You foster before you adopt from the state. I think it's fairly easy to send a foster child back. Which is horrible for the kids.

No but I am adopted.

p1 Claire said:

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And she is seriously one of the most precious things I have EVER seen! I have enjoyed watching her grow up!

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You're too sweet!

ReloadAg said:

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I realize I'm taking my chances here by posting on the GB but I'm hoping in the midst of some funny/witty/useless replys there might be some pertinent anecdotes in here as well.

I'm 36 and the wife is 34 and we have 2 daughters, 5 and 3. The wife wants another kid but doesn't want to have another biological child due to 2 extremely rough pregnancies with the first two children. I'm indifferent. I'm perfectly happy with 2 kids and am enjoying our life now that the youngest is out of diapers and all that. However, I guess I can see the appeal of having another child in the long run but at this point I'm definitely dragging my feet.

I've agreed to look into adoption with her but only to dip our toe in the water and find out some more information as it's something I've never remotely considered previously. I also made it known that I would only consider a child the same race as our family, without any special needs, and younger than my youngest kid. Call me what you want, but that's my preference.

Has anyone else gone through the process of adopting a child before?

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Twice, one was a private adoption, one was through an agency.

ReloadAg said:

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Personal preference I guess. I just thought it'd be easier to assimilate a child into your family and easier growing up if the kid looked like the rest of the family.

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I have 2 adopted daughters..adopted and home within 45 days of birth. My second is mixed white and black, but didn't look it at birth. First time I saw her, I knew (there was some pigmentation on he fingers).

Over next year, her hair changed to have some afro qualities, but her eyes stayed a beautiful blue.

I spent several years waiting/expecting someone to say or do something hateful to set me off. She's now 10 and I've never seen so much as a sideways glance.

I'll say this, wife lost 4 boys in utero in some tragic circumstances. After first adoption, I knew the first time I held my first daughter that none of the details mattered. She was our child, we would raise her, and we'd be family. Very true to this day at 14 years old.

Race, gender, etc. doesn't matter, anymore than any of the unique traits your biological kids have.

In my opinion.

I want to adopt so badly. Some day.

ChiliBeans said:

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Serious question: How difficult is it to re-home a rescue child if you decide that he's just not a good fit for your family and lifestyle right now, and you want him to go to a happy home with more room to run around and play?

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When we were deepest into the trauma therapy with our girls our therapist commented, "Most foster parents just send kids with these problems/behaviors back." We were beyond floored that anyone would go through the trouble of getting started only to give up that easily.

For those that adopted- how old were your kids when you told them?

Tatem said:

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For those that adopted- how old were your kids when you told them?

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My son was 4 days old. I was 22 days old when I got picked up.

Tatem said:

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For those that adopted- how old were your kids when you told them?

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We have had our daughter since about 10 minutes after her birth. We have an adoption story book (you give the company some details and they customize it to your story) that we read to her to help explain. She will always know she was adopted. We also have an open adoption, though we have not had much contact returned from them recently.

We choose to use the past tense, ex, "was adopted" vs "is adopted", as we consider it an event that happened and she is 100% a part of our family.

My kids have never not known. It's not shameful or anything at all to hide. So important to be open and make it part of who they are.

We have pictures of birth parents we can show them whenever they want. It's part of the fabric of who they are, and should never be denied or hidden.

Somewhat timely... Just got an email from Adoptive families of Houston about their Birth mother panel

https://afh.membershiptoolkit.com/calendar/event/6207080

September 21 at 7pm.

I would highly recommend registering for this if you are in the Houston area and considering adoption. The vast majority of agency adoptions are open these days, though you still get some closed. This is an awesome insight to birth mothers and may help dispel any fears about open adoptions. It was what finally got me 100% on board.

