Alright, let's change things up. My wife and I of 12 years started seeing a therapist, we've had 2 sessions. The root problem is lack of intimacy on my part (which I fully take ownership of) and the details are not important nor why I'm posting this.

What I have noticed in these 2 sessions so far, once a week, is leading up to them my wife seems "ok" and less closed off, embraces me, etc., but then after the sessions she goes back to staring off, closed off for a day or two. It feels like after the session we have taken, there are few steps back. Is this common at the beginning since things are still being explored and discussed, old wounds coming out, and hopefully future sessions create a more uplifting tone? I was actually looking forward to the first two sessions so we could work on things, but now I am dreading the third and what my wife's reaction will be after.

TXTransplant said:

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However, a good therapist should also call out your flaws (as well as provide feedback on how to overcome them and make amends with anyone you've hurt). This too can be very challenging and put someone on the defensive, at least for a while.

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That's one thing I am currently having issues with. Not with talking about my flaws but essentially putting everything on me and not pointing out how any flaws of my wife could be a contributing factor. I am chalking it up to the therapist attacking the main issue and focusing on me but eventually also peeling back my wife's flaws and how to overcome them.

I'm not pushing back and just listening and working on one major thing, just listening and not getting defensive and formulating a response when my wife is still talking (since at that point you aren't listening and just mounting a defense). BOY IS THAT HARD!!

It is incredibly hard. I would expect your therapist to eventually start talking about your wife's role in the situation. If your wife has recognized this is bound to happen, she might also be a bit scared/on the defensive already, in anticipation of it happening. Your wife may also be recognizing herself how she could have contributed, even if it hasn't been verbalized in a therapy session, yet.

It's a lot. It's not fun. For me personally, I find it helps to remind myself that at the heart of it is a love and respect for each other. You wouldn't be in therapy if you didn't have that for each other and your marriage.

Are y'all doing individual sessions, too? I've only done individual therapy, but I think if I did couples, I would insist we each have our own individual sessions, too.

Right now they are joint sessions. I'm in a state of listening to the therapist and her recommendations and focusing on those. If she does recommend, then we will, and if she doesn't after a while, I'll ask if we should.

some good advise on here.

The trauma piece of therapy is a real thing. I think some it causes old injuries to come up and they don't know how to deal with it personally or accept some ownership. Good therapist can hopefully identify and it and label it.

I am a big jocko fan and extreme ownership book was great for me to listen to the feedback and just focus on what I can do to make my marriage better. I didn't focus on what she could do but pray that she was open to feedback.

Me too, about Jocko.

It's a lot easier to change want I need to because I can make that change to myself and cannot change another person (and only hope they recognize it and perhaps make a change themselves). I don't want to waste calories saying "ok, but" or "yea, however" and to just take ownership and make the changes. It doesn't mean being a doormat. You can voice that you hear and understand what she's saying and then perhaps explain why you thought/did things a certain way or explain where there may have been a confusion/miscommunication.

My wife stated something last session which she entirely misinterpreted but has been a sticking point to her. I just listened and didn't respond and giving myself the week to absorb it and see if it needs to be brought up at the next session in an understanding and calm way.

YOU BETCHA

Any updates? How are your sessions going now that some time has passed?

gratitudeandacceptance said:

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I would consider individual therapy as well. It will be helpful regardless of the outcome of the couples therapy.

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I agree. I went through counseling with my ex-wife in 2010 with our pastor (we didn't have kids, BTW). At the time, I didn't think we needed counseling. Once we got into it, I realized that we did, and that I did. Turns out my ex had already made up her mind about leaving me and somehow thought our pastor would say it's okay. (Denied.) However, I learned a ton about myself overall and as a husband in just two meetings with him. That was invaluable.

Looking back, I wish I had undergone individual counseling with him or a professional counselor. I needed it to deal with all of the emotions swirling around in my head.

I know a professional counselor who goes to therapy herself. My takeaway is that good therapists don't think they know it all and are wise and humble enough to seek guidance themselves.

2girlsdad said:

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Alright, let's change things up. My wife and I of 12 years started seeing a therapist, we've had 2 sessions. The root problem is lack of intimacy on my part (which I fully take ownership of) and the details are not important nor why I'm posting this.

