Oops...
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says "Ribbit, Ribbit".....a horny toad says "Rub it, Rub it"
Post your dad jokes here
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103 Replies |
Last: 3 yr ago by tamu80
Oops...
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says "Ribbit, Ribbit".....a horny toad says "Rub it, Rub it"
I farted in a meeting and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on the Voice.
I had some 239 bean soup. If it had one more it would have been too farty.
I had some 239 bean soup. If it had one more it would have been too farty.
Na Zdrav 87 said:
A horse walks in to a bar.
Bartender asks it, "Will it be the usual, Sarah Jessica Parker?"
FIFY
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.79
Deer nuts are just under a buck.
Not really a joke these days:
Hey....is your dad a mail man?
No? Is he a female man?
Beer nuts are $1.79
Deer nuts are just under a buck.
Not really a joke these days:
Hey....is your dad a mail man?
No? Is he a female man?
What do you call a dinosaur that falls down?
A dino who is sore.
What does an astronaut take their food in?
A launch box
What did the food critic think of the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere
A dino who is sore.
What does an astronaut take their food in?
A launch box
What did the food critic think of the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere
What did the Hispanic fireman name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
Jose and Hose B.
- "Can you do my math homework for me, Dad?"
- "No son, it wouldn't be right"
- "No son, it wouldn't be right"
Why didn't the pirate let his kid see the movie?
It was rated R.
It was rated R.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
About a buccaneer!
About a buccaneer!
at least in wasn't Juan and Two!FWAppraiser said:
What did the Hispanic fireman name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
Your parents are two daddies and a chemistry set.
Gig 'em! '90
Hellen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a lamp.
Then a chair.
Then a lamp.
Then a chair.
TxSquarebody said:
Hellen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a lamp.
Then a chair.
Y'all is turrible.
jickyjack1
Since I am a dad, I'll give it a try.
One of my fish buddies told me this many many years ago.
There were these 2 "working" girls that lived in Dallas named Cleodus and Effie May. They each had just gotten back from their honeymoons and met up on the street.
Cleodus says " Effie May girl, how was your honeymoon?"
Effie May says " Good... We got to the Motel 6 about 6:30, got ourselves a bottle of ripple, and about 7:30 we had us a little performance."
Effie May then says " Cleodus, how was Your honeymoon?"
Cleodus says " 'bout the same, 'bout the same...we got to the Red Roof Inn about 7:00, got a 6 pack of Coors light, got comfortable.. and about 8:30 we had us a little performance... then about 9:30 we had us another performance... and then girl, the damnedest thing happened... about 10:45, we had us a rehearsal..."
Effie May says " Cleodus girl...what's a rehearsal???"
Cleodus says " You know, it's like a performance, when nobody comes"
One of my fish buddies told me this many many years ago.
There were these 2 "working" girls that lived in Dallas named Cleodus and Effie May. They each had just gotten back from their honeymoons and met up on the street.
Cleodus says " Effie May girl, how was your honeymoon?"
Effie May says " Good... We got to the Motel 6 about 6:30, got ourselves a bottle of ripple, and about 7:30 we had us a little performance."
Effie May then says " Cleodus, how was Your honeymoon?"
Cleodus says " 'bout the same, 'bout the same...we got to the Red Roof Inn about 7:00, got a 6 pack of Coors light, got comfortable.. and about 8:30 we had us a little performance... then about 9:30 we had us another performance... and then girl, the damnedest thing happened... about 10:45, we had us a rehearsal..."
Effie May says " Cleodus girl...what's a rehearsal???"
Cleodus says " You know, it's like a performance, when nobody comes"
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He counts "uno, dos..." poof. He's gone without a tres.
Why did the cowboy get a Dachshund?
Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.
Why did the scarecrow get a major award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.
Why did the scarecrow get a major award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Penguin is driving through Arizona and starts to have car trouble. He stops at the next town and finds a mechanic to look at his car. While he's waiting he's thinking to himself that August in Arizona is no place for penguin so he decided to go to an ice cream shop to cool off.
Well because he a penguin with flippers instead of hands he can't exactly use a spoon to eat his ice cream. So he slaps it around the table like a hockey puck making a real mess getting the ice cream all over him in the process.
After lapping up as much as he can, he decides it's time to leave the shop and go check on his car.
He finds the mechanic and asks him about his car. The mechanic takes at the ice cream covered penguin and says with a sad face. "It looks like to blew a seal." To which the surprised penguin quickly responds quickly, "Oh goodness no. This is just ice cream."
