Next Thanksgiving, here is a fun trick to play: When the mashed potatoes and turkey are being served, take some of both. But hide your turkey under your mashed potatoes. When your family asks "Don't you want some turkey?," pull the turkey out from under the mashed potatoes and yell "I tricked you!!"

- Jack Handey

Fran was a surprise turkey???

-or-

I hope an animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs there because I might think I have a good idea but its really just the eggs hatching.

- Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys in a pool of hot lava, just let 'em go man. Cuz there gone.

Someone on here beat you to that with their sig.

Great topic

"If your coach ever drops his first game in the Orange Bowl, forget him, cause, man, he's gone."

-Jack Handey

quote:

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"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone."

- Jack Handey

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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

- Jack Handey

"I can picture in my mind a defense without 3 or more linebackers, a defense with a permanent nickel package. And I can picture the pirate Long Swingin' Leach passing on that defense, because they'd never expect it."

-Jack Handey

quote:

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"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone."

- Jack Handey

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When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? -Jack Handey or maybe Coach Fran at a post game press conference

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

- Jack Handey

"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up." - Jack H.

Sometimes in practice, I have Martellus Bennett run certain routes and then have Steven McGee throw him the ball. Then, when the game comes, me and Steven laugh and laugh because Martellus wonders why we dont actually throw it to him in the game. - Coach Fran

When people told me my defense was atrocious a couple of years ago, I told them.."You want atrocious? Let me introduce you to Gary Darnell". People didnt think that was funny, but me and Kim laughed and laughed. - Coach Fran

You know whats a fun game to play? Having your offense run the option to the short side of the field, and then timing how long it takes for the boos to come down at Kyle Field. Its fun cause people at Kyle arent supposed to boo. When I play this game, I end up laughing and laughing - Coach Fran

"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know." Jack Handey

When a child asks you why is it raining, a fun thing to say is "Because God is crying." When they ask why is God crying, another fun thing to say is "Probably because of something you did."

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." - Jack Handy

If when you die you get a choice between Little Debbies heaven and regular heaven, choose Little Debbies heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy

- Jack Handey

*original quote said pie heaven

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

On the other hand, we have different fingers.

- Jack Handey

The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

- Jack Handey


[This message has been edited by eAGer (edited 11/6/2007 7:49p).]

I don't know why...I just felt Toonces was somehow appropriate for this thread.

quote:

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"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone."

- Jack Handey

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“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes Little Debbies, because that's what He's getting”

--Jack Handey

Whenever i see something screech across a room and latch onto someones face... i have to laugh because... what is that thing?

As the light changed from red to green, to yellow, and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life...was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes, it seemed that way!!!

whichever one ended with ..."because hey, free dummy"

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." - J.H.

sefton too quick

quote:

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"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone."

- Jack Handey

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[This message has been edited by Barnacle (edited 11/6/2007 9:20p).]

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." - Jack Handy

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/media.asp?file=109
http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/media.asp?file=077

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do!!

"People often ask me if my name is made up. I tell them yes. My parents made it up when I was born."
- Jack Handey

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.