I realize I'm taking my chances here by posting on the GB but I'm hoping in the midst of some funny/witty/useless replys there might be some pertinent anecdotes in here as well.

I'm 36 and the wife is 34 and we have 2 daughters, 5 and 3. The wife wants another kid but doesn't want to have another biological child due to 2 extremely rough pregnancies with the first two children. I'm indifferent. I'm perfectly happy with 2 kids and am enjoying our life now that the youngest is out of diapers and all that. However, I guess I can see the appeal of having another child in the long run but at this point I'm definitely dragging my feet.

I've agreed to look into adoption with her but only to dip our toe in the water and find out some more information as it's something I've never remotely considered previously. I also made it known that I would only consider a child the same race as our family, without any special needs, and younger than my youngest kid. Call me what you want, but that's my preference.

Has anyone else gone through the process of adopting a child before?

If you're already dragging your feet, you don't want #3

Quote:

---

I would only consider a child the same race as our family, without any special needs, and younger than my youngest kid

---

Stand in line.

You'll likely have to settle for an orphan Russian pyromaniac who, despite all the love its given, matures into a mass murderer before his/her 18th birthday.

Sounds like y'all should get a dog

It would be easier and cheaper to divorce her now

Rule 1 on the wife

I would definitely do a ton more research before you meet with anyone. With all your requirements private adoption is the most likely route and it can take several years to be selected by a birth parent. Private adoption can be expensive ($30-$40k for a newborn) and going overseas just means more travel expense staying overseas in a foreign country instead of the legal expense.

You can certainly foster and adopt through the state. It also takes a while but you have to foster a certain amount of time before you can try to adopt and it can be difficult if the parent doesn't want to terminate their rights. Also the child may not have any disabilities you can see but usually hasn't been in a good environment the first few years of their life so it can be a challenge to integrate them into your family.

I have family that has done both. Both had good outcomes, but neither had biological children.

It's a really big and potentially very expensive choice. I encourage to adopt if you can, but it's not easy or quick. There are lots of hoops to jump through to prove you have a good family and house to raise a child.

If you aren't on board I wouldn't consider it. It's a long process and can get emotional when you don't get a child or the child only ends up with you for a short time. My sister adopted and they had a few false starts in bringing a child home so they never mentioned outside the family they were adopting. They didn't announce it till they had him home a week. He was a baby, so no baby shower till he was a month old (only child). Circumstances change all the time, so nothing in the adoption realm is guaranteed till the paperwork is done and can be very emotional and discouraging. It might not be as bad since you already have kids but everyone I know that adopted said it just takes time and patience to get through the process.

Everyone talks about adoption like it's easy and you just go adopt a child. It isn't simple, especially if you want a younger child. It takes a while and a ton of patience. It's rewarding in my opinion, but you need to really want the child.

It would be cheaper and way more fun to get the vasectomy reversed.

Before what? Before you ended your sentence with a preposition?

I'm sorry, my Mom was an English teacher.


My Dad was the greenhouse gas. Yes, it comes from the paternal side.

Some friends went the China route and it cost about $35k.

Quote:

---

I also made it known that I would only consider a child the same race as our family

---

What's the reasoning here?

No, but there is this 18 year old Korean girl we've had our eye on.....

Given the info given, I will echo the others on this thread about having a serious convo with the wife. If you don't want another kid, you need to talk now. It's ok to not want another, it doesn't make you a bad person.

My wife and I were in the same position 4 years ago with the adoption of a relative... kids of our own that were at the point of relative independence of daily tasks, etc. I was not 100% on board, but in the best interest of the child we decided to do it. It was and still is a tough transition but we had family dynamics to consider as well.

For your situation, with no obligation, I would enlist CASA to talk through whether this is a good decision for your family.

