Got this in an email.. hilarious.. and good way to kill time until NCAA 09 comes out..
The Fanbases of the SEC:
As an aside, these are not ranked in order of how much I like or hate each team. Instead, they are placed in order of how I think they will fare in each respective division. If you have any complaints about where your team has been placed, please pay attention to the close detailed analysis I've done of each offensive and defensive skill player and send your emails to kissmy_@$$_@idontcare.com if you need further asistance
The West:
1. Auburn: Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Even 6 straight wins over Alabama hasn't released the inferiority complex. Continuously point out that there are some stores in the state that solely sell Auburn gear, even if they're outnumbered by Bama-only shops 7:1. Continuously point out (starting in 2008) that recruiting rankings DON'T matter.
2. LSU: Previously, a good bunch.. until they actually started winning the past 10 years. Since then, they try to put up the guise that LSU football has been more than a dingleberry on the arse of college football history in the grand scheme of things. Ignore any reasonable or objective point that Les Miles' questionable coaching and risky play calling wouldn't work with a less-talented squad top to bottom. Defer any doubts about being the top ranked SEC recruiting class Post-Saban or questions about the 2008 QB situation by yelling "TIGER BAIT!" and "NATIONAL CHAMPS!" If that doesn't shut critics up, try West Virginia fanbase tactics.
3. Alabama: The only fans in the SEC that complain about the referees, win or lose, despite being obviously helped if you ask any of the other 11 teams in the conference (or the other 119 Division 1A teams). Refuse to admit that you actually lost a game because your team sucked because it was clearly the refs or <insert head coach who can't live up to Bear Bryant and must be fired>'s fault. Spring game attendance and recruiting rankings were meaningless until 2 years ago, now they translate into national championships 2-3 years down the road. Make up national championships so that no matter how bad you are on the field today, you can always "remember" yesteryear, even if you weren't f---g alive.
4. Ole Miss: When the conversation turns from proper ways to dress and set up a snotty-ass tailgate to actual football between post-integration and post-Eli, suddenly act like football is an afterthought and just remind everyone that the girls here are hotter and richer. Actually, it usually works. Guys can forget ugly seasons for their team. It's tough forgetting your wife is a hound, and worse paying for one to loaf off of you. Go get ya an Ole Miss gal.
5. Mississippi State: <DING DING DING DING DING>... Break from cowbell ringing... <DING DING DING DING DING>. WE BEAT OLE MISS AND WENT TO THE LIBERTY BOWL!!!! <DING DING DING DING> WE ARE ACTUALLY FROM MISSISSIPPI UNLIKE THOSE PEOPLE OVER AT OLE PISS <DING DING DING DING> Remove the straight jacket and begin Hooked on Phonics lesson 1.
6. Arkansas: Talk about how many conference championships you have from the SWC and boast of how fierce of conference foes SMU, TCU, Rice, Houston, and Baylor once were to collect such important trophies. Act like you are completely beneath the record you've compiled in the SEC since your inclusion and make sure everyone knows Houston Nutt was the only thing holding Arkansas back. Arkansas = Purdue = Oregon State = Kansas State. Deal with it.
The East:
1. Florida: "We're better @ everything overall, and we'll tell you about it." Act completely aloof to the rest of the SEC for being "southern" and "trashy," but make sure to show up to games in jorts, hair gel, and bikini tops like it's a redneck carwash. Remember that winning doesn't make you humble, it makes you classy. And how does one act classy? Refuse to answer any legitimate question about your team, and instead say "Well, we're Florida. We can handle it." Smile and talk in a very all-knowing and condescending tone.
2. Georgia: First, we need to make sure everyone knows how classy our coach is and that he is the only person with integrity running a team in this cheating-laden league. Bark a few times. Then let the complaining begin. We shoulda played for the title game last year...wah, wah, wah,...why don't you have us #1 in your preseason rankings...wah, wah, wah....why don't you not get blown out by Tennessee....<silence>.
3. South Carolina: Formely, the fat girl with pretty friends. She was good to "talk to." And she just liked being around for the ride, b/c there's no way she's getting any free drinks unless her ultra hot friends are with her @ the club demanding the guy include her in the tab. However, she decided to get some plastic surgery. We're still waiting for the scars to heal and the bandages to come off to see what kind of improvements were really made. Regardless of the results, she will swear to the death about her doctor's ability (i.e. Spurrier). She's always yelled "C-cks" so, regardless, there has always been a "cool" factor about her..
4. Tennessee: Hate Alabama... take pride and joy in their 10 years of futility. Give your head coach credit for Alabama's sucktitude and then at the same time verbally behead him if he only wins 9+ games for the the 8th time in 10 years. Make sure everyone knows that Peyton went to UT and he's better than Eli, Tom Brady, and Brett Favre. Also make sure that they know his overcoming the Maning-family choke was due to being a Vol rather than Tony Dungee. Isn't this supposed to be about SEC fanbases? Oh that's right, Tennessee fans haven't had much to talk about regarding their own team lately.
5. Kentucky: "At least we can beat Duke in this funny game!"
6. Vanderbilt: Play it razor thin, other SEC teams, b/c if you say something nasty about us and we leave the conference, just so you know...the aggregate student athlete GPA goes back to being 1.8.