What I have noticed in these 2 sessions so far, once a week, is leading up to them my wife seems "ok" and less closed off, embraces me, etc., but then after the sessions she goes back to staring off, closed off for a day or two. It feels like after the session we have taken, there are few steps back. Is this common at the beginning since things are still being explored and discussed, old wounds coming out, and hopefully future sessions create a more uplifting tone? I was actually looking forward to the first two sessions so we could work on things, but now I am dreading the third and what my wife's reaction will be after.

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Look into marriage intensives- they're usually a few days, many hours of counseling, but you don't have the wasted time of "catching up" since last session etc.

Hope Restored in a Christian one, but there are also many secular options. The Hope Restored founders wrote a book, which is also super good. 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free by Dr Greg Smalley, Dr and Robert S Paul.

Now you got me thinking I need marriage counseling.

Smart by therapist. Men are more likely to take ownership and allow therapist to say he is working in his stuff but we need to address some things in your side.

lazuras_dc said:

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Hold on did you just say you have 1.5 hour sex sessions

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I'll assume the 1.5 hours includes all the intimate build up and foreplay and not 1.5 hours of intercourse.

If I'm wrong though, bravo to the OP!

I started this since I was at my wits ends and wanted to hear from anyone else who's gone through similar. At the beginning you're scared sh*tless that this could end and grasping for info (Copilot has actually been very helpful to sort through things). I appreciate your concern, and is valid, but with the anonymity I'm OK with it.

No, it would be those long sessions (lot's of self control from "going"). Problem with those is when done I'm good for a few days which then causes the intimacy problem.

Humble brag then !

Ok on a serious note... my friend and I have had this discussion- most marital cousnelors are women of course and we feel like (never having done therapy of course) that they would certainly be more biased towards the woman's perspective. That's the only thing I have to add - aside from that- goodluck and hope you guys can figure it out.

lazuras_dc said:

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Humble brag then !

Ok on a serious note... my friend and I have had this discussion- most marital cousnelors are women of course and we feel like (never having done therapy of course) that they would certainly be more biased towards the woman's perspective. That's the only thing I have to add - aside from that- goodluck and hope you guys can figure it out.

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could be true. Ours was a female christian counselor and i felt she started hard on me and then worked her way to my wife and it was pretty balanced, but she knew I could take more jabs for the greater good. She knew how to push and when to push.

Our counseling isn't faith based, but she's an obvious Christian. I believe the same. My wife is a lot more emotional, crying and I listen and take ownership and asked for tools to help me. Think she'll pivot to my wife in the next few sessions.

The biggest thing I'm learning is to just listen, not listen and build a rebuttal, but just listen and try to hear what she's really saying.

2girlsdad said:

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Our counseling isn't faith based, but she's an obvious Christian. I believe the same. My wife is a lot more emotional, crying and I listen and take ownership and asked for tools to help me. Think she'll pivot to my wife in the next few sessions.

The biggest thing I'm learning is to just listen, not listen and build a rebuttal, but just listen and try to hear what she's really saying.

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exactly the right approach. you can only control your side and make it better. Even if they are saying is wrong, they believe it and you have to figure out how to change that perception.

Might be worth it if this is the case to mix it up a bit in the bedroom with a variety of different ways to engage in sexual activity.

This is just a personal anecdote, but my wife really seems to enjoy us doing it in a variety of places around the house and in a variety of positions. Sometimes she's in the mood for it to last a while and sometimes not, I just kind of let her take the lead on that most nights.

In any case, it might be worth while to experiment with quickies and other new ways to be intimate to maybe help keep your desire more active and better meet her needs. Everyone has in their mind that it's good to last forever, but my experience has been that me and my wife feel more intimate when we're not in a routine of just doing it the same way every time.

Also I would pay big money to see the face of your counselor when you told her that you last for an hour and a half lol. That is some incredible stamina.

So my challenge has been that my wife enjoys the marathon sessions, and "goes" multiple times. While I am enjoying things as well, I am focusing on her (I've joked that all I really need is 3 mins!) and the counselor noted that I tend to be goal oriented and for sex my goal is to get my wife to enjoy it and therefore I am not in the moment. She's noted overall that I don't live in the moment and I'm always planning or chasing something and not "stopping to smell the roses." Same as when I hit 300lb on bench after years of training, I did a few fist in the air and then soon was, now it's time to get 315.

