Introducing Elkovis Relief for Seasonal Battered Aggie Syndrome (SBAS)
Do your symptoms return every September like clockwork?
Do you experience hope in August, anxiety by mid-September, and emotional whiplash by October?
Do cooler temperatures, maroon polos, and a fresh slate of "This is our year" posts cause sudden heart palpitations?
You may be suffering from Seasonal Battered Aggie Syndrome, or SBAS.
And now, there's help.
Ask your doctor about Elkovis.
The once-weekly treatment designed to reduce the painful flare-ups of SBAS, including:
Believing the hype, then fearing the collapse
Panic attacks during third quarters
Sudden deja vu from past seasons
Emotional instability during SEC play
Dramatic mood swings from "We're back" to "Why do I do this?"
With Elkovis, you may finally enjoy football season without stocking up on stress snacks or pacing a groove into your living room floor.
Real Aggies. Real Seasonal Relief.
"Before Elkovis, the first hint of fall triggered my SBAS. Now, I can make it to October before panicking."
Mark from Madisonville
"I survived an entire season opener without assuming disaster."
Bailey, SBAS Level 3
Side Effects May Include:
Increased tolerance for halftime leads
Ability to enjoy September without fear
Spontaneous phrases like "Trust Elko"
Reduced emotional intensity after turnovers
Hopefulness lasting longer than four drives
Rare but serious side effects:
Predicting bowl eligibility before Halloween
Buying maroon merch without hesitation
Scheduling fall weddings without regret
Experiencing joy in November
Is Elkovis right for you?
Do not take Elkovis if you:
Are a Texas fan (ask your doctor about BevoBan)
Believe the Aggies should "burn it all down" after Week 2
Have adverse reactions to hope or progress
Still haven't recovered from 2021
Elkovis Because Seasonal BAS shouldn't ruin your fall.
Elkovis is not approved by the FDA, NCAA, SEC, or any official Texas A&M entity. Do not take Elkovis if you are allergic to hope, progress, positive coaching changes, or maroon. Side effects of Elkovis may include excessive optimism, spontaneous Whooping, believing in second-half adjustments, and the ability to watch entire games without pacing.
Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Elkovis unless that machinery includes a tailgate grill. Stop taking Elkovis immediately if you begin predicting national championships without consulting a qualified medical professional. Seek medical attention if you experience an optimism surge lasting more than four consecutive quarters.
Elkovis is not recommended for Longhorn fans, Sooners, or individuals who still refer to the Southwest Conference. Tell your doctor if you experience sudden confidence in field goals over 40 yards, an increased desire to attend the spring game, or the belief that referees might actually like us.
Some patients may experience flashbacks to 2012, involuntary comparisons to JFF, or excessive texting of "This team feels different." Do not use Elkovis in combination with other hope-enhancing substances such as preseason polls, hype videos, or maroon-colored Kool-Aid.
If you begin shouting "WE'RE BACK" after Week One, discontinue Elkovis and seek counseling immediately.
Elkovis should not be taken more than once weekly unless otherwise prescribed by a doctor, a former yell leader, or Mike Elko himself. Individual results may vary depending on strength of SBAS flare-ups, emotional resilience, or traumatic memories from the Sumlin or Fisher administrations.
Ask your doctor if Elkovis is right for you.
Elkovis because falling leaves shouldn't trigger emotional freefall.
Do your symptoms return every September like clockwork?
Do you experience hope in August, anxiety by mid-September, and emotional whiplash by October?
Do cooler temperatures, maroon polos, and a fresh slate of "This is our year" posts cause sudden heart palpitations?
You may be suffering from Seasonal Battered Aggie Syndrome, or SBAS.
And now, there's help.
Ask your doctor about Elkovis.
The once-weekly treatment designed to reduce the painful flare-ups of SBAS, including:
Believing the hype, then fearing the collapse
Panic attacks during third quarters
Sudden deja vu from past seasons
Emotional instability during SEC play
Dramatic mood swings from "We're back" to "Why do I do this?"
With Elkovis, you may finally enjoy football season without stocking up on stress snacks or pacing a groove into your living room floor.
Real Aggies. Real Seasonal Relief.
"Before Elkovis, the first hint of fall triggered my SBAS. Now, I can make it to October before panicking."
Mark from Madisonville
"I survived an entire season opener without assuming disaster."
Bailey, SBAS Level 3
Side Effects May Include:
Increased tolerance for halftime leads
Ability to enjoy September without fear
Spontaneous phrases like "Trust Elko"
Reduced emotional intensity after turnovers
Hopefulness lasting longer than four drives
Rare but serious side effects:
Predicting bowl eligibility before Halloween
Buying maroon merch without hesitation
Scheduling fall weddings without regret
Experiencing joy in November
Is Elkovis right for you?
Do not take Elkovis if you:
Are a Texas fan (ask your doctor about BevoBan)
Believe the Aggies should "burn it all down" after Week 2
Have adverse reactions to hope or progress
Still haven't recovered from 2021
Elkovis Because Seasonal BAS shouldn't ruin your fall.
Elkovis is not approved by the FDA, NCAA, SEC, or any official Texas A&M entity. Do not take Elkovis if you are allergic to hope, progress, positive coaching changes, or maroon. Side effects of Elkovis may include excessive optimism, spontaneous Whooping, believing in second-half adjustments, and the ability to watch entire games without pacing.
Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Elkovis unless that machinery includes a tailgate grill. Stop taking Elkovis immediately if you begin predicting national championships without consulting a qualified medical professional. Seek medical attention if you experience an optimism surge lasting more than four consecutive quarters.
Elkovis is not recommended for Longhorn fans, Sooners, or individuals who still refer to the Southwest Conference. Tell your doctor if you experience sudden confidence in field goals over 40 yards, an increased desire to attend the spring game, or the belief that referees might actually like us.
Some patients may experience flashbacks to 2012, involuntary comparisons to JFF, or excessive texting of "This team feels different." Do not use Elkovis in combination with other hope-enhancing substances such as preseason polls, hype videos, or maroon-colored Kool-Aid.
If you begin shouting "WE'RE BACK" after Week One, discontinue Elkovis and seek counseling immediately.
Elkovis should not be taken more than once weekly unless otherwise prescribed by a doctor, a former yell leader, or Mike Elko himself. Individual results may vary depending on strength of SBAS flare-ups, emotional resilience, or traumatic memories from the Sumlin or Fisher administrations.
Ask your doctor if Elkovis is right for you.
Elkovis because falling leaves shouldn't trigger emotional freefall.