We adopted a bit over a year ago. Had a couple false starts. Bad agency fit with our first agency and a some craziness minds being changed at the last minute but we knew that it could happen going in. I'm typically a pessimist so an assume the worst mentality meant that the whole thing was easier than I expected (but it wasn't easy). The wait for same race, no special needs will add to your time more than likely (if going domestic). I would also agree to not go to an informational with an agency until you know this is something you want to do. If you really want to chat in more detail email me at kruse dot joshua at gmail

We adopted a baby from the US last August from Colorado (from birth, at the hospital). We used a fabulous facilitator to help us locate agency's to use. We LOVED her, although she cost about $4000 but without her we would probably never have our baby. When you go this route you can select the race and even gender of the baby. We were pretty open but ended up with the cutest baby ever!
We started with CPS in texas but decided that wasn't for us. You can specify race, no specials needs, etc with CPS but you may have to wait awhile to be placed and there's always the risk the child will return to birth parents.

I would be more than happy to help. It's a huge, crazy area to navigate on your own.
It did cost us about $38,000 but costs can vary depending the situation, and obviously she was worth it!

I adopted my oldest son when he was 18 months old. If you adopt then it is best to let the child grow up knowing they are adopted. We celebrate June 13 every year as Adoption Day. It is a special day for us. He just turned 24 and being adopted has been perfectly normal for him. I remind him that I chose to be his dad because he is so awesome.

I am a family law attorney and do a ton of adoptions. Do not even consider it unless you are 100% in because that child deserves a parent that is all in on wanting to raise them. It is a life changing decision that you cannot take back.

Thanks

Personal preference I guess. I just thought it'd be easier to assimilate a child into your family and easier growing up if the kid looked like the rest of the family.

I agree we both need to be 100% behind having another kid first before we proceed forward in anything. I think if she wanted to have biological kid 3 I could get behind it but adoption is so out of the box for me I struggle with it. But again I have little information to go on this point so I appreciate the thoughtful responses so far.

IMHO....and this is something my wife and I struggled with about the same time as you.

She wanted another kid (we have two boys and she wanted a girl). We had some problems with post partem after each and it was really bad after the second.

In my experience, women 2-3 years post delivery go through a phase where they miss having the baby. It's part psychological and part hormones. For some women having kids is as addictive as drugs. Babies flip a feel good switch in many mama's brains. It's biological.

I dragged my feet on having a third biologically because of the post partem after our second and dragged my feet on adopting for the third because I was burnt out from the kid raising and the post partem.

What I told her was that we needed to wait 2 years until the youngest was five in order to see if we really wanted to go back to the sleepless nights, the constant diaper changes, the added expense, etc.

Two years later (now the youngest is 5 and the oldest is 7) and baby fever has dissipated. We have discussed it again and she told me she was glad we hadn't had a third and that she was good with our family the way it was.

Once you get to this point the kids will be 5 and 7 and involved in things like softball, teeball, Girl Scouts, etc. and life will get busy again. Right now is the calm before the storm...kids are somewhat self sufficient but not involved in a lot of extra curriculars. Once they are involved in extracurriculars things will get real busy again.

In a nutshell:

Realize your wife is going through baby withdrawal and that now is not a good time to make the decision about whether to add another kiddo to the family. Wait until the baby withdrawal has passed and you have had a chance to settle into life sans infant for another two years and then revisit the issue. You and the wife will probably be shocked to discover her opinion has changed.

If it hasn't then you shoukd seriously consider adoption.

Our daughter is adopted. We brought her home immediately after birth, 5 years ago. She is our only child together (I have two stepdaughters who are quite a bit older).

The decision to adopt her was much, much easier for me than it was for my husband. I'd had two miscarriages and it had become evident that I'd never carry a baby to term, so we were sort of in this weird place where we had made peace with not having a child together and thinking about what our lives would be after my step kids were grown, but also still mulling over the possibility of adoption.

I know he ultimately agreed to it for two reasons 1) because I really wanted a child, and he wanted me to be happy and 2) he felt obligated because her birth parents are close relatives and he didn't want 'the baby' to be adopted by strangers. As a result, he wasn't as bonded with our daughter as quickly as I was. Pretty much from the moment she was born, I felt like her mom. He never flat out said it, but I think it was well over a year before he really felt like he was her dad. He still loved her and took great care of her, but the deep, true affection he had with my stepdaughters wasn't quite there.