So I think that's some of the root of the problem. I do big things for my wife, big trips, big birthdays, big presents, long sex, and that has led me to miss doing the little day-to-day things to show her how I appreciate her. It was tough to digest because of course I'm like "why the F would I do all these things for her if I didn't love her?!" But, she doesn't need all the big things and just wants someone to holds hands with, snuggle with, and have quickies.

Lately we've only been intimate in bed/our room which has been rare. Let's just say we've been adventurous (which again goes into my "go big or go home" mentality).

I mentioned a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, that I don't need to do crazy extravagant things which has helped me with the routine intimacy (which before I saw as being lazy/taking the easy way out since it doesn't take "effort").

AggieEP said:

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sometimes not, I just kind of let her take the lead on that most nights.

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That's been a major challenge for me. My wife will just not take the lead, isn't comfortable with it. She has always said she will just follow my lead, which frustrates me because I would like her to sometimes take the reigns. It's not just with sex but vacations and other life choices in general. That's where I hope the therapist eventually moves to....

Women are more equipped with "therapy" language to deflect the attention faster, and can easily move the target.

Men, on the other hand, pitch right down the plate and therapists can swing at that easily.

Not being hyper critical, just the nature of the thing.

2girlsdad said:

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TXTransplant said:

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However, a good therapist should also call out your flaws (as well as provide feedback on how to overcome them and make amends with anyone you've hurt). This too can be very challenging and put someone on the defensive, at least for a while.

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That's one thing I am currently having issues with. Not with talking about my flaws but essentially putting everything on me and not pointing out how any flaws of my wife could be a contributing factor. I am chalking it up to the therapist attacking the main issue and focusing on me but eventually also peeling back my wife's flaws and how to overcome them.

I'm not pushing back and just listening and working on one major thing, just listening and not getting defensive and formulating a response when my wife is still talking (since at that point you aren't listening and just mounting a defense). BOY IS THAT HARD!!

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This thread is dirty!!!

It sounds like you got past the bold already, but this was my experience with first wife many, many moons ago. We did joint therapy with a female therapist, and we never got past the point of there ever being any ownership on her end.

I then later found out she was seeing the same gal on her own (and was not told this was happening), so I was coming into these sessions at a disadvantage with blatant bias against me.

Was pretty upsetting at the time but oh well.

Ohhh my word. Instant tears. This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard someone say. pic.twitter.com/btVVhbDXB8

— Liz Wheeler (@Liz_Wheeler) July 14, 2026

Hoo boy. That hits.

I'm not yet as wise as the man in this video, but I can attest to the thought here. My wife was built like a cross fit model when I met her (she had a better six pack than I did). Not anymore.

She's 50 now so I have no expectations for her to look like she was when I met her at 31. I still love her all the same even though she makes me insane. I can't imagine life without her. When she goes out of town even for one night, I f'ing hate it. I selfishly hope that I go before her because I don't think I'll do well if she goes first.

YouBet said:

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2girlsdad said:

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TXTransplant said:

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However, a good therapist should also call out your flaws (as well as provide feedback on how to overcome them and make amends with anyone you've hurt). This too can be very challenging and put someone on the defensive, at least for a while.

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That's one thing I am currently having issues with. Not with talking about my flaws but essentially putting everything on me and not pointing out how any flaws of my wife could be a contributing factor. I am chalking it up to the therapist attacking the main issue and focusing on me but eventually also peeling back my wife's flaws and how to overcome them.

I'm not pushing back and just listening and working on one major thing, just listening and not getting defensive and formulating a response when my wife is still talking (since at that point you aren't listening and just mounting a defense). BOY IS THAT HARD!!

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This thread is dirty!!!

It sounds like you got past the bold already, but this was my experience with first wife many, many moons ago. We did joint therapy with a female therapist, and we never got past the point of there ever being any ownership on her end.

I then later found out she was seeing the same gal on her own (and was not told this was happening), so I was coming into these sessions at a disadvantage with blatant bias against me.

Was pretty upsetting at the time but oh well.

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This is why marriage counseling should be accompanied by a male and female therapist. There is so much room for bias if only one therapist is present.

FIDO95 said:

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Ohhh my word. Instant tears. This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard someone say. pic.twitter.com/btVVhbDXB8

— Liz Wheeler (@Liz_Wheeler) July 14, 2026

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Much more eloquent than Ron White. Obviously NSFW.