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Yet Another Stash Of Classified Documents Discovered During Biden's Colonoscopy
WASHINGTON, D.C. The White House is on edge this morning after investigators revealed a fourth stash of classified documents from Biden's tenure as Vice President was found deep in his colon.
"This morning a routine colonoscopy revealed hundreds, possibly thousands of partially chewed top-secret documents crammed in the President's digestive tract," said White House physician Kevin O'Connor. "It seems many of them were eaten, while hundreds of others were inserted rectally by an unknown party or Biden himself. We have handed over all partially-digested documents to the Special Counsel in charge of the investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need a shower."
Officials are at this point unclear whether the documents were ingested on purpose or swallowed inadvertently, as sources say President Biden has always had a folksy, endearing habit of putting random things in his mouth and swallowing them.
At publishing time, doctors had confirmed the colonoscopy also turned up another hard drive linked to Hunter Biden.
Courtesy of The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. The White House is on edge this morning after investigators revealed a fourth stash of classified documents from Biden's tenure as Vice President was found deep in his colon.
"This morning a routine colonoscopy revealed hundreds, possibly thousands of partially chewed top-secret documents crammed in the President's digestive tract," said White House physician Kevin O'Connor. "It seems many of them were eaten, while hundreds of others were inserted rectally by an unknown party or Biden himself. We have handed over all partially-digested documents to the Special Counsel in charge of the investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need a shower."
Officials are at this point unclear whether the documents were ingested on purpose or swallowed inadvertently, as sources say President Biden has always had a folksy, endearing habit of putting random things in his mouth and swallowing them.
At publishing time, doctors had confirmed the colonoscopy also turned up another hard drive linked to Hunter Biden.
Courtesy of The Babylon Bee
Biden Calls For Two Weeks Of Not Cooking On Gas Stoves To Flatten The Curve
WASHINGTON, D.C. President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve".
"It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!"
In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the Biden administration has also recommended social distancing from gas stoves for the foreseeable future. "After the two weeks, if you must cook on a gas stove, we recommend doing so from a safe distance of six feet," said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "We advise all kitchens be marked six feet from the gas stove, and ingredients be lobbed at your pans from that safe distance. The science on this is settled. All of these precautions should be continued until Moderna comes out with their brand-new gas stove vaccine."
While many Americans have heeded the President's call, the administration has expressed deep frustration at the stubborn refusal of Republican-leaning areas. "We have to have consequences for people who refuse to follow the science, and risk the lives of others by continuing to cook with gas," said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "The first step ought to be a stove passport, which only allows those with electric stoves to participate in society. If that's not sufficient, then we must refuse hospital beds to those who brought sickness on themselves with their ignorant choice of stove."
At publishing time, the Biden administration had extended the two week timeframe to whenever the next President is sworn in.
Courtesy of The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve".
"It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!"
In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the Biden administration has also recommended social distancing from gas stoves for the foreseeable future. "After the two weeks, if you must cook on a gas stove, we recommend doing so from a safe distance of six feet," said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "We advise all kitchens be marked six feet from the gas stove, and ingredients be lobbed at your pans from that safe distance. The science on this is settled. All of these precautions should be continued until Moderna comes out with their brand-new gas stove vaccine."
While many Americans have heeded the President's call, the administration has expressed deep frustration at the stubborn refusal of Republican-leaning areas. "We have to have consequences for people who refuse to follow the science, and risk the lives of others by continuing to cook with gas," said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "The first step ought to be a stove passport, which only allows those with electric stoves to participate in society. If that's not sufficient, then we must refuse hospital beds to those who brought sickness on themselves with their ignorant choice of stove."
At publishing time, the Biden administration had extended the two week timeframe to whenever the next President is sworn in.
Courtesy of The Babylon Bee
Pfizer Reportedly Working On Vaccine To Counteract Gas Stove Emissions
NEW YORK, NY Pfizer scientists are hard at work on a new vaccine that will eliminate the deadly effects of gas stove emissions. If successful, the shot will allow for the use of a gas stove in a well-ventilated environment without masks.
"If you take these shots you will no longer be at risk of breathing in fumes from an easily preventable gas leak. You won't get sick and you won't have to quarantine away from the stove," said Pfizer's Albert Bourla in a statement. "I know we said some of the same things with the COVID shots, but this time we mean it. Really."
The vaccine works by closing the airways of those injected so that they are unable to inhale toxic fumes and become brain-damaged or asthmatic. Results of early animal tests show a 100% efficacy against gas stoves. "Our dead monkeys were very smart right before they died," said Pfizer scientist Josef Mengele, laughing maniacally for some reason. "I think we've collected enough data that we can skip human trials."
Unhinged anti-vaxxers have taken to social media, arguing that death is an unacceptable side effect for a vaccine. Pfizer representatives responded with, "Side effect?"