She'll be 5 next week, and their relationship is too precious for words. She literally calls him "sweet baboo" and he calls her a variation of her name that no one else uses. They're all but inseparable and he often tells me that he's grateful to me for being so certain about the adoption because he can't imagine our lives without her. I know everyone says this about their youngest, but it's very true that she made our family whole and complete.

Adoption is complex and there are a ton of factors to consider besides just do you want another child, but that's obviously the first question to be answered. We have a sort of unusual open adoption and we did it privately, using our own attorney instead of an agency. If you have any specific questions about all that, I'd be happy to answer them via pm.

TL;DR--We just did it, don't be a poon--go to the free orientation even if you aren't "100%" committed, Foster care is how we did it.


We just finalized the adoption of our two girls last month. They have been living with us from the foster care system for just over two years. I don't know anything about private adoption, except that all adoptions are facilitated by private agencies in our state after parental rights are terminated. We never looked into the private route or international because using the state foster system is essentially free.

First off--I could not disagree more with all those saying that you have to be 100% committed to adopting to begin the process. This is faulty logic, I was practically in shock at the birth of our first two kids, and there are plenty of days where I wish I had less responsibility. You already know that feeling, or you are good at deluding yourself. Any part of the adoption or foster process is going to have a series of 'no commitment' orientations that will expose you to the realities of the experience and the extreme need in every community. Our facilitators seemed hell-bent on talking people OUT of fostering based on the stories they told. There is absolutely no reason, other than being a total poon, not to agree to attending some type of orientation if you are considering this. On the other hand, being open and honest with your wife about your doubts IS CRITICAL. Go and learn everything you can for free, and talk about every one of the classes with her afterward--SHE might end up talking YOU out of it.

Our story: We have two bio sons who are 'tweens'. Both were pregnancies were totally without issue. At about the time that we would have thought about a third, we moved across the country and restarted our careers. When things were smoothed out again, it just seemed too late to go natural again. At the same time, we both felt called to help--put our money where our mouth is, so to speak, regarding the problems in our, and everyone's, community.

Our first point was that our bio sons should be safe, so we stipulated on our foster license that the children would be infant thru at least 4 years younger than our younger son. My wife and I both work, so we stipulated no 'medically fragile' children. We did not stipulate gender or race--but you can and should be specific if you have those wishes. Why? A couple of examples--you would be expected to be an expert in the care of hair for a black child, and you would be expected to celebrate the culture of any race of child (think holidays, food, etc), and you would be expected to follow tribal customs if you fostered a native American child. You should also specify the ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM NUMBER of children you would accept into your home. We allowed up to two, because we didn't want to be responsible for splitting up siblings. After hearing about the extreme need and shortage of foster homes in our state, we were surprised to wait for 60 days or so our first placement of two children. Talking with clients of mine, who happen to be family law attorneys, it was shared that as soon as we stated we were willing to take two, we were getting two. The powers that be were not going to let that opportunity pass.

This is already too long, but I'll throw out a couple more things--working with the state is pain. I called it a 3 year long proctology exam--your pants are pulled down for everyone to see during that period. Your family is interviewed, including your children, your references are checked, and your home will have modifications made--guaranteed. My favorite is the water heater being turned to just above lukewarm. Finally, as mentioned above there may be some placements that go back to their bio families. In the eyes of the state, this is a success. As a foster parent you have to commit to the state's goal of reunification. Once parental rights are terminated, you get the joy of waiting for a frivolous appeal. It may be a low cost way of adopting, but it is not fast.

Post up an email or other contact info if you'd like to talk more--my email if my name, so not gonna post it here.

Edit to add funny story re: race--I have dark features, hair, eyes, tan easily, while my wife has blonde hair and blue eyes. The girls are similarly divided. On multiple occasions in public places, strangers have commented that one girls looks just like me, while one looks just like my wife. Funny how things work out sometimes...