All "open" adoption actually means is that you know the birth parents names and they know yours. Past that it is like any other relationship, it can develop in all kinds of ways or not at all. Ours started out with a lot of contact, but now its down to email updates every few months that only sometimes get any response and we see our daughters birth grandparents (birth mother's parents), once or twice a year since they live in Houston too.
As mentioned previously, every adoption is different.

There are no enforceable adoption contracts in Texas. In Texas, birth parents can not terminate their parental rights until 48 hours after birth. However, once they have terminated their rights, there is no grace period to change their mind. Other states have different laws, but Texas law is very friendly to adoptive parents.

We have adopted 3 children over the years. It was a painless and exciting experience for all of them. 2 of them have already died, and this last one we told ourselves we're not going to waste money with emergency room visits and medicine when that time comes. We already have to keep her in the basement at night because she's acting up and ruining the furniture and carpet, so we're thinking we're probably not going to keep her around much longer.

Out of all 3 cats, I'll miss this one the most.

ac04 said:

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Brad06ag said:

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Tatem said:

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For those that adopted- how old were your kids when you told them?

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We have had our daughter since about 10 minutes after her birth. We have an adoption story book (you give the company some details and they customize it to your story) that we read to her to help explain. She will always know she was adopted. We also have an open adoption, though we have not had much contact returned from them recently.

We choose to use the past tense, ex, "was adopted" vs "is adopted", as we consider it an event that happened and she is 100% a part of our family.

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she probably won't remember a book you read her 10 minutes after her birth

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I said read, not read.

We've told her since day one. When she was a baby, I would tell her her adoption story every day while I held her. That was on the advice of our therapist who said that was more for me to get used to repeating it out loud and deciding how I wanted to phrase things. Now she tells others the whole story herself as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

"Before I was born, I grew in <birth mom's> tummy and she and <birth father> loved me so much that they wanted me to have the best family ever. Mommy and daddy wanted me to be their daughter and my sisters wanted me to be their baby sister, so they asked if they could adopt me and <bm/bf> said that they could. When I was born, everyone was so happy and they brought me home and the judge said they should be my family and then I was adopted."

We don't talk about it every day anymore. Probably with the same frequency that anyone talks to their kids about when they were pregnant with them/when they were born. In my experience, all young kids go through stages where they want to discuss all that a lot. I think that if you're not honest about the adoption aspect at that point, you would have a lot of difficulty later when an older kid realized you omitted some truth during those early conversations.

You really have to consider how your biological kids will feel about it.

I have some friends who have biological kids in middle school and decided to adopt two young siblings. Adopted kids usually will have issues that require a lot more attention. Our friends biological kids are resentful that so much time is taken away from their parents for these new kids.

You also have to consider financial. Do the adopted kids get the same cut of inheritance? That might not go over so well when the time comes.

Rusty_Shakleford said:

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You really have to consider how your biological kids will feel about it.

I have some friends who have biological kids in middle school and decided to adopt two young siblings. Adopted kids usually will have issues that require a lot more attention. Our friends biological kids are resentful that so much time is taken away from their parents for these new kids.

You also have to consider financial. Do the adopted kids get the same cut of inheritance? That might not go over so well when the time comes.

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This is such an offensive and horrible use of stereotyping adopted kids.

Sounds like those "biological" kids need some work.

I don't even know where to start with this. Just some friendly advice; you probably shouldn't comment on anything related to adoption if this is all you have to offer.

I'm going to agree that you have to consider your bio kids and involve them age appropriately in the process.

But...
I'll keep it short. When you adopt, they are your kids. There is no distinction. They are all your kids.

CowtownAg06 said:

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I'm going to agree that you have to consider your bio kids and involve them age appropriately in the process.

But...
I'll keep it short. When you adopt, they are your kids. There is no distinction. They are all your kids.

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Only if you also feel you should age appropriately include your kids in a decision to have a biological child.

So many comments in this discussion that labels adopted kids like some freak. Edna Gladney pioneered an effort many years ago to remove label "illegitimate" from adopted child's birth certificate. While we've come a long ways, many of the viewpoints in this discussion show that lots of people view adopted children as some second class citizen.