President Biden has put his support behind Pfizer and has called for Americans to do their patriotic duty and take the experimental vaccine. "Please inject yourself with this magical liquid no one understands," he said.
At publishing time, the government had decided to ban gas stoves anyway.
Courtesy of The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY Pfizer scientists are hard at work on a new vaccine that will eliminate the deadly effects of gas stove emissions. If successful, the shot will allow for the use of a gas stove in a well-ventilated environment without masks.
"If you take these shots you will no longer be at risk of breathing in fumes from an easily preventable gas leak. You won't get sick and you won't have to quarantine away from the stove," said Pfizer's Albert Bourla in a statement. "I know we said some of the same things with the COVID shots, but this time we mean it. Really."
The vaccine works by closing the airways of those injected so that they are unable to inhale toxic fumes and become brain-damaged or asthmatic. Results of early animal tests show a 100% efficacy against gas stoves. "Our dead monkeys were very smart right before they died," said Pfizer scientist Josef Mengele, laughing maniacally for some reason. "I think we've collected enough data that we can skip human trials."
Unhinged anti-vaxxers have taken to social media, arguing that death is an unacceptable side effect for a vaccine. Pfizer representatives responded with, "Side effect?"
President Biden has put his support behind Pfizer and has called for Americans to do their patriotic duty and take the experimental vaccine. "Please inject yourself with this magical liquid no one understands," he said.
At publishing time, the government had decided to ban gas stoves anyway.
Courtesy of The Babylon Bee
He warned her... Multiple times...
— Fight Haven (@FightHaven) January 13, 2023
Was this justified? pic.twitter.com/c9tSj96Jpq
She and the other girl were absolutely the aggressors. Got what they deserved. Now I think he could've walked away a little faster and just gotten away from her but this video proves that she started it. Then the other one coming in and claiming what's wrong with you for hitting a woman? Oh hell no.
"Hey guys, we burned down the house but we at least rebuilt half of it before accidentally spilling some lighter fluid in a corner. We are sure it's not gonna burn again.
— Malcolm Fle✘ - 🇺🇸Amoral Mercenary🇺🇸 (@Malcolm_fleX48) January 14, 2023
Anyways, praise us now."
Class of '00
Gig 'em!
Gig 'em!
Hell yes that was justified.
And if her daddy has a problem with it, he shouldn't raise a classless C__T who literally forced this innocent boy to smack her.
If I was this boys father I'd absolutely go to bat for him and fight against any negative consequence whatsoever.
And if her daddy has a problem with it, he shouldn't raise a classless C__T who literally forced this innocent boy to smack her.
If I was this boys father I'd absolutely go to bat for him and fight against any negative consequence whatsoever.
Look at all the football players rushing in to white knight.TyHolden said:He warned her... Multiple times...
— Fight Haven (@FightHaven) January 13, 2023
Was this justified? pic.twitter.com/c9tSj96Jpq
Wild West Pimp Style
Buzzy said:Look at all the football players rushing in to white knight.TyHolden said:He warned her... Multiple times...
— Fight Haven (@FightHaven) January 13, 2023
Was this justified? pic.twitter.com/c9tSj96Jpq
Funny how nobody did anything before that
Is it okay to hit a transfemale?
I'm asking this seriously.
For those that think it's wrong to hit a woman, what if the woman has testicles?
I'm asking this seriously.
For those that think it's wrong to hit a woman, what if the woman has testicles?
That's not a woman
TyHolden said:He warned her... Multiple times...
— Fight Haven (@FightHaven) January 13, 2023
Was this justified? pic.twitter.com/c9tSj96Jpq
Did you accidentally post this in the wrong thread?
"Freedom is never more than one election away from extinction"
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
I agree.
But there are some on here that say a transfemale IS a woman. For those people: Is it okay for a man to hit a translady?
But there are some on here that say a transfemale IS a woman. For those people: Is it okay for a man to hit a translady?
Trans male hits like trans male
That's not a lady. If it has balls, it can get smacked.
I agree. But I also think it's okay to hit a woman that's attacking you.
When I was younger I was of the opinion that it's never okay to hit a woman, but as I've grown older I've changed my mind…
When I was younger I was of the opinion that it's never okay to hit a woman, but as I've grown older I've changed my mind…
More like trans male hits like a girl…TRADUCTOR said:
Trans male hits like trans male
annie88 said:
She and the other girl were absolutely the aggressors. Got what they deserved. Now I think he could've walked away a little faster and just gotten away from her but this video proves that she started it. Then the other one coming in and claiming what's wrong with you for hitting a woman? Oh hell no.
Equality!
Pete should be in prison, but on topic, when Trump had documents, which was NOT against the law as a former president, we lost our *****
Now that Biden did it as VP, which IS against the law, we say it's no big deal.
Go screw yourself, Pete
Now that Biden did it as VP, which IS against the law, we say it's no big deal.
