Hate to say it, folks, but the rest of y'all are playing for second place in terms of 2020's best Secret Santa. 713nervy has the win sewn up.
I open the box to this sight. Yes folks, that is a mysterious package resting on top of
five ****ing pounds of saltwater taffy.
![](https://f5s-img.s3.amazonaws.com/000/b2/93/b29345f021f17b591090c950b5a33cd3c4135946_126607_u114142.jpg)
What's in the package, you ask? Just a calendar that combines two of my favorite things - dogs and taking nice relaxing dumps. I didn't even tell Nervy about the latter - truly Santa Nervy knows all.
![](https://f5s-img.s3.amazonaws.com/000/58/b0/58b0876343cd8ff03bd194ad387518f153c116ab_103542_u114142.jpg)
But wait, there's more - nestled in amongst that sweet, sweet taffy, I find not one but two Whataburger shirts, so that I can let these benighted Carolina people know the joys of that orange and white restaurant. I'm wearing one of them right now.
![](https://f5s-img.s3.amazonaws.com/000/bb/5d/bb5d50b1aebc69a4df1df912365d195262359d97_57506_u114142.jpg)