Saddens me.

Have a friend who has a whole passel of adopted and biological kids of every shape and color. They have had a lot of ups and downs throughout the process, but have made me a believer. If for whatever reason we're not blessed with biological kids I'm calling them for the playbook.

I was adopted. It was the mid-60s, and done thru the church, so I don't know how hard it was for my folks vs what you would go through.

my Dad and Mom told the story of them being at the adoption office and the lady going to get me and the nerve-wracking anticipation of her coming up the steps to bring me to them. Dad vividly remembered the sound of the adoption agency lady's heels on the stairs. It always made me feel wonderful/special to hear of their anticipation/nerves just to meet me.

My step-son and daughter-in-law are having their third now. Did fertility regimes to have #2 because they didn't think they could have more. 3 years later, we have a miracle on the way. He thought he was done and is psyched (in a good way) now.

I don't know how hard it is to get a child via adoption these days, or what risks (of developmental issues, handicaps, etc) you might have to face, but I wish you the best, and I'm rooting for you to get your third.

Ezekiel is a cool as F name, btw.

Oh, and as far as the attachment to an adopted kid...

I have done the 23andMe thing and have found my biological family (one half, so far). I have a pleasant relationship with them. But I have one Dad and one Mom. They raised me to be the person I am. I owe everything I am to them. They only had two kids, both of us were adopted. They would have laid down their lives to protect us if it had ever come to that. There is no "less than" in our bonds. No ifs, no buts. Just family. One unit, no hesitation or reservations.

The OP asked for advice. This wasn't my opinion, it's a big issue I've heard parents and siblings of adopted children talk about. The fact that some people would find it offensive to consider the feelings of your biological kids before you adopt is scary.

Rusty_Shakleford said:

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You really have to consider how your biological kids will feel about it.

I have some friends who have biological kids in middle school and decided to adopt two young siblings. Adopted kids usually will have issues that require a lot more attention. Our friends biological kids are resentful that so much time is taken away from their parents for these new kids.

You also have to consider financial. Do the adopted kids get the same cut of inheritance? That might not go over so well when the time comes.

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Rusty's comments are not dangerous or hurtful. It's something to consider. My sister and I were both adopted, so there was no "divide" to bridge.

But there are so many blended families these days, I would think it would be unusual for "natural" kids to feel more entitled than "add-on" kids.

I have friends in their 40s who are sisters. Their parents couldn't conceive, so they adopted. Literally within a couple of months, they were amazed to find themselves expecting, naturally! The two sisters were only about a year apart, and were as close as sisters get. no thoughts given to biology. Step-siblings have similar "potential" issues, but if the parents handle it right, they won't foment in their kids minds. Older kids (regardless of biology) are often resentful of the attention spent on their new siblings. It really is a zero sum game, sometimes. It would be the same regardless of adoption or not. Also, if the "middle school" kids don't accept their siblings as "complete and fully deserving" siblings by the time inheritance becomes an issue, that's not on the institution of adoption, it would be completely on your friends' performance as parents.

No, but I adopted a child after.

My wife and I were seriously considering adopting a girl to go with our boys. Until our friends mentioned that the older siblings had issues we never really considered that aspect. ( I shouldn't have said "they are resentful", more like "they mention it from time to time" which worries their parents) That still wouldn't have stopped us from adopting but it's an important thing to consider. Definitely a zero-sum game with parents' attention.

The inheritance issue was actually brought up by our estate planter who advised addressing the issue to avoid conflicts later. I'm not condoning or judging the fairness of anything, just passing along the advice that was given to us as things to consider.

Our natural kids have such an optimal mix of genetics that there's no way I could put up with some inferior genetic cocktail of a kid.

I have adopted. Read up on RAD if the child is older than newborn. It can be really really tough. Many times this child takes 80% of our attention.