Go screw yourself, Pete
Poor little cuuckhold Harry.
No one would care who Meghan was without him and she's emasculated him and turned him against his family in just a few years. Yikes.
When they get divorced, and they will. He will have to crawl back begging.
He choose poorly.
Their poor kids.
William and Kate completely ignoring this **** show is the right answer.
No one would care who Meghan was without him and she's emasculated him and turned him against his family in just a few years. Yikes.
When they get divorced, and they will. He will have to crawl back begging.
He choose poorly.
Their poor kids.
William and Kate completely ignoring this **** show is the right answer.
If you’re gonna fire George Santos for lying, you also have to fire every Democrat politician who’s been on tv since Trump won in 2016.
— James Bradley (@JamesBradleyCA) January 14, 2023
justcallmeharry said:
Art?WTF is that? 😂 I can't make any sense out of it. https://t.co/XNet4tN07S
— Catturd ™ (@catturd2) January 14, 2023
annie88 said:
Now I think he could've walked away a little faster and just gotten away from her but this video proves that she started it.
Victims should feel zero obligation to retreat from bullies and abusers. Would you have said that woman who was getting slapped by her husband should have run into her bedroom and called the cops or was she entitled to defend herself?
He retreats and tries to establish a safe space which she repeatedly enters in order to ssault and intimidate him and then tries to hit him multiple times emote he defends himself.
Once again, a man should never put hands on a lady. This teenage POS was no lady.
100% justified. Nothing else need be said.
TyHolden said:He warned her... Multiple times...
— Fight Haven (@FightHaven) January 13, 2023
Was this justified? pic.twitter.com/c9tSj96Jpq
To be fair, I think that video is from a number of years ago; to where the crotchgoblins that those girls inevitably popped out before graduation are now themselves old enough to start stupid fights in high school courtyards.
Meghan Markle took tips from Michelle Obama on how to be the man of the household.
— Dom Lucre (@dom_lucre) January 14, 2023
Supposed to be of MLK and Coretta hugging when he won the Nobel peace prize.
What it looks like from one side is a sex act and a person holding a piece of poop from the other.
Some things do not translate well, especially if it has to be explained as to what it is. This is one of them.
What it looks like from one side is a sex act and a person holding a piece of poop from the other.
Some things do not translate well, especially if it has to be explained as to what it is. This is one of them.
This same idiot thinks voter ID is racist.
Oh.
The.
Iron.
Knee.
Oh.
The.
Iron.
Knee.
Hypocrisy pic.twitter.com/ptbO8QsXxj
— David M Maloney (@davidmaloneypa) January 14, 2023
I said he was completely right in what he did. Being in such a public place is a little different than running into your bedroom from an abusive person, I didn't say anything of the sort that the victim should feel no obligation to defend.Ags4DaWin said:annie88 said:
Now I think he could've walked away a little faster and just gotten away from her but this video proves that she started it.
Victims should feel zero obligation to retreat from bullies and abusers. Would you have said that woman who was getting slapped by her husband should have run into her bedroom and called the cops or was she entitled to defend herself?
He retreats and tries to establish a safe space which she repeatedly enters in order to ssault and intimidate him and then tries to hit him multiple times emote he defends himself.
Once again, a man should never put hands on a lady. This teenage POS was no lady.
100% justified. Nothing else need be said.
But he also could've told her to **** off, laughed at her and kept walking and not giving her the time of day. I didn't say that's what he should've done I said he could've done. Had she still followed then it would've come to what it did.
You assumed and read way too much into my reply.
I always think people should defend themselves.
It amazes me how many people won't. They will just cower or scream or cry or do what they're told. I would never be one of those people. If you're gonna try to make me drive a car I'll wreck it. (Unless I'm already in the drivers seat, I wouldn't even get into it actually)
If you're holding a knife or a gun to me and tell me to go somewhere I won't go I'd rather you shoot/stab me there, because most likely what's in store is going to be much worse.
Most bullies and people that are willing to attack people do it for the power. You have to take it away from them either by ignoring them or defending yourself you'll have a much better chance of survival or preventing torture/rape etc. many of the really bad ones are going to kill you regardless so you're better off at least trying. Never make it easy on them, go down kicking and screaming.
Oh FFS.
Chicago, NYC, San Francisco, and Houston. Don’t you feel safer now? pic.twitter.com/sAViDtaeI5
— End Wokeness (@EndWokeness) January 15, 2023
Live feed of someone that went into a coma in 2014 only to wake up in 2023 talking to anyone now:
Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Reid, Joy Behar, Alec Baldwin and Rob Reiner are confirmed for a new TV series HATE ISLAND, in which a group of celebs are dropped off on a remote island to spew ignorance and hate.
— Scott Mason (@hypnoksa) January 14, 2023
The twist is that there are no cameras and nobody goes back to get them. pic.twitter.com/rqe8J88Zue