Worth its own thread.

The current conventional wisdom from the experts is that spanking children does more harm than good, and creates and discipline and obedience through fear rather than trust. And we all know that experts are often wrong and most of us can review our own childhood of when we had it coming and as parents when our kids have it coming.

To the shock of no one, I don't spank my 3yo. I did keep a data log of undesirable behaviors and parental response during a particularly stormy terrible twos spell and found the only thing that actually changed my daughter's behavior was hugs, play, and validating emotions. Time out did nothing but cause more tantrums. Early bed time did nothing but cause more tantrums. Loss of privileges did nothing but cause more tantrums. For my daughter, validation of bad feelings and ho hum late night FM DJ voice to enforcing boundaries and calling out toddler shenanigans has so far been the only effective behavior modification strategy.

Curious this boards take.

ETA: I'm not against spanking as a general rule. I just don't think it's effective for my kid.

Modern conventional wisdom is wrong.

Malibu2 said:

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Worth its own thread.

The current conventional wisdom from the experts is that spanking children does more harm than good, and creates and discipline and obedience through fear rather than trust. And we all know that experts are often wrong and most of us can review our own childhood of when we had it coming and as parents when our kids have it coming.

To the shock of no one, I don't spank my 3yo. I did keep a data log of undesirable behaviors and parental response during a particularly stormy terrible twos spell and found the only thing that actually changed my daughter's behavior was hugs, play, and validating emotions. Time out did nothing but cause more tantrums. Early bed time did nothing but cause more tantrums. Loss of privileges did nothing but cause more tantrums. For my daughter, validation of bad feelings and ho hum late night FM DJ voice to enforcing boundaries and calling out toddler shenanigans has so far been the only effective behavior modification strategy.

Curious this boards take.

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My take is that your kid runs your house, not you and she will pay for your bad parenting later on life.

Be sure to show her this thread when she asks you why.

"My son, I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole."

Malibu2 said:

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Worth its own thread.

The current conventional wisdom from the experts is that spanking children does more harm than good, and creates and discipline and obedience through fear rather than trust. And we all know that experts are often wrong and most of us can review our own childhood of when we had it coming and as parents when our kids have it coming.

To the shock of no one, I don't spank my 3yo. I did keep a data log of undesirable behaviors and parental response during a particularly stormy terrible twos spell and found the only thing that actually changed my daughter's behavior was hugs, play, and validating emotions. Time out did nothing but cause more tantrums. Early bed time did nothing but cause more tantrums. Loss of privileges did nothing but cause more tantrums. For my daughter, validation of bad feelings and ho hum late night FM DJ voice to enforcing boundaries and calling out toddler shenanigans has so far been the only effective behavior modification strategy.

Curious this boards take.

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Way to go, Mr. Spock.

Kids are different. I was terrified of the belt. One of my kids would walk the straight and narrow for fear of spanking. The other would treat any spanking as her red badge of courage and become even more defiant.

For the second kid we instituted different punishments.

Ultimately I'm just here so that those without kids can tell me how to parent correctly.

Children have been spanked for countless generations and turned out far better than the sniveling jerks that comprise much of the generation that didn't get their butt swatted a few times.

There is a reason the body feels pain. It's to tell your body to not do things that result in pain.

I know that's an oversimplification because some people are stupid and don't know how to moderate the application of pain, but it is still nature's way of teaching and shouldn't be categorically dismissed.

If the goal is reducing tantrums, you have lost. The proper goal is obedience.

spanked them when they were younger.

older they get, less effective it is.

Kids are different. it takes different tools for different situations

Every child is different, spankings worked for me. I have an over active mind, and I can occupy myself in the most boring situations (timeout). Some kids it works, some it does not.

Now, I will say a lot of behavior we see with people these days is because they have no idea what it feels like to be punched in the nose by one of their peers. I think that has more severe consequences than being spanked by a parent.

My wife and I have a 6 month old and are planning on having many more children.

We talked about this and agreed that spanking is necessary for disrespect and being unsafe.

If it is not either of those two things, we are going to use some other type of disciplining.


I have seen kids raised to be successful good young kids without getting spanked, but arguably they had a stay at home mom that was extremely hands on with raising and disciplining them. So it can work, but we are choosing to use physical reinforcement for the two biggies above. Those two things are arguably better enforced with fear of pain than with love/thinking at younger ages.

Cue up the now deleted Aransas County Judge.
There were some posters there who had strong opinons.

Spanking is like everything else, it's good in moderation.

Sarge 91 said:

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If the goal is reducing tantrums, you have lost. The proper goal is obedience.

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I'd go a step further and say that the goal is trust, which leads to obedience. My children trust that I want the best for them, and for years have done what I've asked because they believed I always knew what I was talking about.

As they've gotten into adolescence they've realized that I don't always have the answers, and now they are learning to trust that even if I make a bad decision or choice on their behalf, God will work through (and sometimes in spite of) it for their betterment.