Well because he a penguin with flippers instead of hands he can't exactly use a spoon to eat his ice cream. So he slaps it around the table like a hockey puck making a real mess getting the ice cream all over him in the process.
After lapping up as much as he can, he decides it's time to leave the shop and go check on his car.
He finds the mechanic and asks him about his car. The mechanic takes at the ice cream covered penguin and says with a sad face. "It looks like to blew a seal." To which the surprised penguin quickly responds quickly, "Oh goodness no. This is just ice cream."
Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle, and a well dressed man on a unicycle??
Attire.
Attire.
A bad craftsman always blames his fools tools.
Edit: stupid autocorrect.
Edit: stupid autocorrect.
What do yo get when a lawnmower runs over a bird.
Shredded tweet
Shredded tweet
What do an Eskimo and a Tupperware salesman have in common?
They're both looking for a tight seal.
They're both looking for a tight seal.
What's the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono from snatching a kiss...
You get mono from snatching a kiss...
Paul Revere sat down to eat at an Italian restaurant. At that moment a woman walked by he knew to be a British spy. He told the waiter, "Hold the spumoni. I'm going to follow the chick and catch a Tory."
I caught some vegans in my basement.. They keep yelling "lettuce leaf!"
How do organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Hear about the guy who ate too much alphabet soup? He had a huge vowel movement.
Are French fries made in France? No, grease.
Which bees produce milk when scared. Boo bees.
Why did the printer start playing music? The paper was jamming.
Hear about the guy who stood up a girl after inviting her to the gym? They just weren't going to work out.
What's the biggest pan in the world? Japan
Why does Peter Pan fly everywhere? He can neverland.
What country has the fastest growing Capital? Ireland. It's always Dublin.
How do organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Hear about the guy who ate too much alphabet soup? He had a huge vowel movement.
Are French fries made in France? No, grease.
Which bees produce milk when scared. Boo bees.
Why did the printer start playing music? The paper was jamming.
Hear about the guy who stood up a girl after inviting her to the gym? They just weren't going to work out.
What's the biggest pan in the world? Japan
Why does Peter Pan fly everywhere? He can neverland.
What country has the fastest growing Capital? Ireland. It's always Dublin.
What do you put on a sick pig?
Oinkment
Oinkment
I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey....but I turned myself around.
Then I became addicted to brake fluid, I could stop whenever I wanted.
What does a pirate with a sweet tooth eat for a snack?
A candy barrrrrrgh.
A candy barrrrrrgh.
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm were driving down the street when they get pulled over.
Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Officer: "You were going 50 in a 35."
Heisenberg: "Now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"
Suspicious, the officer says, "I'm gonna need you to pop the trunk."
Officer: "Did yall know there's a cat back here?"
Schrodinger: "We do know, *******!"
The officer then proceeds to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Officer: "You were going 50 in a 35."
Heisenberg: "Now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"
Suspicious, the officer says, "I'm gonna need you to pop the trunk."
Officer: "Did yall know there's a cat back here?"
Schrodinger: "We do know, *******!"
The officer then proceeds to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Philip.
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
I woke up exhausted
How do you tell a great farmer from a bad farmer?
A great farmer is out standing in his field.
A great farmer is out standing in his field.
What is the most unpredictable animal on Earth?
bipolar bear
bipolar bear
This is how my military Dad woke us up for school just before he left for work. Bedroom door bursts open:
"HEY! RISE AND SHINE, RISE AND SHINE! WHATS BIG, RED AND EATS ROCKS?!"
"TAKE A GUESS! TAKE A GUESS!"
"IT'S A BIG.RED.ROCK-EATER!!!" Laughs insanely.
Every damn morning.
I'd give anything to wake up one more time like that.
P.S. If one of us groaned, "A big red rock-eater?" He'd go, "Aw, you've heard it before."
"HEY! RISE AND SHINE, RISE AND SHINE! WHATS BIG, RED AND EATS ROCKS?!"
"TAKE A GUESS! TAKE A GUESS!"
"IT'S A BIG.RED.ROCK-EATER!!!" Laughs insanely.
Every damn morning.
I'd give anything to wake up one more time like that.
P.S. If one of us groaned, "A big red rock-eater?" He'd go, "Aw, you've heard it before."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo it was possible.
To prove to the armadillo it was possible.
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