Sigh

You know things are bad when the funny thread is no longer funny.

Biden Pulls Out Handy 'Wheel Of Distraction' To Deflect From Latest Scandal

WASHINGTON, D.C. After word got out that an FBI whistleblower was accusing Joe Biden of taking bribes during his time as Vice President, the President quickly told his advisors that he needed to spin the "Wheel of Distraction" to get everyone talking about something else.
"We gotta whip up another story, folks!" Biden said as he shuffled into the secret room where the administration keeps the Wheel of Distraction. "If people start talking about the bribes I took during the Obama administration, they'll end up finding out about everything else I've done over the last 50 years. Darginsparnbinder!"
Aides quickly led the President to the wheel as advisors and members of the cabinet stood by to put a new distracting story into action. "How about another pandemic? Let's hope the wheel lands on that!" Biden said. "The next one won't be ready until next year for the election, sir," answered one aide. "Shoot. What about blowing up a food processing plant?" Biden asked. "We don't have any left, Mr. President," said another advisor.
"What'll it be? Ban another random part of a gun? Tell everyone our democracy is under attack? Fall off my bike again?" Biden said.
The President then gave the Wheel of Distraction a mighty spin, with the administration members clapping and cheering. The room fell silent as the clicking of the spoked wheel slowed, finally landing on "ASSASSINATE PUTIN."
"Ah, darn it! We tried that last week and it didn't work," Biden said disappointed. "But, the wheel has spoken!"
At publishing time, the Kremlin reported yet another failed attempt on the Russian president's life.

Courtesy of the Babylon Bee

Navy Somehow Even Gayer

WASHINGTON, D.C. Against all odds, the U.S. Navy has somehow managed to become even gayer, sources say.
"We've always known this particular branch of the military to be the gayest of all of them, but even they have surprised us all with by the lengths to which they will go to make themselves even gayer," said military journalist Dan Crullers. "They've truly outdone themselves here."
Brand new Navy Recruitment Ambassador and drag queen Joshua Kelley, (they/them) broke the news on a Chinese spy app called TikTok that he would be assisting the military in its efforts to recruit more drag queens to strike fear in the hearts of America's enemies. The campaign was created to help crew the brand new ship USS Harvey Milk and the nuclear submarine USS Sam Smith.
At publishing time, the Pentagon had also hired an inebriated Kid Rock to recruit new Marines.

In Major Effort To Attract New Recruits, Navy Offering Unlimited Bud Light

ANNAPOLIS, MD As part of its push for diversity and inclusiveness in recruitment, the United States Navy has announced that it will provide unlimited Bud Light for all new recruits. The Navy hopes this offer will entice recruits with an even broader range of alternative lifestyles to join the service.
"This offer will entice exactly the type of recruits we're looking for," said Rear Admiral Alexis "Lex" Walker, who runs Navy Recruiting Command. "With drag queens serving as the face of Navy recruitment and Bud Light serving as our official recruitment beverage, we'll be narrowing our efforts to a very specific segment of the population... if you know what I mean," he said with a wink.
Though the Navy has come under fire as of late due to its promotion of diversity training and using an active-duty drag queen to bolster its recruiting efforts, leadership is confident that this is the right direction. "Our goal has nothing to do with creating or maintaining the finest seafaring fighting force in the world," Walker continued. "Our goal is all about making the United States Navy an absolutely fabulous and glittery place to enlist. Rainbows, unicorns, feather boas, false eyelashes, and pink wigs all around!"
At publishing time, the Navy's new recruiting initiatives were reportedly sputtering out of the gate, with the drag queen video being met with derision and entire truckloads of Bud Light still sitting untouched at Navy recruitment centers across the United States. Walker, meanwhile, was asking reporters why everyone suddenly finds it so funny that his rank is "Rear Admiral."

Both articles Courtesy of the Babylon Bee

justcallmeharry said:

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Today I celebrate 51,980 days of being a woman. I have birth to 3 kids and 2 Chinese midgets and I had 27 periods. My transgender son is pregnant so I will be a new TransMother in 29 days. Donald Trump raped me on the counter of a Dollar General while saying Chyyna. pic.twitter.com/6DUJSLLhez

— American Islandman (@N76247476Man) May 6, 2023

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pic.twitter.com/eXskH4gMIE

— Declaration of Memes (@LibertyCappy) May 7, 2023

justcallmeharry said:

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pic.twitter.com/eXskH4gMIE

— Declaration of Memes (@LibertyCappy) May 7, 2023

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Daughter of LOYAL AG graduated from tu yesterday and there were students wearing stoles with their cap and gown that said "LATINX GRAD" on them. I'd never actually seen a Hispanic person embrace the destruction of the Spanish language before that. Up to then I'd assumed this was like Kwanzaa, a creation of liberal whites that existed only in their minds but nobody in the real world acknowledged. Like most everything else liberal it made me chuckle.

Kamala’s inner thoughts pic.twitter.com/4BaxQfMKyi

— Estee Palti (@mommyrn88) May 3, 2023