about Sunglass Hut (paraphrased):

"I was at the Sunglass Hut and I found a pair of sunglasses I liked. I liked them, I didn't love them. They were $300. I told the clerk I just bought a 21" color television for $218. He says to me 'Well you don't understand. These glasses block out 100% of UV rays.' And I say, 'No, You don't understand- my television decodes and displays a digital signal from outer ******* space.'"

[This message has been edited by threesheets (edited 3/31/2005 2:42p).]

I'll have you know that Cincinnati is the chili capitol of the world.

Funny, I would have thought it was Mexico City or Guadala-gdamn-jara.

I don't think you even told the Mexican boys you were having a contest.

.....


You can't ride home on a bowl of goat. I've always said that.

Alcoholics go to Meetings, Drunks go to Bars.

"Hush woman...I can't hear the ocean."


(Or something along those lines. Someone please correct me if it's wrong.)

What kind of stereo was it? I tried to think of something expensive, "Rolex?"


Mercedes-Benz.

Threesheets... it was a 25" color television.

...

And then I found out the glasses got cable, and I felt like an *******.

Alcoholics go to Meetings, Drunks go to Bars.

[This message has been edited by wadd96 (edited 3/31/2005 2:45p).]

"...with cow flatelance making ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle...AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP THE ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!"

"I'M EATIN' THE COWS!!!! But I'm only one man!"

Bonz '02
"And on the eighth day, God created the Aggies."

gotta add the "Most states are trying to abolish the death penelty. My state's puttin in an express lane"

I got a place to **** your sister!

You cain't ride home on a bowl of goat. I've always said that.

Then I found out the sunglasses got basic cable and I felt like a ********.

It fell off. It fell OFF. IT FELL THE **** OFF!

I'm hopin' this time next year they have to rename the Sears' Tower "Ron White's Big'ol ****in' Building"

Take him outside! He'll **** out there! I've seen him do it!

You can't not have sex with me for six months or I'll go find somebody else to have sex with. I know. I've seen me do it.

"you want us to clean up? nooo, move to another floor!"

Tire college is classic. But only slightly more funny than when his wife calls him at the hotel and tells him that the bulldog has crapped on the rug. and he tells her to put him on the phone.

"..so one day I was sitting naked in a bean bag chair eatin' cheetos.."

"I was a victim of profiling. See the cops were stopping every car on the sidewalk that day."

"It's not that the wind is blowing, it's what the wind is blowing."


You know what? The stuff on the range is the fun stuff. For example, let us "Like, you know, load safely, holster safely without shooting anyone, draw safely, and shoot well, and like, hit the target." Gunsite Training Center has a great advertisement that reads "Hard Fun." I couldn't agree more. You should go to school to learn, then to the range to practice competency. You want entertainment? Buy a kazoo. - Clint Smith

"...so I take off there from the Flagstaff Airport, haircare, and tire center."


"...because my manager doesn't own a globe."



"...he must have had a lot to live for."


"...we got passed by a kite."

"Remember when Hurricane Georges hit the keys? Well everyone evacuated except for one man who tied himself to a tree to prove that he could handle a force 3 hurricane. He said that because he did so many situps and pushups that he could withstand the wind and the rain. Well...it isn't how hard the wind is blowing but WHAT the wind is blowing. If you get hit with a Volvo...it doesn't really matter how many situps you did that morning."

How far will the plane get on one engine?
All the way to the scene of the crash. Which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a good half-hour!

I'm from Texas and in Texas we have the death penalty and we use it. That's right, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy. Right now there's a bill in the Texas legislature that would speed up the execution process of those convicted of a heinous crime with more than three credible witnesses. If more than three people saw you do what you did you don't sit on death row for 15 years Jack, you go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's puttin in an express lane.

The whole plan bit cracks me up.

"Evidently, he had a lot to live for"

One time I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on so long that eventually the criminal shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor." And I thinking, "I can see his head. Shoot him in his *****' head."

Drunk in public...

"Now, I didn't know how many of 'em it would take to kick my ass, but I knew how many they were gonna use...handy bit of information to have..."

Thanks for starting this thread -- needed the laugh.

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Not all those who wander are lost.

Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think about bouncing. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch Road House and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real *****, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all *****. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]

Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]

Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public.

Jeff Foxworthy: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.

Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]

Ron White: And I was just being a smart***, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!

[This message has been edited by Daveintx (edited 4/1/2005 9:59a).]