I have 3 kids between ages of 9-5. Starting around 4-5 I have spanked for serious problems or repeat problems. Oldest kids first spank was running away in a parking lot after being told to hold a parents hand. There have been spanks for being cruel/hurting to siblings and backtalking me and mom. I try not to do it often and always clear about expectations and lessons learned. And I'm clear afterward that what's done is done and clean slate moving forward after the spank.

My wife won't spank and I've realized in a lot of situations they would rather be spanked & get a talking than have being grounded or have some other consequence looming over them for days.

Spanking followed by timeout to think about what they did wrong while their butt is stinging is effective. Then followup with a conversation about how you love them but need them to understand why what they did is wrong. Have them explain back to you why they were wrong.

Later on of course it's groundings and taking away things as punishment.

Agree.

Also important to point out that consistency is huge for this.

They also need to trust that dad will whip that ass if they mouth off to their grandma asking them to help in the yard.

I good spank is only needed in dire circumstance... after the first one though, the threat of a spanking is usually enough to refocus them.

Imagine hitting an adult because they do something you don't want. Imagine hitting your spouse because she wouldn't finish the vegetables on her plate, or forgot to make her bed/pickup clothes from the ground, or was snappy in a response to you after a bad day.

Why is hitting children different? If your answer is because they're not old enough to understand the way an adult would, then they also aren't old enough to understand why you're inflicting pain onto them.

Yes, it's easier to punish bad behavior with spanking, but it doesn't make it right. And just because you were also spanked and "turned out fine" doesn't mean the practice needs to continue with another generation. And in fact, if your justification for spanking is that it's fine because it happened to you, I'd argue that you didn't "turn out fine."

It's weird. It's outdated. It needs to be done away with. For God's sake, a child can learn respect for you and others without fear having to come attached with it.

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I did keep a data log of undesirable behaviors and parental response during a particularly stormy terrible twos spell and found the only thing that actually changed my daughter's behavior was hugs, play, and validating emotions.

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Can you flesh out what this means in a real situation?

Your daughter is having a tantrum so you go up and hug her?
You tell her to do something, she doesn't comply, so you play with her?
She's angry and throws a lamp across the room so you validate her emotions?

Ol_Ag_02 said:

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Kids are different. I was terrified of the belt. One of my kids would walk the straight and narrow for fear of spanking. The other would treat any spanking as her red badge of courage and become even more defiant.

For the second kid we instituted different punishments.

Ultimately I'm just here so that those without kids can tell me how to parent correctly.

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Yep, they're all different (wife and I have 8), and you have to tailor the punishment to the kid. We've had some who spanking didn't faze one bit. Instead, they recieved a lot of duty policing up dog poop in the back yard.

Had a couple that you didn't need to spank, because a hard look would do the trick.

Others that a good swat or two was just what the doctor ordered.

Nothing wrong with a swat in my book, just that it doesn't always work and you have to know your kid and what they consider to be a punishment.

Sarge 91 said:

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If the goal is reducing tantrums, you have lost. The proper goal is obedience.

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I think my goal is cooperation, not obedience. My daughter is allowed to respectfully push back on insignificant issues like what appropriate clothes she can wear, the order of putting her toys away, etc, with me being the boss and final decider. In any case, the posters suggesting my household is run by kids is amusing in its inaccuracy.

SRCag18 said:

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Imagine hitting an adult because they do something you don't want. Imagine hitting your spouse because she wouldn't finish the vegetables on her plate, or forgot to make her bed/pickup clothes from the ground.

Why is hitting children different?

Yes, it's easier to punish bad behavior with spanking, but it doesn't make it right. And just because you were also spanked and "turned out fine" doesn't mean the practice needs to continue with another generation. And in fact, if your justification for spanking is that it's fine because it happened to you, I'd argue that you didn't "turn out fine."

It's weird. It's outdated. It needs to be done away with.

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There's a lot of things we do to adults that are inappropriate for children and vice versa.

Guy on a Buffalo said:

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Sarge 91 said:

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If the goal is reducing tantrums, you have lost. The proper goal is obedience.

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I'd go a step further and say that the goal is trust, which leads to obedience. My children trust that I want the best for them, and for years have done what I've asked because they believed I always knew what I was talking about.

As they've gotten into adolescence they've realized that I don't always have the answers, and now they are learning to trust that even if I make a bad decision or choice on their behalf, God will work through (and sometimes in spite of) it for their betterment.

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I think you are on the right track, but I'd argue you have obedience and trust backwards.

Who isn't down with a good spanking from your woman?!

Are you guys saying that sending a text to your kid while they are in the other room isn't discipline enough?

Not this **** again.

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Who isn't down with a good spanking from your woman?!

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Guess we know your fav place to eat in Vegas.

I got shown a paddle in 1st or 2nd grade. I'm pretty sure it had small holes in it to cut down on air friction. Scared me enough to stop messing around in class.

Beaumont, TX. Early 90s

And I remember some teachers always having a paddle on them walking around.

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Are you guys saying that sending a text to your kid while they are in the other room isn't discipline enough?

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Thank you for that laugh
Blue stars for you

I spanked my daughter once. Haven't in a long time and she is 7 now.

Son, well that's a different story.

Ass whooping is inevitable. Question is, do you want to raise them with it or have the government handle it for you when they're older?