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(9:15) I sit down in the den and start coming up with cool new ways to misspell Aggie. Finally, after an hour, I settle on "aigeg." Hah! Those doofuses. When I post this on the Aggie message boards, I say to myself as I down 6 shots of tequila, they're sure going to be soooo jealous of Tech.

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9:15) I sit down in the den and start coming up with cool new ways to misspell Aggie. Finally, after an hour, I settle on "aigeg." Hah! Those doofuses. When I post this on the Aggie message boards, I say to myself as I down 6 shots of tequila, they're sure going to be soooo jealous of Tech.

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12:00 )I couldn't make it to Stillwater, so I head to the Weasel and 'Tard, a sports bar near the campus, to watch the game on TV. I won't drink and drive, so I pull over every block to drink a sifter of MD 20-20, then I'm back on the road. I'm all about responsibility.

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10:15) I go outside to practice. First, I tear down the elm tree in my front yard. Then, I pull my revolver and take some pot shots at the house of the Aggie who lives across the street. I have often noted his obsession, even though he acts like he doesn't know who I am. Today, he is screaming at me through his closed door. It appears that I may have winged his kid. Stupid Aigeg! I throw a bottle of Chivas, which I just downed, into the street.

11:00) Game time coming. I poof up my hair with the air compressor in the garage, then shellac it in place. I put on enough gold chains to set off the metal detector at the Abilene airport, even though I live in Lubbock. Finally, the pièce de résistance -- my own special mix of Aramis, Brut, Old Spice and Aqua Velva. It can kill vegetation for 30 feet in all directions. I splash it on heavily, then drink a quart just for good measure.

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