One more edit: My google-fu is weak, but I see that there were 31000+ foster children in TX in 2008. This website posts more current info: http://www.pathway.org/programs/foster-care/statistics/
You will not wait long to be placed with exactly the type of child you specify.

Have a friend that is a lawyer. He and his wife adopted their only child as an infant. They spent north of $35,000. They knew from the get-go that they would adopt one child. They also found out early on that biologically, having a kid on their own was not happening.

With respect to adopting, follow up on what a lot of other posters said regarding missing having a baby around.

Also be clear that you're not 100% on board. And this isn't talking about buying new furniture, remodeling the house, or even getting a dog. With that stuff, there's always options if it isn't exactly what you want. This is another human. This may be a difficult stretch of water to navigate, but you and your wife both have to be 100% on board before even beginning to consider. You'd be doing yourself a massive favor by making your reservations known right now.

ETA: like the poster above said, it is worth talking about and even looking into further information. Just be clear about your own wishes for your family right now.

Why do you hate money?

txag1994 said:

---

If you adopt then it is best to let the child grow up knowing they are adopted.

---

Oh yeah, it's a total mind **** to find it out later courtesy of Ancestry DNA or 23&Me.

I disagree about having to be 100% as well. You do have to be 100% open in your communication with each other and should make a good decision before you start paying any money.

We adopted our 2.5yo. I was not on board 100% when we first started discussions. We went to one of the free info sessions and that really helped a lot. The biggest thing that helped me get over my reservations was going to a birth parent panel through Adoptive Families of Houston.

Most of the people that I've talked to seem to have the same reservations as me, "open" adoptions, bonding, etc. Forums are good for general information, but I would highly recommend talking in person with one or more couples who have adopted and ask tons of questions. My experience is that most adoptive parents will be receptive to prying questions from someone thinking about or in the process.

For most people, the idea of others adopting is easy, but the reality of doing it yourself is a big step to overcome.

Gather information and have honest discussions with each other. There are some tough situations that can happen during the process, and you really want to avoid an "I told you I didn't want to do this" moment.

We went private adoption. Our initial application submission to placement was 9 months and we finalized exactly 6 months after that ( the minimum time after placement in Texas). Our process was faster than average but not without some serious road bumps. If you want to talk more, email is user name at g mail. In Houston if you wanted to talk.

Gonna throw my hat in here again. I agree that you don't have to be 100% on board from the get go as long you are open and honest about where your head is at.

However, I would recommend waiting until the 3 year old is 4 before you start getting too deep into this. There is a BIG difference between the ages of 3 and 4 and I would reiterate that a lot of what your wife is feeling could just be the fact that the 3 year old is no longer an infant and she is craving baby time.

This isn't an instantaneous process. Probably six months of classes and home visits and paperwork. And being that specific on what kind of child they will accept I would say probably another 2 years especially if they want a child under 2.

I have 3 family members that have adopted, 2 in the last year or so. The fasted way to adoption is to accept any child. If you want a small child, same ethnicity, no problems it's a much tougher process. You can't just say I want a child and expect one a couple months later. It does happen but it isn't the norm.

I am both adopted and have adopted a child. I love that adoption is part of my life and we've had a great experience with our son. Like you, we had 5 and 3 year bio kids when we got him. There have been a lot of good points on this thread already, but let me add a few more.

1.) There is really no such thing as "normal" when it comes to adoption. Every situation is really different, and every kid is going to process it differently. If you go into thinking, I need things to go a specific way to be happy, watch out.
2.) It's been one of the most life giving and joyful experiences our family has ever gone through. That said, your life will less convenient than before for a number of reasons.
3.) I want to reiterate, how important communication is for you and your wife on this. You HAVE to be on the same page here.


Feel free to PM if you have any more questions. I'd be happy to talk from either perspective.

And she is seriously one of the most precious things I have EVER seen! I have enjoyed watching her grow up!

Serious question: How difficult is it to re-home a rescue child if you decide that he's just not a good fit for your family and lifestyle right now, and you want him to go to a happy home with more room to run around and play?