The Fanbases of the SEC:
As an aside, these are not ranked in order of how much I like or hate each team. Instead, they are placed in order of how I think they will fare in each respective division. If you have any complaints about where your team has been placed, please pay attention to the close detailed analysis I've done of each offensive and defensive skill player and send your emails to kissmy_@$$_@idontcare.com if you need further asistance
The West:
1. Auburn: Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Even 6 straight wins over Alabama hasn't released the inferiority complex. Continuously point out that there are some stores in the state that solely sell Auburn gear, even if they're outnumbered by Bama-only shops 7:1. Continuously point out (starting in 2008) that recruiting rankings DON'T matter.
2. LSU: Previously, a good bunch.. until they actually started winning the past 10 years. Since then, they try to put up the guise that LSU football has been more than a dingleberry on the arse of college football history in the grand scheme of things. Ignore any reasonable or objective point that Les Miles' questionable coaching and risky play calling wouldn't work with a less-talented squad top to bottom. Defer any doubts about being the top ranked SEC recruiting class Post-Saban or questions about the 2008 QB situation by yelling "TIGER BAIT!" and "NATIONAL CHAMPS!" If that doesn't shut critics up, try West Virginia fanbase tactics.
3. Alabama: The only fans in the SEC that complain about the referees, win or lose, despite being obviously helped if you ask any of the other 11 teams in the conference (or the other 119 Division 1A teams). Refuse to admit that you actually lost a game because your team sucked because it was clearly the refs or <insert head coach who can't live up to Bear Bryant and must be fired>'s fault. Spring game attendance and recruiting rankings were meaningless until 2 years ago, now they translate into national championships 2-3 years down the road. Make up national championships so that no matter how bad you are on the field today, you can always "remember" yesteryear, even if you weren't f---g alive.
4. Ole Miss: When the conversation turns from proper ways to dress and set up a snotty-ass tailgate to actual football between post-integration and post-Eli, suddenly act like football is an afterthought and just remind everyone that the girls here are hotter and richer. Actually, it usually works. Guys can forget ugly seasons for their team. It's tough forgetting your wife is a hound, and worse paying for one to loaf off of you. Go get ya an Ole Miss gal.
5. Mississippi State: <DING DING DING DING DING>... Break from cowbell ringing... <DING DING DING DING DING>. WE BEAT OLE MISS AND WENT TO THE LIBERTY BOWL!!!! <DING DING DING DING> WE ARE ACTUALLY FROM MISSISSIPPI UNLIKE THOSE PEOPLE OVER AT OLE PISS <DING DING DING DING> Remove the straight jacket and begin Hooked on Phonics lesson 1.
6. Arkansas: Talk about how many conference championships you have from the SWC and boast of how fierce of conference foes SMU, TCU, Rice, Houston, and Baylor once were to collect such important trophies. Act like you are completely beneath the record you've compiled in the SEC since your inclusion and make sure everyone knows Houston Nutt was the only thing holding Arkansas back. Arkansas = Purdue = Oregon State = Kansas State. Deal with it.
The East:
1. Florida: "We're better @ everything overall, and we'll tell you about it." Act completely aloof to the rest of the SEC for being "southern" and "trashy," but make sure to show up to games in jorts, hair gel, and bikini tops like it's a redneck carwash. Remember that winning doesn't make you humble, it makes you classy. And how does one act classy? Refuse to answer any legitimate question about your team, and instead say "Well, we're Florida. We can handle it." Smile and talk in a very all-knowing and condescending tone.
2. Georgia: First, we need to make sure everyone knows how classy our coach is and that he is the only person with integrity running a team in this cheating-laden league. Bark a few times. Then let the complaining begin. We shoulda played for the title game last year...wah, wah, wah,...why don't you have us #1 in your preseason rankings...wah, wah, wah....why don't you not get blown out by Tennessee....<silence>.
3. South Carolina: Formely, the fat girl with pretty friends. She was good to "talk to." And she just liked being around for the ride, b/c there's no way she's getting any free drinks unless her ultra hot friends are with her @ the club demanding the guy include her in the tab. However, she decided to get some plastic surgery. We're still waiting for the scars to heal and the bandages to come off to see what kind of improvements were really made. Regardless of the results, she will swear to the death about her doctor's ability (i.e. Spurrier). She's always yelled "C-cks" so, regardless, there has always been a "cool" factor about her..
4. Tennessee: Hate Alabama... take pride and joy in their 10 years of futility. Give your head coach credit for Alabama's sucktitude and then at the same time verbally behead him if he only wins 9+ games for the the 8th time in 10 years. Make sure everyone knows that Peyton went to UT and he's better than Eli, Tom Brady, and Brett Favre. Also make sure that they know his overcoming the Maning-family choke was due to being a Vol rather than Tony Dungee. Isn't this supposed to be about SEC fanbases? Oh that's right, Tennessee fans haven't had much to talk about regarding their own team lately.
5. Kentucky: "At least we can beat Duke in this funny game!"
6. Vanderbilt: Play it razor thin, other SEC teams, b/c if you say something nasty about us and we leave the conference, just so you know...the aggregate student athlete GPA goes back to being 1.8.